I've got a bone to pick with you

I woke up and just stared at the clock on my nightstand. It read 6:43. I thought about this past years endeavors, and whether my life was actually worth all the responsibility about to be handed to me. The clock showed 6:51 and I closed my eyes continuing my thought on whether or not my life was worth that of my brothers, if so I don't know why. Sure my grades are ok in school but I'm no genius like him. I'm also a bitch and he was the sweetest person ever, constantly helping people. Sure he got on my nerves but I loved him and he was the reason people stopped picking on me, he's the reason I met Alana, I owe him my life yet when I offered it wasn't right for him to have it.

I open my eyes only to feel a tear roll down my cheek. The clock reads 6:59. I've been 18 for two minutes. I close my eyes and pray that my brother can hear me wish that he was the one here not me. I open my eyes back up to see the clock as it changes to 7:04, the moment 18 years ago the greatest person ever was born, my brother. He was my twin; my other half. The peanut butter to my jelly, the pick to my guitar, marshmallow fluff and my tongue. He was the reason I've been alive this long and he died a little over a year ago, so I have no idea why I'm hanging on this long.

I pull myself out of my bed much to my dismay. I stagger, sleepily, into the bathroom. I brush my teeth and do my makeup. I walk back into my room and pull out my clothes and stuff for the up coming day ahead. I put on a tank top and some regular skinny jeans. I pulled my hair into a messy bun but with braids and twists all through it. I put on my jewelry and pulled on my jacket. I looked at myself in the mirror next to my closet.

It doesn't matter how many times I've seen myself in the mirror, I think I'm fat. I will always immediately sunk in to attempt to convince myself I'm fine. I sigh and leave my room. Heading down stairs Alana waits at the bottom for me. "Happy 'You already wish it was over' Day." She said and kissed my cheek handing me my keys and back pack. "Also Happy birthday, Bradley." I smiled and gave her a hug. I hide my face in the crook of her neck and pull her in tighter.

"Thank you." I whisper into her ear. "That's why I'm here, Love you." "I-I love you too." I said. She gripped me tighter. "Come on. Stop crying, it's your birthday." She pulled away and I smiled at her. We walked out to my car and slid in. I put my key in and Alana turned on the radio. "So where's his CD?" Alana asked. I pulled down my vizor and out fell my mix CD that Bradley gave me. She pushed it in and the first song to play was Collide by Howie Day.

I sang along with it as it went by. When he put this song on here he would have never know how much it would effect me after his death. "Even the best fall down sometimes, even the stars refuse to shine, out of the back you fall in time." I didn't cry which I was proud about but I wanted to. A few songs later we pulled up to hell and got out. We walked into this building and I went to my locker. "Alright, I know I shouldn't leave you but if I'm late to first again, I'll get detention."

I turned and looked at her. "I'll be fine." "You sur-" "Go." I said with a smile. She smiled back and ran off. I laughed and looked back at my locker. Pulling out my books I heard that familiar click of heals in the distance. I grabbed my last binder and shut my locker. I turned to run but Bree stuck out her arms and stopped me. "You're not going any where, freak." "Can we just do this tomorrow-" "It's not everyday our favorite little whore turns 18, though." Ashley said. "Yeah, I wish your brother was still around. We loved him you, no so much. We wished he had lived and you died."

Bree said. I stepped back until my back hit the locker. "Why did he die? Everyone loved him, not you. You're a waist of breath, effort and time. It's all your fault too." Lisa added in. It was sad but I agreed with every word they said, every syllable uttered. "Hey, what's going on down here?" A teacher said, teachers never interfere. "Nothing Mr.Gaskarth, just wishing Paige here a Happy Birthday." Bree added quickly. "Alright, well can I talk to Ms.Colegrove?" "Awwe, we'll finish our talk later, bye Paige... Mr.Gaskarth." Lisa said with the other two following her off.

I followed Alex into his room. "Hey, you ok? They were standing awfully close." "Yeah, I'm fine." I wanted to thank him but that would open up some questions I'm not ready to deal with yet. "Good, well I needed to talk to you about your senior project anyways." "Ok..." I knew where this was headed, he was gonna make me pick a new topic and redo all the work previously set up. "I think it's an amazing essay you wrote, you had strong points and had great genres. I just have one issue." "Ok."

"You don't have a facilitator for your project and you need one to help you with your final product, but other than that I'm really interested to get more. One other thing, we need to talk about Grammar..." I let out a huff of air and rolled my eyes. "Mr.Gaskarth-" "Alex." He interrupted, I looked at him and he looked focused, on my eyes. "Alex, I suck at grammar and refuse to take the quizzes. I do not believe it's fair to do something I know I'm not good at-" "Well get a tutor."

I took in a sharp breath. "I would but we have peer tutors here and... and I really don't get along with the senior peer tutors..." I didn't make eye contact. Bree, Lisa, Ashley and one other girl named Kelly run the grammar portion of our peer tutor. "Then... I'll teach you." I looked up at him, and laughed. "Are you serious?! You would take time out of your busy schedule to teach a stupid kid grammar?" "No kid is stupid, not even you. You need to give yourself more credit."

I blushed a little, I'm not gonna lie. It was sweet. "Ok..." "So, what if we went somewhere comfortable for you... like a coffee shop or your house." "My house is cool, my dad's never there." I don't know why I added that but I did. I looked at the ground. "Sure, if that's ok with you. Not too weird having a teacher in your house." It was awkward the way he said teacher, almost as if he didn't wanna be in the category. "No it's not." If only he knew how it wouldn't be.

The bell rang. "Shit, I'm gonna be late for Math." I said and pulled the other strap of my back pack over my shoulder . I ran out of the classroom. "See you 5th, Mr.Gas-Alex." I yelled behind me. I ran down the hallway and made it in the room just as the bell rang. "Cutting it close, Ms.Colegrove." "Sorry." I said and took my seat. We had a test today and I finished that in no time so I sat down and started to drawing in the sketch pad.

I was currently drawling the Batman signal in the night sky line of Gotham City when the bell rang. I slowly picked up my bag and I turned and Avery stood right next to me. "Ahh...Hello." I said. He smiled then jumped and engulfed me in a hug. "Gah! You're 18! You can do so many things like like like go buy a lottery ticket and adopt a baby. OOOHHH or go into an adult toy store." I laughed and he pulled away. "Happy birthday to you ad your brother."

"Thanks, Ave." We started to leave the classroom, we walked out hand in hand. "Alright heading to History. I let go of Avery at his class and headed down towards mine. So far the day was going pretty good, and I was surprised actually. I sat down in my seat and we took notes like any other Monday, we finished with like one minute left but I really didn't wanna leave, I would then go to the music room and have to present my project. But of course the bell rang and I had to leave my history room.

I headed over to music and Jack was standing there with a hat, shaking it. "Pick one and that's the order we'll go in." I walked in and he smiled at me. I smiled back of course and took a slip of paper. I sat down in my seat in the back and pulled out my sketch pad continuing my drawing. "Hey trade numbers with me." Austin asked. "Please, Paige. I can't go 8th I'll die." I looked at my little slip. I was 11th and he looked like he really was about to die so I passed him my little slip of paper.

8th was better than 1st, so I can't complain. Then Jack walked back in. "Alright, everyone's here so now I'm gonna ask you hand the person behind you your slip of paper, people in the back the person in the front row of the one to your right gets yours unless you on the end. Then Rebecca yours goes to Hunter." I got the slip from the kid in front of me. "Fuck." I said almost audibly, but really quiet. I'm 3rd in line now. I look over at Austin and he got 16th. I sighed and lay my head down.

"I'm gonna call out that number if its yours say so and I'll write your name down. 1" "Abbey." "2" "Christian" "3" "Paige" I said and picked my head up off the desk. "4" and blah blah blah. Everyone had to say what the title of their song was. Abbey stood up and went to the piano in the room, her song was amazing, truly a piece of art work. Then Christian went who used an electric guitar but with the help of two others in the class did a drum and a bass part to go along, of course he was phenomenal. I clapped then others joined in, I didn't even care, he was just amazing.

I stood up and went to the back of the class room and picked up an acoustic guitar. I headed back to the front avoiding everyones eyes. I pulled a stool out of the corner of the room and sat on it. "I went to speak but the door opened. "Hey..." Alex said. We watched him walk in. "Yeah, guys this is Mr.Gaskarth he's the new Lit. teacher he want to see a couple of you preform so... go ahead Paige." Yet again all eyes were on me.

I looked down at the guitar and gripped it tighter in my hand throwing the strap over my head. "I-I wrote this one and it's called 'I just wanna run'" (by The Downtown Fiction- They're freaking amazing :) I strummed the first chord and licked my lip and looked up at everyone watching intently. I closed my eyes and started.

"I just wanna run, hide it away
Run because they're chasing me down
I just wanna run, throw it away
Run before they're finding me out
I just wanna run

I just wanna run
I'm out here all alone
I try to call your house
Can't reach you on the phone
I'll gather up the nerve
I'm packing up my bag
It's more than you deserve
Don't treat me like a drag

I'm feelin' like I keep on talking
I'm repeating myself,
My words lost all meaning
I keep talking
I repeat myself

I just wanna run, hide it away
Run because they're chasing me down
I just wanna run, throw it away
Run before they're finding me out
I just wanna run (oh, oh, oh)
I just wanna run (oh, oh, oh)

Like a game of chess
I predict your move
I think I know you better
Better than you do
I'm sick of feeling cheap
Cheated and abused
Sick of losing sleep
Thinking about you

I'm feelin' like I keep on talking
I'm repeating myself,
My words lost all meaning
I keep talking
I repeat myself

I just wanna run, hide it away
Run because they're chasing me down
I just wanna run, throw it away
Run before they're finding me out
I just wanna run (oh, oh, oh)
I just wanna run (oh, oh, oh) throw it away

I just wanna run, hide it away
Run because they're chasing me down
I just wanna run, throw it away
Run before they're finding me out, out

I just wanna run

I just wanna run, hide it away
Run because they're chasing me down
I just wanna run, throw it away
Run before they're finding me out

I just wanna run (Hey, hey, hey, hey,...)
I just wanna run (won’t find me out, won’t find me out)
I just wanna run"

I played a few out chords and looked up at everyone. They still stared at me. I stood up quickly and pulled the guitar off my shoulder. I sole person clapped, I turned with the stool in my hand to see who it was, it was Alex. Then the class joined in. I took the stool back and put the guitar up. I went to my desk and sat down. "Hey, Paige. That was really good." I looked over to see Austin grinning at me. "Thanks."

I lay my head down and continue to doodle in my pad. I look up to see who was singing and what number they were. They were number 12 and we were out of time. "We'll pick up on this tomorrow, guys. Have a nice rest of your day." Jack said as the bell rang. I stood up and grabbed my bag. Throwing my sketch pad in there I turn and run into Jack. He wraps his arms around me.

"Hey birthday girl." He growled into my ear while backing me up to the desk. "Hey." I spoke back using little breath seeing as he was attacking my neck. Jack then went to the spot behind my ear that he found earlier this year, and bit it. I let out a small moan and wrapped my arms around his neck. He bit harder and sucked on the sensitive skin. His left hand trailed down my right hip and across my mid section and met the spot where my jeans buttoned. His hands went to the button and zipper. He undid them and started to pull them down.

"You locked the door, right?" I asked against his hair. "Of course babe, don't worry about it." He said looking down at me. I pulled his face down to meet mine and our lips meshed together. I tangled my fingers in his hair and pushed us closer. My jeans came off and hit the floor with a thud. I opened my eyes and started at Jack. This is all we ever do. Sneak around and Fuck, sure it's fun but I think I want more than this, maybe I'm being dumb getting rid of a good thing but...

"Jack?" I ask. He stopped at looked at me. "Don't worry, today is all about you." He went back down to my neck, tugging at the bottom of my shirt. "No, that's not what I was gonna ask." His head shot up again. "Why did you leave Saturday?" "Cause... if someone saw us." I pulled his hands away from my hips. "No one would have seen us, we were in my house." I said and stood up. Jack stepped back. "Come on, Paige."

"I want you to possibly wake up next to me, maybe just once I wanna roll over and see you but I recall that this is illegal and you could loose your job. I don't wanna cost you your job but I wanna feel like I would be worth it maybe." I said pulling on my jeans, my back turned to him. I was zipping and buttoning them when his arms snaked around my waist. He put little love bites behind my ear. "Paige, please-" I turned around in his arms.

"I just want...I don't know... something normal and-and this isn't normal." I stuttered. I rested my head against his chest, he brought me in more hugging me to his body. "I don't know what to tell you, Paige." He said. Doesn't know what to tell me? Tell me something, make me wanna stay in this room despite the amount I wanna leave right now. Do something! I pulled away from him and grabbed my bag.

I pulled it onto my shoulders. "Paige, stop." I continued to the door. "Paige, for real. What would you like me to say?!" "I-I don't know but you're not saying it." I said and unlocked the door. It may seem like I over reacted over nothing but he never stays, all we do if have sex. I just wanna feel more important than his career or reputation for once, like he'd risk it all for me. I walked away from his classroom.

I knew he wouldn't run for me out here, but I wish he would but like Alana said when this first started 'You're gonna get hurt.' and well I feel fucking crushed. I walked over to my locker. I pushed my binders that I didn't need into it. I had silent tears rolling down my cheeks. I was biting my lip to contain the sobs that would sure leave if I opened my mouth. I closed my locker and turned but my back was shoved into the cool metal.

"It's like you could sense were coming. Look you're already crying." Bree said, although Ashley was the one who had me pushed up against the locker. She was always the more physical one even though that didn't stop any of them from hitting me. "What's the little skank crying about, no one to do it with in the bathroom-" Lisa said. "Yeah, your mom wasn't available." I said through gritted teeth trying to contain my crying. Lisa pushed Ashley out of the way and her hand collided with my face.

I twisted around but Bree caught me. "That was not a smart thing to say." She whispered into my ear. "Why, are you jealous?" I asked. Bree looked at me disgusted and kicked the back of my knee making me feel to the floor. Lisa grabbed my head and slammed it into her knee. I felt the blood rush from my nose. Bree dropped me and they continued to kick me. I didn't fight anymore, I'm just done.

They finished after one last kick to my ribs made me cry out, it was the spot Bree punched so
I was sure it was broken now if it wasn't before. Ashley leaned down and spoke to me. "You should have died not your brother, he's not here because of you." They left. I rolled myself up and walked into the bathroom,eventually.

I walked in and looked at my face. Blood ran down and coated my neck. I wiped it off and got it all off my body. I pulled my hair out of the bun. I lifted the bottom of my shirt and looked at the bruise forming around my ribs. I sighed and threw my head back. I looked at my phone and the time. I had 20 minutes before 5th started and I was gonna have a nice 20 minutes. I pulled my bowl out of my back pack along with my pot.

Sure against school rules but who really cares at this point. I took my lighter and lit the bowl taking several large hits off it. I tried to breathe in as much as I could so the bathroom didn't smell but that's unavoidable. I finished and looked at my face again. Dark purple rings surrounding my nose, big puffy eyes. I turned away disgusted and walked out of the bathroom.

I'm fucking high, I can barely walk straight. I walked down the hall way and headed to my Lit room, surely its open. I walked in and sat in the back of the room in the corner with my keens pulled up to my chest. I wrapped my arms around my knees. I sat there in the silence till I heard foot steps, they were so loud.

"Paige?" These foot steps questioned. "Paige, are you alright?" He asked. I looked up slowly to see Alex. He knelt down and stared at me. Tears formed and feel from my eyes. "I-I have bullies and they hate me because I-I k-killed my brother and I-I've tried to t-tell them I wish I w-was dead too but hey hit me anyways." He sat back on his butt and opened his arms. His hands moved in a gesture telling me he wanted me to go into them so I did.

I flew into his arms and wrapped my arms around his waist. He held me while I cried the bell ran eventually but no one entered the class room. "Paige, those girls this morning, that was them right?" I nodded, still not able to create words. "And your brother, he died?" I nodded again. "H-he had cancer and p-part of the Chemo Therapy killed his Kidneys, b-but I gave him mine and it seemed to have worked but that night in the hospital his body rejected my kidney and he had kidney failure and died, I killed him..."

I said still holding onto Alex. "I killed him and my dad wants nothing to do with me cause I took away his only son, my mom left cause there was no reason to stay. My brother was the good child, the good one, the one that could do no bad. Me, I got into trouble all sorts and do drugs and self harm... and they don't love me cause I killed him." I leaned further into Alex. "You have a period right?" "Not right now, I don't have a 5th. Are you high?"

"As a kite." I said. Alex just stared at me. "It's not your fault, bad things happen to good people.You don't deserve any of this, you deserve fro someone to love you and care for you and to be there when you need someone's shoulder to cry on..." I looked up at Alex. I smiled but he was so serious. I took my left hand and my first finger and touched his nose. "You're so adorable, life doesn't work like that. I'll end up alone with he life I deserve. Here to forever remind myself: I'm a murderer."

He studied my face for a second. "No you're not, I refuse to be leave that." "Living in denial wont help you." I said and leaned up a little. "My friend Avery is probably freaking out, I need to go to class." I tried to get up but Alex jumped up first and tried to help me to my feet. "Can I get a pass?" "I don't think you should go to class." "But I need to." "I know...just stay here... with me... you know so you don't get in trouble..." I thought about it, I mean why not. "Ok..."

Notes

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