I arrived home alone in the late afternoon, Zack and Rian had taken me to some places to pamper me. We had gone to a hairdresser and after that had set down at their place for some video games.

Jack was not home and Mari was fast asleep. I started preparing some dinner, just some lasagna. I put it in the oven and let it cook, then set it on the kitchen counter for Jack to eat later.
A deep hopelessness and tiredness overcame me. During the day I had been able to forget it from time to time, but now was creeping onto me again. I placed my forehead to the fridge and let go of everything. I couldn’t even cry anymore, I felt too numb to cry.

After some minutes, I got myself together again and gently put Mari into her bed. I kissed her goodnight and proceeded to look through the mail.

There was a letter from Jack’s workplace. I hesitated only for a second, then opened it.

“Mr Jack Gaskarth
23 Wilford Drive
Junia MD USA
14897
14th of October, 2013

Dear Mr Gaskarth,
Termination of your employment This letter confirms our discussion today that your employment with Gyrall Company is terminated for cause, effective immediately.

Although we have warned you several times, including written warnings, you continued arriving at your workplace drunk, causing your co-workers to not work effectively and not working at all yourself.

You will receive the sum of $750 in lieu of your notice period. You will also be paid the money for this month’s work period.

If you have any further questions, please call our Chief Staff Manager, Mr Wilson, at 34 76 98.

Yours sincerely,
Mr Miller”

I read it again. I couldn’t believe this. He was fired. Unemployed. What were we going to do when the sales from our merch went down? How were we going to pay for Mari’s education? What about healthcare and insurances?

I started to shake, the familiar hotness and nausea from anxiety building in my chest. This was too much for me. My vision blurred a little and I started to cry. I felt like I was going to throw up.
A sudden flashback brought up an idea.

I was 16. The feeling of anxiety was still there, someone had just made fun of me after I had said something in class. I was in the bathroom, shakily fumbling for the blade in my pocket. I was longing for the relief it provided and quickly pulled down my pants. I numbed the anxiety in one swift motion, bandaged up and left again.

I was back to reality, panting. Maybe this was what I needed now. I knew there were blades somewhere, there was one I had never thrown away, in my diary. I scrambled to get to it. I unpacked the small, thin, silver piece of metal. I set it to my wrist, it was not really mattering anymore if I cut there, I already had a fucked-up hand.

A tiny voice inside me caught my attention, “Alex, do you really want to fall back into old behaviours? This will spiral into something bigger, and before you know, you will be back to the endless cycle of anxiety and cutting, trying to numb it all with it. Maybe you will even have the problems with the pills again. Do you reall-“

Before it could finish, I pushed it away. I quickly moved my right hand. My anxiety went quiet, as well as the tiny voice after squeaking sadly once more. I slumped back against the kitchen counter and drifted off.

Notes

Sorry for the depressing chapter.
I am increasingly worried about anyone from my "real life" finding my stories on here but writing them helps me so much and I love to get feedback from you guys. You are amazing <3

-Laura