Make it a sweet, sweet goodbye -
It could be for the last time and it's not right.
"Don't let yourself get in over your head," he said.
Alone and far from home we'll find you...

Maybe it was my curiosity that drove me to go after Alex, or maybe I was just nosey. But whatever the reason may be, it led me to him. I watched from the doorway of the storage room as Alex sat with his back to me, the area illuminated by nothing but the dim light creeping through the windows.

Dead - Like a candle you burned out;
Spill the wax over the spaces left in place of angry words.

I could tell this was the song they had spoken of, the song no one had heard but Alex, and now me. From the first few lines alone, there was a reason he had not played it for anyone. It wasn’t like their other songs; it wasn’t a party song, or a song for someone else’s enjoyment.

This was a song for Alex.

Scream - To be heard, like you needed any more attention;
Throw the bottle, break the door, and disappear.

You could hear it in his voice, feel it. The emotions weighing down on him as they flew around the room. The thickness weighing down in my heart at his pain, to see him in such a state.

Sing me to sleep, I'll see you in my dreams,
waiting to say, "I miss you. I'm so sorry."

I had stumbled across the ajar door as the last few notes sounded with a squeak and he hung his head. He placed the guitar at his side as he ran his hands over his face.

But it wasn’t till his muffled sobs filled the air that my feet shuffled forward to his side without a second thought

"Hey, Alex?" I whispered his name as squatted down in front of him placing a calming hand on his knee. I looked up as he hung his head letting his eyes fall shut as another tear graced his cheek. "Hey, hey, hey," I hushed reaching up to cup his jaw with a light hand, "what’s wrong?"

"The song," he choked out after a while of silence, "I can’t do it!"

"Hey now," I hushed reaching behind me to pull up another chair so I could sit closer to eye level with my friend. "You don't have to play it if it’s this painful!" I ushered

"I have to Jasey." He stuttered whipping the remaining tears from under his eyes as he tried to pull himself together. "I have to do this."

"Alex." I said causing his eyes to snap up to meet mine, there warm color clouded with the freshly rimmed waterline. "You don't have to if you’re not ready."

"It’s not that I’m not ready!" He puffed leaning back and letting his hands get lost in his mop of locks. "It’s not good enough, it never will be, and it was stupid."

"Hey!" I grabbed his attention as I slowly reached up to pull his hands from his hair as I spoke, "it’s beautiful, he’d be proud of you Alex."

My comment causing his eyes to open and meet mine. As if he was confused I remembered, as if he was expecting me to not understand the song. His brows furrowing as he scanned my face in confusion. "He'd love you no matter what you do Alex." I spoke calmly taking his hands in mine and rubbing small circles onto the back of his palms, "it’s a beautiful song."

"I should have been there for him," he sighed taking in a sharp breath as if trying to keep his tears at bay. "Now all I have as an apology is this stupid fucking song!" He said as rage boiled in the back of his eyes.

"Hey!" I snapped cupping his jaw to force his eyes to meet mine, their color softening as his mind stepped back from its previous thoughts, but not far enough away. "You were a kid Alex, a little kid, he wasn’t even in America, no one would have guessed he was in as bad a shape as he was, no one thought anyone could just slip away like that and there isn’t anything you could do to change this." I said, "Tom loved you Alex, he will always be your half-brother and no one can take that away from you," I spoke as my voice softened and my hand moved to brush his fringe from his eyes, "but you can’t be your own enemy here, you’re stronger than this." I smiled lightly, tilting my head to catch his eyes again, "the song is beautiful, and you know it. I get your scared, but just because you accept he’s gone does not mean he’s gone forever, he will always be a part of your life."

"How did you know it was even about him," he asked in a hushed tone, "how did you even know I was upset."

"Because I know you Alex." I said simply causing him to lift his eyes from there previously fixed position on his lap, "the only time your mouth isn’t moving 90 a minute is when you’re nervous, and when you’re fidgety, and you’re scared. And when something is really upsetting you, is the only time you won’t eat. And when all of this gets mushed together you get well," I spoke calmly lifting a hand to wipe the water smears that remained under his eyes, "like this"

"This is so stupid," he puffed shaking his head, "I’m supposed to be wiping the tears from under your eyes and telling you everything will be okay, not the other way around."

"Alex Gaskarth," I scoffed, "when have I ever been one to obey standards?"

A cute smile tugged at a single corner of his mouth, "come on buddy, we got one class left then you can go home and pig out!"

"Jasey?" He spoke my name lifting his head as I stood.

"Yeah Alex?"

"What’s your last class?"

"I have a study hall why?" I asked scrunching my eyebrows.

"Because I do to" He spoke standing up, "can we just go home?"

I looked up into his soft, warm eyes as they pleaded with me. My own eyes flickering from his to the floor, every second our eyes remained locked on one another's I could feel myself giving in; I couldn’t skip school could I?

It was Thursday, I didn’t have soccer work out but could I really just leave. I sighed taking Alex’s larger hand and entwining our fingers as I allowed him to pull me out into the hall before the lunch bell sounded, there was no winning that argument so I wasn’t going to start a war.

I had understood what it was like to lose someone. But not someone I loved, at the time I had lost no one I ached for, nor did they suffer in losing me. I wanted to be able to tell Alex I understood, and maybe any normal human being would have patted his back and told him they knew how he felt.

But I’m smarter than that.

He knew it to.

I wasn’t going to pretend I understood how he felt when I didn’t. No one did, even someone who had lost a close sibling in any way didn’t understand how Alex felt. Every loss was different. But only Alex knew how Alex felt.

But the least I could do was stick around if he needed me, no matter how old his wounds about his half-brother were, they would always hurt. I understood that. I just wished I was smart enough to reach out to someone when my birth mother passed, and I had no intentions of leaving Alex alone if he needed a shoulder to lean on, even though my shoulders were far more frail and boney then he probably would have liked.

This was my chance to make up for lost time and be the friend I didn’t give him the chance to be those years ago.

Notes

YAY UPDATING ON TIME!

when i first started writing i really intended to stay clear of the whole Tom situation, becuse of all the confusion and so many gray areas.

so i only mentioned little facts that Alex himself has come out and confirmed.. nothing to specific but i needed something other than little drama to give this some substance and show that i didnt intend on Jasey being this "damsel in distress" character and she can go a chapter or two with out going all bipolar with her emotions about everyone else.

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