Damned If I Do Ya
Make Her Stay
"You and I both knew Bri isn't the root of our problems. If you want to be mad at her, take this out on her, that's fine. I can't say I blame you, but don't you dare use her as an excuse to end our relationship."
My grip on Ember was strong, but it wasn't enough to hurt her. Hell, it wasn't even enough to keep her in place, which she proved as she jerked away from me. I expected her to keep going, to leave me all alone, but she didn't. She spun on her heel with tears in her eyes and anger in her gut.
"She is to blame for this! You've been ignoring me for her!"
"That's bullshit, Ember," I sighed, breathing deep to keep myself under control. "How many messages did you read?"
"Just the fist two and they told me everything I needed to know."
"No, they told you everything you wanted to know. I sent her a text while you were at your first session-"
"That's when you decided to text her?! What the fuck, Jack?!"
"Well, if you'd let me finish," I growled, chewing on my bottom lip. "I texted her because I felt bad. I've been busting my ass to get everything back to normal and seeing how fucked up you were from what I did, I needed to make things right with her, too."
"And what about the nights you shared? Did you cheat on me, Jack?"
I paused, considering her question. Truthfully, I didn't know if I'd actually cheated on her. That night remained a blur, though it was pretty obvious from the way Bri treated me that I had. It was only one time, though. I knew perfectly well the night she came and got me, we didn't do a damn thing. Nothing but talk, which was what I needed at the time.
"I don't know, Ember," I frowned, avoiding her gaze. "Bri acts like it, I'll admit that, but it was only from the night I slept in the bar she works at. I didn't have the guts to ask her what really happened because honestly, I don't want to know. So take it for what it is, but know that if something did happen, it never happened again. The night she picked me and came to the next show with me, all we did was talk, I swear."
My heart broke as the tears rolled down her cheeks. This is exactly why I hadn't asked Bri what happened, because I knew it would hurt Ember. There's no excuse for the things I've done in the past but I don't want to feel guilty for something I don't even know is true and I damn sure don't want to hate Bri when she's been nothing but a friend to a me. Though, if it came down to Bri or Ember, God knows I'd pick Ember any day.
"I don't even know what to say to your right now. Why would you think it's okay to keep talking to her?"
"At first it was just the one message. I just wanted to thank her and part ways, but when all of this shit started happening with you, I needed someone to talk to. Ember, if you'd have kept reading, you would have saw where I was asking her for advice on what to do with our
relationship. She's jealous, yes, but she just wants what's best for me."
"No, idiot, she wants you."
Ember shot me a glare and started making her way toward the door again. My heart was breaking with every step she took. If she really didn't want to be with me anymore, if she wanted to end our engagement, I'd have to let her. But I wasn't about to let her go without speaking my peace.
"Ember, stop," I sighed, using my long legs as an advantage. Before Ember could get her hand on the knob, I got in front of the door, feeling defeated but hopeful. "This isn't about Bri. If you want me to cut her out, I will. I've only been avoiding you because I know it's what's best for you. Seriously, Ember, since we've been spending less time together how many nightmares have you had?"
"I- I don't know, not-"
"You've been fine! Don't you get it, Ember? It's not the past that's haunting you, it's me."
Her faced dropped, along with more tears, but she didn't speak. I think part of that is because she knew I was right. If she didn't have to see me, or fear me in any way at all, she was fine. She could sleep if I wasn't in the bed. She could function if she didn't see my face. I was the root of all her struggles and it was kiling me.
"Do you think I like not speaking to you? Do you think I like lying to the guys about why you didn't come to band practice? Do you think I like sleeping on the couch? I hate this shit, Ember, but it's what's best for you. You're doing so much better since I've built a wall between us. I can't pretend that everything is okay when it's not. You need to get better before we can get better and a part of me believes that'll only happen if we're not together."
"I don't want to get better on my own, Jack," Ember whispered, her lip trembling with her words. "Maybe I have been doing better but I have a therapist to thank for that. The way you've been acting, it makes me think you're going to go back to how you used to be."
"You don't have any reason to trust me, baby, I know that. Everything that I've done, you can't forget it, no matter how badly I want you to. But I'm willing to spend the rest of my life suffering if it means you get to smile. I'll be okay so long as I know you're doing fine."
The small girl let out a deep sigh, using her fingers to wipe away her tears. If this didn't prove that I loved her, I don't know what would.
"There is nothing I want more than to see you in a white dress as I promise the rest of my life to you," I managed to speak, stepping closer to her. My hands caught her cheeks and my thumbs gently wiped away more stray tears. "But we need to take everything one step at a time. You can leave if you want, if you think it'll help you, but that doesn't mean I won't be here when you're better. Or you can stay and you can prove to me that you're willing to face me, to look at me and not see a monster. You have to accept everything I've done, but you also have to accept that I'm never going to back to who I was before. This is me, now, here in the flesh. This is me telling you that I'm getting better and I want to spend the rest of my life taking care of you and making you smile.. So what's it going to be, Ember? Stay or go?"
She blinked a few times, her eyes darting from me, to the door. It was a hard choice to make, I knew that. She had no idea where she belonged anymore. That, or she just didn't know if she'd be able to see me as anything more than what I was. Despite that, I wanted her to stay. It was one thing if I kept my distance from her to help her get better, but we'd be in a whole different universe if she left me like this, because this would be the end of us.
Letting a sigh fall past my teeth, I squeeze my eyes closed and inched closer to her face. Even if she decides to go, if that's what she thinks is best, I wanted her to feel how much I love her before she did. Our lips connected, my hands moving from her cheeks to her hair and I poured everything feeling I had about her into the kiss.
But was it enough to make her want to stay?
My grip on Ember was strong, but it wasn't enough to hurt her. Hell, it wasn't even enough to keep her in place, which she proved as she jerked away from me. I expected her to keep going, to leave me all alone, but she didn't. She spun on her heel with tears in her eyes and anger in her gut.
"She is to blame for this! You've been ignoring me for her!"
"That's bullshit, Ember," I sighed, breathing deep to keep myself under control. "How many messages did you read?"
"Just the fist two and they told me everything I needed to know."
"No, they told you everything you wanted to know. I sent her a text while you were at your first session-"
"That's when you decided to text her?! What the fuck, Jack?!"
"Well, if you'd let me finish," I growled, chewing on my bottom lip. "I texted her because I felt bad. I've been busting my ass to get everything back to normal and seeing how fucked up you were from what I did, I needed to make things right with her, too."
"And what about the nights you shared? Did you cheat on me, Jack?"
I paused, considering her question. Truthfully, I didn't know if I'd actually cheated on her. That night remained a blur, though it was pretty obvious from the way Bri treated me that I had. It was only one time, though. I knew perfectly well the night she came and got me, we didn't do a damn thing. Nothing but talk, which was what I needed at the time.
"I don't know, Ember," I frowned, avoiding her gaze. "Bri acts like it, I'll admit that, but it was only from the night I slept in the bar she works at. I didn't have the guts to ask her what really happened because honestly, I don't want to know. So take it for what it is, but know that if something did happen, it never happened again. The night she picked me and came to the next show with me, all we did was talk, I swear."
My heart broke as the tears rolled down her cheeks. This is exactly why I hadn't asked Bri what happened, because I knew it would hurt Ember. There's no excuse for the things I've done in the past but I don't want to feel guilty for something I don't even know is true and I damn sure don't want to hate Bri when she's been nothing but a friend to a me. Though, if it came down to Bri or Ember, God knows I'd pick Ember any day.
"I don't even know what to say to your right now. Why would you think it's okay to keep talking to her?"
"At first it was just the one message. I just wanted to thank her and part ways, but when all of this shit started happening with you, I needed someone to talk to. Ember, if you'd have kept reading, you would have saw where I was asking her for advice on what to do with our
relationship. She's jealous, yes, but she just wants what's best for me."
"No, idiot, she wants you."
Ember shot me a glare and started making her way toward the door again. My heart was breaking with every step she took. If she really didn't want to be with me anymore, if she wanted to end our engagement, I'd have to let her. But I wasn't about to let her go without speaking my peace.
"Ember, stop," I sighed, using my long legs as an advantage. Before Ember could get her hand on the knob, I got in front of the door, feeling defeated but hopeful. "This isn't about Bri. If you want me to cut her out, I will. I've only been avoiding you because I know it's what's best for you. Seriously, Ember, since we've been spending less time together how many nightmares have you had?"
"I- I don't know, not-"
"You've been fine! Don't you get it, Ember? It's not the past that's haunting you, it's me."
Her faced dropped, along with more tears, but she didn't speak. I think part of that is because she knew I was right. If she didn't have to see me, or fear me in any way at all, she was fine. She could sleep if I wasn't in the bed. She could function if she didn't see my face. I was the root of all her struggles and it was kiling me.
"Do you think I like not speaking to you? Do you think I like lying to the guys about why you didn't come to band practice? Do you think I like sleeping on the couch? I hate this shit, Ember, but it's what's best for you. You're doing so much better since I've built a wall between us. I can't pretend that everything is okay when it's not. You need to get better before we can get better and a part of me believes that'll only happen if we're not together."
"I don't want to get better on my own, Jack," Ember whispered, her lip trembling with her words. "Maybe I have been doing better but I have a therapist to thank for that. The way you've been acting, it makes me think you're going to go back to how you used to be."
"You don't have any reason to trust me, baby, I know that. Everything that I've done, you can't forget it, no matter how badly I want you to. But I'm willing to spend the rest of my life suffering if it means you get to smile. I'll be okay so long as I know you're doing fine."
The small girl let out a deep sigh, using her fingers to wipe away her tears. If this didn't prove that I loved her, I don't know what would.
"There is nothing I want more than to see you in a white dress as I promise the rest of my life to you," I managed to speak, stepping closer to her. My hands caught her cheeks and my thumbs gently wiped away more stray tears. "But we need to take everything one step at a time. You can leave if you want, if you think it'll help you, but that doesn't mean I won't be here when you're better. Or you can stay and you can prove to me that you're willing to face me, to look at me and not see a monster. You have to accept everything I've done, but you also have to accept that I'm never going to back to who I was before. This is me, now, here in the flesh. This is me telling you that I'm getting better and I want to spend the rest of my life taking care of you and making you smile.. So what's it going to be, Ember? Stay or go?"
She blinked a few times, her eyes darting from me, to the door. It was a hard choice to make, I knew that. She had no idea where she belonged anymore. That, or she just didn't know if she'd be able to see me as anything more than what I was. Despite that, I wanted her to stay. It was one thing if I kept my distance from her to help her get better, but we'd be in a whole different universe if she left me like this, because this would be the end of us.
Letting a sigh fall past my teeth, I squeeze my eyes closed and inched closer to her face. Even if she decides to go, if that's what she thinks is best, I wanted her to feel how much I love her before she did. Our lips connected, my hands moving from her cheeks to her hair and I poured everything feeling I had about her into the kiss.
But was it enough to make her want to stay?
i love this story so fucking much
6/21/14