Damned If I Do Ya
Return The Sanity
This must be how Jack felt last year.
I went and saw her, told her everything going on in my head. I finally told someone what was going on. How I thought I was accepting everything that happened, that I thought I knew I was okay. That everything I did was right because I just thought it was and never really went beyond that. Now, after all this I realized how wrong I was, and how fucked up my thoughts really were. I was causing all my own problems, making up these ideas in my head that never actually played out because I never tried to go with them. I always pysched myself out, thinking that if I did one thing then for sure only one outcome would come from it. Which is never the case.
I told her about everything that went down on the bus. In the middle of telling her I started to cry cause holy shit I really was a fucking bitch. I treated Jack like shit. I'm a terrible person. She calmed me down enough to finish the story and I apologized and kept crying about how I was wrong and I don't deserve Jack. She told me otherwise, but the rest of the session was pretty much over. She said I needed to see another doctor. This was finally it, I was getting medicated now too, cause I'm a depressed, paranoid idiot who treats everyone around her like they're beneath her. Against her.
I spent the next week trying to figure out rather or not I should just call Jack and let him go, Just stop all this now before it got worst. I know he's waiting for me to come back, perfectly fine but I had no idea if that could happen anymore. Surely by now all our friends....his friends, hated me. Why wouldn't they? I was horrible to them too. No one needed me around when this is the kind of crap I pull all the time now.
When I saw the next doctor, I had to go through some tests, answer some questions and surveys. When all was said and done, she gave me the receipt for the prescription and sent me off, saying it should really kick in after a week, and to call if there's any harsh side effects. I went and got it immediately, staring at the bottle before trying out one pill. I wanted it to magically work right then and there, but I knew it wouldn't.
The next day, I had to see my therapist again. I told her what they gave me, and she asked if I wanted to just try the medication or still talk to her. I chose to still talk to her. I needed some form of company.
After two weeks, my thoughts were straightening out, but I still felt horrible. My therapist told me to work on doing things I like, since I've been just moping around, and if I really wanted to, I could call Jack. I didn't do that though, I was afraid of fucking up again. Saying something that would ruin this more than I already have. So, I just got Bailey back and started focusing on her. It worked for a bit, but there's only so much you can do with a dog, so I started working again. Hopeless sent me All Time Low's stuff, and I just did it. I never contacted Matt or ask Hopeless to let him know I'm doing it. I just did it. Maybe partly cause I felt guilty as hell for all the trouble I caused last time.
When two months were up, and I was feeling a lot better, my therapist suggested something.
“I think you should go back with Jack.”
“What? I..can't do that yet.” I mumbled.
“Why not?”
“I don't know if I'm better yet.”
“Ember, based on your prgress you are. You're getttingther, at least, but you miss him.”
“I'm scared, though.” I admitted, looking down.
“Of what?”
“Of him not being happy I'm there....sending me back here. Or maybe even just leaving me.”
“Why would Jack do that? He wanted you to come back and figure yourself out, that's all. And you have, the last step you have is to just continue your life. Your life with him.”
“But...” I held back a sob. “What if he just doesn't love me anymore? It's been so long, and we haven't talked and I just...I just wish he was here and we together but he might not feel same anymore. Not after everything.”
“You have to see, dear.” She assured, grabbing me a few tissues. “I know what you're feeling, it's just the same as before. You're scared and you don't want to take the chance, but you need to.”
“I know...it's just..hard.”
“Here, let me do something to help, okay?” I nodded and she explained.
She was was going to write a summary of all our sessions, everything we talked about and how I was doing. It was something I could either give straight to Jack or use to tell him anything he wanted to know. I took it with me, thanking her as much as I could before going home and reading it over. It brought up difficult feelings and memories, but I needed to do it.
The first thing I thought of was how I needed to at least call Matt before I just show up on tour. I paced my room for half an hour, trying to figure out how to go about this. I was just afraid everyone had the time to figure out they hate me and, no. I am not finishing that thought. Nothing is for certain till I hear it from them.
Taking a deep breath, I called, hoping he wasn't busy.
“Hello?” He answered, and I swear my heart stopped.
“Um...hi Matt...” I mumbled. “Is...is this a bad time?”
“Not really. Are you okay? You sound ready to cry.” He asked, voice full of concern. Well, now I wanted to cry for a different reason.
“I just...I was afraid you hated me and stuff...” I trailed off.
“Em, hun, I couldn't ever hate you. It's okay.” He added at the end when I sniffed and started crying a little.
“S-sorry, maybe I should just call another time.”
“No, shush.” I heard some shuffling. “You called for a reason right? You can tell me.”
“I..I think I'm ready to come on tour again.”
“Really? Are you sure?”
“Yeah...” I mumbled, swallowing down a sob. “I just wanna come home.”
“We'll be waiting for you.” He said, and I smiled.
“Thanks Mickey.”
“Anytime, want me to tell Jack?”
“Um, if you want to.” I shrugged, even if he couldn't see.
“I think I will, okay? Do you wanna talk to him at all?”
“Not over the phone.” I said. “I'll probably just cry more.”
“Okay.” Matt paused for a moment. “I'll email you later about details and traveling plans. I think you should lay down, maybe sleep? We'll figure this all out.”
“Alright...” I sighed.
“Good night, Em. We all love you. I promise.” He whispered, and I took a deep breath.
“I love all of you too.”
I woke up way later, and looked at everything Matt sent to me. He already had my plane ticket bought, and mailed to me. I just had to wait a few days. He sent his usual list of things to pack, and I got started on it. He said that he told Jack, and there's nothing for me to worry about. Of course, I did worry anyway. When the day for me to leave came, I almost missed the plane on purpose still scared shitless and the letter from my therapist basically burning a hole in my pocket.
The closer I got to landing, the more I had to remind myself to stay calm. My medication helped, it was easier to realize when I was going nuts. I wondered if they would be at the airport. I know Matt was meeting me, but I wasn't sure if all the rest would be there. I had decided that if they're all there, I'll just try to be normal and not awkward and see how it goes by the time the plan landed. Getting off, I went to grab my bags first before walking off to find Matt at the meeting spot, preparing my mind for anything.
Well, anything from what I got.
Because Matt was nowhere to be seen. Neither was Alex, Rian, or Zack.....
But Jack was here. I saw him before he saw me, and I froze for a second until his eyes landed on me. My hand had somehow made it's way to my pocket where the letter was and crushed it in a nervous grip. My legs started moving without me thinking about it, and soon he was right in front of me. We didn't say anything for a second. I was afraid to and I wasn't sure why he didn't. So, I did what I've wanted to do for so long.
Wrapping my arms around him I just started to bawl.
i love this story so fucking much
6/21/14