No Pads… No Helmets… Just Memories!

With a smile on my face, I pushed open the front door of the Gaskarth's home. Not seeing a soul or hearing a sound aside from loud gun shots and shouts from behind the basement door just down the hall. "Classic..." I muttered as I dropped my bag by the door and kicked off my shoes beside a pair of Alex's Nike and walking down the hall.

"Fuck, fuck, FUCK!" I heard Alex all but scream at his video game when I pulled the white wooden door open and rolled my eyes. "God dammit Jack what the fuck are you doing?" He cursed as I grew closer to the end of the staircase. Smirking to myself as I rounded the small corner and leaned against the wall that concealed the stairs.

"Not what he's supposed, I assume...?" I said with a grin as Alex's head snapped to me. The pause long enough for him to see me, smile and look back to game making me laugh. Alex was hunched over on the sectional couch in the farthest part of the basement where we always hung out. He was curled on the edge of his seat, wireless controller in hand, elbows digging into the tops of his knees, and a headset obstructing his hair. As I grew closer and made my way towards the couch, I could see the concentration in his eyes and how his lower lip was caught between his teeth. He was such a nerd.

But he was my nerd.

"JACK GO, GO, GO!" Alex screamed into his head set making me giggle as I plopped down on the couch beside him. I almost didn't even mind the snip that pinched my mind with every simple sound, but when I sat down Alex went into some sort of menu with a list of guns and weapons for a split second. Rushing- he reached forward for the TV remote and muted the television before swiftly returning to his game. "This is almost over, babe." He whispered to me as he leaned into me slightly, his eyes still on the screen as he shot people left and right. "-no shut up, I was talking to my girlfriend!" He hissed into the mic of the headset now as he leaned forward again and I couldn't help but laugh. "Yes- I- un, yeah I have a girlfriend," he said again, sounding rather annoyed as leaned to the left and shot at some guy. "W- Ugh, Jasey take my head set off!"

"As you wish..." I laughed softly as I leaned forward and carefully pulled the headset from his head, being cautious of his oh so perfectly sculptured hair before tossing it off to the side. Alex sighed as he scooted backwards and leaned his spine into the back of the couch. "So, how was band practice?" I asked as I settled down into his side. Not minding that both his hands were on the controller still as he played the muted video game.

He shrugged as he continued to play. "Sucked... I wish you were there, but it was probably better you wernt." He laughed and I looked up at him. Surprised I got that long of a response in his state of concentration. But even with his shockingly long rejoinder, I still was at a loss.

"Why?"

"'Cause Jack knows now..." He said carefully, his voice lowering as if he was nervous of the headset at the other end of the couch. "He and I went up into your kitchen alone to grab some waters and he started to interrogate me, because apparently I was, 'in too good of a mood for a taken man'?" He said in a questionable tone before he began to laugh.

"Leave it to Jack..."

"Seriously," Alex laughed. "He got pissed 'cause I wouldn't say much." Alex said softly as I watched a small blush from on his cheeks making me gasp as I smacked his bicep. The act only making him chuckle as he kept his big brown eyes glued to the TV screen.

"What did you tell him?" I asked rather loudly as my own blush seemed to rise to my cheeks.

"Nothing!" Alex laughed as he lifted his eyebrows and his eyes grew in size. But I wasn't buying it. I stayed silent for a moment, my eyes boring into the side of Alex's head though he couldn't see. I knew he had an idea, the way his shoulders slumped while he continued to try and play his game. "Okay, maybe I hinted at a few things here or there but the only thing that was made clear was that... I had zero complaints about you, or your body, or anything."

"ALEX!"

"What?" Alex scoffed as he flinched at the game and jolted his shoulders to the side, pulling the controller closer to his chest making me roll my eyes. "Like I'm actually going to tell him what he wants to know," Alex picked up again after a short pause. Saying, "The kid has no filter and I'm pretty sure he completely forgot your relations to him, Rian, and well all of our friends when he was pressing me about how big your boobs were!" I felt heat instantly whirl in the apples of my cheeks as I pulled my hands to my face.

"Oh my God..."

"Babe, don't worry about a thing, I didn't say anything of use to him and besides, you're hot." Alex scoffed. Almost as if me being embarrassed offended him, which in result only made me even more embarrassed. "Seriously! You're sexy."

"Alex!" I whined as I shot to the right and hid my face between his left shoulder blade and the back of the couch.

"What?" He gasped yet again in that same shocked tone. "Those t-shirts had me fooled, Jasey you have quite the bod." He said next, the smirk practically dripping from each and every word. I bit my lip to compose myself as I pulled my head from behind him and shot him a slightly agitated look.

"Is that really how you spend your band practices?" I smirked, "Talking about my boobs?"

Alex's eyes widened as the words slid from my mouth and what I could have sworn to be an actual blush rose to his tanned cheeks. "No..." He scoffed suddenly before biting his lip and keeping his eyes on the screen. "We actually practice too!" He defended making me laugh loudly which he didn't find all that amusing.

"Yeah ok-"

"FUCK!" Alex cursed as suddenly the screen went red and Alex dropped the remote to his lap. I thought the game was over when the screen started moving in slow motion and everything was set to black and white. But just as I looked from the screen, Alex's hands were cupping my cheeks and his lips were on mine in a quick and sloppy kiss. His body pulling from mine almost as fast as it had held it and he snatched the controller back into his hands.

Had I known anything more about video games in that moment I would have fully understood that Alex had been killed and used the short moment of the kill cam's replay to kiss me. The brief moment ended and the game resumed whilst I still sat their slightly confused, but Alex had seemed already fully over the short exchange. "Maybe if you were actually there today you would know that!" He smirked as I shot him a glare of my own. "But seeing as you weren't, did you at least find a dress?"

A smirk slid into a smile as Alex dared to send me a look. Pulling his eyes away from his game long enough to see my sickly grin before he let out this freaky ass chuckle and nudged me with his shoulder making me laugh. "Yes, okay, I found a dress!" I laughed as Alex nudged me one last time before he left his body there, leaned against mine with his head back against my shoulder.

"Sweet, what color is it?" He asked as I bit my lip. My hand reaching up to tangle in his now free hair as he continued to light up heads and buildings in whatever game be it he was playing. While I didn't seem to care, my silence bothered him. "What, no color?" He asked again, a smirk prominent in his tone. "Going in the nude, works for me!" He said tossing me yet another nudge as I began to giggle. "Now tell me..." He added with a jab to the ribs. "If you show up in the nude, are we coordinating still?" Suddenly Alex's game was paused and I could have sworn I heard a slew of angry sounds and voices from the headset a few feet away. But with my attention on that and a goofy grin on my face I didn't even notice Alex twist to climb on top of me till he was poking my sides making me yelp. "What’s it going to be Jasey, if you get to show off your goods, do I get to show of mine?"

"Oh my God, ALEX!" I yelled through my laughter as he ceased to tickle my sides and instead used his hands to prop him up over me as I was pushed backwards. The boy's own laughter dulled alongside mine till we were left with two breathy smiles exchanged between us. "If you must know..." I whispered as Alex's eyes scanned my face. "It's red..."

Recognition instantly flashed across his face as he grinned. The boy cupped my cheek with his hand as he moved in, but I quickly put my palm to his lips. "Whayseeey" he mumbled against my hand as I furrowed my brows causing him to pull his lips away from the limb in an awkward motion. "I said, Jasey..." He clarified his whine before smiling at me as I rolled my eyes.

"Will you just play your game!" I laughed as I shoved on his shoulders and forced us both to a sitting position. The rush bringing the pulse back to my head as I sighed. I, now being the one to lean into Alex as he snatched the remote.

"But its final now!" He stated matter-of-factly as he hit a button and picked up his game right where he left off. "You have to come to band practice tomorrow..." He said, obviously having moved on from the short intermission that had me practically all over the place mentally. But even in my aching state I still understood his request loud and clear and released a sigh.

"'Lex..."

"Come on Jasey!" Alex whined as I pinched my lips into a line. "We only need to write one more song before we can go to Emerald in two weeks, I need you there, otherwise all I'll be thinking about is that you aren't there and nothing will get done!"

"Highly doubtful..." I muttered as Alex dared to pull his eyes from the television for a split second to shoot me a look. A look that told me he was being drop dead serious. A look that made me sigh. "I can't even if I wanted to..." I told him softly. "I have spring soccer tryouts tomorrow..."

Alex was silent for a moment. The only sounds filtering through the thick air were the clicking of the controller and Alex's controlled breath. I wasn't sure if he had even heard me, or if he was just choosing to ignore me. But then he sighed. "You do?" He asked in the smallest of voices that made a frown pull my lips down.

"Yeah..." I whispered. "I told you this like three times already." I cringed after speaking when I realized you could hear the disappointment in my tone. I didn't want that. I didn't want to make Alex feel bad about forgetting my tryouts, I mean, It's not like I asked him to be there or anything, and it's not his responsibility. It just kind of bummed me out he didn't recall me telling him even after it was mentioned. My headache was heightened at the mental debate. I didn't want this time to be about shit like this. I just wanted to fucking cuddle.

"Oh, Jasey I'm so-"

"Don't..." I said with a pleading tone. "Don't be sorry, don't do anything, they're just tryouts, I wasn't expecting you to go or anything, it’s a closed tryouts, as always!" I assured him and watched as he nodded his head despite the fact his spine was still tight. "Just play your game so we can cuddle..."

Hearing those words brought a smile to Alex's face as he seemed to sink even deeper into his state of concentration. The boy leaned back as he said, "sure thing babe," and kicked his foot up onto the ottoman. Only, when his foot came back down he hit the remote just right and sound filled the room - louder than ever.

Gun shots and bombs and screaming tracks of other players. I couldn't help the small whimper that followed my yelp as my hands snapped to my head in a useless attempt to stop the sudden pain. It was all too much too fast. My dull headache snapped across my head like a stab from a knife causing shrill sounds to slip from my lips as I quickly curled into a ball. Just willing the sounds to stop. But almost as suddenly as they started, they did.

I shut my eyes as I could feel tears prick hot and I told myself not to cry. I had no real reason to cry, it was a God damn headache for crying out loud, no matter how bad it fucking hurt.

I didn't even think about what Alex did to stop the horrendously loud sounds from piercing my ears, but suddenly I felt his hands clasp over the backs of mine. "Jesus Jasey," I heard him whisper. "Are you alright?" I nodded my head and tried to wave him off but shocker to no one, he wasn't buying it. He wrapped an arm around me and pulled me into his lap, I couldn't even think of where the controller had gone. He kissed my temple and I tried not to wince at the jaw clamping tightness that had taken over my head.

"I'm fine." I breathed. "Really, it's just a migraine."

Alex blew out a breath as his hand soothed down my back. His lips resting against the skin of my forehead and I tried to think about that. His warm lips, how they were always so soft and full but in this moment felt slightly chapped, and I still didn't mind. "Come on; let’s get you upstairs so you can lie down..." He said and I instantly shook my head, hating how dizzy the small act made me feel.

"No Alex, I'll be fine, just win your video game!" I tried to protest though my few words came out as nothing but a small whimper.

"Nonsense," he said as he kissed my head. "If you’re hurting I want to be the one to take care of you." I whined in protest as I wiggled my head into the crook of his neck. I felt his arm slip under the bend of my knees and his other wrap tightly around my back like before.

"Alex, no..." I whined as he ignored my protests and pulled himself to his feet with a huff. The moment I was hoisted from his lap and my hip knocked his stomach lightly there was this over all gut wrenching feeling inside me that made me just want to groan aloud. The milk curdling feeling explaining my headache in an instant, it was a cramp. Fucking great. Mother Nature could not have picked a better time to come with tryouts the next day. But I couldn't tell Alex that, as sweet and caring as he is, he's a boy, and period talk freaks him out. His hand wrapped around my back rubbed my side softly as he began carrying me to what I could only assume to be the stairs as I left my head hidden in his neck. Letting the feeling of his gentle fingers just inches from the pinch in my gut sooth it even though I let out one last whine of protest.

"Will you give it up?" Alex chuckled softly as he struggled slightly to pop the door and step back up onto the first floor of his home. "You can't even open your eyes, and you think I will continue to play a video game while you're in pain, what kind of person would I be if I aloud that?"

"One that listens to their girlfriend..." I muttered weakly into his neck as Alex laughed again and began to climb another set of stairs. But sadly, he was right. I could hardly open my eyes and everything hurt thanks to the throbbing in my brain. And as much as I love to be coddled by Alex, being coddled over something like this wasn't exactly the same. Alex didn't say another word till another door was popped open and I took the chance, opening a single eye to see he was entering his bedroom.

"Now when I put you down are you going to cooperate and tell me where your head hurts or are you going to continue to fight me?" He asks as he stops right at the side of the bed, having walked around to the side farthest from the door where I usually slept. Isn't that nice, I thought in my head, I'm fortunate enough to have a boyfriend who's not only my neighbor but my best-friend, and because of this I have a side on his freaking bed! I felt him jolt his arms just a bit and my head snapped off his shoulder and away from my thoughts, my eyes wide as they darted around the room I'd seen a million and one times before I looked down at the bed and felt his lips brush against the shell of my ear. "Which is it going to be Miss Jasey Rae?" He asked.

I shut my eyes and sighed. "Well, I'm most certainly not in the mood to argue with you..." I hushed as I felt Alex kiss my head before I was being lowered onto his bed.

"Alrighty then," he cooed and rolled me slightly to tuck me under the covers. I shut my eyes and pulled the comforter up to my nose, inhaling his comforting scent as I sighed and snuggled deep into his mattress. I swear. I loved Alex's bed way more than my own; it was always just so comfy, I could have passed out right then and there. But as I tried to slip into sleep, the bed dipped and a hand was on my head. "How do you do it?" Alex whispered as my eyes fluttered open and I noticed him hovering over me, the pads of his rough fingers softly brushing hairs from my face.

"Do what?" I asked as a small yawn slipped from my lips. An act which Alex seemed to find fairly amusing by the vast grin that pulled at his lips.

"That..." He chuckled, "how do you manage to be adorable no matter the situation?" I blinked up at him as he continued to smooth a hand over my head. I was practically shoved into a state of bliss. Alex was amazing. Here I was whining like a bitch over a headache and here he was being his usual charming self. His voice was smooth like butter and soft like dough as he looked down on me with sparkling eyes that I would throw every story book moment out the window to get lost in forever. I couldn't keep my eyes off him. I smiled at him but the moment his features softened, a rather concerned look took on his face the same instant.

My smile slipped and his hand flipped over so the back of it was pressed firmly to the left side of my head. "What's wrong?" I asked, honestly bewildered as to what it could be as Alex moved his hand across my forehead in a choppy motion.

"N - Uh - nothing..." Alex muttered softly as he slid his hand to cup my cheek. "Just - you're burning up, are you sure it's just a headache, do you feel okay?"

I instantly bit my lip knowing all too well that the heat he was feeling was in no way a fever, but a feverish blush that heated my skin. "I feel fine aside from my head..." I said as he frowned at me and rubbed his thumb across my cheek.

"You sure baby girl?" He cooed and I had to bite my lip once. Knowing all too well the heat he kept pumping up into my cheeks was only raising my internal body temperature to a new all-time high.

My breath was so caught up in my throat, I wasn't even sure he heard the small 'yeah' that I pressed passed my lips. I was taken away. I had known this boy my entire life, kissed him, confessed my love to him and have given myself to him in ways that I can never get back, and still. Little things like this that continuously take my breath away assure me that Alex is in fact the guy I love. And I would never have it any other way.

He shoots me a sympathetic look before curling to kiss my head. His lips sending a tingling sensation over the skin as it soothed a hole through my mind and all I wanted is for him to place little kisses all over my head and simply make the pain slip away. "I'm going to grab you something that just might help, alright?" He whispered as he sat up, slowly - and carefully - getting to his feet. But right before he could back away, I grabbed his arm.

"No," I hushed as he looked at me bewildered, "I'm fine, don't go."

"But-"

"Please," I begged as I tilted my head fully to look up into his eyes. "I swear, I'm fine, all I truly want and need is a little cuddles..." I said as I puffed my lower lip out into a killer pout. And Alex looked down on me from his height above. Either side of his mouth twitching in polar directions giving him a slanted grin as he raised a bushy brow at me.

"You really think that will make your headache better?" He asked rather quietly as I sucked in my bottom lip and nodded my head. Watching with big doe eyes as Alex slid me the smallest of grins and quickly made his way around the other side of the bed to get in. Him doing that, while I - satisfied with myself - took it into my own hands to get comfortable. Already being on my left hip, I rolled to my stomach ever so slightly so the hip still held majority of the weight but I could sprawl out more on my half of the bed. My left leg stood as a post as it stuck out straight and my right was popped up to the side in a hitch. Both feet poking out from under Alex's dark comforter as my hitched foot hung ever so slightly off the bed. My arms were up and wrapped around the horizontal pillow under my head where I buried my face.

Feeling quickly comfortable, it was only a short while before I felt Alex at my side. Mimicking most of my actions as he laid his right side over my left and hooked the limb between my own. His body not overlapping mine enough for any discomfort, just a bit so I could feel his chest rise and his body close to mine. I let out a content sigh and shut my eyes. sitting in silence for a moment or so before I felt the back of my shirt be pulled loose and slightly lifted, but before worry set in, Alex's hand was there, calmly rubbing my spine.

For some time he did that, humming in my ear and rubbing my back. The rough pads of his calloused fingers circling and rubbing the soft flesh of my lower back soothing my aches with his simplest touch and driving me nuts. The rough on the smooth. The gentle strokes. I never wanted it to stop, so of course it did. I'm sure at some point, Alex just grew bored with rubbing my back and the hand disappeared. Sadly, I was almost a little too disappointed when it didn't wrap around my middle and hold me close like I wish it had. All I really wanted was to be cuddled up with him. And even though his arms were not, his leg was still tangled with mine for the moment and I couldn't help the lingering thought of 'is this is how it will always be?'. I know it’s weird and rather annoying when high school kid’s claim they love their boyfriend/girlfriend and are going to be with them forever, but after all the bull shit Alex and I have been through - even as friends prior - I can't help but feel as though I could spend my life with him. I mean, if I'm being honest, he's all I've ever known.

Even my other friends like Cass and Matt or just about anyone else, they aren't as close to me as Alex is. He is just and has always been a constant in my life, and I think trying to replace him - no matter what happens - would be the hardest thing I would ever do. And thinking this, I had never felt so small and independent, but still, some part of me didn't mind. And I smiled as he let out a breath that rolled down the back of my neck before I felt the leg of Alex's that had been thrown over mine disappear. I froze.

Not even a moment later did I feel the weight morphing the memory foam beside me beginning to shift ever so slightly. A small whimper that sounded a lot like "Lex?" slid past my lips. But hey, hormones, they make me clingy what can I say. But either way, hearing my small sound, Alex stayed put.

"I thought you had fallen asleep..." He said softly still even though he knew I was awake at that point in time. I shook my head, shifting swiftly to my right hip and snapping my head to look up at him. Seeing his big brown eyes glisten at me in the darkening room.

"No... I just really adore it when you rub my back..." I said in the smallest of tones as this teeny weeny little grin pulled at Alex's lips. Alex then laid back down with his chest to me, two strong arms wrapping 'round my middle and pulling our chests together. His free hand on top my body pulled up my shirt just a piece like before and he began to rub my back again. The same feelings washing through me as I smiled like a fool and nuzzled my nose into his shirt making him laugh.

His nose was buried deep into my hair when he chuckled. "You are adorable..." He muttered as I giggled and shook my head. Alex let a little laugh at my protest as he kissed my hair only making me protest more. "Yes, you are so cute!"

"What are you trying to prove, Alexander?" I laughed as I pulled my head away from his chest just enough for him to look down and see my mocked glare. The boy flashing me his cheeky grin as he curled and kissed my forehead before speaking again.

"Nothing!" He popped. "I was just pointing out the fact that I have the cutest girlfriend ever!" He gushed as he untangled his hands from my body and quickly squished my cheeks between his palms. Alex not waiting a moment longer for my retaliation and placed a sloppy kiss to my lips making me fake a gag and push him off. "Stop, I'm being cute to make you laugh!" Alex whines.

"No you're being cheesy!" I giggled as I fought to pry his palms from my face but he was determined. "Lex, give it up, you're going to make me brake out!"

"Oh hush you love me!" He laughed and pulled me back into a hug with a little more trouble than the first time around given I was still squirming on the bed. He kissed my head once more when we settled back down and I rolled my eyes.

"Maybe so... But I may love clear skin just a little bit more!" I laughed as Alex scoffed and pulled me even closer, so close I could hear the beat of his heart in his chest. Even if that last factor was unintentional, I smiled to myself and wove my left arm to wrap around him whilst the other was bunched up between our two chests. My hand pressed flat against his back and I was instantly met with a kink in his muscle that made us both hiss. "Jesus, Alex!" I gasped, pulling my hand back.

He looked down on me, looking absolutely disoriented. My own expression most likely matching his and I pressed down on the muscle agai- "OW!" Alex whined quickly as he lurched backwards. "Well don't do it again!" He exclaimed in a strangled, high pitched voice that had me struggling not to laugh. Alex rolled his shoulders and grumbled some words before clearly stating, "That fucking hurt..."

"Is that a knot?" I asked, my two eyebrows meeting as one as I looked to him in awe. The boy rolling his shoulder yet again as he pouted with eyes off to the side. Alex muttered a nearly inaudible 'maybe' before I sat up slowly. He flopped to his back as I patted his shoulder and told him to get in his stomach.

"What, why?"

"Because I'm going to get that knot out of you back!" I said and patted his shoulder yet again before clambering to my knees just beside him on the bed.

"But your head-"

"Is fine!" I insisted and swatted him yet again. Alex looked at me again, clearly unsure of himself before he began to flop to his stomach with some struggle. As soon as his back and shoulders came into view I had a gentle hand on his shirt soothing the area. "Besides, it’s a distraction for the pain, which is all I really need."

"How is it that we came up here so I could tend to you, and you are now rubbing my back?" He asked as I slowly climbed onto his back and sat my hips right before his bum. My nails trailing up his covered back making him shiver from my touch.

"Well would you like me to stop?" I smirked, sliding my hands to the dips between his neck and shoulders and began to massage the tight muscles with my thumbs.

"Well, I didn't say anything about that..." Alex cooed making my smirk grow as he practically purred. I stroked his shoulders and back when I felt the bulge again and sighed to myself. I prodded around the swollen tissue gently with my thumbs but still, I could tell Alex was holding back hisses that made me feel kind of bad about hurting him.

"I'll be right back!" I suddenly said as I pressed my palms to the base of his spine and wiggled to slide down his legs. The loss of my massage making Alex whimper as he tried to twist his neck to look at me.

"Where are you going?" He whined as I rolled my eyes. I climbed off him when I reached his knees, but I was sure to smack his ass before taking off. I heard him groan loudly from the hall as I smiled and sped down the stairs. In my overnight bag I knew I had some things that I usually liked to keep on me for soccer games and tournaments. One of those things was a small tin tub of this stuff called Tiger Balm, and if you have ever been sore and used this you will know just how amazing of a miracle worker it is!

I took the wonder balm - as I liked to call it - and darted back upstairs to find Alex still sprawled flat on his stomach where I left him. Tiger Balm is this pain relieving ointment that I can only describe to be like an organic icy hot, without the extremes. I held the red and gold tin in my hand as I crawled up on the side of the bed and patted Lex's bum. "You still up?" I giggled.

"Ya-Hess!" He laughed as he tried to look back at me again with a breathy chuckle. "Why are you touching my butt so much?" He asked as I shot him a little smirk. Crawling up the bed, palm over fist till I reached his head and leaned in to give him the smallest of kisses right on his cheek. The act making him 'awe' when I pulled away and instantly rolled my eyes. "But seriously!" He called back as I slid down to climb onto his lower spinal region once again. "Why so grabby with the ass-y?"

"You've got a cute little butt..." I smirked as I fiddled the tin of Tiger Balm between my fingers and shrugged. "What more can I say, I can't keep my hands off you?" I said in a rather teasing manner.

"Did you say little?" He scoffed as I bit my lip and had to fight off my giggle. "Please, I do squats!"

"Since when!?" I laughed loudly as I could feel Alex release a long drag of a breath. I put the canister of Tiger Balm off to the side, half glad I grabbed it seeing as I couldn't very well use it if he had his shirt on. I'd say that’s one point for Gryffindor - or Jasey - same thing!

"O- Hm..." Alex hummed when his words tripped in his throat. The boy feeling my cool hands slide under his shirt and begin to bunch up the faded fabric with his help of course. But all whilst I wrangled the aging garment up his torso, Alex forced out, "Okay, maybe it was just that one time." Making me laugh. "But seriously," he quickly argued, "my ass is firm!"

"I know... You make me smack it for good luck since that one game of beer pong we won!" I laughed bitterly. Alex still wiggling as we got the shirt up to his arm pits and I knew he would most likely have to roll over to get it off. That is unless he inherited back flexibility out of nowhere.

"No... Seriously, sit on my ass and see!" He insisted as I rolled my eyes and gently tapped his bare skin.

"Whatever, just roll over if you have to in order to get your shirt off..."

"If I do will you sit on my butt after?"

I let out a sigh. "Sure Alex, if that’s what you want." The boy chuckled and I slowly rose from his back and scooted back just a bit. I was up on my knees with my hips over his rotating ones, hovering but not settled down just yet. To be honest, his shoulders weren't that tight. So I could have done fine with his shirt simply rolled up but what can I say... He's fit! Alex flopped onto his back with his shirt still bunched up as I looked down on him. "Come on, shirt off!"

He laughed. "Jasey, wow, so eager to get me out of my cloths!" Alex smirked as he sat up enough to pull the shirt over his head and toss it over to the side.

"What can I say, you look better without it." I smirked as I tried to ignore the fact my cheeks were being painted pink. Alex sat up fully and I settled down onto his hips as my knees were growing weak.

"Feisty, I like it!" He smirked before pecking a kiss to my lips. I shot him a smile upon pulling away. One of those quick flash smiles with a scrunched up face and all my teeth before I quickly shoved him back onto his spine. His head hitting the pillow with a thud. Hormones. Sorry. I looked down at the scratch marks coloring his chest and bit my lip as it sat next to a mosaic of hickeys. I was so lost in his tan canvased skin; I hadn't even noticed he picked up the tin of Tiger Balm till he was wrangling to get it open.

"What is this-"

"NO!" I snapped as I grabbed it from his hand. "This shit is amazing but it smells vial!" I explained to his blatantly shocked expression. "You don't want this opened before it has to be." And it was true. The balm had this strong odor that could clear your sinuses in seconds. It was pungent and citrusy with something I couldn't even begin to describe.

"Hm..." Alex hummed as my eyes darted to him from the tin. "I rather like the idea of this..." He said as I lofted a single brow. "Getting to have my girl give me a massage!"

I rolled my eyes before I could begin to laugh. "You're so weird!" I said. Alex looked at me and rolled his own eyes before patting my hip to signal that he was planning to flip back over. So the two of us shifted back to our places beforehand. I sat right where his back met his butt and he lied flat in his stomach, arms up with his hands folded beneath his head. I reached for the Tiger Balm and after a short little wrestle got it open.

"My God, that does smell!" Alex noted as I scooped some of the yellowy gel like balm onto two of my fingers before smearing it onto Alex's back. Oddly enough, I could feel the strong odor clearing my head, and in result seemed to lighten my dull ache. I rubbed the balm around Lex's back and could feel the substance heat up beneath my fingers. I worked out kinks in his shoulders and down his spine. Using my knuckles to rub out the ones that didn't seem to bother him to touch and took my time. How he managed to have such tightly wound muscles was beyond me. How he even managed not to weigh 3,000 pounds baffled me seeing as all he did was eat, sleep and play guitar! He wasn't like Rian or Zack who actually worked out and even then Rian still had a good amount of his baby fat. So how the few muscles he did have had managed to tangle I do not know. The only thing I could think of would be the stress from writing for their album, but he didn't seem as stressed as his body seemed to say he was. I was working my way down past his shoulder blades when Alex let out a sigh and I got even more of the balm before I moved closer to the one tightly wound muscle that had started this all.

"Tell me if it hurts..." I said softly and waited a moment more before I placed my fingers softly down by the kink and Alex instantly grew stiff and ridged making me sigh. "Lex relax, I'm not trying to hurt you but tensing up will make it worse."

"Okay sorry..." Alex said and relaxed in the slightest, but it wasn't nearly enough for me to work out the damage. If anything his stiff as a board language was only causing more. I let out a sigh and swiped the lump of balm off beside the kink so I could basically go back to it later and worked to put Alex back at ease.

I scooted back onto his butt and trailed my thumb across the dimples at the base of his spine, smiling more so to myself because, let’s be real there adorable. I could feel him get relaxed a bit but he was even stiffer now as he had no idea what I was doing, but this could work. I pressed my palms flat on his back and pushed them up spine, my hips shifting back into their previous place as my nails walked my hands up to his shoulders before coming back down to sooth his sides. It was beginning to work and I couldn't help but bite my lip at the look on Alex's face that was crooked to the side and resting in the backs of his hands. I knew it would look slightly awkward, but since no one else was here I slid my hands to his hips in a last ditch effort and leaned forward. My chest pressing against his back till my head was beside his and I took the lobe of his ear gently between my teeth and gave it a little nibble. Releasing it just as something between a sigh and a growl left Alex and I kissed his cheek.

I knew he wanted more but that wasn't exactly the reason I had come over at all so instead of egging him on even more, I sat back up and ran my hands down his spine. Collecting the Tiger Balm once again and rubbing it into the kink. He let out a hiss but quickly controlled himself as I worked the muscle out. Time passing without a single word as I continued to work in radio silence, not forcing conversation or picking small chat. The only thing filling the air being the mix of our breaths and the pungent scent of Tiger Balm. But I didn't mind, I never did really. Alex and I could always sit in comfortable silence which at first was an odd thing for me to take hold of.

Being so used to those 'okay what now' and 'oh God I gotta say something at least' thoughts, and to go to being able to sit surrounded by silence and be perfectly content was strange. But a good strange. After pulling away from the now eased knot, I worked down to his equally as tight lower spine, but even with the silence I could tell something was on his mind. He was shifty, and I mean that in the most literal sense of the term. He was literally shifting his hips and shoulders every other second or so. Like he had something to say and was about ready to pop. Or almost as if he was just itching to get out of his own skin. I knew whatever it was would surface soon enough so I slid my hands to his shoulders to calmly rub a straight line of circles down his spine and sure enough, it came out.

He shifted one last time before finally whispering out, "Do you ever think about it?" Which caused me to stop for a moment.

"Think about what?" I asked just as soft as Alex let out a long sigh and bit his lip. As if he were in a long mental debate over what was going on within his mind.

He let out another breath through his nose and opened his eyes, but they locked on the wall beside us and didn't seem to want to move. "Riley," he whispered. "Do you ever think about him, about what he did, about all of it?" He asked in a gentle tone that would seem so fragile it was just moments away from breaking and falling to the floor.

I took a deep breath as I looked down at his back as I rubbed it. I wanted to be honest with him. I shut my eyes and took a deep breath in through my nose before releasing it out my mouth and sighing. "I try not to..." I hushed. Silence falling around us as Alex tried to clear his throat as quietly as he could.

"So it never even crosses your mind?" He asked in the same soft tone. A tone that had me feeling like my original answer wasn’t enough. I bit my lip and continued to rub down his back as I thought. "How things could have all been so different for us..."

"Well I guess there are something’s that still sit in the back of my mind from time to time..." I admitted softly as I pressed the ball of my palm into his back. Rubbing it in a circular motion.

"Like what?"

"Well..." I let out a breath as I looked down on him. Not really sure where I wanted this to go, or where speaking my mind would take me. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to get a few things off my chest. "I know I was your first..." I whispered, "But, did you- uhm, want to sleep with Tammy- you know when all that was going on an-and we weren't talking?"

I took in a sharp breath after rambling my words and waited anxiously for Alex to answer. The response taking longer than usual, as if he was actually thinking about it, which in turn scared me more than a straight up answer. Because a pause could mean he's either having to think back about what he felt, which could still mean a yes, he wanted her, or he's thinking of how he can lie to me. And that stung. As if on reflex of the thought, I snapped my hands off his back and tried to keep my breathing level. This is why I never thought about these things-

"JASEY!" Alex snapped and I looked down on his back with a rush of air, "are you listening?"

"Ye- what? Y-you uh, said something?" I rambled feeling overly flustered as the throbbing in my head returned and I had a swaying urge to shut my eyes and just go to sleep.

"I said no!" Alex repeated as my eyes widened ever so slightly and I looked down on his back. Remaining completely and utterly silent till Alex let out a sigh and reached back to tap my hip. "Sit up" he muttered and I did as he said. Rising and transferring my weight to my knees as he quickly rolled onto his back.

"Alex stop," I instantly fought, "you're getting Tiger Balm all over your bed!"

"I don't care!" Alex snapped in a surprisingly gently voice as he sank to his spine, his hands moved so he forced my hips to lock back down on his. "Jasey, do you really think I would want to sleep with her?" He asked, my eyes that were on his stomach slid off to the side of the bed where they rapidly blinked. I couldn't have spoken even if I wanted to with the lump in my throat. "Jasey, look at me."

I couldn't. I don't know why but I couldn't. It was almost as though the moment I asked the question, I was brought back to that time. I was back in that place of damp darkness and I wanted out. My mind was being flooded with thoughts and feelings of all those weeks we were apart. The pain I suffered. The neglect I felt. Everything. It was all crashing down on me again and I didn't know why. All I knew was that it was terrifying to feel it all over again, now that I'm no longer in the moment. Now that I know why, and now that I know how happy I can be. I knew tears were welting up in my eyes as I thought back to the nights I lied awake in bed, and how he pushed me away when all I wanted was him close. Images of Alex looking down at his toes with tears in his eyes as he told me to go, sitting in my mind. I felt his hand on my hip again and my head snapped up and stayed to the side, eyes clamping shut as I tried not to cry. This is why I never thought about this, why I'd never let my mind take me this far. I couldn't control it.

"Say something..." He whispered, "Please, anything."

"I just don't get it, okay!" I snapped even though my voice held every emotion but the one I was attempting to convey- rage. "Everything you went through, everything all of us went through, me, Jack, Rian, everyone. Why, why was it worth it?" I trembled as I looked back down at the side of the bed. "She's so perfect and I'm so screwed up, I just don't see why you would fight so hard for something so broken..."

"Jasey..." Alex practically whimpered my name. "Will you please look at me?" My eyes only snapped to his when I heard a quiver in his tone, and sure enough he too had blood shot eyes like mine. "Jasey, I never wanted her, you know this, I did all of that so that I could have you, even if it meant I couldn't be with you physically. I don't care how damaged you think you are, because you aren't to me."

I shook my head to keep my tears at bay as I tore my eyes from his. "But you could have slept with her, could have had her all along if you wanted to." I mumbled and almost regretted it the moment his hands on my hips sharply tightened.

"But I didn't Jasey!" Alex begged as I looked up at him slowly and saw that a single tear had escaped his eye. "I didn't want her, I never did, all I want is you!" Alex cried and I reached up and wiped away his tears even though they continued to form. He too reached up and wrapped a hand around my wrist bringing me to stop all movements. His golden eyes were digging into mine with a look of sheer desperation, as if he was begging me to listen- to understand something I wasn't. "I know what happened hurt you Jasey," he whispered with shaky words, "but did you ever think of how that whole charade affected me?"

My lower lip pulled up between my teeth as I finally knew what that hidden glimmer was in his eyes. It was me, us. It was all of it. It was the pain I caused and the destruction I left. It was the childhood memories, and the good times. It was joy and laughter as well as the suffering. It was early mornings and sleepless nights. It was the desperation to get me and the fear of keeping me and a constant storm cloud of battles. It was rage and it was love. It was everything I caused and everything I never knew.

His hand tightened on my wrist. "Do you know how bad that whole thing hurt for me, Jasey?" He asked in a new fight not to cry as I shook my head. "I knew exactly what was going on, I knew why I had to do every little thing I did and I had to sit on the side and watch you crumble in complete darkness. I watched your hatred for me grow, watched your anger bubble. The way you hated me even though you wanted me back, because every time you tried to talk to me about it I could see your real emotions in your eyes."

"'Lex..."

"None of you even saw the damage it was doing to me. The way I would sit up at night and try and find ways to tell you and keep you safe. The way I would lie in bed and want you there, with me." He whispered as his grip slightly lightened and his eyes softened. "All these feeling I have for you now, they didn't just come out of nowhere one day, I've had them slowly building up since the moment you gave me my first kiss."

"I know..." I mumbled with a trembling lip.

"So do you understand how painful even just kissing Tammy really was for me?" Alex pleaded as I shut my eyes. "Jasey, I showed up at your house that day after the whole Myspace, photo thing because I needed to see you." I bit my lip as I clamped my eyes shut even tighter so not to cry. "I needed to hold you in my arms for even a split second if you'd let me, I needed to see you, and I needed to kiss you. To feel your lips on mine to wipe the thought of Tammy away, to remind myself as to why exactly I was doing it at all."

"Why did you?" I choked as I finally opened my eyes. "Why didn't you just tell me, or even just tell her to fuck herself, we could have been together from the start..."

"Jasey, they wanted to hurt you." Alex said as he pulled his hand from my wrist and used both to cup my face. "I wasn't going to risk it." He whispered as he looked at me. "I love you so much. I was so willing to do whatever it took to keep you safe, I didn't even realize the cost, not until that day after the Myspace incident."

"Why is that day so important?" I whimpered, practically inaudible to the ear.

"Because it was the day things changed, whether you knew it or not." Alex whispered as he slid a hand up to brush fallen hairs off my face. "When I kissed you that day, something inside me changed. It wasn't like our other kisses. It wasn't drunk or silly or any of that, it was raw and real. Jasey, I kissed you looking for something to keep me fighting, and without even knowing it, you showed me you loved me before either of us even knew what love was."

"How...?"

"I kissed you, you should have pushed me away, slapped me even, but you didn't, you didn't even hold back. You leaned into me as I pulled you close and you showed me what true sacrifice felt like. I knew it before the kiss. Just the way your hand slid perfectly in mine..." He trailed off as he made a note to lower his hands from my face and use a single one to inter lock with my own. "You asked me why, why I was doing the things I was and why I couldn't tell you..."

"And you told me it was 'a sacrifice you were too willing to take'." I recalled with a small smile on my face as Alex nodded his head.

"I didn't know it was love then," Alex said with a shake of the head. "All I knew was that you made me feel something that I have never felt with anyone else. And you could make me feel it without even touching me, and I knew nothing else was worth fighting for."

"But things didn't change after that, Alex?" I mumbled, "that went on for weeks, then my birthday party and-"

"Don't." Alex breathed as he slid his hands to my hips and softly rolled the bones over with his thumbs. "But after that, I went to Duncan's, with intentions to tell you, to end it. And then I tried to again at you and Rian's party, and then after what Riley did..." Alex paused as I bit my quivering lip. "I knew it all needed to end, because I couldn't fight anymore, all I wanted was to be with you..."

"Well you have me now..." I mumbled as Alex nodded his head and pulled me lightly to lie down on him. And I wasn't going to fight. I was so tired, emotionally and physically, my head hurt my body ached and I simply collapsed onto Alex. One of his hands was on my ass where my back pocket usually would be and the other was calmly stoking my back. I could hear his heart pound out of his chest as I lay my cheek to his skin with a weak sigh and felt the warmth radiate off of him.

I wasn't expecting our conversation to take that drastic and dramatic of a turn, but maybe in the end it was a good thing it did because oddly enough, I felt a lot closer to him now than before. Like there was this protective wall up from previous pain that was knocked down. And I honestly had never thought before then how all of what happened could have affected Alex, even after I knew it wasn't his preferred doing. But I think it was some of the things Alex said at the very end that caught me. How emotional he was when he talked about how head first he fell. It was strange because for me, it was always there and I was just clueless until Alex forced me to acknowledge that feelings were there, and that was when I accepted them and let them in. But for him, he wasn't as blind, he knew they were there, and I just couldn't contain myself.

"Does it scare you?" I asked softly, breaking our silence before biting my lip.

"Does what scare me?" He asked as he took a soft hold on my hips and pushed us so we both lay on our sides facing one another with our legs a tangled mess.

I used the change as a stalling method as I shifted on the bed sheets and moved farther and closer to Alex as silence enveloped us before I sighed. "Being in love, does it scare you?" I heard his breath waver, but not enough to quite catch as he sat in silence. The only sound being the rustling of sheets as he wiggled his arm between me and the mattress to pull me into a hug. He seemed almost taken back by my question as he took his time, so I decided to step up. "Because it terrifies me."

I know now that my confession was what really caught him off guard by the fact that he pulled his head away and looked down on my when I fell quickly quiet. "What are you afraid of?" He asked softly as I bit my lip and looked up into his big loving eyes.

I wanted to say what scared me; I wanted to say everything did. I wanted to say I was absolutely petrified by everything I don't know and everything that has yet to happen. But of course that’s not what I said; instead I began to paint a painful picture. "Alex, do you know how my parents met?" I asked as my chest began to vibrate as it always did with nerves.

He looked puzzled, absolutely bewildered as he looked down on me and crooked a brow. "There was a mix up with the dry cleaners, righ-"

"No, not Julie and my dad," I whispered as I looked down at his bare chest. "My dad an- uh and my biological mother..."

"Oh..." Alex hushed as I could feel my lip begin to tremble and I bit down on it hard. The boy's hand was rubbing circles still on my spine as he tried to coax my eyes into meeting his but I couldn't as those golden eyes of his made me weak. "Jasey," he whispered, "how did they meet?"

My lip slipped from my teeth as I trembled and I knew Alex could see as he pulled a hand to my cheek. "They were high-school sweethearts..." I forced out before a sob stabbed my throat and Alex's strong arms pulled my body flush against his own as I began to cry. All these emotions were fucking killing me, what the hell. He tried to calm me down as he hushed sweet nothings in my ear but I wouldn't have it. "I don't want to be like them, Alex!" I sobbed as he took a hold of my jaw and pulled my head from his neck to force me to look into his eyes.

Even though I could feel the rage in his grip I knew it wasn't directed at me as his eyes were gentle and soft while still demanding. "Jasey, listen to me." He said as I blinked a few quick times and tried to hold back my sobs. My efforts seeming meek in that tears still rolled down my cheeks in streams. "We are not, nor will we ever be like them, do you hear me?"

I shut my eyes again as a ripple ran through me. "But Alex, they always say that high-school flings don't last because people grow up and they grow apart, and I don't want that!" I cried as Alex's whole body softened. "You have always been a constant in my life and I don't want to lose you... I- I-" I cried as I tried to force the words past my swollen throat but it wasn't working. I coughed through a sob and looked at his chest. "I'm in love with you."

Alex stopped for a moment as he held me with a tender touch. Taking in the fact that since the original time I said it, this was the first time I had actually initiated saying 'I love you'. It was always he who said it first and for some reason I felt I needed to right then. Alex shook his head as he pulled me tight against him. "Jasey we will never be like them..." He cooed. "We aren't just a high-school fling okay, please believe me!"

"How can you be so sure?" I cried.

"Because look at all we have been through!" Alex exclaimed as I choked down my exaggerated sobs to try and listen to him. "High-school sweethearts don't go through any of the things we have, a high school fling is just that, a fling, they don't tackle the hard shit and that’s why they fail! Jasey, don't you see?" He expressed as I cried softly into his chest. He pulled my head close into his chest and told me to shut my eyes. Doing so, I snuggled into his bare skin as I felt his rough hands gently stroke my back. "Jase, just think about this, we started out as childhood friends. You were my first real friend in America, before Jack, before Rian even, it was you. You were my first kiss but back then it was nothing more." I didn't really know where he was going with this but I was too weak to stop him so he just went on.

"We both had cooties and it was no big deal, we didn't have to worry about things like dating, or labels, or prom, or relationships, fights, work, collage, sex, none of that, we were just kids!" Alex said as I kept my eyes shut and took a deep - shaky - breath. "But as we got older of course things started to change, Rian and I got closer and Jack came into view but of course you were always there!" He said almost making me roll my closed eyes. "But one day I stopped seeing you as Jasey, Rian's sister and you were just... Jasey. But then other things started to changed, I would see you and instead of thinking 'oh she looks nice' or nothing at all I would think 'she looks cute today' and then cute turned to pretty and I just remember one day, thinking, 'my God, she’s beautiful!"

I smiled against his skin as I blushed profusely and tried to hide my head. Mumbling something along the lines of, "such a cheese" which was ignored anyway.

"Oh course Rian thought it was disgusting that I thought you cute so I rather tried to keep my thoughts to myself when around the guys." He carried on without a thought of my remark. "And then came middle school!" He chuckled as I blushed yet again. "Hormones came into play and I was just a mess!" He laughed as I began to giggle, "Just pimples and hair dye everywhere, I was changing, voices were cracking, you were starting to, well - mature, and everything you did gave me a fucking boner, I swear!"

"Oh, my God..."

"It's true!" He laughed, "But what can I say, I mean I liked you and I was a horny ass teenage boy! The problem is you still cause that same issue and I don't really have anything to blame it on anymore..."

"Alex!" I laughed into a gasp despite the way my voice sounded rather raw as I titled my head up and giggled in the crook of the neck. The singer letting out a chuckle of his own as I wiggle my arms around his neck and began to settle back down.

"Well with that aside, I think next came the eighth grade. We were the big shots in the middle school and we thought we were totally cool and I guess that was kind of when everyone started getting into their little relationships." He laughed. "Jack and I had begun to mess around with the band by then and even though it was just the two of us, the ladies dug it. But Jack was really the only one to dip into that seeing as Rian practically made a no one touches his sister law and no one else really interested me... So I just didn't. I thought I would have time."

His words began to sink in and I bit my lip as I burrowed into his neck having a pretty good idea of what he was about to say next. And he started it with a deep breath. "Then of course, you moved away..." He said, dropping it like a bomb as I nearly physically flinched. "I'm not trying to make you feel bad or anything, but the only way I could describe what went through me when Rian explained to me that you had gone was that it felt as though the floor was ripped out beneath my feet!" He mumbled as he took a staggered breath. "I'm not going to lie to you, that first week was the worst, but that very first night of knowing you were gone was the most gut wrenching thing to this day. I was bellyaching like a baby, I was screaming at nothing, throwing things, ripping photos, taping them back together, curling up in a ball on the floor, I covered the patch on my door with a poster 'cause I couldn't look at it. Uh, I cuddled my pillow a lot but it was mostly tears, lots and lots of tears."

I opened my eyes when he began to fall silent. Looking up I could see tears brimming his eyes that I knew he was trying to hide by the way be took a deep breath and blew it out whilst shutting his eyes. His hands slid to my hips while mine his jaw and I held his forehead against mine.

"Just felt so small," he said, "I was just so absolutely blindsided and shattered I didn't even know how to handle myself. I think after a few days, a week maybe, Jack was beginning to accept that you were gone, Zack had just begun to join the group and didn't really know you and I think Rian had been accepting it for a while since he had known the whole time but he still hurt. But me, I was just a fucking wreck. Half the summer was spent in my room. They had to force me to get up and shower and just do things I was so emotionally just - not there! And I think that was when I sort of began to realize that I didn't see you the way the other guys did, that you were different."

"I'm sorry I put you through that..." I mumbled. Alex shifted slightly on the bed so his body was closer to mine. His head lifting and kissing my temple before he snuggled back down.

"It's alright," he said, "because believe it or not, the day you came back was one of the best I've ever had..."

"But I was a bitch..." I said sadly as I looked down at his chest.

"It didn't matter." He told me quickly. "All I cared about was that you were actually here, that I had a chance to mend the things I had torn and put myself back together because God only knows I'm a terrible actor." He said making a sad smile form on my lips. "I know it wasn't the picture perfect reunion that I may have been hoping for, but I did get that eventually." He told me. "I know we had sort of mended things before but I think I truly had you back after the show at the bar..."

"The one I ran out on." I mumbled my clarification as Alex laughed softly and ran a hand through my hair. "I just wish I did things differently you know?" I whispered as I looked down at Alex's bare chest and watched carefully as it rose and fell against my hand that lay flat against it.

"What do you mean?" Alex asked as I shut my eyes and took a deep breath in. This was something I thought about often but never quite actually voiced to anyone besides Marc, and I never actually thought I would.

I could feel my heart palpitating against my chest, and the sensation of my ribcage quivering when I released my breath. "Well, I can't honestly say that I think I would ever have changed my mind about leaving, but after coming back..." I said softly as my voice trailed off in the slightest and I felt Alex's comforting hand on my arm. "You were right..." I mumbled, "I should have just listened to you from the start, maybe- maybe things would have been different."

"Oh, Jasey no!" Alex cooed in that classic tone used when someone is feels wrongfully at fault, only I wasn't. I shook my head when he pulled me close onto his chest.

"I should have heard you out, I should have listened." I trembled, unable to control the hand that hooked around his front and latched onto the curve of his side for support. "Because maybe if I had, maybe if I didn't pushed you away like I had, I would have been with you at that Halloween party and not Riley!"

"But Jasey, you can't change what has already happened!" Alex tried to assure me as he kissed my hair and rubbed my arm for that extra measure. But it wasn't of any actual use.

"It doesn't change the fact I still think about it and regret it, Alex!" I whimpered as I crooked my face in order to muffle the fact I was crumbling yet again. "Everything would have been different had I not pushed you away, I would have been by your side, not his-"

"Jasey stop, okay?" Alex cut ad my head snapped away from his skin and I looked at him through blurred eyes. "Can I tell you something that will lead the something I don't think I have ever actually explained before?" He asked as he pulled slightly back and looked up into my eyes with an unreadable expression. "It might upset you at first, but I can promise that there is a light at the end of the tunnel!" He rushed with a cheeky little smirk that had me smiling myself as I pulled my lip between my teeth and nodded. But all too soon his smile fell and he looked down at the space between us and sighed. "That night, when you came in and saw me kissing Tammy, how did you feel?"

"What!?"

"Yes..." Alex said, "I want you to explain to me how seeing that made you feel, what thoughts and emotions you went through, walk me through it."

I too looked down and blew out a long ragged breath as I thought. "I felt stripped..." I whispered and Alex hummed, as if asking for more. "It felt as though my entire mental image of you had been ripped away from me." I explained. "I was mad mostly. I was infuriated that you were so quick to turn your back on me. I was pissed and ticked off because I was running to you for comfort and found anything but. Only after the rage began to wear off, there were a lot of tears, I was with Matt at that point and even he didn't know what to do. I was just torn, I hated you but I was sobbing because I wanted you to be the one holding me. It was all just so confusing and all I knew was that I had this overwhelming sense of regret inside me. It was almost as though the little girl in my mind was screaming that it should have been me on our lap and not her!"

"Why?"

"Huh?" My head shot back as I fumbled a bit over Alex's loan remark. "Wh- uh, well because I was jealous!" I offered with a tone that told Alex he should have known the answer as it was the most obvious thing in the word. "I had just fled from Riley because I had our one kiss in mind and it all felt so wrong, and I ran downstairs and found you with- her!" I nearly stopped right there when my voice broke at my final word. Only I knew it was too late to turn around now. "I was jealous, because I was watching the way you held her and the way you two kissed and thought that I would never have you, that I was a onetime thing you had already forgotten, and I hated it."

Alex took a few low calming breaths as he trailed a hand through my hair before asking, "Do you know why I kissed her?" Which had me baffled.

I snapped my head back even more and looked him curiously in the eye. "What- no?" I sputtered. "Why would it matter?"

"Because I only did it to make you jealous!" Alex snapped and instantly slapped a hand to his head.

"What?"

"Yes, okay, I kissed Tammy because I was fucking jealous, so it turns out we may both be at fault!" Alex explained as a hand of my own slid over my mouth. There was no fucking way. How could I have gone this long without ever hearing any bit of Alex's side to these stories.

"What were you jealous of?" I asked carefully as I blinked my eyes. Unable to believe that I had walked around for so damn long marching to the best of my one manned pity parade when Alex was going through just as much.

"You and Riley of course..." He said slowly. "All that rage I had inside me from when I was spit balling you about never going near him or Colton, it wasn't even because I thought they would do anything like they actually did! They didn't have records of doing any of that to girls, it was just all this built up jealousy from not having you all those years since like the fifth grade!" Alex explained as he appeared to grow more and more agitated with himself. "It was out if jealousy, cold, hard, jealousy! I wanted to be the one that you called when you were upset, the one to hold you when you're scared and wipe your tears when you cry. I wanted to be the shoulder you would lean your head on in a movie theater, the one to hold your hand and the one to sneak through your bedroom window at night! But seeing Riley lead you upstairs, as you smiled at him..."

"But why Tammy?" I asked as I ran a hand over my tired face.

"Because she was the closest..." He muttered before shaking his head. "I wasn't thinking, all I knew was that I was infuriated and I wanted you to feel what I felt. I didn't think how it would come across, or what Riley was planning, I just wanted you to feel what I felt seeing you walk away with another man, it hurt me, and it hurt way more than I thought it would..."

"Why did you never say anything to me?" I asked softly and Alex looked up into my eyes and sighed. He knew what I meant. He knew I wasn't asking on the grounds of jealousy, I was asking about his feelings. I know I was in no place to judge, but in my defense, I was in the dark when it came to any form of connection between us. But Alex, Alex is just the type of person that falls head first into something without a second thought. Be it the band, a song, a video game, or even a person, he dives in and is the type of person to leave his heart on his sleeve not bottled up inside for years on end.

"Because I was scared..." Alex told me before directly disconnecting our gaze. Though he didn't cut me off all together as he looked down at my hand on his chest and reached to play with my fingers. "I didn't know what I was feeling, and I didn't know if you felt the same way, I was just terrified of losing you... So to answer your original question, yes. I'm petrified of being in love with you because I know just how much control you have over me. Every single day you bury your roots deeper and deeper into my heart and grow even more important to me. I love you, but that fact scares me more than anything in this world because what it really means is that you have the power to snap me like a twig the moment you feel like it."

I took in Alex's words and nodded my head before looking up at him. "I feel like your forgetting one major fact of that fear, Alex..." I said as he looked down on me and ran his hand through my hair gently. His eyebrows pushed together and he tried to examine my eyes. The space between us felt oddly at ease and somewhere down the line my headache called it quits. But the feeling of Alex's fingers tangling in my hair still made me weak in the knees and my gut kink. I looked down at his soft plump lips and smiled sadly before I glanced back up at his eyes, "I love you too, and you could break me just as fast..." I whispered before leaning in and connecting our lips.

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