Chapter 23

Alex’s POV

I was ecstatic the entire night that I was already chosen for the top five in the program. I was so excited I couldn’t even sleep, which meant that Jack couldn’t sleep either, because I’m restless when I can’t sleep. It’s either I’m tired or I’m not. And right now, I’m not.

He was trying to sleep, his arm around my torso as we spooned in the darkness of my room. All I could think about was if I won this thing or not. I couldn’t get comfortable, no matter how comfy Jack was. I just lay away, staring at the wall and thinking. I tossed and turned, trying to find a good position.

“For fucks sake Alex, I’m trying to sleep, stop fucking moving.” Jack mumbled, half awake.

“Sorry.” I whispered, finally just moving out of his grip and going downstairs in the dark.

I wasn’t necessarily afraid of the dark, just not exactly in love with it when I was alone. I cautiously made my way downstairs, flipping the light on in the kitchen. I sat down at the table with a mug of hot chocolate, trying to make myself tired.

Tom came stomping downstairs, looking exhausted. “Oh my god Alex, what the hell are you doing? It’s one in the morning! That light carries right up into our rooms and now you’ve woken both Jack and I up!”

“Sorry, I can’t sleep.”

“Go cuddle with Jack.”

“That didn’t work. I’m just not tired.”

“So take a sleeping pill and go to bed.”

I sighed and got a pill, taking one with some water and going back up to my room, flipping the light off behind me.

I got up to my room and crawled back in bed with Jack. He automatically spooned me, nuzzling his face in my shoulder and sighing. “Go to sleep.” He muttered.

“I’ll try.”

I closed my eyes and snuggled into Jack’s front, his arm tightening around my stomach and making me feel safe.

After a few hours of staring lifelessly at the wall, I finally fell asleep. Four hours before we had to wake up for school. At least it was a Friday.

Jack woke me up the next morning by ripping the covers off of me. “Get the fuck up!”

“Jack! I’m tired!” I whined, curling into a little ball to try and get warm again.

“That’s what happens when you squirm all night long.”

“You’re so mean!”

“I’m not mean, I’m telling the truth. Even once you did fall asleep, you didn’t stop trying to toss and turn.”

“Sorry! I couldn’t sleep, I was too excited and nervous about the music thing.”

“You’ll do fine. Get up. You have fifteen minutes.” He said, walking away.

“JACK! I HAVE TO DO MY HAIR!” I yelled, scrambling from my bed and running to the bathroom, turning on the flattener and feeling like a girl, rushing to do her hair in five minutes so she could look decent for her boyfriend. I brushed my teeth as quickly and thoroughly as possible while it heated up. “Oh fuck this damn thing!” I complained, turning it off and throwing on a beanie, along with my insanely tight skinny jeans and my favorite Blink-182 shirt.

I ran downstairs, grabbing my guitar and my backpack and my keys. “JACK! LET’S GO!” I yelled.

“Fine, fine, I’m coming.” He said, walking out with me towards the car. I got in the drivers seat as he climbed in the passenger seat. I stuck the key in the slot and turned, getting a stutter and a die. “Oh come on, you damn car!” I cursed. Jack chuckled a little as I continued to struggled with it. “FUCK YOU!” I yelled, slamming the steering wheel and peeling off my shirt, handing it to Jack as I got out and opened the hood, leaning over and trying to find something that was wrong with it. I twisted a few wires and made sure everything was in the right place. Of course, I had grease all over my fingers. “Fuck this thing.” I growled, slamming the hood shut and stalking back to the door, getting back in and using my stomach to get the grease off my fingers. Jack handed me my shirt rather reluctantly.

“Give me my shirt!” I said unhappily, snatching it from his hand and tugging it on quickly.

“You look better without it.”

“Haha, shut up.” I snapped. He recoiled at my tone. “I’m sorry, it’s not been an easy morning.”

“No need to snap, though.”

“I know, I’m sorry.” I gave him a quick kiss. “I still love you.”

“I love you too, now start the damn car.”

I turned the car and the engine stuttered to life slowly. I pressed the gas pedal, speeding to school and getting there just two minutes after the bell had rung.

“Is there any car grease on my face?” I asked Jack.

“No.”

We burst into the room and I ran to my seat, slightly out of breath. “Where were you?” Zack asked.

“My damn car wouldn’t start.”

“Why didn’t you take Jack’s?”

“We left his here yesterday.”

“And what the hell is on your cheekbone?”

I took out my phone and used the screen as a mirror. “Damn it Jack! You said there wasn’t any grease on my face!” I complained.

“Serves you right for being a bitch this morning.”

“Ugh, I hate you!”

“You love me.”

“I know.” I sighed as I licked my finger and wiped away the grease. “You still shouldn’t have lied.”

“Alright, I’m sorry.” He grinned and came over to give me a little kiss on the nose. “You guys can have a free period, I didn’t plan anything for today.”

I was about to get out my guitar when Cass came over and sat next to me, leaning her head on my shoulder like she used to do. I pushed her away from me. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“I miss you and I want it to be like old times.”

“Should’ve thought about that before you ditched me, dated my brother, and dissed me. Nice try bitch, go away.”

She frowned, looking sad and mad at the same time, but went back to her seat.

I started to play Give It To Me by The Maine. After I finished, I just waited for Jasey’s sex comment. And sure enough, it came.

“Did you sing that for Jack?” She smirked. “Did you sleep together yesterday?”

“Yes, actually, we did sleep together yesterday. And no, I sang that simply because it’s a perfectly written song with a good beat and lyrics.”

“Ew, I didn’t need to know you slept together.”

“Apparently you did, because you asked.” I shrugged before moving on to Gypsy Woman by Anarbor.

“And then she took my soul, but I didn’t know...” I just loved this song. The way Slade Echeverria can get his voice so high nearing the end, I don’t even know how. But I can never match it.

“So, who wants to hear my good news?” I asked, grinning.

“What news?” Jack asked.

“You already know.”

“Oh, that.”

“Yeah. So who wants to hear?”

Everyone raised their hand. “I’ve already been chosen for the top five in the music program without submitting a video.”

“Holy shit, no fucking way!” Rian exclaimed. “That’s amazing, Alex!”

I laughed, grinning like a fool. “Thanks.”

“Congrats, Alex.” Cass said.

I couldn’t help but smile at her, my happiness was affecting me. I think she knew I’d rather glower at her because she didn’t smile back.

I spent the rest of the period sitting in Jack’s lap, allowing him to place a little line of kisses and nips from my neck to my lips repeatedly.

“Um, Cass, do you want to go out with me?” I heard Rian ask. I pushed Jack’s face away from my jaw as I turned my head to look at him. He was clearly nervous.

“No.” Came Cass’s reply. I could see his face fall.

“Come on Cass, just go out with him. He didn’t mean the whole R- A- P- E thing. Trust me, he’s my friend now. Just do it.” I called.

“I said no and I mean NO.” She said firmly.

Rian sighed and walked away, going back to Zack, who sympathetically patted his back. I let Jack continue him little line of kisses and bites, making me occasionally giggle when he reached a ticklish spot on my neck.

We didn’t talk for the whole period. He just played his little kissing game until the bell rang, when he gave me a longer kiss before I left.

~~~
The end of the day came and I didn’t go to Jack’s room. He had texted me that he had some papers to grade for his honors class and wouldn’t have time for me, that he was sorry.

I just figured he needed to grade things and walked my usual way down the hall, passing his room. I glanced inside and sure enough, he was sitting in his spinny chair, a red pen in his hand and making small little slashes every so often. He frowned, then reluctantly marked it.

I smiled and texted him on my way out. Have fun grading, I’ll text you later.

He didn’t reply, as expected. I just went out to my car and started it. It actually worked this time. I drove back to my house, suddenly bored without Jack. And it’s not like I could invite Cassadee over either.

I sighed and got up from my bed, shouting to Tom I was going on a walk. I left the house, taking my phone with me. It was a nice afternoon, the weather just perfect. A little cold, which I loved.

I plugged in my earphones and played my Fuck It Playlist, the one with all the fast beat, angry worded songs. Everyone needs a Fuck It Playlist. I wasn’t having a bad day or anything, I just wanted to listen to upbeat songs.

Anarbor’s Let the Games Begin came on. I hummed quietly to myself. I walked by Cass’s house and my phone buzzed. I opened the text from Jack, stopping my walking.

Be ready to go in about an hour. We’re going on a date.

I grinned. I guess this could be our first real deal that wasn’t on a holiday, like Valentine’s Day.

“Alex?” I heard Cass’s soft voice say from behind me.

I turned around, putting my phone back in my pocket. “Um... Hi.”

“Why are you here?”

“I was just taking a walk and Jack texted me, so I stopped to read it...”

“Oh. Um... Do you want to come inside?”

“No.” I answered immediately. “Too risky.”

“What risks are there?”

“Becoming your friend again and getting hurt. Again.”

“I’m sorry, Alex.”

“I find that hard to believe. Why would you want to be friends with a weak, gay, emo?” I spat, glaring at her with the memory of Kellin’s words and her agreeing.

“So you did hear.”

“Hard not to.”

“I’m sorry. Those were Kellin’s words, not mine.”

“They might as well been yours since you agreed to them.”

She stayed quiet for a minute. “I’m sorry.” She repeated, taking a step closer. I didn’t move away, although I felt I should.

“Cass.” I warned.

“What?” She took another step forward, now she was right in front of me.

I took a step back. “Don’t.”

Another step. If I went back, I’d go right into the street. “Don’t what.”

“Don’t do what I think you’re going to do.”

“What do you think I’m going to do?” She breathed, standing on her tiptoes.

“Cass...” I warned again, turning my head.

Her hand rose and turned my head to face her and she connected our lips. I immediately pushed her away. “Cassadee, I have a boyfriend who I love to death and you know that.”

“Alex, I’m sorry I didn’t realize this before, but I really like you. I do, as more than a friend.”

“We’re not even friends. And I’m taken. I’m not breaking up with Jack for someone who added two cuts to my hips.”

“What?”

“You were the 155th and 156th cut on me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I have to go.” I started to walk away, but her hand caught my arm.

“Wait.”

“I really have to go, Cassadee. I’m going on a date with Jack in forty-five minutes.”

She sighed. “Text me?”

I shook my head. “No. We need to lose contact. We aren’t friends or anything more. Just... Don’t talk to me.” I felt mean, but it had to happen. Her eyes filled with tears as she nodded and walked back towards her house as I walked back the way I came.

She kissed me. It felt wrong. I hated it. Which was good, since I loved Jack. I sighed and reached my house, going upstairs and taking a quick shower.

I blow-dried my hair and straightened it, then thought of something and texted Jack. How fancy is this date? Like, casual or fancy?

In between.

I figured that was enough information. I finished with my hair and changed my clothes to a white v-neck and a black leather jacket with my tightest black skinnies and worn out red Converse.

I brushed my teeth and popped about four Altoids, then rinsed with mouthwash, shivering at the minty taste of it. I sprayed some cologne on and checked myself over in the mirror.

I frowned. If I wasn’t impressing myself, how was I supposed to impress Jack?

You don’t need to, I told myself.

But I felt like I did. I felt like a girl going on her first day with the guy she liked. As I was frowning at myself in the mirror, Tom came in.

“Woah, looking good. Where are you going?”

That slightly boosted my self confidence. “Jack’s taking me on a date.”

“Ah. How fancy? Fancy or casual?”

“In between. Do I look okay? I’m not sure if I’m liking this.”

“You look great. You don’t need to impress him, he already loves you.”

“I know, but...” I sighed. “I don’t know.”

“Exactly. You don’t know because you look fine.”

The doorbell rang and my stomach flipped, which was stupid.

It’s just Jack, I thought to myself. You shouldn’t be nervous.

I took a deep breath and walked downstairs, opening to the door to find a devilishly good looking Jack, leaning against the door frame. He smiled at me and took my hand, only making my nerves grow.

I felt anxious. Like I wasn’t in a good situation, or I need to get something off my chest, or I needed to get out of where I was, which was Jack’s car. I usually felt so safe around Jack.

“Wh-Where are we going?” I asked, cursing myself for stammering.

Jack frowned. “That’s a surprise. You okay? You sound nervous.”

“I am and I don’t know why.” I sighed, then remembered the kiss Cass had given me. “Cass kissed me.” I blurt.

Jack looked at me, eyebrow raised. “What?”

“She kissed me.”

“I heard. But how?”

“I was on a walk and stopped outside her house to read your text and she came out and said she missed me and liked me the way I like you and then she kissed me but I pushed her away and said I had to go on a date with you and she didn’t try anything else and I’m sorry!” I rushed.

“Alex, as long as you didn’t kiss her back, it’s okay.”

“It is?”

“Just please make sure it doesn’t happen again. I don’t want to have to either share you or compete with someone else for you.”

“You won’t have to compete because you already have me.” I still felt nervous, even though I had told him and he didn’t make a big deal out of it.

“You still seem nervous.” He commented, reading my mind. “Why?”

“I-I don’t know.” I admitted. I really didn’t.

“Calm down, it’s only me. You know I won’t hurt you.”

“That’s not what I’m worrying about, I don’t think. I trust you, I really do, I just... I don’t know. I really just don’t know.” I sighed.

“Well, try to relax.” He smiled warmly at me, helping me calm down a little bit.

We drove for another five minutes or so until Jack came to a stop outside of My Brother Vinny’s, an Italian restaurant. He held my hand as we walked inside and apparently had made reservations.

The place was really crowded, not helping my nervousness. Was I having an anxiety attack? I used to get those back in eighth grade in my English class, since I was in a class with kids who I always felt were talking about me behind my back when they probably weren’t.

Jack and I sat opposite of each other and I was starving. We ordered our drinks, just water, and talked some. My nerves only got worse, to the point where my palms were sweating and I felt too hot. I took off my jacket and caught sight of my scars, suddenly feeling sick to my stomach. Not in a way where I felt like I would throw up, but in the way where your appetite completely disappears and your stomach flips over and over.

I took deep breaths over and over, yet I still felt like I just couldn’t get enough air in my lungs. My eyes couldn’t focus on anything.

“Lex? Are you okay?” I heard Jack asked. My eyes darted to look at him.

“I-um... I’ll be right back.” I said nervously, getting up and walking shakily towards the bathroom.

I texted Tom. He wouldn’t be able to help, but maybe it would calm me down. Help. Anxiety attack in the restaurant and I don’t want to ruin this night for Jack and I.

He replied immediately. Jack will understand. Get yourself out of the situation. Now.

I took a deep breath and drank some water from the faucet. Nothing was helping and I really didn’t want to cancel the date.

I took a few more deep breaths before going back out to Jack, who looked at me with a confused look. “You okay?”

“Y-Yeah.”

He didn’t look convinced, but dropped it as the waiter came to take our orders. I got a small bowl of pasta, as did Jack.

My attack just got worse from there. I really felt like I couldn’t breathe when our food came. I tried eating some of it, but found I was so not hungry that I felt too full. I decided that Jack and I should leave unless I wanted to pass out in the middle of the restaurant. I did that in eighth grade once, when I ignored an anxiety attack.

“Jack, can we go?” I asked breathily.

“Are you feeling okay?” He asked worriedly.

“I’m having an anxiety attack and I really don’t want to pass out in the middle of the restaurant so can we please go?” My heart was racing faster.

“Of course.” Jack called over the waiter and asked for the check. She gave it to us and he paid, then we went outside and I took deep breaths. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“I didn’t want to ruin the night.”

“Alex, if you’re having an anxiety attack, tell me. I don’t want you to pass out.”

I nodded, more deep breaths. My heart was still racing and my eyes not focusing, my palms still sweating.

“Try to relax, baby.” Jack said softly, his arm going around my waist.

I nodded again. I was shaking. “Can I sit down?” I asked, feeling like my knees were giving out.

“Of course.” Jack took me to the closest bench, sitting down with me. “It’s okay, nothing can hurt you.”

“It’s not that I’m anxious about. These things just come about. I haven’t had once since eighth grade. My worst was when I actually did pass out.”

“Why did you have them in eighth grade? Do you know?”

“I was really insecure about what people thought of me. I was just that kid who had friends who were popular, but I myself wasn’t. I sort of kept to myself and was known for being the one who loves bands that no one else knows of. One of the popular guys called me socially awkward, which spurred on the entire grade to calling me socially awkward. That guy and most of his friends were in my English class. I always thought they were talking about me when I really had no idea what they were talking about. So I would always have anxiety attacks and one day the seating chart was changed and I was surrounded by kids who were popular, who didn’t bother me but I constantly thought were talking about me behind my back. I had a really bad anxiety attack, one where I felt like I couldn’t breathe and I was shaking and sweating and I couldn’t focus on anything. My heart started racing faster than it ever had before and I got up to throw something away when I just... Passed out. My knees gave out and I was taken to the hospital to get oxygen back in my lungs. I just didn’t want that to happen in the middle of the restaurant.”

“Aww, my poor baby.” Jack cooed, letting me lean into him and he kissed my hair. “I’m glad you told me.”

I shrugged. “I’m disappointed I ruined the date.”

“We’ll finish it another night.”

“Okay.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” I really did love Jack, he was sweet and perfect and hot and cute and supportive and sensitive and just amazing all together.

I had awesome taste in boyfriends.

Notes

Look who didn't take years to update? Meeeeeee!