Chapter 19

Alex’s POV

Rian and I didn’t hang out for long, about three hours or something. It was a little bit awkward, seeing as he threatened my best- EX best friend. I didn’t tell him about anything that had gone wrong lately, I really didn’t trust him. He went home at around 6:30pm for dinner.

I was sort of glad to be alone now. Not alone as in friends, but alone as in with no one around. I just plugged in my earphones and listened to my bad day playlist again.

After a while, the doorbell rang and I figured it was Rian, maybe he had forgotten something. I went downstairs to open the door and there stood Jack on my porch. I just sort of stood there and stared at him, trying not to break down. Seeing him reminded me of our fight about Cass, which... Reminded me of Cass.

“Can I come in?” Jack asked.

“I guess...” I sighed and let him in. I went into the kitchen and tossed him a bottle of water.

“Alex, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get so worked up about you and Cass.”

“Don’t even talk about Cass, you got exactly what you wanted. She’s gone.” I said harshly.

“What do you mean, gone? She was in class today.”

“I mean gone from my life. She said that we can’t be friends anymore, so you won’t have to deal with her taking me away from you anymore.”

“Why would she not want to be friends anymore?” Jack frowned.

“How the hell should I know? She just texted me saying that we couldn’t be friends, it couldn’t go on, things are different now than they were. So on top of that and our fight, Tom got all pissed off at me for doing nothing around the house, I got a D- on my chemistry test, and the Anarbor concert I was planning on getting tickets for sold out. So I spent all of Tuesday in my bed listening to my sad song playlist and crying my eyes out.”

“Lexi, I’m really sorry about our argument. I was having an off day and something about you and her pissed me off. I didn’t mean anything I said.”

“Well it doesn’t matter now.” I said, taking my water and going upstairs to my room. Jack followed me and lay next to me on the bed.

“So you think she’s being serious about this?” He asked, still frowning.

“Yeah, she blocked me from her phone and won’t even glance at me anymore.” I said, looking at my hands in my lap.

“I’m sorry.”

“I know. You’ve said like about a thousand times already.”

“Are you still mad at me?”

“I’d rather us just forget the whole thing because it makes me think of Cass.”

“Okay. Then can I kiss you?”

“Sure.” I smiled and he pressed his lips against mine. I kissed him back, our lips moving together in the perfect sync we had managed to get just right over these few months. His tongue gently grazed my lower lip and I opened my mouth. He went slow, which I wasn’t too unhappy about. He touched his tongue to mine and a little spark shot through me as I licked back against the intrusion.

He pulled back after a while and rested our foreheads together, both of us catching our breath. After a few seconds, he said, “Can I kiss you again?”

“Stop fucking asking, we’ve kissed a billion times.” I laughed and kissed him, trying to keep it innocent this time.

Apparently Jack has the power to take whatever innocence there is out of me and throw it out the window, because I was laying on my back with Jack hovering over me, his lips attached to mine and his hands up my shirt. Mine were in his back pockets.

Jack apparently ran out of breath and broke up, getting off and laying next to me with his arm around my shoulders. “Better now?”

“Kissing me won’t bring Cass back, Jay.”

“Maybe not, but at least we’re talking again.” He smiled and kissed my cheek.

“And I’m glad about that, but I still really miss her.”

“Do you want me to talk to her?”

“I know Cass well enough to know that once she decides on something, she rarely changes her mind.”

“Oh.” Jack didn’t really seem to know how to respond to that. I didn’t really blame him. “You look cute.”

“Shut up, I look fucking awful.”

“Maybe so, but you still look cute to me.”

“I do not, don’t even try to say I do.”

“Why would I lie to such a perfect boy?” He grinned and kissed me quickly.

“I am so far from perfect!” I complained.

“You are not!”

I pulled up my shirt to show the scars. “If I was perfect, these wouldn’t be here.”

Jack just smiled and scooted down, then kissed each scar and moved back up. “Your scars are what make you beautiful.”

“I’m not beautiful.”

“You’re right, you’re gorgeous and adorable and sexy.”

“I’m the exact opposite of those.”

“Nope. If you were the opposite of those, I wouldn’t be dating you.”

“I’m surprised you’re dating me anyway.”

“Why?” He frowned.

“Look at me. I’m nothing special. I don’t stop people on the street with my looks and I’m not exactly the nicest person out there. My one arguable accomplishment is getting to date you, even though you deserve someone much better. My scars only make me look weak and vulnerable, which is precisely what I am. I’m getting nowhere with my life and the end of senior year is already almost here and I probably won’t even graduate. I always find it hard to believe you love me, even though deep down I know you do. So yeah, I’m surprised you’d want to date me.”

“But... But you’re so amazing.” Jack tried to argue.

“No I’m not.”

“Alex, come on. You can’t honestly believe any of that. You’re gorgeous, adorable, sexy, sweet, funny, caring, and sensitive. You’re just what I want. I can’t imagine dating anyone better than you, to be honest. Your scars just say that you overcame something big and that makes you the strongest person in the world. You’re going to graduate, I know it. You’ll do something amazing with your life. You are the only person I want to date in this whole world. I honestly love you, I love you more than anything or anyone else in the world. The reason I stayed so put together when my mom died that day was because I knew you were right here waiting for me to make everything better. You don’t know what you do to me. You make me ecstatic every time I see you and my whole body fills with love just by the way you smile. I can honestly say I love you and not feel like I don’t believe myself, because to be truthful, I’ve never believed myself on anything more. Don’t ever think you aren’t good enough for me, because you are the single person who makes me feel wanted.”

I just sort of sat there with a little smile playing at my lips after Jack’s speech. “I love you too.” I whispered, as though if I talked too loud it would ruin the moment.

Jack blushed and smiled at me before leaning in and kissing me, soft and slow. At that moment, Jack’s phone buzzed. He groaned and pulled away, picking it up and opening the text.

~~~
Jack’s POV

Tom had texted me. I’ve got no clue why, he was in the room just down the hall.

I heard what you said to Alex. I didn’t realize just how insecure he was, but I’m so fucking glad he’s got you. I’ve seen the way he looks at you, how he acts when you guys have a good day together. He really loves you, which is surprising, because he’s never been in a real relationship. He didn’t believe in love. How you changed his mind, I don’t know. But he loves you more than anything and I’m pretty sure you better do something drastic to show him that you love him too. Just a thought :)

I smiled. Valentine’s Day was coming up... Maybe I’d do something special for that. Something special for Alex. “What are you smiling about?” Alex asked.

“Hm? Oh, nothing. It doesn’t matter.” I lied easily.

I don’t really think he believed me, but he let it go either way and hugged me sideways. I hugged him back and the door opened, revealing Tom.

Alex let go of me and settled into my side. “Hey T.”

“Hey Lex, hey Jay.” He winked at me and Alex gave him a confused look but didn’t say anything.

“Whatcha need?” Alex asked.

“I was just bored.”

“And what are we supposed to do about that?”

“Entertain me or find something else to entertain me.”

“Go find another girlfriend.”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Well, I like someone, but you would hate me if I told you who.”

“Tom, you tell me right this damn minute.” Alex said firmly.

“No.”

“I will tickle it out of you if I have to.” He threatened.

“No.”

“Last chance.”

“No.”

“You asked for it.” Alex got up quickly and sprinted over to Tom, who tried to get away, but couldn’t get the door open quick enough and was attacked by Alex. Alex dug his fingers into Tom’s side, making him shout and laugh and smack Alex’s hands away. He just moved up to his neck instead. “Stop! Stop it! Get off!” Tom yelled.

“Tell me who you like!”

“No!”

Alex kept tickling him, Tom still smacking his hands and shouting and laughing. “Fine! Fine! I like Cass!” He finally shouted.

Alex froze. “You WHAT?”

“I like Cass.”

“Cassadee Pope?” Alex said, astonished.

Tom nodded, biting his lip. “Mhm.”

“You are forbidden to like her.”

“What? I am not!”

“She has a boyfriend! Unless they broke up, I wouldn’t know.”

“Why not?”

“She said she couldn’t be my friend anymore, to keep the story short. So we aren’t friends anymore and I’m super upset over it and you are not allowed to like my ex best friend!”

“Why not?”

“Because! It’s the bro code! You can’t like your brother’s friend! Or ex friend!” Alex argued. He was right.

“Why? She isn’t your friend anymore, so I should be able to date her.”

“No. Hell no. You can’t like Cassadee. She probably doesn’t even like you back!”

“Jack, help me out on this.” Tom said.

“I have to agree with Alex, you’re violating the bro code, but I don’t want to get in the middle of this, so don’t get me into it.” I said.

“Damn you! Alex, I can’t control what I feel about her! I’m allowed you like whoever the hell I want!”

“Not my fucking ex best friend.”

“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t date her.”

“Because... Because I said so. She was my best friend, if you guys start dating and she comes over to hang out with you, I’d most likely be here and you know how upset that would make me.” Alex said weakly. Even thinking about her made him want to cry, I could tell.

“Alex, I can’t just stop liking her. I’m not going to give up just yet.” Tom said before leaving the room. Alex glared after him for a second before coming and cuddling back in my side. My arm automatically went around his shoulders as he curled into a little ball on his side.

“Well, he was right. I hate him.” Alex said.

~~~
Alex’s POV (School, the next day)

I decided to leave Cass a note in her locker about what my brother said. Just so she could know.

My brother likes you. As more than a friend. As in, he wants to date you. –A

I felt like A from that stupidly addicting show Pretty Little Liars. Yes, I loved that show, it was intriguing.

I went to Jack’s room before school like I always did. He wasn’t in there. I frowned, but sat in my spinny chair and waited for him. I only waited for about two minutes before he came in and gave me a quick kiss hello. “Hey babe.” He greeted.

“Hey Jay.”

“I have to tell you something.” He said, rushing his words in a nervous fashion.

I sat up from my leaning back position. “Okay, what?”

He bit his lip and pulled the corner of his shirt up a little bit to reveal a single red line. I gasped and quickly got up, going over to him and pulling his shirt back down. “Jack! What the hell were you thinking?” I hissed.

“I wasn’t.” He said sheepishly.

“Why the hell would you do that?”

“I was really scared you were going to break up with me after our fight.”

“Is there only one?”

“From the other night, yes.”

I narrowed my eyes. “What do you mean, ‘From the other night’.”

He licked his lips and showed me his wrist. Two barely there scars ran across it, easy to miss if you weren’t looking for them. “Jack! For fucks sake, you can’t do this to yourself! Why did you do this?”

“It was when you wanted me to be your boyfriend and I rejected you, then later that night at home I realized I had made a big mistake and thought I’d never get you back as a friend or a boyfriend or anything, for that matter. So I sort of lost control and tried it.”

“You can’t do this anymore. Promise?”

“I’ll try. I’m not addicted.”

“I’m serious, Jack. This is dangerous.”

“I’ll stop if you stop.”

“I’ve already stopped. Did- Did I make you think this was okay?” I asked nervously, hoping to god that wasn’t why he had tried it.

“No!” He exclaimed, putting his hands on my hips and pulling me closer. “No, never.” The bell rang, but he didn’t let me go as kids came in the room. “It was a spur of the moment thing and I couldn’t think of another way to get rid of the pain. I’ll try to stop, I swear.”

“Stop what? Cheating on Alex?” Jasey sneered.

Jack rolled his eyes but didn’t look at her. “I have never cheated on Alex and I don’t plan to.”

“So what are you trying to stop?”

“None of your damn business.” Jack grinned and kissed me, still holding me against him by my hips. He kissed me longer than he usually does when we’re in class, but we weren’t making out or anything.

When I broke away, I grinned at me and gave him one more quick kiss before going to my seat. I caught Cassadee’s eye for a split second before looking away as fast as possible so that I didn’t cry.

Jack taught a quick review lesson today, not very long at all. I didn’t sing after he was finished, instead I went up and sat next to him in my spinny chair. “Hey baby.” I smiled at him.

“Hey darlin.” He grinned back and gave me a quick kiss. “How you doing?”

“Eh.” I shrugged. “I gave Cass a note in her locker about Tom liking her.”

“Why?”

“So that she knows.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Jack, are you sure I didn’t make you think that that was okay?” I nodded towards his hip.

“No.”

“No, you aren’t sure, or no, I didn’t?”

“I don’t know.”

“Jack! I made you think that was okay?”

“I don’t know! I-I think the fact that you’ve done it before made it easier to actually go through with it. I think I was thinking that if you could deal with it, so could I, but I just don’t know!”

I smacked the back of his head. “Don’t ever listen to me if I say cutting isn’t a big deal!” I hissed.

“Why did you just hit Jack?” Danny asked.

“I was trying to get something through his head. Shut up.” I said, not looking away from Jack. I sighed and took his hand, leading him outside the room.

“Jack, don’t ever think that cutting is okay. Because it’s not. I was stupid for even thinking about trying it in eighth grade. And even stupider to go through with it. I wish I hadn’t done it, it was the biggest mistake I ever made. Don’t think that just because I’ve done it and survived and said it releases pain that you should go ahead and try it.” I said seriously, looking him right in the eye the entire time.

“You didn’t completely fuel the fire. I was the one who actually did it. It was my brain that told me that it’d be fine, that it’d release the pain, that it’d make everything better. I told you I won’t do it again and I won’t. Okay?”

I sighed. “I just don’t want you getting hurt.”

“I won’t, I promise.” He smiled and wrapped his arms around my waist, linking his fingers together on my back. My arms looped around his neck and I looked up at him, half smiling. “Don’t worry. I can keep a promise for you.”

“Okay. If I find out you cut again, we’re going to have a serious talk.”

“Alright mom.” He rolled his eyes. “Do you know how many cuts are on you? All together?” He asked.

I nodded. “156.”

His jaw dropped. “156! Holy shit Alex!”

“I know it’s a lot, but at least I’ve stopped. The number isn’t getting higher or lower.”

He sighed. “I’m glad.”

“But I’m really serious now Jack, I don’t want you doing that. It scares the hell out of me.”

“Now you know how I felt when I noticed the cuts on your arm that day.”

“We weren’t even dating. I don’t even think we were friends.”

“And yet I loved you.” He smiled at me and kissed my nose.

“I loved you too. I still love you.”

“I still love you too.” He grinned and I gave him a little series of quick kisses on the lips before we pulled away from each other’s arms and went back inside the room.

“Did you just give him a blowjob or something Jack?” Jasey asked upon seeing my happy look.

I gave her a disgusted look. “No! We’ve never done blowjobs.”

“Oh, is that so?”

“Yeah, actually, it is. And if we did, we wouldn’t do it in the school hallway!”

“So why are you so happy?”

“Just a few little words that always make my day.”

“What words? Fuck me?”

“No. You know which words.”

“No I don’t.”

“How ignorant are you? He told me he loved me!” I exclaimed, frustrated with her false stupidity.

“But he didn’t mean it.”

“Why would I lie about loving him?” Jack asked, frowning.

“Because he’s worthless? He’s not cute, or hot, he has those ugly scars all over his arms, he really can’t sing, he’s rude and annoying, and I’m sure he’s failing every class. Why would you love him?”

Well, that fucking hurt. Pointing out all my flaws, of which I already knew and hated. I just looked down at my lap, my hands fumbling with each other as I tried my best not to show that she had hurt me.

“Jasey, get out.” Jack said quietly. She had attracted everyone’s attention with her little rant about me.

“You can’t make me do anything, Barakat.”

“You’ve really done enough. Now please get out of my classroom and don’t come back in until tomorrow.”

I zoned out while they argued. All I could think about was how I was right. Jack was wrong, he had lied to me. I wasworthless. I would never be cute or hot, I wasrude and annoying, I was failing almost every class, or close to it, Icouldn’t sing, and my scars did just made me look weak, vulnerable, and ugly.

“All I said was the truth. Everyone here knows it. He’ll never be anything, Jack! You deserve someone better than him. He’s made too many mistakes to be worth anything.” Jasey said as I zoned back in.

Everyone was silent except for Jack and Jasey. I was glad Jack was being careful not to give away any of my secrets, like how I was already insecure enough and how I struggled with cutting for more years than she thought. Jack was really fucking pissed at her, I could tell.

“Jasey, you need to get the hell out of this room.” He said firmly.

“You aren’t the boss of me, Barakat.”

“I’m going home.” I mumbled as I stood up quickly and ran from the room, tears threatening to spill over as I got in my still broken car and tried desperately to start it. After about fifteen turns of the key, it finally started and I saw Jack running out of the school as I was driving away. I knew I wasn’t being safe, tears clouding my vision, but I could see well enough. I blink multiple times to clear my eyes enough to see the road.

I made it back to my house and immediately went up to my room, passing Tom’s room on the way. He was in there working on papers for college.

“Hello?” He called.

“It’s just me, Tom.” I said, my voice slightly shaky and not strong.

“What are you doing home?”

“Something came up at school and I couldn’t handle it. Don’t bother asking what, I really don’t want to talk.” I replied as I got to my room and shut the door, locking it. I checked my phone and saw a text from Jack, which I opened.

Lex, I know Jasey hurt you, but don’t do anything drastic, please.

He meant cutting. Or full on suicide. I texted back, my hands shaking from the will power not to cry. I won’t.

My phone buzzed as I sent it. I opened the new message and immediately recognized Cass’s number. Lex, are you okay?

We’re not friends. And no, I’m not. Don’t cause me anymore pain than you already have and don’t text me again. I typed, figuring that would get the message across.

After a while, Tom tried to come in my room. But since I had locked the door, he was just scared that I was dead. “Alex. Alex, answer me, let me know you aren’t dead!” He shouted.

“I’m not fucking dead!” I yelled back. The locked clicked and Tom came in, tossing a bobby pin to the side.

“What went so wrong that you had to come home?”

“Everything. Please just get out, I really don’t want to talk to you. If Jack comes by, you can let him in.”

Tom sighed and left.

After another few hours, Jack came over and lay next to me on the bed, spooning with me. He kissed my neck before talking. “Are you okay?”

“Does it look like I’m okay?”

“I can’t really tell.”

“No, I’m not fucking ‘okay’.” I snapped.

“So talk to me.”

“I don’t even know what to say.”

“So tell me how you feel.”

“Broken, weak, stupid, vulnerable, hurt, useless, sad, scared... The list could go on forever.”

“Why scared?”

“I’m afraid this is going to get to me more than it already has and I’m going to slip into old habits.” I said, placing his hand on my hip to show I was talking about cutting.

“I won’t let you do that.”

“I’m not afraid that you’ll let me. I’m afraid I’ll let myself.”

“I won’t let you do that.” He repeated. “And I won’t let you let yourself do that.”

“She just doesn’t realize how insecure I really am. Everyone except you and Cass think that I’m the big headed jerk who thinks with his dick. It really sucks that I’m not that guy.”

“Why? I would hate it if you were that guy. I love the way you are, sweet and sensitive and adorable. You’re perfect to me, even if you aren’t to other people. Jasey’s just a flaw-finding bitch.”

“Well, she manages to break people down as easily as she breaths.”

“Too bad she breaths at all.”

“Yeah well, she does.” I sighed. “And it really sucks sometimes.”

~~~
(Jack’s Apartment)

I was all cuddled into Jack’s side, under the covers of his bed. I was about to start a conversation, but Matt came in. “Hey Jay. Hey Lex, I didn’t know you were here.” He said.

I nodded against Jack’s chest since my head was resting on it. “I’m here.”

“Anyway, are you guys hungry?”

I shrugged. “Not a lot.”

“I’m sorta hungry, I could use a piece of pizza.” Jack said.

“Alright, that’s what I was thinking. Anything in specific? Alex, you want anything?”

I shook my head. “I’m alright.”

“Lex, you have to eat. I know you’re hurting, but not eating won’t make it any better.” Jack said quietly.

I sighed. “Fine, I have a piece of pizza.”

“Okay, I’m getting pepperoni.” Matt said before leaving and closing the door behind him.

Jack kissed my hair. “You know I love you, right?”

I closed my eyes and nodded. “I know. I love you too.”

“No, Lexi, I don’t quite think you realize just how much I love you.”

“Why not? I know you love me, isn’t that enough for me to know?”

“Sometimes I wonder if you question my love for you.”

“Sometimes I do. But I know deep down that you’ll never stop loving me.” I smiled, but didn’t open my eyes.

“I’d die for you, Lex.”

“I’d die for you too, Jay. I really would.” I smiled to myself, knowing I truly meant it.

Because what’s the point of loving someone if you wouldn't give up your life so they could continue theirs?

Notes

Yeah so I updated rather quickly, love me! Thank you for all the comments/rates/subscriptions!