No Pads… No Helmets… Just Memories!

I was abruptly awoken by the barking of my alarm. It was 5 am on a Wednesday. I was not physically, nor mentally ready to be up at that hour but there I was, up and awake. I didn’t have to be up at 5 but I liked to shower before my dad, Rian showers at night but I liked to take my time getting ready because I often got distracted. I rolled out of bed and stumbled to the other side of the room quickly flicking the button on the alarm to the clock position silencing its shrilling sounds. I threw on my bunny slippers that I loved and shuffled into the bathroom. Turning on the shower and letting it run for a moment to let the water heat up I looked at myself in the mirror; I looked like shit. I had dark circles under my eyes probably because I hadn’t slept well after the second night back here and any possible color I should have had from the summer was nowhere to be found. I rubbed my hands over my face hesitantly stripping of my pajamas and stepping into the warm water as I was engulfed in the steam. I loved showers, I liked just standing there as the water ran over me and I could wipe off my face and clean the world out of my hair as if all my problems got washed down the drain. I always felt better after I showered. I felt clean, like a fresh person. I knew it was weird but that was how I felt. Showers made me feel better. I climbed out of the shower quickly drying off my body and ruffling the towel over my damp hair before wrapping it around my body and made my way back to my bedroom holding it in place to be careful not to let the towel fall. I threw on a bra and panties and slipped into a pair of light wash jean shorts because it was still nice out and threw on a tee shirt making my way over to my desk to apply the sparing amount of makeup as usual. The rest of that week had gone by boring and slow, I finished unpacking and spent some time with my dad and Julie, majority of the week was spent with Cass trying to find an outfit for the first day, which she should have known I would totally disregard anyway. I ran a brush through my hair transforming my moist beachy waves to stick straight strands leaving water streaks down by back as I stood to finish getting ready; I walked over to the mirror and looked at my pale figure before me.

Cass had picked out this pretty skirt with a gray sweater I was supposed to wear and looking down at me now I couldn’t help but laugh picturing her already frowning face. I was wearing a worn navy “Taking Back Sunday” shirt which blue had faded to a softer hue and its dusty yellow lettering could still be easily made out. I had on my denim shorts and had slipped on a light gray zip-up hoodie. I let out an internal grumble sitting down on my bed sliding my feet into my old plain black and white high top converse and cursed myself for not buying a new pair to replace the ratty ones now on my feet. I ran my hands through my hair and let the ends fall down to the small of my back and pushed myself off the bed. Reaching for my phone, I ripped it off the charger and slid it into my back pocket. I quietly slid out into the hallway and could hear Rian groaning as his alarm clock begins to go off, I giggle to myself and think about how much I actually did miss having Rian around. As I pass his door I let my knuckles graze the white painted wood with a light knock telling sleeping beauty he better get moving or he’d be late. I skip down the steps and into the halfway that leads to the kitchen.

“Hey darlin” Julie chimed standing behind the island with her reading glasses resting on the bridge of her nose and her thin robe wrapped around her body.

“Hey!” I croaked out in an oddly raspy voice seeing it was my first time using my voice for the day and cleared my throat sitting at the island across from my smiling mom.

“Since I'm like the greatest mom ever and I wake up at 5:30 for you buggers I even made you two eggs and toast!” she said nodding her head behind her to two plates each possessing two slices of toasted bread and a large plate sitting on the oven top with enough eggs for the four of us in the house to share.

I slid around the counter planting a light kiss on my mom’s cheek before grabbing a plate and loading it with the desired amount of food knowing by lunch time today my stomach will want to digest itself and sitting beside her on a bar stool.

“Whatchya reading?” I asked placing my chin over her shoulder looking down on the paper she held in her small boney hands as I chewed on a bite of the toast.

“The paper!” she chimed mocking my tone as I patter her back trotting over to the fridge to pour myself a glass of juice.

“Well I could see that much!” I laughed shoveling another fork full of breakfast into my mouth before leaning back against the counter beside the oven and taking a swig of orange juice to wash down the food.

“Are you going to get a ride from Rian or did you want me to drop you off so you can get familiar with the highschool for a while?” she asked turning around to look at me over the fine rim of her glasses.

“Actually I was planning on walking with Marc” I told her and a light smile played across her lips, Marc had come over a few times with Rian or with the whole group and if Alex was included and he knew I would be locked away in my room he never failed to find me and send a smile my way, and I think Julie was noticing Marc and I’s blossoming friendship.

I propped myself up on the counter top completely as my dad shuffled down the hall and peering at us from the doorway. I lifted my head from my plate that now sat in my lap before giving him a light awkward wave as I shoveled another fork full into my mouth. I let a light laugh fall from my lips as he passed patting my head on his way to pour himself some coffee.

“Hey kiddo, you excited to be back in school?” he managed, with a, groggy voice from just waking up.

“Eh” I shrugged finishing the food that was in my mouth before fully answering, “It’s whatever I mean schools school but it’s nice being back.”

He looked over at me and gave a light smile that I was being more of my old self and not swimming in a endless pool of self-pity and feeling like the whole world was against me like I would have been before I left. “So you’re gonna walk with Marc? Too eager to wait for stew brain ay?” he laughed meaning Rian.

“Yeah.” I smiled letting a light chuckle slip through. I can drive and I usually would have planned on hitching a ride with Rian, but he was just beginning to get ready and I had grown quite fond of Marc over this past week, he was fun and easy to talk to and he didn't bug me about Alex which was nice, and better more, he didn't know about my mom, it was like a fresh start. So walking with him would be a nice fresh breath of air.

I let my smile grow wider at the mere thought when there was a buzzing against my butt followed by the chime of the doorbell. I all but slid my plate from my lap directly into the sink, kissed my parents cheeks and slid across the island dashing for the door. I ran into the small mud room grabbing my schedule off the printer being careful to grab the right one and darted back towards the front door. I let out a light wave at my mom as she lectured me on not crawling over the island as I grabbed my maroon bag slinging it over my shoulders. I skipped out onto the porch greeted by a smiling Marc. He looked happy to see me as he greeted me with large full eyes and full toothed grin.

“Hey fletcher” I cheered closing the door behind me as I stepped into the cool September morning.

“Hey Dawson!” he chimed right back, “you ready for this?” he asked raising his eye brows.

“Ready as I’ll ever be!” I laughed throwing my hands in the air as I hoped down the steps and Marc followed after me.

As we walked we chatted a bit and talked about how we both dreaded going back to school and would much rather stay in bed all day eating. We laughed about how Cass would be mad at me for disregarding her outfit and Marc even went through my schedule because he was a senior allowing him to truthfully tell me who were the hard-asses and who of my teachers were actually nice. He went through almost all of them aside from the art teacher and a few of my study halls and even though he said most of them where “rad” I’d probably hate them anyway. Not because I was just a bratty teen and wanted to hate anyone who tried to converse with me in the early hours of the morning, but because school was one of those things that I dreaded more than the average bear. I never had a good school life so I never anticipated this year, or any other to be any different. You go through school from ages 4 to 18 only to go to college, then to get spit out into the real world, and not know a thing about life, but you can solve for the value of A,B,C,D,XYZ nine thousand three hundred different ways, but no math class taught you how to do your taxes, or pay bills, you know things of actual importance in life. The whole thing seemed idiotic to me and I never fathomed the idea of people enjoying going to that brick hell-hole. But I had to go, and I had to do well if I wanted to get into a good art school and do something I enjoy in life. If I wanted to be on the soccer team, try outs where now one day away and I was ready. Marc was going to be on the Lacrosse team again and I told him I’d go to his games if he came to mine and id make sure the whole gang came to and we agreed on it. We talked a little more about random things like music, and bands, and classes till we reached the brick building. Cutting across the senior parking lot being careful not to get killed by those who really shouldn’t have gotten their licenses and approached the school, Dulaney High School was exactly the same as my freshman orientation which I really didn’t need to go to, a long brick building with a courtyard and long glass windowed corridors that lead from one section of the school to the next in some parts. We entered the building and I told Marc id be fine finding my locker and he could go off down the senior halls, I was lying but I’d survive the schools not that big or hard to navigate and on that we parted ways. After dodging through the sea of screaming girls who were acting like they didn’t see each other in 900 years when they were all probably together last night and maneuvered down a few banks of junior lockers until I located mine. I was going through my schedule putting any of the binders id packed but didn't need in it I was nearly decapitated by the locker door slamming shut.

“Hey, what the hell!” I yelled.

“Jasey Chill!” Matt laughed. I hadn’t actually seen Matt since the movies at Jack’s and I jumped into his open arms yelling his name feeling like the world’s largest asshole for mocking every other girl on the face of the planet at the time, but we all do it. I didn’t care. In my defense I actually hadn’t seen him in at least a week and that’s not including the two years prior.

“Find your locker okay?” he asked placing my small frame back on the ground laughing.

“Yeah actually I did!” I told him “I got a bit lost but now that I know where it is I think I’ll be okay!”

“What’s your first period?” he asked grabbing the schedule from my loose grip.

“I think its Math with Ms. Aikman” I said shifting onto my toes to see onto the paper. Matt wasn’t even all that tall but to my short stature he was still a ways above me.

“She can be a hard ass but she cracks good jokes, you’ll like her class, she makes you work but never checks homework, she thinks that if you don’t do homework and fail then that’s your fault, but you will be fine.” He informed me. “Why are you taking Calculus?”

“I don’t know” I said looking down at my feet. “Math is just easy for me.”

It was match was by far my favorite subject; everything’s just easy in math. There’s a reason why every answer is the answer, there’s set guidelines and rules and theorems. There are no analogies, or history, or interpretations to be made, there is a right and a wrong answer and that’s it, no gray areas for contemplation or discussion just clear cut answers. Something that’s nearly impossible in the real world. It was like my little geeky safety net.

“Yeah she’s a rad teacher, I had her for pre calc last year but I got Mr. Butler this year who’s a real stick in the mud I heard.” He laughed scanning over my schedule again as his phone buzzed in his pocket and he slipped it out scanning his eyes over the screen.

“What is it?” I asked.

“Um nothing, everyone else is at the other end of the junior connector by C wing which is actually where your math class is!” he explained picking his bag up off the ground and throwing a single strap onto his shoulder.

“Um what’s the junior connector?” I asked foolishly.

“Um the hallway your standing in, its only junior locker’s here and it is a connector from that side of the school to that one!” he said pointing to the two ends of the hall we stood in as he spoke and I felt my face grow red, I'm such an idiot.

He wrapped his arm over my shoulders placing a firm grip on them as he guided me down the hallway towards the opposite end we stood at. As we approached a small group of familiar faces that where clustered against the lockers.

“Hey thanks for waiting for me!” Rian sarcastically yelled pushing himself off the bank of lockers on the other side of the hall from where mine was. As he moved to greet his friends beyond him I saw Cass shifting to her locker but to get to her I would have to pass Alex himself who was doing the same.

I kept my head down as I passed him to get to Cass but after I passed I could feel him turning to look at me, but just for a moment and thankfully not saying anything. I hadn’t heard or seen him since my first day back, he came over for band practice but Zack always showed up first later to be followed by Jack and Alex and I knew to leave. I tapped on Cass’s shoulder and her eyes peeled from the contents of the small metal rectangle and switched to me. He smile soon Faded when her eyes rolled from my face to my outfit, and she let out a small sigh looking back up at me shooting me a look that read “Really Jasey, really?” I smiled shrugging my shoulders at her and pulled her into a hug. We pulled back and she gave me the same look again shaking her head at me.

“What did you really think I would wear a skirt the whole day!” I whined as we walked over to the others who had clustered around some of the lockers.

“Yes I did!” she whined right back, “I wanted you to look dazzling on your first day back!”

“Dazzling really Cass?” I laughed at her as we joined the circle.

“I think she looks fine Cass.” Alex mumbled leaning against the lockers as she shot him a look.

I felt uncomfortable and shoved my hands into the pockets of my hoodie staring at my feet while the group buzzed around me. I felt Alex’s eyes on me, like he wanted me to accept his so called compliment or forgive him now that we were forced to be social around each other, but I kept my head down not saying a word. The day hadn’t even started and I already wanted it to be over, I was already feeling my excitement being drained from me from the slightest bit of social interaction. I liked being alone most of the time. I liked leaving school when I was in Washington knowing I was leaving to an empty house for a few hours aloud to roll around, listen to music way to loud, and do nothing. I liked my, “me time”, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I didn’t have to be social if I didn’t want to. I stood there while the group around me talked and blabbered for what felt like forever. I was about to just walk away and go sit alone in the gym when the bell rang, finally. “Crap I forgot my science folder, Jasey wait for me to go to my locker!” Cass yelled dragging me the few feet to her locker in the opposite direction to my class which was located in, I remember, C wing. I waited the brief moment for my brown haired friend and she cheerfully closed the locker door clicking the lock shut, bidding her fair well and scampering off in the other direction. Cool. There was totally a point to me standing there for moral support. I shook my head at my friend and turned to walk in the direction of my desired destination and found the class

I meandered into the classroom standing in the doorway. The desks were all separated lined up in orderly rows. I quickly scanned the back row searching hopefully for an empty seat. My eyes rolled over every head some looking back at me and some not even noticing my presence in the door. My eyes rolled to the farthest back corner of the room to see Alex Gaskarth slouched over his desk frantically scribbling in a worn notebook. I quickly bit the inside of my bottom lip chewing on it to keep the groan of distress that harvested inside me from slipping out. What was he even doing in this class, Alex isn’t smart! There was an open desk right next to the window in front of him but there was no way. “Excuse me Ms. are you going to take a seat or just stare for the next hour?” a voice said and the class erupted into a fit of giggles. I turned my head in the direction the voice came from and was met by a short lady, much older in age then I would have thought. She spoke with a thick Italian accent and looked at me through small oval glasses. She had wire like chopped gray hair that sat on top of her small head. I'm short and even I had a few inches on her, I wouldn’t be surprised if the little old lady was barley 4’11”.

“Oh um yeah sorry.” I managed flustered by her briskness.

I forced a slight smile and a light laugh and walked up along the wall folding my schedule and shoving it in my back pocket as I made my way to the open seat in the third row of desks taking the seat on the end beside the white brick wall. My eyes flickered up from my desk and to my right and were instantly met by the smiling eyes of another girl who was sitting next to me. She had light tanned skin and large olive colored eyes, and her hair was a beautiful shade of light auburn, she was so pretty it almost hurt. My glare registered in her eyes and a toothy grin exposed her pearly mile. I was torn from my thoughts when the bell chimed over the loud speaker and a voice rang out.

“Good morning Dulaney High School!” the voice rang as the class groaned and the teacher took a seat at her desk behind her computer. “This is your principal Ms. Whitlock speaking and I would just like to personally say hello to all new and returning students, today does mark the official first day of the school year. And I'm sure this will be the best year at Dulaney in history!” yeah okay. “Tomorrow after school our sports tryouts will be held, so I hope to see everyone participating if they can…” blah blah blah. she groaned on. I listened to the information about soccer before slipping away from caring and grabbed my old sketchbook I flipped to the last page I left off and continued to work on a drawing of two birch trees I had started. Trees were some of the only things I drew, they were the only things that sat long enough for me to catch every detail, they didn’t talk back, or complain, they didn’t give you shit if the drawing sucked, so I had no reason not to. Ms. Aikman began to call attendance and after I corrected her from pronouncing my name “Jazzy” all year and informing her it’s like the name Casey but with a “J” I zoned back out and she lost me, after attendance was called the little woman wandered to the board and began to start her lecture on the rules of the classroom or whatever and I felt a finger tapping my elbow that was supporting my head. I looked over to see the girl with the olive brown eyes smiling at me,

“Hey I'm Andrea De La Cruz” she chimed.

“Hey” I nodded slightly raising my hand in an awkward motionless wave, “Names Jasey.”

“I know, I heard!” she smiled, “I love your drawing!”

“Oh uh thanks!” I said and she shot me another smile returning to her attention to the rambling teacher. She was nice enough; I could deal with sitting next to her all year. I don’t know why I was being so brusque towards her I was never the shy type before I left; maybe it was just that I was uneasy with not knowing who knew what about me. She didn’t act like she knew anything about me so I had no reason to hate her.

Ms. A droned on for the next 40 minutes or so as I absentmindedly doodled in the sketch book, occasionally looking up and copying a few notes from the board into a normal notebook before returning to my sketch. I repeated this never raising my hand or looking around. I sat silently bouncing my knee and tapping the end of my pencil on the desk eyeing the sketch, moving only to tuck small portions of my hair behind my ear that had fallen. My attention was pulled upward when the background noise from the teacher came to a halt and I looked up, following her eyes to the clock, only ten more minutes till I could leave for my next class. It was silent for a moment every set of eyes in the room on the teacher who had randomly stopped teaching and was mowing over a thought until she spoke.

"You know what, it’s the first day, more than half of you aren’t even paying attention, you have ten minutes left, just do whatever but don't make a lot of noise or you can sit in silence." She warned and putted to her desk as everyone around me busted into conversation. I reached into my bag that was resting on the ground beside me and pulled out my head phones and iPod. Sheepishly I slouched down further into my seat and tucked my knees up to my chest on the chair plugging in my head phones, turning on my music. I fiddled with the lose string on the end of my hoodie's sleeve and hopelessly waited for the bell to ring and free me from this room when I looked up to see Alex standing before me shuffling from foot to foot looking down at his moving feet. He could have been standing there for the past few minutes for all I knew not making a sound.

"Hi?" I said almost questionably as the word fell from my mouth and I slowly pulled one head phone from my ear at a time and returned my feet to the floor.

"Hey." He shyly said not meeting my gaze.

For a moment he said nothing just looked down at his feet and my eyes shifted around us throughout the room, no one had paid any attention to the boy silently standing before me, but it also meant I couldn’t shoot someone a look to get me out of talking to him, I wasn’t quite done my second song so no more than 5 minutes could have past. How long could five minutes really be? Maybe I can just wait it out and leave. I looked back up at Alex who had shifted his eyes from the floor to the desk, specifically my drawing. Quickly I tucked my arm over the book pulling it closer to me like a small child protecting a quiz so not to be cheated off of and I pulled the book into my lap.

"Hey it’s a nice drawing." He muttered.

I said not a word but looked up at him through thick lashes and proceeded to close the sketchbook shoving it into my bag with the rest of my notebooks. He sat down at the desk in front of my pulling the chair out and sitting in it backwards looking right at me as I fiddled with a rip in my shorts not wanting to meet his glance.

"Jasey you have to talk to me sometime." He said nearly in a whisper.

"No I don't..." I rebutted also in a hushed tone.

"Jasey" He said and I snapped my head up.

"No Alex, I don't have to do anything." I said feeling anger rise inside me, anger I had not anticipated.

He opened his mouth to retort but as if on command sent from a heaven above my ears were riddled with the sound of the bell. My eyes fell back down as I swiftly got up from my seat throwing my bag over my shoulder and shuffled with the cluster to the door yanking my folded schedule from my pocket to locate my next class. When I exited into the hallway I heard Alex call out my name amongst the people. I kept my head down and pretended not to hear his pleading call, no one but my close friends had recognized me, and I can’t blame them. I had my braces removed and my hair that was once at my shoulders was at my hips, my skin now clear and smooth, I looked nothing like I did in the 8th grade, thankfully. Freshmen and sophomore year had done me well. But because no one recognized me, no one also remembered me and I was thankfully allowed to graciously maneuver the halls as a new girl instead of the freak. I continued to walk out the wing and down main hall in the direction of B wing, located at the end of the main hall I was now in. it was going to be the start to a painfully long day, and I knew it.

Notes