Chapter 10

Alex’s POV

Why hadn’t I just fucking asked him? I asked myself for the forty-thousandth time today. I mentally kicked myself for being so wimpy.

I was in English, tuning Jack out. Not on purpose, just because he himself was on my mind. I was thinking about him, just not what he was teaching.

The way he grinned whenever a student asked a good question, the way he was dying to wink at me every time he caught my gaze, even the way he walked made me wanting more, more of everything about him. I wanted to date him, I wanted to be able to call him my boyfriend shamelessly. I wanted to go out to dinner with him just because, I wanted to have sweet sex with him, not necessarily sexy. Although that would be just fine too... But I wanted just to be with him. Not as a friend with benefits. As a boyfriend. I don’t know what sexuality I was. I didn’t find girls sexy anymore, but no other guys caught my attention. In any way.

But I was just too damn chicken to ask him to be official.

~~~
Jack’s POV

Alex obviously had something on his mind other than English. He looked right through the board, eyes blank. He was over-thinking something. I was dying to know.

After the lesson, he sang some This Century, Sound of Fire and Young and Useless. God, I wished I could sing. The songs didn’t seem to have any sort of meaning at the moment, unless he sang Sound of Fire for me. It’s a possibility.

I called him up to my desk after class. “What’s on your mind?”

“I-Um... I... I’ll talk to you after school, okay?” He said nervously. Before I could stop him, he ran from the room.

What could he be so nervous about? This definitely wasn’t like him. I tried to brush it off enough to teach my other classes.

He was still nervous when he came by my room after class. He was all jittery and stuttering. “H-Hey Jay.” He said as he sat down.

“What’s the deal? You have something on your mind and I want to know what it is.”

“I-Um... W- Uh... I wa- Never mind.” He stammered.

“No, not never mind. Tell me.” I said, laying my hand on top of his. He pulled it away like he had been electrified. “Do you not want to be friends with benefits anymore?”

His eyes widened. “N-No, I do, it’s just... It’s nothing, Jay. I-It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes it does, Alex. What is on your mind?”

~~~
Alex’s POV

My heart was racing. I had never been this nervous in my life. I couldn’t just SAY it, he was so oblivious. I was trying to convince him it was nothing and he wasn’t believing me!

“I- Um... I-It’s really nothing, Jay.”

“Yes it is too something. Spit it out.” He demanded.

“I-I can’t.”

“Yes you can.”

“W-Will- I- Um... Do- Shit- Do- Wi...” Fuck, can I just talk normally?

“For fuck’s sake, Lex, just say it!” He said, getting impatient.

I freaked out and ran from the room, going to my car and driving back home, bursting into Tom’s room, almost crying.

“Geez Lex, what’s the matter?” He asked.

“IalmostaskedJacktobemyboyfriendbutIfreakedoutandhewaspressuringmetosayitbecausehewanted toknowwhatwasmakingmesonervousandsoIranandnowI’mhere.” I breathed quickly.

“What? Repeat it, I didn’t get any of that but Jack.”

“I almost asked Jack to be my boyfriend but I freaked out and he was pressuring me to say it because he wanted to know what was making me so nervous so I ran and now I’m here.” I said slower.

“Why didn’t you just say it?”

“I don’t know! I got really nervous! More nervous than I’ve ever been!” I groaned.

“Well since you ran, he knows something’s wrong.”

“I know!”

“Why are you so upset over this?”

“Because I was so close to asking him and I chickened out and ran and now he’s going to come and find me and force it out of me!”

“There’s no need to cry over it, though. I know you were nervous and such, but still, I mean come on. You fucked the man. You should be able to ask him out.”

“I’m not asking him OUT, I’m asking him to be my official boyfriend and that’s fucking terrifying!”

“So sit down and take deep breaths.” He instructed. I inhaled deeply and nodded, sitting in his beanbag chair and closing my eyes, inhaling and exhaling slowly.

“This isn’t helping.” I said.

“Come on Lex, it couldn’t have been THAT bad.”

“It was.”

The doorbell rang and my eyes flew open. “Open the door and if it’s Jack, I am NOT here. Okay?”

“You are so stupid sometimes.” He sighed and got up to answer the door. I could hear him talking to Jack.

“Sorry, Alex isn’t here. Why? Is he not with you?”

“No, he ran out on me. I guess I’ll try somewhere else, thanks though.”

The door shut and Tom came back upstairs. “You are so lucky I’m a good liar.”

“Thank you.” I sighed.

“You’re welcome. Go to your room and sleep or something, get your mind off of this.”

I smiled and went to my room, laying on my bed with my earphones in until I fell asleep.

~~~
Jack’s POV

“He just ran out of the room!” I said to Matt.

“Why?”

“I don’t know! I was trying to get him to tell me why he was so nervous and he completely flipped and ran!”

"Okay, do you have any idea whatsoever why he was acting so weird?"

"No! He was fine and his usual self until he said he had to ask me a question. He clearly chickened out and said he already knew it, saying he wanted know to birthday. But he was really distant and zoning out for the entire period and after school I tried to get him to talk but he just left."

"Did you try his house?"

"Yeah. His brother said he wasn't there, but his car was. Maybe he went for a walk or something, but I'm trying again later."

"Dude. His brother obviously lied. Go back right now and demand that you see him and that it's important."

I sighed and drove back to Alex's house, knocking on the door. Tom answered again. "Hey jack."

"Let me see Alex."

"He's asleep."

"Let me see him."

"Fine, but he'll be pissed if you wake him up." He shrugged and let me in. I ran up to his room and sure enough, he was sleeping. I shook him awake and I guess I made him nervous again because he jumped and fell off the bed, landing on his butt on the ground and looking up at me. "H-hey jay." He said.

"Get up and tell me why you are so nervous." I ordered. He got back up on the bed and crawled under the covers.

"I-I'm not."

"Yes you are. What is on your mind?"

"I-um... I can't- noth-do... Wi- I-um..." He stammered, his nerves going crazy.

"For fucks sake Alex just SAY it!"

"I can't!"

"I know for a fact you can. Now spit it out."

"Will... Do- I want- I can't say it!"

"Do I really need to ask Tom about this? I'm sure you told him."

"No! Don't ask him."

"So then tell me." I was getting impatient. What was such a big deal that he was this strange around me?

"No jack. I can't say it.

"I'm not going to judge you, if that's what you're worried about."

"That's not it, I'm worried about your answer."

"Answer to WHAT?"

"Nothing." He said quickly.

"Fine. TOM!!!"

"Jack!" Alex exclaimed, angry with me now.

"Alex, I'm getting this out of someone and since it won't be you, it'll be your brother."

Tom came in. "What?"

"Tell me what Alex has to say."

I could see Alex shaking his head, a scared and wild look in his eyes. "I don't think I should." Tom said carefully.

"Oh my fucking god, one of you say it!" I said.

"No!" Alex exclaimed, tears welling in his eyes.

"I shouldn't even be a part of this." Tom said before walking away. I turned back to Alex, who had a tear running down his cheek.

"Alex, you are making me so frustrated right now. Just. Tell. Me."

"I can't." He whispered.

"Yes you can."

Another tear fell and he didn't say anything. I scoffed. "You know what? Fine. You don't want to tell me, that's fine. But don't expect to come to me of you need help with any of your problems." I spat before leaving and slamming the front door behind me.

I got in my car and realized what i had done. I just told my best friend to leave me alone. What was I thinking. I laid my head on the steering wheel and let tears fall.

Fml.

---
Alex's POV

Tom came in my room to see me crying my eyes out. "Fuck, what happened?"

"Jack said not to come to him if I had any problems because he wouldn't be there for me." I sobbed. "Just because I was too fucking retarded to ask him to be my boyfriend."

Tom got mad and left. I lay there and continued to cry. I heard the front door slam again as he left.

---
Toms POV

I stormed out to jacks car and got in the passenger seat. He had his head on the steering wheel and was crying.

"Jack, look at me. We need to talk." I demanded. He looked at me. "You seriously have no idea what you just did to Alex. He is up there sobbing because of what you said. All because he couldn't say the one thing he so desperately wanted to."

"What did he want to say?"

"That's for him to ask you. Not my job. The point is, the poor boy is breaking down up there because his best fucking friend basically told him to fuck off. Nice going, jackass."

Another tear fell from his eye. "I-I didn't mean it."

"Well, Alex assumes the worst. Always. You had better fucking fix this because who knows, he could be up there in the bathroom with a razor in his wrist because of you."

"Fuck." He gasped and ran back in the house, me hot on his heels. He burst in Alex's room and he wasn't there. The bathroom door was shut.

"SHIT!" I yelled and knocked on the door furiously.

"W-what?" I heard Alex sniffle from the other side.

"Wtf are you doing in there?"

"I was going to take a shower, but if that's a problem..."

I let out a breath of relief. "I swear to god if there is one cut on you when I examine you afterwards, you are going to therapy."

"Okay." He whispered, voice cracking. I turned back to jack.

"All he had was a simple question. He was just nervous to ask it. You made it so much worse by pressuring him and now he's breaking down. Nice fucking job." I spat

"You think I don't regret what I said? Because I do. Alex is the best person I've ever met. I hate hurting him."

"Well, you did."

"I know." He whispered as another tear fell.

We sat in silence for fifteen minutes before Alex came out and i shoved jack out so I could look him over for cuts.

"Towel. Off." I demanded. He rolled his eyes and took the towel from around his waist off. None on his wrists, thighs, or hips. I almost everywhere, except for where he obvious to wouldn't cut without dying of pain. "Okay." I made alex put on some clothes. "Jack, come back in."

"No!" Alex protested. Jack walked back in.

"Alex, you are going to ask him right fucking now."

"No! He not going to agree!"

"You don't know that!"

"What will I not agree to, Alex?" Jack asked softly.

"Nothing."

Jack looked at me pleadingly.

"Alex. Stop overreacting. It will be fine." I murmured gently

"No it won't." He said back, tears in his eyes.

"Yes it will baby, now just ask him."

"Ask me what?" Jack asked.

"If you'll be my boyfriend." Alex whispered. Jacks eyes went wide.

"I- I'm sorry Alex, I can't." He said before running out and driving away.

Alex broke down and fell in my arms, sobbing as hard as possible into my shoulder. I hadn't expected jack to say no. This was a disaster.

"Shhhh, Alex it's okay."

"No it's not, I love him and he just turned me down!"

"You love him?"

He nodded. I tightened my embrace on him. "It's okay, Alex. He loves you too, he's just confused."

"No he doesn't! He fucking rejected me, he doesn't love me!" He sobbed ever harder and all i could do was hush him and rub his back. "I'm not going to school tomorrow." He mumbled.

"Okay." I whispered, figuring that was reasonable. I made him lay on the bed and go to sleep. I would go and bitch jack out, but i didn't know where he lived and i couldn't trust Alex alone in a house with razors in the bathroom just waiting for him to use on his wrists or hips or thighs.

So I lay in bed with him and decided to bitch him out tomorrow when he was in class to embarrass him in front of his students. Perfect.

Alex and I lay there until we both fell asleep. Alex fell asleep still crying hard.

In the morning, I called the school and said he was sick again. Then i collected all the sharp objects and other suicidal things from the house and went to the school, storming into jacks first period.

"Jack Barakat." I growled.

"Tom?"

"How the hell do you think you made him feel? He fucking LOVES you and you just broke his heart and now you're acting like nothing happened!" I yelled.

"I'm sorry!" He shouted back. "I didn't want to hurt him!"

"Well you fucking did! He cried all fucking night because or you and I'm scared out of my mind he found something to hurt himself with although I tried to get everything. This is all your fucking fault!"

He has completely forgotten his confused students. "I'm sorry, tom! I honestly didn't know that's what he was going to ask!"

"My god, you're so stupid sometimes! The poor boy hasn't been okay in so fucking long and you finally helped him and now he's fucking heartbroken! You were his BEST FUCKING FRIEND! His friend with benefits, even though it was something more. You made him fall for you and you just shot him down. How on earth you think he feels right now?" I yelled, ready to fucking punch him or something.

He was silent. "I'm sorry."

"Try telling that to him." I spat. "Oh and have fun explaining this to your students, jackass." I said before storming away and speeding back home. Alex was still asleep. Good, he couldn't have hurt himself.

I let him sleep in. He deserved it.

---
Jacks POV

"What the hell was that about?" Someone asked.

"None of your business." I said, trying not to cry.

"Jack, that was Alex's brother. Why was he here?" Cass asked."

"It doesn't matter, cassadee. Everyone go back to work." I demanded and went back to my desk and put my head in my hands.

I couldn't be Alex's boyfriend. I liked friends with benefits. And now i had nothing with him. Not even friendship.

I couldn't be his boyfriend for two reasons. 1, I didn't want to be his boyfriend, and 2, I didn't love him back. I liked him, certainly, but not love. I wouldn't be able to return the feeling.

A group of kids came up. "Why was Alex's brother here?" One asked.

"Oh my god, please just sit down. This is MY personal life. Not yours." I said tiredly. "I'm sorry for being mean, but please go away."

They all sat down and began murmuring. "Guys, don't tell your friends about this. Please don't. This is my personal life and i don't need it getting out." I pleaded.

"Okay." People said, agreeing.

"And I swear to god, of any of you say anything, you get an f for the trimester." I threatened. I wasn't kidding.

More murmurs of agreement. I was almost glad Alex wasn't here today. So I didn't have to face him. I know he would be so depressed. The phone rang a minute later and I answered it.

"Mr. Barakat, we would just like to inform you that Alex Gaskarth will no longer be in your English class. He has requested a schedule change." The secretary's voice came through the phone.

My heart sank. "Okay." I said quietly and hung up.

What had I done?

---
Toms POV

Alex woke up at about ten. "You aren't in jacks class anymore." I told him.

"Thank you." He whispered, tears filling his eyes. I pulled him into me and hugged him tightly. He hugged back and broke down into sobs in my chest. “I-I already miss him.” He whimpered.

“I know babe. Why don’t you call over Cassadee and tell her everything?”

“No. She’s not good enough. No one is. Now I’ve only got my guitar and you and that’s the way it’s going to stay because J-Jack doesn’t g-give a shit about me.”

“Yes he does. I went and bitched him out in front of all his first period students this morning and he said he was sorry and didn’t want to hurt you. I made sure he knew he did anyway. And no, I didn’t use your name.”

“Th-Thank you.” He whispered again. He pulled back and went back upstairs. I heard him start playing Hear You Me by Jimmy Eat World, the ultimate sad song. That poor boy was so broken. I guess I’ll just leave him be for a while.

~~~
Jack’s POV

After school, I drove straight to my apartment and fell on my bed. I didn’t know whether I wanted to cry or what, but I was upset. Matt came in.

“Dude, what happened with Alex?”

I hadn’t told him last night. “He wanted to be my boyfriend and I turned him down and he loved me and I just broke his heart.”

“Oh, nice going, Jack! The poor boy had enough problems in his life already without you adding a broken heart to the equation!”

“You think I don’t know that? His brother came and bitched me out in front of all my first period students this morning, I’m sure on purpose, and god, I feel so bad! But I don’t want to be his boyfriend! And he switched classes.”

“Jack. You love him. I know you do. I’ve seen you two together. You had better fucking fix this because you have no clue what he’s doing right now. He could be drowning in his bathtub with his stomach full of various pills because of you. Go. Fix. This.” He demanded, pointing to the door.

“No! Alex is so broken right now, I’d just break him more. I don’t LOVE him. You know how I am about love, Matt. You know exactly how it ended last time. I didn’t let myself fall in love with Alex.”

“But you’re the one who made him fall in love with you. And now you’ve broken his heart and it’s your job to fix it, not Tom’s.”

I sighed. I know he was right. I had to fix Alex, but I had no idea how I was going to get to him. Tom wouldn’t let me see him, I know that, he wasn’t in my class anymore, I have his number but he wouldn’t pick up...

I just groaned and drove to his house, knocking on the door. Tom opened up and his eyes flashed from sadness to pure anger. “You get the hell away from my house.” He growled.

“I want to see Alex.”

“Absolutely not. If you don’t love him, don’t cause him any more pain.”

“Please, I just want to talk to him.”

“No. You have done ENOUGH, Jack Barakat. Alex is heartbroken for the first time in his life and it’s all your fault. I’m sure you know the feeling, Alex told me all about Holly. If you were heartbroken after something that was just a relationship, imagine being best friends, then best friends with benefits. He has been crying almost all fucking day and now that he’s finally asleep, you need to stay the FUCK away from him.” He snarled.

I bit my lip. “I’m sorry. I know I hurt him and trust me, that’s the last thing I wanted to do-“

“-Well that’s what you did. Great fucking job, Barakat, now get the hell away from my house and Alex.” He said before slamming and locking the door in my face.

Great.

Notes

Sorry for spelling mistakes, I typed part of this on my phone. Comments please! You guys are fucking amazing.