Thanks To You
Moving on.
I could see, I could feel, but I couldn’t move. I cried, but it felt like I was burning from the inside. I knew this was going to happen, but I didn’t want it to be that way. I didn’t want my dad to be dying, I wanted him to accept me. I wanted to believe he was still the man I always saw and followed as an example, but now he felt disgusted by me. And that killed me.
Suddenly I felt like everything was going to repeat itself. I was going to hurt myself again, I was going to try suicide again. All of these seemed pretty inviting.
I just wanted to be consumed by the ground, I was so tired I couldn’t find strenght not even to kill myself.
I needed to move on. I had to forget everything, about Jack, about Baltimore, about the songs, the fireworks, the stars. I needed to forget about us.
I spent so much time on the floor Rose entered my bedroom. She screamed, she panicked, I felt guilty, I didn’t like to affect people around me with my shitty humor. She picked me up and layed me on the bed, said words I couldn’t understand. Everything around me was blurry. She ran across the room, picking things up of the ground, picking things from the wardrobe, and soon I realized what she was doing. She was packing my bags.
“R-Rose…” I could find the strenght to say.
“Alex dear, your dad called.” She said, stroking my hair gently.
“W-what are you doing…?” I asked, I wasn’t sure she could hear my voice though.
“He said your plane leaves tomorrow, I wonder you know why he is in such a hurry.” She said, turning around, she was now taking my posters from the walls.
“J-Jack…” It was all I could say, I wanted him there, but I also wanted him far, god I was so confused.
“You want me to call him?” She said, looking at me with pity.
“N-no… and also… don’t tell him… anything…” It was hard to speak, I didn’t know why. I was still thinking of a way of leaving Jack without so much pain.
“Ok Alex dear.” She whispered. “You should sleep now, it’s late. Make sure you are rested for tomorrow, your flight is 11am, in case you want to say goodbye to him, I can call him and he…”
“Rose…” I interupted her, I didn’t want her to call Jack, I already knew what I was going to do. “Thank you.” It was all I could say, my head was hurting, so I just closed my eyes.
“You are an angel Alex.” She said, sitting on the edge of the bed. “I don’t know the reason you are suffering so much, I know it is because you are leaving Jack, but I know there is something else. So I will pray for you, everyday, because you don’t deserve this Alex, you deserve to be happy dear.” She said, kissing my forehead and turning the lights off.
I woke up and sat on my bed. Everything felt like a big nightmare, but by the moment I woke up and looked around, I knew it was reality.
The bedroom walls were clean, the computer table was organized, the wardrobe doors were open and it was empty. I stared at the door and all of my bags were there, by the floor.
It had to be done.
I got my phone and it was 8am. I had to be at the airport in two ours. I had plenty of time to go to Jack’s house, say goodbye, or even eat a good breakfast with him. I wish things were like that. We would have breakfast together, I would hug him, he would kiss me, we would say we loved eachother and by the moment I reached the airport, my mom would be there, laughing at me, telling me everything was ok and I could stay with Jack forever. But that wasn’t going to happen, so I just got my bags, ate my breakfast and called a cab.
While I was going to the airport, I got my phone again. It was 9:30. I started to write the text I believed that would solve all of my problems.
Jacky? It’s me (: good morning baby, how are you doing? good I wish… you remember that day, two months ago, we were on your flat, and I told you I had to leave someday? That moment is now jack… some stuff happened and we need to forget eachother, forever. If it hurts for you to read this, just know that it hurts for me to write this. We knew this moment would come, and if we see eachother again, for any reason, it will be much more painful. So here’s what I need you to do, and I promise I’ll do the same thing. I want you to forget me, throw all my gifts away and go look for someone that really deserves a wonderful man like you. I want you to travel around the world with your band, become famous, rich, happy, but without me. Just enjoy your life jack. Don’t come after me. Thank you for everything. I love you.
And I pressed send.
I wanted to write so much more. I wanted, but I couldn’t find the words, it was the kind of feeling you can’t find words to describe, all I could do was cry. Only if could send tears through texts, just to tell him how much I needed him, but I couldn’t have him.
I reached the airport and time passed by slowly. And as this time slowly passed, I felt more coward, cold, heartless.
I could imagine his face when he read that. But I didn’t want to imagine. I wanted to forget every single trace I still remembered from his face.
10:10am, 10:20am, 10:30am…
“I’m sorry Jack…” It was all I could whisper to myself. I spent the last half hour just whispering to myself how awful I was.
The plane was leaving in 15 minutes. I openned my bag and looked for my passport. I still had my ring on. I threw it on the floor hoping I would never see it again. And when I raised my head to look at the big clock in the middle of the room I was, I saw him.
I saw him through the glass. I wasn’t seeing things, it was him. I don’t know how he knew where I was, maybe Rose told him, I don’t know.
He was wearing the same painful expression I was hoping I would never have to imagine again, or see. He looked dead, just as me. He just stared at me, and I stared back at him. He wasn’t moving, nor crying. He wasn’t begging for me to stay, he just stayed there, and I did the same thing.
That was my last chance, my last chance of hugging him, saying goodbye, saying a proper I Love You. I could just run, open the door and fall into his skinny arms, all I wanted to do was break that glass between us.
But I didn’t.
I picked my bags up and moved forward, without looking back again.
It was the last time I saw him. The moment I felt worthless. I didn’t know that past would haunt me forever. But I guess that’s what moving on means, moving forward, without looking back.
- end of flashback -
Suddenly I felt like everything was going to repeat itself. I was going to hurt myself again, I was going to try suicide again. All of these seemed pretty inviting.
I just wanted to be consumed by the ground, I was so tired I couldn’t find strenght not even to kill myself.
I needed to move on. I had to forget everything, about Jack, about Baltimore, about the songs, the fireworks, the stars. I needed to forget about us.
I spent so much time on the floor Rose entered my bedroom. She screamed, she panicked, I felt guilty, I didn’t like to affect people around me with my shitty humor. She picked me up and layed me on the bed, said words I couldn’t understand. Everything around me was blurry. She ran across the room, picking things up of the ground, picking things from the wardrobe, and soon I realized what she was doing. She was packing my bags.
“R-Rose…” I could find the strenght to say.
“Alex dear, your dad called.” She said, stroking my hair gently.
“W-what are you doing…?” I asked, I wasn’t sure she could hear my voice though.
“He said your plane leaves tomorrow, I wonder you know why he is in such a hurry.” She said, turning around, she was now taking my posters from the walls.
“J-Jack…” It was all I could say, I wanted him there, but I also wanted him far, god I was so confused.
“You want me to call him?” She said, looking at me with pity.
“N-no… and also… don’t tell him… anything…” It was hard to speak, I didn’t know why. I was still thinking of a way of leaving Jack without so much pain.
“Ok Alex dear.” She whispered. “You should sleep now, it’s late. Make sure you are rested for tomorrow, your flight is 11am, in case you want to say goodbye to him, I can call him and he…”
“Rose…” I interupted her, I didn’t want her to call Jack, I already knew what I was going to do. “Thank you.” It was all I could say, my head was hurting, so I just closed my eyes.
“You are an angel Alex.” She said, sitting on the edge of the bed. “I don’t know the reason you are suffering so much, I know it is because you are leaving Jack, but I know there is something else. So I will pray for you, everyday, because you don’t deserve this Alex, you deserve to be happy dear.” She said, kissing my forehead and turning the lights off.
I woke up and sat on my bed. Everything felt like a big nightmare, but by the moment I woke up and looked around, I knew it was reality.
The bedroom walls were clean, the computer table was organized, the wardrobe doors were open and it was empty. I stared at the door and all of my bags were there, by the floor.
It had to be done.
I got my phone and it was 8am. I had to be at the airport in two ours. I had plenty of time to go to Jack’s house, say goodbye, or even eat a good breakfast with him. I wish things were like that. We would have breakfast together, I would hug him, he would kiss me, we would say we loved eachother and by the moment I reached the airport, my mom would be there, laughing at me, telling me everything was ok and I could stay with Jack forever. But that wasn’t going to happen, so I just got my bags, ate my breakfast and called a cab.
While I was going to the airport, I got my phone again. It was 9:30. I started to write the text I believed that would solve all of my problems.
Jacky? It’s me (: good morning baby, how are you doing? good I wish… you remember that day, two months ago, we were on your flat, and I told you I had to leave someday? That moment is now jack… some stuff happened and we need to forget eachother, forever. If it hurts for you to read this, just know that it hurts for me to write this. We knew this moment would come, and if we see eachother again, for any reason, it will be much more painful. So here’s what I need you to do, and I promise I’ll do the same thing. I want you to forget me, throw all my gifts away and go look for someone that really deserves a wonderful man like you. I want you to travel around the world with your band, become famous, rich, happy, but without me. Just enjoy your life jack. Don’t come after me. Thank you for everything. I love you.
And I pressed send.
I wanted to write so much more. I wanted, but I couldn’t find the words, it was the kind of feeling you can’t find words to describe, all I could do was cry. Only if could send tears through texts, just to tell him how much I needed him, but I couldn’t have him.
I reached the airport and time passed by slowly. And as this time slowly passed, I felt more coward, cold, heartless.
I could imagine his face when he read that. But I didn’t want to imagine. I wanted to forget every single trace I still remembered from his face.
10:10am, 10:20am, 10:30am…
“I’m sorry Jack…” It was all I could whisper to myself. I spent the last half hour just whispering to myself how awful I was.
The plane was leaving in 15 minutes. I openned my bag and looked for my passport. I still had my ring on. I threw it on the floor hoping I would never see it again. And when I raised my head to look at the big clock in the middle of the room I was, I saw him.
I saw him through the glass. I wasn’t seeing things, it was him. I don’t know how he knew where I was, maybe Rose told him, I don’t know.
He was wearing the same painful expression I was hoping I would never have to imagine again, or see. He looked dead, just as me. He just stared at me, and I stared back at him. He wasn’t moving, nor crying. He wasn’t begging for me to stay, he just stayed there, and I did the same thing.
That was my last chance, my last chance of hugging him, saying goodbye, saying a proper I Love You. I could just run, open the door and fall into his skinny arms, all I wanted to do was break that glass between us.
But I didn’t.
I picked my bags up and moved forward, without looking back again.
It was the last time I saw him. The moment I felt worthless. I didn’t know that past would haunt me forever. But I guess that’s what moving on means, moving forward, without looking back.
- end of flashback -
Update: I totally cried.
Again.
1/15/15