He's Adorable as Hell
I Carry On
Chapter 1
Jack’s POV
“You’re going to want to watch out for Alex Gaskarth.” The woman said to me. I was sitting in my old high school principle office. I was going to start teaching there.
“Wait, Gaskarth? Does he have a brother?”
“Tom. Do you know him?”
“Yeah, we went to school together. We Never talked, but he was a problem. Not very nice to anyone, including adults.”
The woman laughed. “Well, Alex follows in his footsteps.”
I rolled my eyes. “Great... Well, thank you for all the information. Have a great day.” I said as I stood up.
“Good luck, Mr. Barakat.”
I left to room and went to my old English classroom, the one I was now teaching in.
It needed... spiffing up. Some posters of music quotes, my electric guitar on the wall. Like my room as a teenager. I put up Blink 182 quotes all around the room, along with We the Kings and Artist vs Poet. I hung my neon green electric guitar behind me and my acoustic next to the door.
As students filed in, I gave instructions. “I don’t give seating charts, sit wherever.”
They all grinned and started murmuring. I heard some girls whispering, “He’s REALLY hot, oh my god.”
I chuckled to myself and leaned against the edge of my desk. A group of boys walked in, all laughing bitterly. I immediately spotted Gaskarth. He and his friends sat in the back of the room.
“Okay.” I said as the bell rang. “I’m Mr. Barakat, but you can call me Jack, Jay, Barakat, Mr. B, B, but I don’t tolerate Barakitten because it sounds like a pornstar name.”
The entire class laughed. “Here’s how things work. You are allowed to eat, but not if anyone in here has allergies. Any allergies?”
No one raised their hand. “Great. Eat whatever, whenever, just clean up your mess afterwards. You are allowed to cuss. I cuss, so you can too. Gum is welcome as long as you don’t stick it anywhere but the trash can when you’re done with it. Don’t take it to your next class. If we all have finished the classwork- I hardly give homework- and I have nothing else planned, you can do anything you like. Play your instrument if you want, talk with your friends. But don’t leave class. And no alcohol, but I accept water and anything else. And absolutely no drugs.”
“Does that mean I’m allowed to fuck some bitch in my free time?” I heard a familiar voice call.
I laughed. “No, no fucking bitches in my class. Sorry.”
“Damn it!”
“I take it you’re Alex Gaskarth.” I smirked. He frowned.
“How did you know that?”
“I went to school with your brother. And I was warned about you.”
He raised an eyebrow but didn’t respond. I just smiled and passed out the grammar worksheet. Alex pulled out a bag of pretzels and handed his friend one. At least he shares. I handed him his worksheet and snagged a pretzel.
“Dude!” He said.
“Yes?”
“You just took my pretzel!”
“And?”
“And-,” He didn’t know what to say. “And that’s not nice!”
I laughed. “Tough luck, Gayskank.”
His jaw dropped, then he closed his mouth and narrowed his eyes. “I’m not gay.”
“You’re skinny jeans suggest otherwise.”
He looked down and then back at me, glaring. “Watch it, Baraslut.”
I laughed again. “So immature.”
He didn’t reply, just looked at his friend like, ‘Is this guy insane or what?’.
Everyone finished the worksheet, even Alex. “Alright, free time. Go ahead.” I announced.
Alex took out his guitar and sat on top of his desk. Everyone looked at his expectantly. “Sing Alex!” Some slutty bottle blonde shrilled. Alex grinned and winked at her.
“Sure thing, gorgeous. What should I sing?”
“The Irony of Choking on a Lifesaver.” Someone commented.
Alex chuckled and started to play. “Stop fucking around with my emotions, I like you better when you’re numb...”
Well fuck. He could sing. And he could sing really fucking good. People joined in with backup vocals and everyone was clapping along to the beat.
He grinned the whole song, tapping his foot until the last chord. Everyone clapped. I clapped slowly and loud, getting his attention.
“Good job Gayskank, you’ve got a good voice.” I commented.
“Thanks Baraslut.” He sneered. I smiled at his cockiness. “What now?”
“Halfway, Parachute!” A kid- Josh Franceschi-called.
Alex pointed to him. “I like your taste.”
Josh beamed at getting attention from the guy who was clearly the most popular boy in the school. The slutty blonde was rubbing his thigh, pretty high up too. I didn’t tolerate that.
I stood up and walked over, removing her hand and walking back. Alex was looking at me with a pissed off expression, but his eyes screamed thankfulness.
“Well I know just what it is you want the way you love and get enough and then you move on
You play the game of who you need and learn his name and walk away to find the next one
You say the things your looking for look past me and door to door
But darling did you think I wouldn't know
I might not be what you want
I'm gonna be your halfway
I might not be what you need
But I'm gonna be the way
I'm never gonna be the thing you want
But I'm gonna be your halfway
I might not be what you need
I'm gonna be your halfway..."
“Very nice Gayskank, very nice.” I commented once he had finished, running my fingers through my dark hair.
“Hmmm.” He just hummed in response. That girl was trying to seduce him again.
“Jasey, hands off!” I barked.
She rolled her eyes and slowly let her hand drag off Alex’s thigh, taking her sweet time.
So Alex was hot. But I was honestly straight. Guys know other guys are hot and they can be straight. Alex was just... Something. His long messy brown hair with blondish highlights in it was disheveled in an organized way and his caramel eyes seemed to go on forever. He was around my height, a little shorter. Something about his cheekbones was really... Attractive, I guess?
So yeah, Alex was hot.
~~~
Alex’s POV
“My English teacher is SUCH a douche!” I complained to my friend Vinny. “He’s such a cocky asshole! A fucking bastard!”
Some slut was sitting next to me, running a finger up and down my chest, attempting to turn me on. Not gonna work sweetheart, sorry about that. I’ve been obsessing with the gorgeous celebrity Tay Jardine.
“How so?”
“Ugh! He’s an amazing TEACHER, he lets us eat and cuss and play music in our free time.”
“So why is he a cocky asshole and a bastard?”
“Because! I was just sitting there eating my pretzels and he just TAKES one, so I’m like, ‘Dude!’ and he’s all like, ‘Yes?’ like he did nothing wrong, and so I’m just like, ‘You just took my pretzel!’, and then he said, ‘And?’ and I’m just like, fuck, how to I respond to that, so I was just like, ‘And that’s not nice!’. And he just laughed and said ‘Tough luck, Gayskank,’ so I’m like ‘I’m not gay.’ And he’s like, ‘Your skinny jeans suggest otherwise.’ I’m just sitting there like who the fuck do you think you are? But I’m just like, ‘Watch it, Baraslut.’ And he called me immature!” I exclaimed.
“Dude, I want to meet him. If he’s so cocky you don’t have a good comeback, he’s awesome.”
I punched his arm. “You’re supposed to be on my side!”
“Ooooh Alex, I know you aren’t gay baby, he sounds like a douche.” The girl next to me-Sharrie? Sharon? Sally?- cooed.
I didn’t acknowledge her. “I fucking hate him!”
“He sounds like a cool guy.” Vinny shrugged.
I scoffed and left. I walked through the empty halls and went to my lockers. I was unlocking it when someone walked by and pinched my side, making me squeal and turn around to see Baraslut walking down the hall away from me, grinning.
“Fuck you, Baraslut!” I shouted. He just flipped me off. My jaw dropped. No one had even been this... Direct with me. Everyone looked up to me, did what I did. Baraslut was different. He teased me, but in a joking way.
I loved to hate it.
~~~
The final bell rang and we all filed from the class. I walked straight to Jack’s room and silently opened the door and shut it without a sound. He was sitting in his spinny chair with his feet on his desk and an acoustic guitar in his lap. It sounded like he was trying to find the chords to The Irony of Choking on a Lifesaver.
He played a string of it, hitting one wrong chord. He changed it and retried, still getting it wrong.
“F major.” I said.
He spun around and saw me standing there. “Hey Alex.” He said, looking back at his fingers on the chords, then set the guitar down. “What’cha need?”
I had to say, the one thing I liked about Jack was that he acted my age. He didn’t dress like a teacher, he wore skinny jeans and a band shirt. He didn’t talk to me like I was a kid. Why was I here? “I heard you playing and thought I’d come to see if you were any good.”
“I’m not.” He laughed.
“No, you are. Pretty impressive you can get that much of a song just by listening.”
He shrugged. “Eh, I guess. How long have you played?”
“Freshman year. You?”
“Same. Damn, you’ve played for four years and I’ve played for nine and you’re still better than me.” He grinned.
“You’re only 21?”
“Yep.”
“You’re barely legal to drink!” I exclaimed.
“And?”
“And you’re already a teacher?”
“Evidently.” He gestured towards the classroom and I finally noticed all the quotes.
“No way, you like AVP, WTK, and Blink?” I said, surprised.
“Fuck yeah, dude they rock.”
“Yeah man, they’re the best.”
“Have you heard AVP’s new acoustic album?” He asked, grinning.
“Oh my god, it’s amazing.”
“I know! You don’t seem like the type to like AVP and WTK.”
I glanced at him. “You don’t know shit about me, Baraslut.”
“Maybe not, but that’s going to change. Right now. Tell me about yourself.” He said, pointing to the other spinny chair. I sat down and put my feet up on the desk.
“What’dya want to know?”
“Are you actually the cocky bastard you claim to be?”
I sighed. “No.”
“Then what are you?” He asked, suddenly curious.
“A band nerd who’d rather be helping people stop self harming than be in school learning math I’ll never use in real life. Who the hell buys 60 watermelons?”
He laughed. “So if you’re a band nerd, why are you acting like you do?”
I sighed again.
~~~
Jack’s POV
“Because I can’t ruin my reputation. I’d much rather come to school in a band shirt and sweatpants than whatever this shit is.” He gestured towards his outfit.
“Why don’t you then?”
“What?”
“Why don’t you come to school wearing whatever you want? Act how you want to act? Be who you want to be?” I reasoned.
“It’s not that easy, Barakat.” What happened to slut?
“Why not?”
“Because if I did that, I’d lose all my friends. There’s no one at this school who understands my love for music. It’s sort of saved me. I can connect with the band members even if I’ve never met them. The excitement of waiting for a new album, the freaking out over getting to go to a concert, being a diehard fan, no one gets it. Music has just always been my escape from the shitty world; It’s saved me.” He sighed and closed his eyes, leaning his head back.
“What do you mean it’s ‘saved you’?” I asked, confused.
“Shit.” He muttered. “I can’t believe I’m telling you this, but I’ve thought about suicide a lot.”
“What? Why?” I asked, suddenly a little scared. He sighed again.
“Because no one GETS me. The real me. The band nerd, the one who wants to help other people instead of tease them to their face and behind their back. It makes me feel like a bad person, partly because I am one.”
“Alex, you are not a bad person. You’re just confused. Okay?”
He looked me right in the eyes. “Okay.” He smiled and checked his phone, then groaned and threw his head back again.
“What?”
“Every fucking day I get like forty texts from sluts and people who think I’m their friend!” He said unhappily and looked back at it, frowning.
I took it from his hands and cleared all the texts. “Fuck them.”
He grinned. “Why?”
“If they can’t except you for the band nerd who wants to help others, than they aren’t good enough for you.” I said.
“I should probably go, it’s a little late.” He said, standing up.
“Later Alex.”
He didn’t respond, but on his way out he turned around. “Thanks Jack.” He smiled and walked away.
That was the first time he used my first name.
~~~
(The next day)
First period started filing in the classroom and sitting down, all mumbling things with either annoyed, happy, or sad and worried.
Alex wasn’t here today when I took role. “Anyone know where Gaskarth is?”
“He’s in the hospital!” Someone called. I look up from the role sheet.
“Why?”
“I don’t know, but he is.”
“Okay, anyone know where Merrick is?”
“He’s sick!” The same kid said.
“Okay, thanks.” I marked them down and started the class.
It was strange without Alex. Everyone just seemed sort of lost, like he was their leader and without him, they had no clue what to do. They were all mumbling throughout class. “Guys. I know you’re all worried about Alex, but pay attention up here.” I said.
They turned their heads and every student was looking at me. Well, I thought, That was effective. Finally, the bell rang and they all filed out of the room, muttering things about Alex. I caught snippets of it.
“I heard it was fatal.”
“I hope he’s okay.”
“That asshole deserves whatever he got.”
“I heard that he attempted suicide.”
The last one made my stomach drop. Fuck. He said he thought about suicide a lot, but I thought music had helped him through that! I decided to not teach during my next class and just socialize with the students.
They all walked in, each of them saying something about Alex. “Guys, sit down, I’m not teaching today. We need to socialize some.”
They looked at each other and sat down. “Alright. Dawson, start with you. Tell me your first name, last name, favorite hobby, and your favorite thing about English.”
“Rian Dawson, playing drums, and that I get to eat in class.” He replied. I laughed.
“Alright, next.”
We went through every person. I got a few slutty girls saying their favorite thing about English was that I’m hot, so I got a laugh out of that.
“Okay, great. What’s everyone been talking about today? All my classes come in with a certain unhappy face on and are talking about something with their friend and now I’m curious.”
A girl named Kayla raised her hand. I pointed to her. “Alex Gaskarth is in the hospital.”
“Why?”
“I’m don’t know, I’ve heard a lot of things. He was in a car accident, he had abusive parents who went too far, he attempted suicide, he choked on something... A lot of things.”
“Has anyone heard from him?”
Vinny raised his hand. “He sent me a text yesterday saying, ‘Help’, but I didn’t know what it meant, so I didn’t do anything. I think I probably should’ve.”
My eyes widened. “Woah woah woah, Vinny, if someone texts you help, drop everything and go fucking help them!”
“Next time I will. There’s a video on YouTube, something about him stopping the singing videos because of things being too much, something like that.”
I shook my head in disbelief he hadn’t gone and helped him. “Does anyone know for sure why he’s in the hospital?”
They shook their heads. “I know he was rushed to the ER for whatever it was.” Someone said.
My stomach dropped again. “O-Okay, well, let’s all hope he get’s better, yeah? You can have some free time.” I said. They looked at each other and started mumbling.
I just walked back to my desk. I almost felt sick. After what Alex had told me yesterday, I was afraid of what he might have done. I ran my fingers through my raven locks of hair and sighed. Why did I even care so much? Yeah, Alex had opened up to me a lot yesterday, but that didn’t mean we were officially friends. He was a nice kid underneath. When he was the douche he was on the surface, for some reason, I loved the way he got me so fired up. He knew how to press my buttons and it thrilled me. But the kid underneath was so very different. I liked him better. He wasn’t confident and a cocky bastard, he was an insecure scared teenager.
I let the rest of the classes to a worksheet on the lesson first period had learned after briefly teaching it.
Last period came to an end and everyone walked from the room talking about Alex. I took down my guitar and started playing some AVP. I half expected Alex to come in after school, but he didn’t. I don’t know why I had thought he would if he was in the ER.
So I just went back to my apartment to Matt, my roommate. “Hey Flyzik.” I greeted as I walked in.
“Hey Jay, how are ya?”
“Alright. One of my students is in the hospital.”
“Uh oh, why? Who?”
“Alex Gaskarth. I’ve got no idea why. There’s rumors going around about what happened and he texted his friend Vinny ‘Help’ yesterday, but the dumbass didn’t do anything.”
“Is he hot?”
“Matt! I’m not gay! Give it up!” Matt was set on believing I was gay.
“That’s not what I asked.”
“To slutty girls, yeah.”
“Are you a slutty girl?”
“Do you see me going to school in pencil skirts that barely cover my ass and sheer tank tops with nothing but a bra underneath?”
“No.”
“Then no, I am not a slutty girl.”
“But you still think he’s hot.” Matt grinned.
“I do not!” I exclaimed, going back to my room and picking up my laptop. I went into YouTube and looked up Alex’s song, The Irony of Choking on a Lifesaver, just to see if it was online. It was.
He had a whole account of songs and covers. I clicked on The Irony of Choking on a Lifesaver and plugged my earphones in.
“Having fun?” Matt asked from the doorway. I jumped and paused the video.
“What do you mean?”
“You’re sitting there with your earphones in, grinning and staring intently at the screen.”
“Oh, I was watching someone sing.”
“Who?”
“Alex.”
“He sings?”
“Yeah, he’s great. Here, listen.” I handed him the laptop and earphones. He put them in and restarted it.
“Well, he’s hot, even to an obviously straight guy like myself.” He commented, not taking his eyes off the screen. “And a kickass singer and guitarist.”
“I know.” I took it back.
“So you’re stalking your injured student on YouTube.”
“No! I wanted to see if he had the song because he sang it yesterday in class.”
Matt raised his eyebrows. “Mhm, so you think he’s completely unattractive.”
“Well no-“
“You like him.” He cut me off.
“I do not!”
“Denial.”
“I don’t like him Matt, I swear.” I tried to stress.
“Do you like anyone else right now?”
“No, but that doesn’t mean I like one of my students.”
“Mhm... Okay, well have fun stalking.” He laughed as he left. I flipped him off behind his back and clicked on another video.
After a few more videos, I came to a pretty recent one, the one Vegas had told me to look at. There wasn’t any singing. I frowned and clicked it. I looked at the date of it. He uploaded it yesterday.
“Hi everyone, I’m really sorry for this, but I’m going to stop making these videos. It’s just too much right now. People are commenting rude things and then others try to defend me, so I just have all these arguments on my videos. Everything’s hanging over my shoulders and I’ve just been waiting for it to all drop and crash on me. I knew it wouldn’t be long. I’m sorry to all my fans, but to my haters, your mission of destroying me had been completed. I’m taking your advice. I just need to get rid of all the pain. We’ll see how this all ends.” Alex said, running his fingers through his hair and ending the video.
Waiting for everything to crash down on him. It shouldn’t be long. Did that mean... He was waiting for everything to become too much and finally just end everything? Commit suicide? The thought terrified me. I wanted to help him, I did. But I couldn’t.
~~~
Alex was in school today. He didn’t look great. His hair was disheveled more than usual, his usually happy eyes lifeless and dull. His skin looked thin and pale and he didn’t say anything to anyone when they talked to him. He just looked down.
A few times throughout the period, he would squeeze his eyes shut and bite his lip, wincing. “Alex, I’d like to see you after school to make up yesterday’s work.” I said.
“Okay.” He whispered.
“HE CAN TALK!” Someone yelled.
“FRANCESCHI! Quiet!” I snapped.
The day dragged on. Alex’s mood seemed to affect everyone. No one was very loud or talkative and I finally got sick of it.
“Guys.” I said to fifth period. “I know you’re all worried about Alex, but lighten up! He’s not dead, is he? No. Cheer up, for fucks sake, it’s like we’re all at a funeral in here!”
That didn’t make it better. It didn’t make it worse either.
The end of the day came and Alex walked in the classroom. “Hey.” He whispered.
“Hey Alex, sit down.” I said, pointing to the spinny chair next to me. He sat down and looked at me.
“What do I need to make up?” He asked quietly.
“Nothing. Are you okay?” I asked, worry hinting my voice.
“Not really.”
“W-What happened?”
He lifted the corner of his shirt to show me a large cluster of deep, dark red lines all over his hip. It scared me. “What this just yesterday? Or whenever this happened?”
“Monday night.” He whispered, letting his shirt fall back down.
“Why? I mean, Vinny told me to look up the latest video on your YouTube channel, so I saw that. But why was it so bad?”
“Did you read any of the comments?”
I shook my head. “Well, there were people telling me I was great, I could be something, keep going. Then there were the people saying I sucked, I was an ugly fag, my voice sounded like nails on a chalkboard. Then the fans would argue with the haters like I couldn’t see the comments, but the haters just said more awful things about me in attempt to convince the fans that I wasn’t any good. I could at least handle that. But when the first, ‘He needs to die’ came up, that was when things just got really bad. On every video, I would have people telling me I needed to die, go kill yourself, we hate you, you’re a worthless nothing. So I took their advice and tried to kill myself.” He said, his eyes getting slightly watery.
My jaw had dropped a while ago. “B-But... Why would people say such things?”
He sighed. “You don’t understand the effect words have on people, Jack. All the haters knew how to get under my skin. They knew just what would tear me down, what would make me feel worthless. It worked. They wanted it, so they got it. I hope they’re proud of themselves.”
“S-So you actually tried it?”
He nodded. “I didn’t even hesitate. Over and over, the metal just sunk deeper in my hip until I passed out in the bathroom with the door locked in a pool of my own blood.”
“So how were you found?”
“My brother. He saved my life. He said he hadn’t seen me for hours and the bathroom door had been shut for a really long time, so he started to worry and broke down the door.”
“Oh my god. I knew you had thought about it before, but I thought the music had helped you through.”
“It did, for the most part. It always been there though. I’ve been listening to the AVP acoustic album on repeat whenever I can, just because of those two songs that make everything a little better. Anything at All and The Best That You Can Be.”
I smiled. “Well I’m glad you didn’t die.”
“Why?”
“Because no one needs to resort to death to get rid of their problems. There’s always a remedy that isn’t suicide or self harm. I care about you, I really do. More than anyone else. I’m not sure why, but when I heard someone say to their friend yesterday that they heard you attempted suicide, I got really scared for you. You told me you thought about it a lot. My stomach totally dropped when Vinny told me you texted him, ‘Help’, and he didn’t do anything. I care about you a lot and it fucking scares me when I hear you’re in the ER.” I said.
He just smiled and leaned in a little, placing his hand on the back of my neck and kissing me gently, his warm soft lips meeting mine. My eyes closed and I kissed him back, not forcefully, but softly. He pulled away after just a few seconds and stood up, leaving. Again, he turned at the door. “Barakat? That was a one time experience.” He said before exiting the room.
Alex kissed me. Alex kissed me. Alex kissed me. Alex kissed me. Alex kissed me. Holy fuck. He said it was a one time thing, so it wouldn’t happen again, but I wanted it to. He was an amazing kisser, something I was already addicted to.
Great. Matt was right.
~~~
Alex’s POV
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuckidetty fuck fuck fuck.
I kissed Jack. And I liked it. And he kissed me back, so it meant he liked it too. Hopefully. I’d never kissed a guy before. I didn’t know what to think of it. I liked it, so... Was I gay? Or bisexual? I clearly wasn’t straight.
Fuck, I was a gayskank.
I started thinking about the consequences of what I had just done. If anyone found out, Jack would be fired, although I’m eighteen and it would be legal. But no one had seen and no one but Tom would find out.
So I told Tom.
I came home and he was waiting for me. “How was school? Did you do okay?” He asked, gesturing towards my hip.
“I-Um, yeah, can I talk to you?” I asked.
“Sure, you can tell me anything little bro.”
I sat down on his floor, cross legged. “Um...”
“Spit it out kid, I don’t have all day.”
“I kissed my English teacher.” I blurt. His eyes widened.
“W-Wait, girl or guy?”
“Guy.”
“Well fuck. Why?”
“On Monday, I sort of opened up to him about who I really was and how I thought about suicide a lot. Then today I was talking to him about it after school and he said I really scared him, that he cared about me and how we just sort of connect. We understand each other. And it was really sweet and I couldn’t help it, I just leaned in and kissed him.”
“And?”
“And he kissed me back.”
“Then?”
“Then I got up and left, telling him it was a one time experience.”
“Do you want it to be?” Tom asked.
“I don’t know. He was a really good kisser and he’s really hot, adorable as hell. We do have a lot in common, I have to admit.”
“So go for it.”
Jack’s POV
“You’re going to want to watch out for Alex Gaskarth.” The woman said to me. I was sitting in my old high school principle office. I was going to start teaching there.
“Wait, Gaskarth? Does he have a brother?”
“Tom. Do you know him?”
“Yeah, we went to school together. We Never talked, but he was a problem. Not very nice to anyone, including adults.”
The woman laughed. “Well, Alex follows in his footsteps.”
I rolled my eyes. “Great... Well, thank you for all the information. Have a great day.” I said as I stood up.
“Good luck, Mr. Barakat.”
I left to room and went to my old English classroom, the one I was now teaching in.
It needed... spiffing up. Some posters of music quotes, my electric guitar on the wall. Like my room as a teenager. I put up Blink 182 quotes all around the room, along with We the Kings and Artist vs Poet. I hung my neon green electric guitar behind me and my acoustic next to the door.
As students filed in, I gave instructions. “I don’t give seating charts, sit wherever.”
They all grinned and started murmuring. I heard some girls whispering, “He’s REALLY hot, oh my god.”
I chuckled to myself and leaned against the edge of my desk. A group of boys walked in, all laughing bitterly. I immediately spotted Gaskarth. He and his friends sat in the back of the room.
“Okay.” I said as the bell rang. “I’m Mr. Barakat, but you can call me Jack, Jay, Barakat, Mr. B, B, but I don’t tolerate Barakitten because it sounds like a pornstar name.”
The entire class laughed. “Here’s how things work. You are allowed to eat, but not if anyone in here has allergies. Any allergies?”
No one raised their hand. “Great. Eat whatever, whenever, just clean up your mess afterwards. You are allowed to cuss. I cuss, so you can too. Gum is welcome as long as you don’t stick it anywhere but the trash can when you’re done with it. Don’t take it to your next class. If we all have finished the classwork- I hardly give homework- and I have nothing else planned, you can do anything you like. Play your instrument if you want, talk with your friends. But don’t leave class. And no alcohol, but I accept water and anything else. And absolutely no drugs.”
“Does that mean I’m allowed to fuck some bitch in my free time?” I heard a familiar voice call.
I laughed. “No, no fucking bitches in my class. Sorry.”
“Damn it!”
“I take it you’re Alex Gaskarth.” I smirked. He frowned.
“How did you know that?”
“I went to school with your brother. And I was warned about you.”
He raised an eyebrow but didn’t respond. I just smiled and passed out the grammar worksheet. Alex pulled out a bag of pretzels and handed his friend one. At least he shares. I handed him his worksheet and snagged a pretzel.
“Dude!” He said.
“Yes?”
“You just took my pretzel!”
“And?”
“And-,” He didn’t know what to say. “And that’s not nice!”
I laughed. “Tough luck, Gayskank.”
His jaw dropped, then he closed his mouth and narrowed his eyes. “I’m not gay.”
“You’re skinny jeans suggest otherwise.”
He looked down and then back at me, glaring. “Watch it, Baraslut.”
I laughed again. “So immature.”
He didn’t reply, just looked at his friend like, ‘Is this guy insane or what?’.
Everyone finished the worksheet, even Alex. “Alright, free time. Go ahead.” I announced.
Alex took out his guitar and sat on top of his desk. Everyone looked at his expectantly. “Sing Alex!” Some slutty bottle blonde shrilled. Alex grinned and winked at her.
“Sure thing, gorgeous. What should I sing?”
“The Irony of Choking on a Lifesaver.” Someone commented.
Alex chuckled and started to play. “Stop fucking around with my emotions, I like you better when you’re numb...”
Well fuck. He could sing. And he could sing really fucking good. People joined in with backup vocals and everyone was clapping along to the beat.
He grinned the whole song, tapping his foot until the last chord. Everyone clapped. I clapped slowly and loud, getting his attention.
“Good job Gayskank, you’ve got a good voice.” I commented.
“Thanks Baraslut.” He sneered. I smiled at his cockiness. “What now?”
“Halfway, Parachute!” A kid- Josh Franceschi-called.
Alex pointed to him. “I like your taste.”
Josh beamed at getting attention from the guy who was clearly the most popular boy in the school. The slutty blonde was rubbing his thigh, pretty high up too. I didn’t tolerate that.
I stood up and walked over, removing her hand and walking back. Alex was looking at me with a pissed off expression, but his eyes screamed thankfulness.
“Well I know just what it is you want the way you love and get enough and then you move on
You play the game of who you need and learn his name and walk away to find the next one
You say the things your looking for look past me and door to door
But darling did you think I wouldn't know
I might not be what you want
I'm gonna be your halfway
I might not be what you need
But I'm gonna be the way
I'm never gonna be the thing you want
But I'm gonna be your halfway
I might not be what you need
I'm gonna be your halfway..."
“Very nice Gayskank, very nice.” I commented once he had finished, running my fingers through my dark hair.
“Hmmm.” He just hummed in response. That girl was trying to seduce him again.
“Jasey, hands off!” I barked.
She rolled her eyes and slowly let her hand drag off Alex’s thigh, taking her sweet time.
So Alex was hot. But I was honestly straight. Guys know other guys are hot and they can be straight. Alex was just... Something. His long messy brown hair with blondish highlights in it was disheveled in an organized way and his caramel eyes seemed to go on forever. He was around my height, a little shorter. Something about his cheekbones was really... Attractive, I guess?
So yeah, Alex was hot.
~~~
Alex’s POV
“My English teacher is SUCH a douche!” I complained to my friend Vinny. “He’s such a cocky asshole! A fucking bastard!”
Some slut was sitting next to me, running a finger up and down my chest, attempting to turn me on. Not gonna work sweetheart, sorry about that. I’ve been obsessing with the gorgeous celebrity Tay Jardine.
“How so?”
“Ugh! He’s an amazing TEACHER, he lets us eat and cuss and play music in our free time.”
“So why is he a cocky asshole and a bastard?”
“Because! I was just sitting there eating my pretzels and he just TAKES one, so I’m like, ‘Dude!’ and he’s all like, ‘Yes?’ like he did nothing wrong, and so I’m just like, ‘You just took my pretzel!’, and then he said, ‘And?’ and I’m just like, fuck, how to I respond to that, so I was just like, ‘And that’s not nice!’. And he just laughed and said ‘Tough luck, Gayskank,’ so I’m like ‘I’m not gay.’ And he’s like, ‘Your skinny jeans suggest otherwise.’ I’m just sitting there like who the fuck do you think you are? But I’m just like, ‘Watch it, Baraslut.’ And he called me immature!” I exclaimed.
“Dude, I want to meet him. If he’s so cocky you don’t have a good comeback, he’s awesome.”
I punched his arm. “You’re supposed to be on my side!”
“Ooooh Alex, I know you aren’t gay baby, he sounds like a douche.” The girl next to me-Sharrie? Sharon? Sally?- cooed.
I didn’t acknowledge her. “I fucking hate him!”
“He sounds like a cool guy.” Vinny shrugged.
I scoffed and left. I walked through the empty halls and went to my lockers. I was unlocking it when someone walked by and pinched my side, making me squeal and turn around to see Baraslut walking down the hall away from me, grinning.
“Fuck you, Baraslut!” I shouted. He just flipped me off. My jaw dropped. No one had even been this... Direct with me. Everyone looked up to me, did what I did. Baraslut was different. He teased me, but in a joking way.
I loved to hate it.
~~~
The final bell rang and we all filed from the class. I walked straight to Jack’s room and silently opened the door and shut it without a sound. He was sitting in his spinny chair with his feet on his desk and an acoustic guitar in his lap. It sounded like he was trying to find the chords to The Irony of Choking on a Lifesaver.
He played a string of it, hitting one wrong chord. He changed it and retried, still getting it wrong.
“F major.” I said.
He spun around and saw me standing there. “Hey Alex.” He said, looking back at his fingers on the chords, then set the guitar down. “What’cha need?”
I had to say, the one thing I liked about Jack was that he acted my age. He didn’t dress like a teacher, he wore skinny jeans and a band shirt. He didn’t talk to me like I was a kid. Why was I here? “I heard you playing and thought I’d come to see if you were any good.”
“I’m not.” He laughed.
“No, you are. Pretty impressive you can get that much of a song just by listening.”
He shrugged. “Eh, I guess. How long have you played?”
“Freshman year. You?”
“Same. Damn, you’ve played for four years and I’ve played for nine and you’re still better than me.” He grinned.
“You’re only 21?”
“Yep.”
“You’re barely legal to drink!” I exclaimed.
“And?”
“And you’re already a teacher?”
“Evidently.” He gestured towards the classroom and I finally noticed all the quotes.
“No way, you like AVP, WTK, and Blink?” I said, surprised.
“Fuck yeah, dude they rock.”
“Yeah man, they’re the best.”
“Have you heard AVP’s new acoustic album?” He asked, grinning.
“Oh my god, it’s amazing.”
“I know! You don’t seem like the type to like AVP and WTK.”
I glanced at him. “You don’t know shit about me, Baraslut.”
“Maybe not, but that’s going to change. Right now. Tell me about yourself.” He said, pointing to the other spinny chair. I sat down and put my feet up on the desk.
“What’dya want to know?”
“Are you actually the cocky bastard you claim to be?”
I sighed. “No.”
“Then what are you?” He asked, suddenly curious.
“A band nerd who’d rather be helping people stop self harming than be in school learning math I’ll never use in real life. Who the hell buys 60 watermelons?”
He laughed. “So if you’re a band nerd, why are you acting like you do?”
I sighed again.
~~~
Jack’s POV
“Because I can’t ruin my reputation. I’d much rather come to school in a band shirt and sweatpants than whatever this shit is.” He gestured towards his outfit.
“Why don’t you then?”
“What?”
“Why don’t you come to school wearing whatever you want? Act how you want to act? Be who you want to be?” I reasoned.
“It’s not that easy, Barakat.” What happened to slut?
“Why not?”
“Because if I did that, I’d lose all my friends. There’s no one at this school who understands my love for music. It’s sort of saved me. I can connect with the band members even if I’ve never met them. The excitement of waiting for a new album, the freaking out over getting to go to a concert, being a diehard fan, no one gets it. Music has just always been my escape from the shitty world; It’s saved me.” He sighed and closed his eyes, leaning his head back.
“What do you mean it’s ‘saved you’?” I asked, confused.
“Shit.” He muttered. “I can’t believe I’m telling you this, but I’ve thought about suicide a lot.”
“What? Why?” I asked, suddenly a little scared. He sighed again.
“Because no one GETS me. The real me. The band nerd, the one who wants to help other people instead of tease them to their face and behind their back. It makes me feel like a bad person, partly because I am one.”
“Alex, you are not a bad person. You’re just confused. Okay?”
He looked me right in the eyes. “Okay.” He smiled and checked his phone, then groaned and threw his head back again.
“What?”
“Every fucking day I get like forty texts from sluts and people who think I’m their friend!” He said unhappily and looked back at it, frowning.
I took it from his hands and cleared all the texts. “Fuck them.”
He grinned. “Why?”
“If they can’t except you for the band nerd who wants to help others, than they aren’t good enough for you.” I said.
“I should probably go, it’s a little late.” He said, standing up.
“Later Alex.”
He didn’t respond, but on his way out he turned around. “Thanks Jack.” He smiled and walked away.
That was the first time he used my first name.
~~~
(The next day)
First period started filing in the classroom and sitting down, all mumbling things with either annoyed, happy, or sad and worried.
Alex wasn’t here today when I took role. “Anyone know where Gaskarth is?”
“He’s in the hospital!” Someone called. I look up from the role sheet.
“Why?”
“I don’t know, but he is.”
“Okay, anyone know where Merrick is?”
“He’s sick!” The same kid said.
“Okay, thanks.” I marked them down and started the class.
It was strange without Alex. Everyone just seemed sort of lost, like he was their leader and without him, they had no clue what to do. They were all mumbling throughout class. “Guys. I know you’re all worried about Alex, but pay attention up here.” I said.
They turned their heads and every student was looking at me. Well, I thought, That was effective. Finally, the bell rang and they all filed out of the room, muttering things about Alex. I caught snippets of it.
“I heard it was fatal.”
“I hope he’s okay.”
“That asshole deserves whatever he got.”
“I heard that he attempted suicide.”
The last one made my stomach drop. Fuck. He said he thought about suicide a lot, but I thought music had helped him through that! I decided to not teach during my next class and just socialize with the students.
They all walked in, each of them saying something about Alex. “Guys, sit down, I’m not teaching today. We need to socialize some.”
They looked at each other and sat down. “Alright. Dawson, start with you. Tell me your first name, last name, favorite hobby, and your favorite thing about English.”
“Rian Dawson, playing drums, and that I get to eat in class.” He replied. I laughed.
“Alright, next.”
We went through every person. I got a few slutty girls saying their favorite thing about English was that I’m hot, so I got a laugh out of that.
“Okay, great. What’s everyone been talking about today? All my classes come in with a certain unhappy face on and are talking about something with their friend and now I’m curious.”
A girl named Kayla raised her hand. I pointed to her. “Alex Gaskarth is in the hospital.”
“Why?”
“I’m don’t know, I’ve heard a lot of things. He was in a car accident, he had abusive parents who went too far, he attempted suicide, he choked on something... A lot of things.”
“Has anyone heard from him?”
Vinny raised his hand. “He sent me a text yesterday saying, ‘Help’, but I didn’t know what it meant, so I didn’t do anything. I think I probably should’ve.”
My eyes widened. “Woah woah woah, Vinny, if someone texts you help, drop everything and go fucking help them!”
“Next time I will. There’s a video on YouTube, something about him stopping the singing videos because of things being too much, something like that.”
I shook my head in disbelief he hadn’t gone and helped him. “Does anyone know for sure why he’s in the hospital?”
They shook their heads. “I know he was rushed to the ER for whatever it was.” Someone said.
My stomach dropped again. “O-Okay, well, let’s all hope he get’s better, yeah? You can have some free time.” I said. They looked at each other and started mumbling.
I just walked back to my desk. I almost felt sick. After what Alex had told me yesterday, I was afraid of what he might have done. I ran my fingers through my raven locks of hair and sighed. Why did I even care so much? Yeah, Alex had opened up to me a lot yesterday, but that didn’t mean we were officially friends. He was a nice kid underneath. When he was the douche he was on the surface, for some reason, I loved the way he got me so fired up. He knew how to press my buttons and it thrilled me. But the kid underneath was so very different. I liked him better. He wasn’t confident and a cocky bastard, he was an insecure scared teenager.
I let the rest of the classes to a worksheet on the lesson first period had learned after briefly teaching it.
Last period came to an end and everyone walked from the room talking about Alex. I took down my guitar and started playing some AVP. I half expected Alex to come in after school, but he didn’t. I don’t know why I had thought he would if he was in the ER.
So I just went back to my apartment to Matt, my roommate. “Hey Flyzik.” I greeted as I walked in.
“Hey Jay, how are ya?”
“Alright. One of my students is in the hospital.”
“Uh oh, why? Who?”
“Alex Gaskarth. I’ve got no idea why. There’s rumors going around about what happened and he texted his friend Vinny ‘Help’ yesterday, but the dumbass didn’t do anything.”
“Is he hot?”
“Matt! I’m not gay! Give it up!” Matt was set on believing I was gay.
“That’s not what I asked.”
“To slutty girls, yeah.”
“Are you a slutty girl?”
“Do you see me going to school in pencil skirts that barely cover my ass and sheer tank tops with nothing but a bra underneath?”
“No.”
“Then no, I am not a slutty girl.”
“But you still think he’s hot.” Matt grinned.
“I do not!” I exclaimed, going back to my room and picking up my laptop. I went into YouTube and looked up Alex’s song, The Irony of Choking on a Lifesaver, just to see if it was online. It was.
He had a whole account of songs and covers. I clicked on The Irony of Choking on a Lifesaver and plugged my earphones in.
“Having fun?” Matt asked from the doorway. I jumped and paused the video.
“What do you mean?”
“You’re sitting there with your earphones in, grinning and staring intently at the screen.”
“Oh, I was watching someone sing.”
“Who?”
“Alex.”
“He sings?”
“Yeah, he’s great. Here, listen.” I handed him the laptop and earphones. He put them in and restarted it.
“Well, he’s hot, even to an obviously straight guy like myself.” He commented, not taking his eyes off the screen. “And a kickass singer and guitarist.”
“I know.” I took it back.
“So you’re stalking your injured student on YouTube.”
“No! I wanted to see if he had the song because he sang it yesterday in class.”
Matt raised his eyebrows. “Mhm, so you think he’s completely unattractive.”
“Well no-“
“You like him.” He cut me off.
“I do not!”
“Denial.”
“I don’t like him Matt, I swear.” I tried to stress.
“Do you like anyone else right now?”
“No, but that doesn’t mean I like one of my students.”
“Mhm... Okay, well have fun stalking.” He laughed as he left. I flipped him off behind his back and clicked on another video.
After a few more videos, I came to a pretty recent one, the one Vegas had told me to look at. There wasn’t any singing. I frowned and clicked it. I looked at the date of it. He uploaded it yesterday.
“Hi everyone, I’m really sorry for this, but I’m going to stop making these videos. It’s just too much right now. People are commenting rude things and then others try to defend me, so I just have all these arguments on my videos. Everything’s hanging over my shoulders and I’ve just been waiting for it to all drop and crash on me. I knew it wouldn’t be long. I’m sorry to all my fans, but to my haters, your mission of destroying me had been completed. I’m taking your advice. I just need to get rid of all the pain. We’ll see how this all ends.” Alex said, running his fingers through his hair and ending the video.
Waiting for everything to crash down on him. It shouldn’t be long. Did that mean... He was waiting for everything to become too much and finally just end everything? Commit suicide? The thought terrified me. I wanted to help him, I did. But I couldn’t.
~~~
Alex was in school today. He didn’t look great. His hair was disheveled more than usual, his usually happy eyes lifeless and dull. His skin looked thin and pale and he didn’t say anything to anyone when they talked to him. He just looked down.
A few times throughout the period, he would squeeze his eyes shut and bite his lip, wincing. “Alex, I’d like to see you after school to make up yesterday’s work.” I said.
“Okay.” He whispered.
“HE CAN TALK!” Someone yelled.
“FRANCESCHI! Quiet!” I snapped.
The day dragged on. Alex’s mood seemed to affect everyone. No one was very loud or talkative and I finally got sick of it.
“Guys.” I said to fifth period. “I know you’re all worried about Alex, but lighten up! He’s not dead, is he? No. Cheer up, for fucks sake, it’s like we’re all at a funeral in here!”
That didn’t make it better. It didn’t make it worse either.
The end of the day came and Alex walked in the classroom. “Hey.” He whispered.
“Hey Alex, sit down.” I said, pointing to the spinny chair next to me. He sat down and looked at me.
“What do I need to make up?” He asked quietly.
“Nothing. Are you okay?” I asked, worry hinting my voice.
“Not really.”
“W-What happened?”
He lifted the corner of his shirt to show me a large cluster of deep, dark red lines all over his hip. It scared me. “What this just yesterday? Or whenever this happened?”
“Monday night.” He whispered, letting his shirt fall back down.
“Why? I mean, Vinny told me to look up the latest video on your YouTube channel, so I saw that. But why was it so bad?”
“Did you read any of the comments?”
I shook my head. “Well, there were people telling me I was great, I could be something, keep going. Then there were the people saying I sucked, I was an ugly fag, my voice sounded like nails on a chalkboard. Then the fans would argue with the haters like I couldn’t see the comments, but the haters just said more awful things about me in attempt to convince the fans that I wasn’t any good. I could at least handle that. But when the first, ‘He needs to die’ came up, that was when things just got really bad. On every video, I would have people telling me I needed to die, go kill yourself, we hate you, you’re a worthless nothing. So I took their advice and tried to kill myself.” He said, his eyes getting slightly watery.
My jaw had dropped a while ago. “B-But... Why would people say such things?”
He sighed. “You don’t understand the effect words have on people, Jack. All the haters knew how to get under my skin. They knew just what would tear me down, what would make me feel worthless. It worked. They wanted it, so they got it. I hope they’re proud of themselves.”
“S-So you actually tried it?”
He nodded. “I didn’t even hesitate. Over and over, the metal just sunk deeper in my hip until I passed out in the bathroom with the door locked in a pool of my own blood.”
“So how were you found?”
“My brother. He saved my life. He said he hadn’t seen me for hours and the bathroom door had been shut for a really long time, so he started to worry and broke down the door.”
“Oh my god. I knew you had thought about it before, but I thought the music had helped you through.”
“It did, for the most part. It always been there though. I’ve been listening to the AVP acoustic album on repeat whenever I can, just because of those two songs that make everything a little better. Anything at All and The Best That You Can Be.”
I smiled. “Well I’m glad you didn’t die.”
“Why?”
“Because no one needs to resort to death to get rid of their problems. There’s always a remedy that isn’t suicide or self harm. I care about you, I really do. More than anyone else. I’m not sure why, but when I heard someone say to their friend yesterday that they heard you attempted suicide, I got really scared for you. You told me you thought about it a lot. My stomach totally dropped when Vinny told me you texted him, ‘Help’, and he didn’t do anything. I care about you a lot and it fucking scares me when I hear you’re in the ER.” I said.
He just smiled and leaned in a little, placing his hand on the back of my neck and kissing me gently, his warm soft lips meeting mine. My eyes closed and I kissed him back, not forcefully, but softly. He pulled away after just a few seconds and stood up, leaving. Again, he turned at the door. “Barakat? That was a one time experience.” He said before exiting the room.
Alex kissed me. Alex kissed me. Alex kissed me. Alex kissed me. Alex kissed me. Holy fuck. He said it was a one time thing, so it wouldn’t happen again, but I wanted it to. He was an amazing kisser, something I was already addicted to.
Great. Matt was right.
~~~
Alex’s POV
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuckidetty fuck fuck fuck.
I kissed Jack. And I liked it. And he kissed me back, so it meant he liked it too. Hopefully. I’d never kissed a guy before. I didn’t know what to think of it. I liked it, so... Was I gay? Or bisexual? I clearly wasn’t straight.
Fuck, I was a gayskank.
I started thinking about the consequences of what I had just done. If anyone found out, Jack would be fired, although I’m eighteen and it would be legal. But no one had seen and no one but Tom would find out.
So I told Tom.
I came home and he was waiting for me. “How was school? Did you do okay?” He asked, gesturing towards my hip.
“I-Um, yeah, can I talk to you?” I asked.
“Sure, you can tell me anything little bro.”
I sat down on his floor, cross legged. “Um...”
“Spit it out kid, I don’t have all day.”
“I kissed my English teacher.” I blurt. His eyes widened.
“W-Wait, girl or guy?”
“Guy.”
“Well fuck. Why?”
“On Monday, I sort of opened up to him about who I really was and how I thought about suicide a lot. Then today I was talking to him about it after school and he said I really scared him, that he cared about me and how we just sort of connect. We understand each other. And it was really sweet and I couldn’t help it, I just leaned in and kissed him.”
“And?”
“And he kissed me back.”
“Then?”
“Then I got up and left, telling him it was a one time experience.”
“Do you want it to be?” Tom asked.
“I don’t know. He was a really good kisser and he’s really hot, adorable as hell. We do have a lot in common, I have to admit.”
“So go for it.”
@TotalBandWh0re @JalexInNeverland @TheJalexWhisperer hey guys idk of you knew this, bus Melissa (the author of this story hasn't been able to access this account in a looooong time but it is finished and their are 4 more sequel's to this and neither of them die sorrynotsorry but here's the link to where its finished Hes Adorable As Hell and its totally worth reading :3
6/1/14