He's Adorable as Hell
The Mess I Made
Chapter 18
Alex’s POV
I went to school today, going in Jack’s car. He said he didn’t want me driving, which I didn’t quite understand why, but whatever. I liked going with Jack.
The minute I set foot in the school, I was literally attacked by Cassadee. She screamed and ran towards me, giving me a big hug and laughing. I laughed too and hugged her back tightly.
“You’re back! I missed you!” She squealed. I grinned and kissed her cheek.
“Yeah babe, I’m back. I missed you too, you have to fill me in on things at lunch!”
“Alex, you are such a girl sometimes.” Jack laughed. I smacked his arm.
“Shut the fuck up, this is what happens when you’re best friends with a girl for six years.” I said.
“Still pissy, are we?”
“Oh shut up, it’s reasonable for me to be pissy, I probably have a shitload of homework to make up.”
“Most likely.” He grinned and I smacked his arm again. “Come on babe, you know you love me.”
“Fine, I love you.”
“I love you too.” He laughed, giving me a quick kiss. I grinned against his lips before pulling back to see Cass smiling at us.
“You guys are so fucking cute.” She said.
“Shut up, we are not.”
“I don’t know Alex, you’re pretty cute. And that picture Tom took was pretty adorable.” Jack said.
“Ohhh, picture of Jack and Alex? Let me see!” Cass said excitedly. I rolled my eyes and showed her the screensaver on my phone. “OH MY GOD! How do you not think you guys are cute, Alex?! That is so fucking adorable!”
“That’s what I thought! Alex was a bitch and thought it was embarrassing.” Jack said, poking my side and making me yelp.
“Oh I was not being a bitch, and it is embarrassing!” I argued. Jack just laughed and pulled me towards his classroom.
Instead of his spinny chair, he sat in a chair with no arms and closed his eyes, leaning his head back. I took the chance while I had it and went over to sit on his lap, facing him. His eyes flew open and he grinned at me, his hands sliding in the back pockets of my jeans.
I grinned back and kissed him, long and sweet. I was taller than him here, making him have to tilt his head up and me have to look down. My fingers were in his soft raven locks and he gently squeezed my butt, making me giggle against his lips. “No boners.” I muttered.
“Damn it.” He whispered back, kissing me again. It remained innocent, closed mouth and just a little bit on hands-on things.
Okay, it was the exact opposite of that.
Opposite as in I was sitting on Jack’s desk with him between my legs, his hands up my shirt, my hands in the his back pockets, tongues tangled, and probably lust blown eyes, although I’m pretty sure Jack’s eyes were closed like mine. He nipped my lower lip and licked the area right away to soothe the pleasurable pain. What I wanted to do was fuck him right here and now, but since the bell could ring any minute, that didn’t seem like a good idea.
The door opened and Cassadee walked in. We actually didn’t notice her and continued to make out until she cleared her throat and Jack yelped and jumped away, blushing. I just laughed at his reaction.
“Hey Cass.” I greeted, not really caring if she had seen Jack and I. “What’re you doing here?”
“The bell rang...” She said, raising an eyebrow at me. “I can see you didn’t hear because you were having a little make out session with your boyfriend in here.”
“The bell rang? Well yes, I was enjoying my make out session with my hot boyfriend in here.” I grinned and Jack blushed deeper.
Some more kids came in. I kissed Jack quickly and when he pulled back, he hooked two fingers in my belt loops and held me against him by my hips. His eyes raked over my body, then he let me go and straightened my shirt. I grinned and did the same thing to him. I kissed him once more, letting my lips linger against his, before going to my seat grinning. Rian decided to sit next to me today. I gave him a look that said ‘Why the hell are you sitting there’.
“Calm your tits, Alex. Just wanted to sit up front today.” He said, shrugging.
“I’m not mad. I’m just confused. You hate me, why are you sitting next to me?”
“I don’t HATE you...”
“Yes you do.”
“Anyway, I just wanted to sit in the front today. I’m not up to anything.” He said, not denying the hate for me.
I just glanced at Jack, who was looking at me with the same skeptical expression about Rian. I just shrugged.
“Hey guys, I haven’t planned a lesson for today, have a free period.” Jack said from his desk, picking up his ringing phone. He didn’t go outside. “Hello?” He answered. He was silent for a while. “What? Why the hell would you do that?” He said, now going outside of the room, looking frustrated and upset at the same time.
I frowned, but got out my guitar and began to play Friday is Forever by We the Kings. Jack came back in after a few minutes and tossed his phone on the desk, then took two Advil. I finished the song and went up to his desk. “You okay?” I asked, worry shooting through me.
“No. My dad just called and said that my mom’s funeral has already occurred and they didn’t invite me. So I never got to see my mom get put to rest. Fuck. My. Life.”
“They seriously didn’t invite you? Why the hell not? You’re her fucking son! You get every right to see her put to rest!” I exclaimed.
“Apparently, ‘I would have been able to handle it’.” He said, making air quotes. “If I could handle it when I actually SAW her die, I could have handled being at her funeral!” He said loudly, attracting the attention of every student.
“What?” Danny asked.
Jack pinched the bridge of his nose. “Nothing. Just nothing.” He snapped.
“This isn’t nothing, Jack.” I murmured.
“What did Alex say?” Rian asked.
“Nothing! It doesn’t fucking matter!” Jack exclaimed.
“Jack, none of us are that much younger than you are. You can tell us what’s going on and I’m sure we’d understand.” Cass said gently.
Jack sighed. “I wasn’t invited to my mom’s funeral.” He muttered, looking down.
“Why not?” Danny asked.
“Because according to my dad, I wouldn’t be able to handle it.” He looked up.
“Well that’s dumb.”
“I know. So now I have to live with the fact that I never got to see her put to rest.” He sighed again and cast his eyes down.
I frowned and took his hand in mine as I sat in the spinny chair. “Cass babe, bring me my guitar.”
She got it for me and I began to sing Jimmy Eat World’s Hear You Me. I knew it was the perfect song for a death.
“There's no one in town I know.
You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.
What would you think of me now
So lucky, So strong, So proud?
I never said thank you for that,
Now I'll never have a chance...”
I sang the most of the song until Jack stopped me. “Seriously Alex, I don’t want to cry at school.” He said, smiling at me a little bit. I smiled sadly back.
“Jack, no one will judge you if you cry over something like this. Everyone else would do the same thing.” Zack said.
Jack just smiled sadly again and looked at his hands, which were in his lap. “Sing some more.” He said to me.
“Sad or happy?”
“Either.”
I sang Therapy. And Jack cried, silently and not a whole lot. Just a few tears. He clearly didn’t WANT to cry at school because he buried his face in my neck and loosely wrapped his arms around my torso as best he could when we were both sitting down. I rubbed his back and kissed his hair, not necessarily caring if anyone saw.
Rian was looking at us with a different expression than he usually does when Jack and I do something relationshippy. He almost looked like he thought we were cute together. Like he finally supported our relationship.
“This is so embarrassing.” Jack muttered, laughing breathily.
“Why? It’s not abnormal to cry over something like this.”
“It just is. You never see your teacher cry. Ever.”
“So? At least you aren’t forty or something and crying. That would be embarrassing.”
He grinned against my skin and pulled away from the hug. I was still confused over Rian’s expression. He was looking away now, but I frowned at him anyway. “What’s the matter?” Jack asked.
“I’ll tell you after school.” I muttered, tearing my gaze away from Rian and back to Jack. I smiled and the bell rang. I gave him a quick kiss and told him to not think about his mom. He agreed and kissed me again before I walked out.
Rian approached me on my way to my next class and I immediately took a step back. “Relax, Gaskarth. I’m not going to hurt you.” He said.
“So why are you here?” I asked.
“Um...” He looked around as to make sure no one was looking at us. “I wanted to apologize for being so mean about you and Jack’s relationship. I noticed how much you care about him today when he hugged you and I was actually almost jealous. Not of you, or of him, but of your relationship. I guess I always thought of you and him as a little fling, even after you guys had been dating for a while. But it’s more than that, you really love him. And he really loves you too.”
I smiled and looked back in Jack’s room to see him texting someone. I turned back to Rian. “Yeah, I really do love him. Glad you finally realized it’s something serious.”
“I actually need your help with something.” He said, biting his lip.
“Can we talk about this in history?” I asked. He nodded and we walked together to the room since we had the same period. I sat next to him instead of Cassadee. “So what do you need my help with?”
“I really want to date Cassadee.”
“No.” I said immediately.
“Alex, I didn’t mean it when I threatened her.”
“Yet you said it anyway. You scared the shit out of her! She came to my house the same night she stood you up and started crying when you texted her she’d regret it! Do you have any idea how screw out of dating her you are?”
“I know I made a mistake, but doesn’t everyone make mistakes?”
“Yes, but you told her you would RAPE her! And she has a boyfriend, Rian. She’s not single, you can’t date her anyway.”
“Please at least try to talk to her for me? I want a relationship with her like the one you have with Jack. Please please please please please?” He begged.
“You screwed yourself, dude. She’s taken and you scared her. You still scare her. Don’t you notice the panicked look her in eyes every time she sees you?”
“Can you at least tell me how I can regain her trust?”
“She never trusted you in the first place.”
“Fine, so can you tell me how I can make her not hate or be scared of me?”
I sighed. “I’ll talk to her. But I’m not making her break up with Caleb, I’m not forcing her to forgive you, and I sure as hell won’t set you guys up. This is the hole in the ground YOU dug and fell in to, not mine. You can find a way to fix this if you really want to.”
~~~
I went to Jack’s class after school like I always did. He was playing the guitar strings to Anything at All. I knew exactly which part he was at and began to sing along.
“And we’ve been here before, and I feel you can’t take much more...”
I smiled while I sang, leaning up against the wall with one foot flat against it and my hands in my pockets. Jack half smiled.
When we finished, he put the guitar to the side and I came and sat on his lap, leaning back against his chest as his arms went around my stomach. He kissed my neck before speaking. “What did you want to tell me?”
I remembered Rian. “Um... Rian supports our relationship.”
“What? Since when?”
“Since he realized that we weren’t just a little fling and that we were actually serious.”
Jack was quiet. “I thought we were just a little fling.” He said.
I froze and got off his lap. “What?”
“Sorry, I thought we both knew it wasn’t serious.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?!” I yelled, making him burst out in laughter. “Why the hell are you laughing?!”
“I’m kidding, Lex! I know we’re serious, I wouldn’t have told you I loved you if we weren’t.”
My jaw dropped. “Oh my god! I hate you!” I exclaimed, not meaning it and smacking his chest, then sitting back on his lap facing him. “You are such a bastard.” I growled, grabbing the collar of his shirt and forcing him to sit up so his face was closer to mine.
He audibly gulped, fear and lust in his eyes. “You are just the worst type of person.” I growled again, leaning even closer to him so that our lips were almost touching. I knew his heart was racing. “I am so fucking mad at you right now.” I whispered, my voice low and husky.
The lust in his eyes dominated the fear as I finally crushed our lips together roughly. He kissed me back immediately. I knew he was expecting it. My hands were still on the collar of his shirt, so I let go and slid them down so they were resting on his chest. His went up my shirt to rest on my stomach.
Our tongues were tangled when the door opened and I broke apart, groaning. “What the fuck do you want?” I asked unhappily, not looking to see who it was.
“You guys are so cute.” Cass chuckled.
I immediately felt bad. “Sorry babe, it’s the second time we’ve been interrupted. By you.”
“Sorry, but someone left a sweet note in my locker and it isn’t Caleb’s handwriting.” She said, handing me the note.
You’re gorgeous. <3
Rian’s handwriting. I grinned at his little attempt. “What did you feel when you saw it?”
“Um... Like they were really sweet and if I wasn’t dating Caleb I might date them?”
“I know who wrote it.”
“Who?”
“Sir Rian Dawson.”
Her jaw dropped and she tore the note into tiny pieces, then threw it on the ground. “I fucking hate him.”
I laughed. “He actually told me he wanted to have a relationship with you like Jack and I have.”
“What? Why? After he told me he’d rape me?”
“I don’t know why. But he said he didn’t actually mean it and he wants to date you for real. He’s trying to make a comeback in hope that you’ll forgive him. Give him a chance, Cass, he likes you. I know you have Caleb, but at least let him try to get you to forgive him.”
Her expression softened a little. “But he scares me.”
“I know baby, but he didn’t actually mean it. Give him a chance? For me?” I said, giving her the puppy look.
She sighed in defeat. “Damn you and those puppy eyes. Fine, I’ll give him a chance.”
“Yay!” I said happily, jumping up and giving her a kiss on the cheek.
“Alex, you are such a girl.” Jack laughed. I smacked his head.
“Shut UP, I know!” I complained. “This is what she’s done to me!”
“I can’t help but love it.” He grinned and kissed me. “And you.”
“I love you too.” I smiled and kissed him again.
“I’ve got to go catch up with Caleb, I’ll text you later Lex.” Cass said, exiting the room.
Jack and I stayed at the school until the principle came and kicked us out. We spent the rest of the day at Jack’s apartment, talking and laughing about stupid shit, watched a few movies, cuddled, and of course a few kisses.
~~~
(Four Days Later)
I flopped on my bed, worn out. It had been one of those days where nothing went right no matter what you did. Jack and I were in a little argument over my friendship with Cassadee, I got a D- on a chemistry test, Tom bitched me out for doing nothing around the house to help, the Anarbor concert I was going to get tickets for sold out, and I felt, once again, like I had no one in the world on my side.
Tears fell down my face and I thought of Coldplay. I grabbed my laptop and my guitar, started the video, and started to sing.
I posted my first singing video in over six months. I got comments and likes immediately. It didn’t make my day any better though.
Again, I felt tears run down my cheeks as I lay on my stomach on my bed with my arms sprawled out and I closed my eyes, taking deep, shaky breaths. I told myself I wouldn’t resort to cutting. I told myself that over and over and over and I finally believed myself. For once, I believed I wouldn’t cut myself.
My door opened and Tom came in. “Alex, I’m sorry for yelling at you.” He said gently.
“Can you just go? I’ve already have a shitty day and I really just want to be by myself.” I whimpered, trying to keep from stuttering with my throat closed up.
He sighed and left, closing the door behind him. My phone buzzed, but I didn’t look at it. I tried to go to sleep, even though it was only about 7:30pm. I kept taking deep breaths, each exhale coming out shaky as tears still streamed down my face, surely leaving stains.
I eventually fell asleep, my earphones in and playing every song ever written for bad days. I actually had a playlist titled ‘Songs for Bad Days’ because since life and I were enemies, bad days occurred often.
I thought about me and Jack’s fight. It was bad, especially since it was our first real fight.
I kissed Cass on the cheek, a little closer to her mouth than usual, on accident. When I turned back to Jack, he looked mad and jealous.
“What’s the matter?” I asked.
“You and Cassadee.”
I frowned. “What about me and Cassadee?”
“You guys are really, really close to just be best friends.”
“Are you saying that we shouldn’t be that close?”
“I’m just trying to say that maybe you should back up a little.”
“Are you jealous?”
“I just don’t like when my boyfriend, who has had PLENTY of girlfriends in the past, kisses a girl on the cheek.”
“Jack. Cass and I are friends. If you can’t handle how close we are, then that’s a problem.” I said, getting defensive.
He rolled his eyes. “Alex, I just don’t like when you show that much affection to a girl who is very pretty.”
“Are you kidding me? Cassadee and I are honestly just best friends.”
“All I want is for you to not show as much affection towards her.” Jack replied, his eyes cold and hard, not their usual happy.
I scoffed and crossed my arms. “I’m not going to. You’ve dealt with it this long, you can deal with it longer.”
“I don’t like when my boyfriend is so touchy feely with a girl he could potentially date.”
“You know what? Fine. You can deprive me of spending time with my best friend, but that means you and I? We’re through.” I threatened.
“Alex, you know neither of us want that. I don’t want you to be so lovey with her, that’s all.”
“Fine, Jack! You’ll get what you want! I won’t even go NEAR Cassadee if that’s what you really want! But if I can’t go near her, then I sure as hell won’t go near you either.” I said angrily, storming out of the classroom and speeding home.
Which brings me here. My phone buzzed again and I still ignored it. I tried to sleep, but I couldn’t. I was exhausted, but my mind wouldn’t stop. All I could think of was everything that had gone wrong and I finally broke the line from crying to sobbing.
What was wrong with me? Why was it so difficult for me to have an easy life? Why couldn’t I be carefree, not give a damn about anything?
I hated life and life hated me. We would be forever enemies.
I eventually fell asleep, still listening to my music and still sobbing.
~~~
I woke up and remembered yesterday. I sighed and looked at the time on my phone, noticing four texts and two calls from Jack. I ignored them. I did open the text from Cass.
Alex, I’m so so so sorry about this, but I think that we should spend some time apart. Things are just a little different now than they were and we shouldn’t be friends. I’m so sorry babe, I love you, I really do, but this can’t go on. I’m so sorry. Don’t even reply to this.
My heart stopped when I read the text and I broke down sobbing like last night. Jack got what he wanted. Cass was gone from my life. Tom was pissed at me. I wasn’t speaking to Jack. I had nobody.
I won’t cut, I told myself. I won’t. This isn’t worth cutting.
It was. It was worth cutting, but I still kept myself from going to that bathroom. I used every bit of will power in me and didn’t go in. I called the school saying I was sick. I sounded sick, what with my choked up throat and stuffy nose from all my crying, which hadn’t subsided.
I spent the entire day in my bed. Tom was spending the week with his friends at one of his friends cabin, so I was home alone. I locked myself out of the bathroom where we kept all our razors to resist the urge and threw the key out the window. Tom had an extra somewhere, but I didn’t know where. Probably good thing I didn’t.
Jack tried to text me and call me all day. I ignored it. Hearing his voice would remind me of the argument, which would remind me of Cass, which would remind me of her ditching me. Just seeing his name on my phone screen make me think of him.
After about the thirtieth text, I finally responded to him.
Please stop texting me, I’ve had a terrible few days and I need to be alone for a while.
I figured that would be fine for now. I got my laptop and went to Youtube, seeing comments on my Coldplay video wishing me luck with whatever was going on, saying they were thrilled I was back on, don’t stop again. No hate so far.
At about 5pm, the doorbell rang. I didn’t go get it, I looked like shit. I had tear stains all down my cheeks, I hadn’t gotten dressed, my hair looked like crap, my eyes were red and puffy, and I didn’t want to talk to anyone.
The doorbell rang again and I still ignored it. Until it rang a third time and I groaned, getting up out of the bed and dragging myself downstairs to open the door. I actually just threw it open and didn’t bother to see who it was before turning back around and going back upstairs to choke on my misery.
Someone came in my room just as more tears fell at the thought of Cassadee. “Alex.” Someone said. I didn’t recognize the voice, but it sounded familiar. I was on my stomach with my face in a pillow, tears soaking through the pillowcase.
“Who is it.” I mumbled.
“Zack.”
“What do you want.”
“I came to give you the homework for chemistry.”
“Just put it on the desk.” I said, blindly pointing in the direction of my desk. I heard him walk over and put whatever the homework was on the desk.
“Um... Are you okay?”
“No. Go away.”
“But-“
“Please just go away, Zack. I really just want to be alone right now, so please just get out.” I pleaded tiredly.
“Uh, okay... I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“Maybe. Bye.”
“Bye.”
I guessed he left and checked my phone, not really expecting anything. Although I had a text from Tom.
Are you actually going to clean the house for once while I’m gone?
So he was still pissed. Forever alone guy, right over here, going by the name of Alex Gaskarth, I thought to myself as I replied. Don’t bitch at me right now, it’s been a very shitty couple of days and you should be really fucking glad I locked myself out of the bathroom with all the razors.
I turned my phone off around 11:30pm and went to sleep. I decided to go to school tomorrow, but not sit in the front of the room like I usually did, but sit in the corner in the back.
So I could avoid Jack and Cassadee.
~~~
Like I told myself I would, I stayed away from the razors and went to school the next day. I didn’t meet Jack before class and I slipped in behind a group of kids in first period with me to get my little spot in the back corner.
I looked like SHIT. Utter shit. My hair looked terrible, I hadn’t even cared about my outfit today, my eyes were still a little red and slightly puffy. Jack started to take roll and since I wasn’t in my regular seat, he had to call out my name.
“Alex, you here?”
“Here.” I mumbled just loud enough so he could hear me.
“Would you know whether your boyfriend was here or not?” Jasey sneered.
“Jasey, I am not in the fucking mood today to hear your bullshit, so shut the fuck up for once.” Jack snapped. “Just take a free period.” He sighed, going to his desk and texting someone. At that moment, my phone buzzed. I rolled my eyes and turned it off. I got my guitar out and played Parachute’s She is Love. I sang it because of Cass and I mostly sang to myself, though a few people in my general area listened.
“What was that for, Lex? You look upset.” Rian said.
“I am upset but there isn’t anything you can do to change it, so it really doesn’t matter why I sang it.”
He didn’t reply and I didn’t want him to. I played mostly sadder songs, ending with Therapy. My favorite sad song.
Cass didn’t look at me the entire period. She looked like she wasn’t upset about ending things with me, but I knew her better than that. I didn’t know how upset me was, but it was there. As for Jack, he just watched me with a pained yet annoyed look for the whole period.
I wanted to skip the rest of the day. I couldn’t though. I dragged myself through the school hours before going to my locker at the end of the day to get my things and finding a note.
Alex, I’m so sorry about what I did, but I had to. It couldn’t keep going and we both know it. We had to move on from each other eventually, we wouldn’t be best friends forever. –C
My eyes filled with tears at the thought of Cassadee and I tore up the note, pushing it through the slots of her locker before grabbing my iPod and leaving the school as quickly as possible.
Well, tried to leave the school.
My goddamn shitty car wouldn’t start. I turned the key a bazillion times and the engine would begin to start, then die out. “Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.” I cursed, turning it a few more times before giving up and getting my most important things from the back and starting the walk home.
I was on the side of the road when someone pulled up next to me. “Alex, you need a ride?” Rian asked through the rolled down window.
“Um, yeah actually, that’d be great.” I said, getting in the front seat. “Thanks.”
“How come you aren’t driving?” He asked.
“My car is retarded and wouldn’t start on today of all days.”
“Why didn’t you get Jack to drive you home.”
“Don’t talk about Jack.” I said harshly.
“Um, okay... Sorry...”
I sighed. “No, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap.”
“Everything okay?”
“No. Nothing is ever ‘okay’ with me, in case you haven’t noticed.”
We reached my house and I went to unbuckle my seatbelt and get out, then stopped myself. “Do you want to come in for a while? Just to hang out? As a thanks for driving me home?” I asked.
“Sure, why not?” He smiled and got out with me. We walked in my house and went to the kitchen to find something to eat. After doing so, we sat on the couch and watched The Kardashians (his favorite show, god knows why) and talked. Turns out we had the same taste in music, he just wasn’t brave enough to express the love for music he had.
“You know, I was fucking terrified to express my taste in music. And rightfully so, people still sometimes tease me for wearing an AVP shirt or something.” I said. We were still watching the Kardashians, since it was a marathon and Rian had gotten me hooked.
“Well at leave you still went through with it. I’m almost jealous of how you still do something, even if you’re terrified out of your mind by it.” He smiled softly at me.
I smiled back, finally feeling like I had a new friend.
Maybe I wasn’t so alone after all.
Alex’s POV
I went to school today, going in Jack’s car. He said he didn’t want me driving, which I didn’t quite understand why, but whatever. I liked going with Jack.
The minute I set foot in the school, I was literally attacked by Cassadee. She screamed and ran towards me, giving me a big hug and laughing. I laughed too and hugged her back tightly.
“You’re back! I missed you!” She squealed. I grinned and kissed her cheek.
“Yeah babe, I’m back. I missed you too, you have to fill me in on things at lunch!”
“Alex, you are such a girl sometimes.” Jack laughed. I smacked his arm.
“Shut the fuck up, this is what happens when you’re best friends with a girl for six years.” I said.
“Still pissy, are we?”
“Oh shut up, it’s reasonable for me to be pissy, I probably have a shitload of homework to make up.”
“Most likely.” He grinned and I smacked his arm again. “Come on babe, you know you love me.”
“Fine, I love you.”
“I love you too.” He laughed, giving me a quick kiss. I grinned against his lips before pulling back to see Cass smiling at us.
“You guys are so fucking cute.” She said.
“Shut up, we are not.”
“I don’t know Alex, you’re pretty cute. And that picture Tom took was pretty adorable.” Jack said.
“Ohhh, picture of Jack and Alex? Let me see!” Cass said excitedly. I rolled my eyes and showed her the screensaver on my phone. “OH MY GOD! How do you not think you guys are cute, Alex?! That is so fucking adorable!”
“That’s what I thought! Alex was a bitch and thought it was embarrassing.” Jack said, poking my side and making me yelp.
“Oh I was not being a bitch, and it is embarrassing!” I argued. Jack just laughed and pulled me towards his classroom.
Instead of his spinny chair, he sat in a chair with no arms and closed his eyes, leaning his head back. I took the chance while I had it and went over to sit on his lap, facing him. His eyes flew open and he grinned at me, his hands sliding in the back pockets of my jeans.
I grinned back and kissed him, long and sweet. I was taller than him here, making him have to tilt his head up and me have to look down. My fingers were in his soft raven locks and he gently squeezed my butt, making me giggle against his lips. “No boners.” I muttered.
“Damn it.” He whispered back, kissing me again. It remained innocent, closed mouth and just a little bit on hands-on things.
Okay, it was the exact opposite of that.
Opposite as in I was sitting on Jack’s desk with him between my legs, his hands up my shirt, my hands in the his back pockets, tongues tangled, and probably lust blown eyes, although I’m pretty sure Jack’s eyes were closed like mine. He nipped my lower lip and licked the area right away to soothe the pleasurable pain. What I wanted to do was fuck him right here and now, but since the bell could ring any minute, that didn’t seem like a good idea.
The door opened and Cassadee walked in. We actually didn’t notice her and continued to make out until she cleared her throat and Jack yelped and jumped away, blushing. I just laughed at his reaction.
“Hey Cass.” I greeted, not really caring if she had seen Jack and I. “What’re you doing here?”
“The bell rang...” She said, raising an eyebrow at me. “I can see you didn’t hear because you were having a little make out session with your boyfriend in here.”
“The bell rang? Well yes, I was enjoying my make out session with my hot boyfriend in here.” I grinned and Jack blushed deeper.
Some more kids came in. I kissed Jack quickly and when he pulled back, he hooked two fingers in my belt loops and held me against him by my hips. His eyes raked over my body, then he let me go and straightened my shirt. I grinned and did the same thing to him. I kissed him once more, letting my lips linger against his, before going to my seat grinning. Rian decided to sit next to me today. I gave him a look that said ‘Why the hell are you sitting there’.
“Calm your tits, Alex. Just wanted to sit up front today.” He said, shrugging.
“I’m not mad. I’m just confused. You hate me, why are you sitting next to me?”
“I don’t HATE you...”
“Yes you do.”
“Anyway, I just wanted to sit in the front today. I’m not up to anything.” He said, not denying the hate for me.
I just glanced at Jack, who was looking at me with the same skeptical expression about Rian. I just shrugged.
“Hey guys, I haven’t planned a lesson for today, have a free period.” Jack said from his desk, picking up his ringing phone. He didn’t go outside. “Hello?” He answered. He was silent for a while. “What? Why the hell would you do that?” He said, now going outside of the room, looking frustrated and upset at the same time.
I frowned, but got out my guitar and began to play Friday is Forever by We the Kings. Jack came back in after a few minutes and tossed his phone on the desk, then took two Advil. I finished the song and went up to his desk. “You okay?” I asked, worry shooting through me.
“No. My dad just called and said that my mom’s funeral has already occurred and they didn’t invite me. So I never got to see my mom get put to rest. Fuck. My. Life.”
“They seriously didn’t invite you? Why the hell not? You’re her fucking son! You get every right to see her put to rest!” I exclaimed.
“Apparently, ‘I would have been able to handle it’.” He said, making air quotes. “If I could handle it when I actually SAW her die, I could have handled being at her funeral!” He said loudly, attracting the attention of every student.
“What?” Danny asked.
Jack pinched the bridge of his nose. “Nothing. Just nothing.” He snapped.
“This isn’t nothing, Jack.” I murmured.
“What did Alex say?” Rian asked.
“Nothing! It doesn’t fucking matter!” Jack exclaimed.
“Jack, none of us are that much younger than you are. You can tell us what’s going on and I’m sure we’d understand.” Cass said gently.
Jack sighed. “I wasn’t invited to my mom’s funeral.” He muttered, looking down.
“Why not?” Danny asked.
“Because according to my dad, I wouldn’t be able to handle it.” He looked up.
“Well that’s dumb.”
“I know. So now I have to live with the fact that I never got to see her put to rest.” He sighed again and cast his eyes down.
I frowned and took his hand in mine as I sat in the spinny chair. “Cass babe, bring me my guitar.”
She got it for me and I began to sing Jimmy Eat World’s Hear You Me. I knew it was the perfect song for a death.
“There's no one in town I know.
You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.
What would you think of me now
So lucky, So strong, So proud?
I never said thank you for that,
Now I'll never have a chance...”
I sang the most of the song until Jack stopped me. “Seriously Alex, I don’t want to cry at school.” He said, smiling at me a little bit. I smiled sadly back.
“Jack, no one will judge you if you cry over something like this. Everyone else would do the same thing.” Zack said.
Jack just smiled sadly again and looked at his hands, which were in his lap. “Sing some more.” He said to me.
“Sad or happy?”
“Either.”
I sang Therapy. And Jack cried, silently and not a whole lot. Just a few tears. He clearly didn’t WANT to cry at school because he buried his face in my neck and loosely wrapped his arms around my torso as best he could when we were both sitting down. I rubbed his back and kissed his hair, not necessarily caring if anyone saw.
Rian was looking at us with a different expression than he usually does when Jack and I do something relationshippy. He almost looked like he thought we were cute together. Like he finally supported our relationship.
“This is so embarrassing.” Jack muttered, laughing breathily.
“Why? It’s not abnormal to cry over something like this.”
“It just is. You never see your teacher cry. Ever.”
“So? At least you aren’t forty or something and crying. That would be embarrassing.”
He grinned against my skin and pulled away from the hug. I was still confused over Rian’s expression. He was looking away now, but I frowned at him anyway. “What’s the matter?” Jack asked.
“I’ll tell you after school.” I muttered, tearing my gaze away from Rian and back to Jack. I smiled and the bell rang. I gave him a quick kiss and told him to not think about his mom. He agreed and kissed me again before I walked out.
Rian approached me on my way to my next class and I immediately took a step back. “Relax, Gaskarth. I’m not going to hurt you.” He said.
“So why are you here?” I asked.
“Um...” He looked around as to make sure no one was looking at us. “I wanted to apologize for being so mean about you and Jack’s relationship. I noticed how much you care about him today when he hugged you and I was actually almost jealous. Not of you, or of him, but of your relationship. I guess I always thought of you and him as a little fling, even after you guys had been dating for a while. But it’s more than that, you really love him. And he really loves you too.”
I smiled and looked back in Jack’s room to see him texting someone. I turned back to Rian. “Yeah, I really do love him. Glad you finally realized it’s something serious.”
“I actually need your help with something.” He said, biting his lip.
“Can we talk about this in history?” I asked. He nodded and we walked together to the room since we had the same period. I sat next to him instead of Cassadee. “So what do you need my help with?”
“I really want to date Cassadee.”
“No.” I said immediately.
“Alex, I didn’t mean it when I threatened her.”
“Yet you said it anyway. You scared the shit out of her! She came to my house the same night she stood you up and started crying when you texted her she’d regret it! Do you have any idea how screw out of dating her you are?”
“I know I made a mistake, but doesn’t everyone make mistakes?”
“Yes, but you told her you would RAPE her! And she has a boyfriend, Rian. She’s not single, you can’t date her anyway.”
“Please at least try to talk to her for me? I want a relationship with her like the one you have with Jack. Please please please please please?” He begged.
“You screwed yourself, dude. She’s taken and you scared her. You still scare her. Don’t you notice the panicked look her in eyes every time she sees you?”
“Can you at least tell me how I can regain her trust?”
“She never trusted you in the first place.”
“Fine, so can you tell me how I can make her not hate or be scared of me?”
I sighed. “I’ll talk to her. But I’m not making her break up with Caleb, I’m not forcing her to forgive you, and I sure as hell won’t set you guys up. This is the hole in the ground YOU dug and fell in to, not mine. You can find a way to fix this if you really want to.”
~~~
I went to Jack’s class after school like I always did. He was playing the guitar strings to Anything at All. I knew exactly which part he was at and began to sing along.
“And we’ve been here before, and I feel you can’t take much more...”
I smiled while I sang, leaning up against the wall with one foot flat against it and my hands in my pockets. Jack half smiled.
When we finished, he put the guitar to the side and I came and sat on his lap, leaning back against his chest as his arms went around my stomach. He kissed my neck before speaking. “What did you want to tell me?”
I remembered Rian. “Um... Rian supports our relationship.”
“What? Since when?”
“Since he realized that we weren’t just a little fling and that we were actually serious.”
Jack was quiet. “I thought we were just a little fling.” He said.
I froze and got off his lap. “What?”
“Sorry, I thought we both knew it wasn’t serious.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?!” I yelled, making him burst out in laughter. “Why the hell are you laughing?!”
“I’m kidding, Lex! I know we’re serious, I wouldn’t have told you I loved you if we weren’t.”
My jaw dropped. “Oh my god! I hate you!” I exclaimed, not meaning it and smacking his chest, then sitting back on his lap facing him. “You are such a bastard.” I growled, grabbing the collar of his shirt and forcing him to sit up so his face was closer to mine.
He audibly gulped, fear and lust in his eyes. “You are just the worst type of person.” I growled again, leaning even closer to him so that our lips were almost touching. I knew his heart was racing. “I am so fucking mad at you right now.” I whispered, my voice low and husky.
The lust in his eyes dominated the fear as I finally crushed our lips together roughly. He kissed me back immediately. I knew he was expecting it. My hands were still on the collar of his shirt, so I let go and slid them down so they were resting on his chest. His went up my shirt to rest on my stomach.
Our tongues were tangled when the door opened and I broke apart, groaning. “What the fuck do you want?” I asked unhappily, not looking to see who it was.
“You guys are so cute.” Cass chuckled.
I immediately felt bad. “Sorry babe, it’s the second time we’ve been interrupted. By you.”
“Sorry, but someone left a sweet note in my locker and it isn’t Caleb’s handwriting.” She said, handing me the note.
You’re gorgeous. <3
Rian’s handwriting. I grinned at his little attempt. “What did you feel when you saw it?”
“Um... Like they were really sweet and if I wasn’t dating Caleb I might date them?”
“I know who wrote it.”
“Who?”
“Sir Rian Dawson.”
Her jaw dropped and she tore the note into tiny pieces, then threw it on the ground. “I fucking hate him.”
I laughed. “He actually told me he wanted to have a relationship with you like Jack and I have.”
“What? Why? After he told me he’d rape me?”
“I don’t know why. But he said he didn’t actually mean it and he wants to date you for real. He’s trying to make a comeback in hope that you’ll forgive him. Give him a chance, Cass, he likes you. I know you have Caleb, but at least let him try to get you to forgive him.”
Her expression softened a little. “But he scares me.”
“I know baby, but he didn’t actually mean it. Give him a chance? For me?” I said, giving her the puppy look.
She sighed in defeat. “Damn you and those puppy eyes. Fine, I’ll give him a chance.”
“Yay!” I said happily, jumping up and giving her a kiss on the cheek.
“Alex, you are such a girl.” Jack laughed. I smacked his head.
“Shut UP, I know!” I complained. “This is what she’s done to me!”
“I can’t help but love it.” He grinned and kissed me. “And you.”
“I love you too.” I smiled and kissed him again.
“I’ve got to go catch up with Caleb, I’ll text you later Lex.” Cass said, exiting the room.
Jack and I stayed at the school until the principle came and kicked us out. We spent the rest of the day at Jack’s apartment, talking and laughing about stupid shit, watched a few movies, cuddled, and of course a few kisses.
~~~
(Four Days Later)
I flopped on my bed, worn out. It had been one of those days where nothing went right no matter what you did. Jack and I were in a little argument over my friendship with Cassadee, I got a D- on a chemistry test, Tom bitched me out for doing nothing around the house to help, the Anarbor concert I was going to get tickets for sold out, and I felt, once again, like I had no one in the world on my side.
Tears fell down my face and I thought of Coldplay. I grabbed my laptop and my guitar, started the video, and started to sing.
I posted my first singing video in over six months. I got comments and likes immediately. It didn’t make my day any better though.
Again, I felt tears run down my cheeks as I lay on my stomach on my bed with my arms sprawled out and I closed my eyes, taking deep, shaky breaths. I told myself I wouldn’t resort to cutting. I told myself that over and over and over and I finally believed myself. For once, I believed I wouldn’t cut myself.
My door opened and Tom came in. “Alex, I’m sorry for yelling at you.” He said gently.
“Can you just go? I’ve already have a shitty day and I really just want to be by myself.” I whimpered, trying to keep from stuttering with my throat closed up.
He sighed and left, closing the door behind him. My phone buzzed, but I didn’t look at it. I tried to go to sleep, even though it was only about 7:30pm. I kept taking deep breaths, each exhale coming out shaky as tears still streamed down my face, surely leaving stains.
I eventually fell asleep, my earphones in and playing every song ever written for bad days. I actually had a playlist titled ‘Songs for Bad Days’ because since life and I were enemies, bad days occurred often.
I thought about me and Jack’s fight. It was bad, especially since it was our first real fight.
I kissed Cass on the cheek, a little closer to her mouth than usual, on accident. When I turned back to Jack, he looked mad and jealous.
“What’s the matter?” I asked.
“You and Cassadee.”
I frowned. “What about me and Cassadee?”
“You guys are really, really close to just be best friends.”
“Are you saying that we shouldn’t be that close?”
“I’m just trying to say that maybe you should back up a little.”
“Are you jealous?”
“I just don’t like when my boyfriend, who has had PLENTY of girlfriends in the past, kisses a girl on the cheek.”
“Jack. Cass and I are friends. If you can’t handle how close we are, then that’s a problem.” I said, getting defensive.
He rolled his eyes. “Alex, I just don’t like when you show that much affection to a girl who is very pretty.”
“Are you kidding me? Cassadee and I are honestly just best friends.”
“All I want is for you to not show as much affection towards her.” Jack replied, his eyes cold and hard, not their usual happy.
I scoffed and crossed my arms. “I’m not going to. You’ve dealt with it this long, you can deal with it longer.”
“I don’t like when my boyfriend is so touchy feely with a girl he could potentially date.”
“You know what? Fine. You can deprive me of spending time with my best friend, but that means you and I? We’re through.” I threatened.
“Alex, you know neither of us want that. I don’t want you to be so lovey with her, that’s all.”
“Fine, Jack! You’ll get what you want! I won’t even go NEAR Cassadee if that’s what you really want! But if I can’t go near her, then I sure as hell won’t go near you either.” I said angrily, storming out of the classroom and speeding home.
Which brings me here. My phone buzzed again and I still ignored it. I tried to sleep, but I couldn’t. I was exhausted, but my mind wouldn’t stop. All I could think of was everything that had gone wrong and I finally broke the line from crying to sobbing.
What was wrong with me? Why was it so difficult for me to have an easy life? Why couldn’t I be carefree, not give a damn about anything?
I hated life and life hated me. We would be forever enemies.
I eventually fell asleep, still listening to my music and still sobbing.
~~~
I woke up and remembered yesterday. I sighed and looked at the time on my phone, noticing four texts and two calls from Jack. I ignored them. I did open the text from Cass.
Alex, I’m so so so sorry about this, but I think that we should spend some time apart. Things are just a little different now than they were and we shouldn’t be friends. I’m so sorry babe, I love you, I really do, but this can’t go on. I’m so sorry. Don’t even reply to this.
My heart stopped when I read the text and I broke down sobbing like last night. Jack got what he wanted. Cass was gone from my life. Tom was pissed at me. I wasn’t speaking to Jack. I had nobody.
I won’t cut, I told myself. I won’t. This isn’t worth cutting.
It was. It was worth cutting, but I still kept myself from going to that bathroom. I used every bit of will power in me and didn’t go in. I called the school saying I was sick. I sounded sick, what with my choked up throat and stuffy nose from all my crying, which hadn’t subsided.
I spent the entire day in my bed. Tom was spending the week with his friends at one of his friends cabin, so I was home alone. I locked myself out of the bathroom where we kept all our razors to resist the urge and threw the key out the window. Tom had an extra somewhere, but I didn’t know where. Probably good thing I didn’t.
Jack tried to text me and call me all day. I ignored it. Hearing his voice would remind me of the argument, which would remind me of Cass, which would remind me of her ditching me. Just seeing his name on my phone screen make me think of him.
After about the thirtieth text, I finally responded to him.
Please stop texting me, I’ve had a terrible few days and I need to be alone for a while.
I figured that would be fine for now. I got my laptop and went to Youtube, seeing comments on my Coldplay video wishing me luck with whatever was going on, saying they were thrilled I was back on, don’t stop again. No hate so far.
At about 5pm, the doorbell rang. I didn’t go get it, I looked like shit. I had tear stains all down my cheeks, I hadn’t gotten dressed, my hair looked like crap, my eyes were red and puffy, and I didn’t want to talk to anyone.
The doorbell rang again and I still ignored it. Until it rang a third time and I groaned, getting up out of the bed and dragging myself downstairs to open the door. I actually just threw it open and didn’t bother to see who it was before turning back around and going back upstairs to choke on my misery.
Someone came in my room just as more tears fell at the thought of Cassadee. “Alex.” Someone said. I didn’t recognize the voice, but it sounded familiar. I was on my stomach with my face in a pillow, tears soaking through the pillowcase.
“Who is it.” I mumbled.
“Zack.”
“What do you want.”
“I came to give you the homework for chemistry.”
“Just put it on the desk.” I said, blindly pointing in the direction of my desk. I heard him walk over and put whatever the homework was on the desk.
“Um... Are you okay?”
“No. Go away.”
“But-“
“Please just go away, Zack. I really just want to be alone right now, so please just get out.” I pleaded tiredly.
“Uh, okay... I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“Maybe. Bye.”
“Bye.”
I guessed he left and checked my phone, not really expecting anything. Although I had a text from Tom.
Are you actually going to clean the house for once while I’m gone?
So he was still pissed. Forever alone guy, right over here, going by the name of Alex Gaskarth, I thought to myself as I replied. Don’t bitch at me right now, it’s been a very shitty couple of days and you should be really fucking glad I locked myself out of the bathroom with all the razors.
I turned my phone off around 11:30pm and went to sleep. I decided to go to school tomorrow, but not sit in the front of the room like I usually did, but sit in the corner in the back.
So I could avoid Jack and Cassadee.
~~~
Like I told myself I would, I stayed away from the razors and went to school the next day. I didn’t meet Jack before class and I slipped in behind a group of kids in first period with me to get my little spot in the back corner.
I looked like SHIT. Utter shit. My hair looked terrible, I hadn’t even cared about my outfit today, my eyes were still a little red and slightly puffy. Jack started to take roll and since I wasn’t in my regular seat, he had to call out my name.
“Alex, you here?”
“Here.” I mumbled just loud enough so he could hear me.
“Would you know whether your boyfriend was here or not?” Jasey sneered.
“Jasey, I am not in the fucking mood today to hear your bullshit, so shut the fuck up for once.” Jack snapped. “Just take a free period.” He sighed, going to his desk and texting someone. At that moment, my phone buzzed. I rolled my eyes and turned it off. I got my guitar out and played Parachute’s She is Love. I sang it because of Cass and I mostly sang to myself, though a few people in my general area listened.
“What was that for, Lex? You look upset.” Rian said.
“I am upset but there isn’t anything you can do to change it, so it really doesn’t matter why I sang it.”
He didn’t reply and I didn’t want him to. I played mostly sadder songs, ending with Therapy. My favorite sad song.
Cass didn’t look at me the entire period. She looked like she wasn’t upset about ending things with me, but I knew her better than that. I didn’t know how upset me was, but it was there. As for Jack, he just watched me with a pained yet annoyed look for the whole period.
I wanted to skip the rest of the day. I couldn’t though. I dragged myself through the school hours before going to my locker at the end of the day to get my things and finding a note.
Alex, I’m so sorry about what I did, but I had to. It couldn’t keep going and we both know it. We had to move on from each other eventually, we wouldn’t be best friends forever. –C
My eyes filled with tears at the thought of Cassadee and I tore up the note, pushing it through the slots of her locker before grabbing my iPod and leaving the school as quickly as possible.
Well, tried to leave the school.
My goddamn shitty car wouldn’t start. I turned the key a bazillion times and the engine would begin to start, then die out. “Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.” I cursed, turning it a few more times before giving up and getting my most important things from the back and starting the walk home.
I was on the side of the road when someone pulled up next to me. “Alex, you need a ride?” Rian asked through the rolled down window.
“Um, yeah actually, that’d be great.” I said, getting in the front seat. “Thanks.”
“How come you aren’t driving?” He asked.
“My car is retarded and wouldn’t start on today of all days.”
“Why didn’t you get Jack to drive you home.”
“Don’t talk about Jack.” I said harshly.
“Um, okay... Sorry...”
I sighed. “No, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap.”
“Everything okay?”
“No. Nothing is ever ‘okay’ with me, in case you haven’t noticed.”
We reached my house and I went to unbuckle my seatbelt and get out, then stopped myself. “Do you want to come in for a while? Just to hang out? As a thanks for driving me home?” I asked.
“Sure, why not?” He smiled and got out with me. We walked in my house and went to the kitchen to find something to eat. After doing so, we sat on the couch and watched The Kardashians (his favorite show, god knows why) and talked. Turns out we had the same taste in music, he just wasn’t brave enough to express the love for music he had.
“You know, I was fucking terrified to express my taste in music. And rightfully so, people still sometimes tease me for wearing an AVP shirt or something.” I said. We were still watching the Kardashians, since it was a marathon and Rian had gotten me hooked.
“Well at leave you still went through with it. I’m almost jealous of how you still do something, even if you’re terrified out of your mind by it.” He smiled softly at me.
I smiled back, finally feeling like I had a new friend.
Maybe I wasn’t so alone after all.
@TotalBandWh0re @JalexInNeverland @TheJalexWhisperer hey guys idk of you knew this, bus Melissa (the author of this story hasn't been able to access this account in a looooong time but it is finished and their are 4 more sequel's to this and neither of them die sorrynotsorry but here's the link to where its finished Hes Adorable As Hell and its totally worth reading :3
6/1/14