Sit Back, Gotta Catch My Breath

It's been a month since Jack left. I missed him.
And he didn't even say goodbye. I ran to his house, only to watch his
car driving away from me. I had been too late.
I've slipped back into old habbits. I've gone back to cutting and
starving myself... And I don't even really talk to Rian, Zack, and
Cassadee anymore. They've all tried to talk to me at school, but I
just shrug them off and continue on my way.
I looked down at the tear-soaked page in front of me, finishing the
last few lines.

Gonna lose it
Let's defuse it
Baby, we're like a time bomb
But I need it
Wouldn't have it any other way

I shoved the notebook and pencil back under my pillow and sighed. I
looked over at my clock. 2:32. Great. It was almost time to leave for
my therapy session.
Oh, yeah. That's something else that you missed out on. Due to my
'recent behavior', my mum decided that I needed to go into therapy
again, even though it didn't do shit last time. But I get it. She was
worried that she was going to lose yet another son.
And as if she could read my mind, my mum walked into my room. "You
ready to go, Alex?"
I shrugged as I stood up. "As ready as I'll ever be." I followed her
out of the house and to the car. The drive there was silent, just as
it had been the past two times I went. I nodded to her before getting
out of the car and walking into the small building.
I walked up to the front desk to let them know that I was here for my
three o'clock appointment. The lady behind the desk nodded and I went
to sit down in the waiting room. A few minutes later, a boy emerged
from the therapist's office crying. He looked about my age. He had
dark brown hair and eyes to match. His skin was paler than mine, which
I didn't see very often. I offered him a small smile, and he smiled
back before walking out of the building. The therapist called for me
from his office and I stood up. I took a deep breath before making my
way into the small room and closing the door behind me.
"Hello, Alex. How are we doing today?" He asked me with a cheery smile.
I looked at him and shrugged as I sat down in the chair.
He nodded and looked down at the note pad in his hands. "So, Alex, are
you going to talk to me today?" He looked at me over his glasses and
waited for a reply.
I looked down at my shoes and bit my lip. There really wasn't anything
to talk about. I mean, my boyfriend only left town without saying
goodbye, leaving me here all broken and depressed. You know, the
usual.
I heard him sigh. "You know, Alex, I can't help you if you don't talk to me."
"You couldn't help me even if I talked to you..." I mumbled.
"Well, what makes you think that?"
I looked at him. "Because all therapists are the same. The last one
couldn't help me. What makes you so special?"
He sighed again. "Alex... At least let me try to help you."
I bit my lip and nodded. I guess if my mum was going to spend money on
this, I might as well humor her.
He nodded back. "Good. Now, Alex, why do you think you've had a sudden
change in behavior lately? Your mom says you were so happy, but then,
all of a sudden, you were depressed. What happened?"
I bit my lip and looked down at my shoes before speaking. "My, uh...
my boyfriend left me..."
"Do you know why?"
I shook my head.
"Do you think that maybe it was something personal going on with him?
Do you think that maybe it has nothing to do with you?"
I shrugged. "I guess."
"Then why are you letting it get you down like this?"
"Because... because he was my first friend when I moved here. He was
the only one I felt I could trust..."
"And why do you think that is?"
I bit my lip, trying to keep from bursting into tears. "W-Well, I just
kind of p-pushed everyone away a-after my brother..." I couldn't
finish. If I tried, I would break. I could feel a knot forming in my
throat.
"Ah, yes. You brother... Thomas? Your mother told me about him."
I nodded, not trusting my voice anymore.
"Alex, you have to let people in. You can't just put all your trust
into one person, just in case something like this does happen."
I nodded. He was only telling me everything I already knew. But it's
not like I could help it. I just have trust issues is all.
"Is there anything else bothering you? School? Bullies?"
I bit my lip and nodded again.
"Are there people bullying you at school?"
I nodded.
"Physically or emotionally?"
"B-Both..."
He sighed. "Alex, if someone is hurting you, you need to get help.
Tell an adult so they can do something about it."
"They can't do shit," I spat.
"They can do more than you think they can."
I shook my head. "Not unless they actually see it happen. Because, if
they have no proof, it's my word against theirs." I looked up at him
to see him writing something down on his note pad.
"Well maybe you should reach out and make some new friends. It makes
it more difficult for bullies to pick on you if you're in a group."
"I've tried. Doesn't work all the time..."
"But it works sometimes, right?"
I nodded.
"Well, then, I think that's better than nothing. Don't you agree?"
I just looked at him. I knew he was right, but, at the same time, he
was completely clueless.
We were both silent for a few minutes before he finally spoke up.
"I think that's enough for today," he said.
I nodded before standing up.
"I'll see you next week?"
I gave him a weak half-smile before leaving the building. I went
straight to my mum's car and got in. Once again, the second I closed
the car door, she asked me one specific question:
"So, how did it go?"
I shrugged. "Okay, I guess."
"Well, that's good."
"I suppose."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I laid in bed, staring up into complete darkness. It was about
midnight, now, but I couldn't sleep, because, any time I closed my
eyes, I would see Jack. And it was just too much for me to deal with.
I still couldn't believe he was gone. And I would probably never see
him again. It honestly felt like he died. And a piece of me died with
him.
I traced the cuts and scars on my arms with light fingertips as I
continued to stare into the darkness. I sighed. What would Jack think
if he knew that I went back to cutting?
I rolled over on my side and stared out the window at the night sky. I
looked at all the stars and wondered if Jack was looking at them, too.
And I wondered if he even thought of me anymore.

Notes

I'm sorry to do this to your hearts, guys.
I mean, it hurt my heart just to write it.
But, like I said, I know exactly where I'm going with this.
Please don't hate me! D:

-Ryan