I didn't know where I was anymore. The room around me was so dark and cold. The people in my life thought I was dark and cold. My universe was completely crashing around me, but I knew the whole time this would happen. I knew that didn't love me, didn't care about me anymore. That's why they're trying to get rid of me. They're all turning against me. I'm turning against me.


Everyone was gone. I'd forced Ember to go along with the guys, because I just didn't want to deal with her tonight. She knew something, but I had no proof that she'd met with Zack and frankly, I didn't want to deal with it. What did they know? None of them were any better than I am.


Zack works out constantly to get his peace of mind. Alex fucks random girls to stop feeling lonely. Rian stays on his phone to feel like the one he loves still loves him. Vinny drinks too much. The rest of the crew do, too. Ember stays with me, because she feels like she's not worth anymore. We're the island of fucking misfit toys. We're all completely fucked in the head and we're all searching for something to make us feel better. Who are they to say I'm any worse off than they are? Fucking hypocrites.


There was only one thing I couldn't figure out in the middle of this entire mess:


Who the fuck am I?


In a handful of years, I went from being Jack Barakat, the happy-go-lucky guy everyone saw as a class clown, to being the kid who couldn't deal with his emotions and had to be on medication. I was the fucked-up fuck-up. Suddenly, I was better, at least that's what they told me. Now I'm snorting shit to get my kicks. How can anyone judge me when I can't even judge myself?


At least I wasn't blinded anymore. I could see everything that was wrong with everyone, from their lies, to their false friendship, down to the dirty, fucking-behind-my-back bullshit. My band consisted of a buch of fakes. Perhaps they were threatened by me because I'm the only one real enough to admit all the faults outloud. Fucking pathetic is what is it. And what's worse is that they're all keeping me here, just to fend for themselves. What would they be without me? Fucking nothing. If they tried to replace me, the fans would leave. I am loved beyond reason.


"Jack?"


Oh, fuck. How did they find me here? Where is here? This was my safe haven, wherever it was, and they weren't welcome, whoever they were.


"We have a show tomorrow. Why don't you come back and sober up?"


"I thought you fuckers left. Go away."


"Jack.. We didn't go anywhere. You did. And you told Ember to stay with us. We could barely make out what you were saying. How much did you have to drink tonight, buddy?"


Bullshit. Now they're trying to tell me lies, again. They did leave. They left and I made them take Ember with them.. Didn't I? If they left and I stayed, why was the room so cold? Where are the lights?


"Go. Away."


"Jack, I - I can't do that, man. I'm just doing my job here."


His feet echoed as he walked towards me. Pulling myself up so I was sitting, I glanced around me. There was light in the distance, but I realized I was outside. Nothing was as it seemed. The brick wall beside me revealed a neon sign. I'd passed out behind a bar. None of this registered with me.


"Come on, dude. I'll help you get back to the bus."


"Don't fucking touch me," I growled, pulling myself to my feet. The world seemed to come alive around me, but there was a pounding in my head. My hands instantly went for my pockets, but nothing was there I left it on the bus. I need to get back to the bus. "Thanks, but just.. Don't."


Matt held his arms up and shot me a confused look. I didn't have time to deal with his crap. I shoved past him in took off in what I hoped was the direction of the bus. Some of this looked familiar, but the rest of it looked like a scene from a nightmare. Like my demons were really walking the street, waiting to drag me to Hell. This has to end. I need my shit.


I ran as fast as I could, and by the time I finally found what I hoped to be my bus, I was out of breath. My head was spinning and I was starting to sink. I threw open the bus door, both thankful and pissed to see all of my band mates and girlfriend sitting around having a laugh. The moment I locked eyes with Ember, her smile fell. Alex even wrapped an arm around her, like he was going to stop me from yell. He didn't have to. I know what I'm after and it's not her.


I stumbled to my bunk and dug through everything until I found the bag. It was obvious that someone went through my shit, but I hid the bastard so good they couldn't find it. With a smile on my face, I backed away from my bed and turned toward the bathroom, but I could hear Matt climbing on the bus and Zack and Rian were standing in front of the door.


"What? Spill the beans, Merrick?"


"I didn't say a word," Zack challenged. Still, with the lying! "Where have you been?"


"That's really none of your concern. Move."


"Jack, are you in there dude?" Rian took a step forward, looking into my eyes while also looking past them. "Where is my best friend?"


"You motherfuckers slaughtered him," I smiled, bouncing my leg against the floor. I really needed the bathroom. "So you know what, everyone!" I tossed my arms in the air, calling everyone to pay attention to me, "you can stop worrying about me. Keep your fucking secrets to yourself. Keep lying to my face. Keep talking behind my back, and Gaskarth, feel free to keep fucking my girlfriend. I've had it with you guys. I'll do my thing and you do yours."


"We can't let that happen, dude. We still love you, no matter what's going on in your head right now."


"Jack, this is the last time I'm going to try to reason with you-"
"Fuck off, Dawson!" I screamed, raising my fist and slamming it through the wall of the bus. "Everyone just fuck off! I'll deal with you after the show tomorrow!"


Just like that, everyone backed away. Their faces went pale and they let me into the bathroom. Freedom, here I come.

Notes

Last update of the night. Feelings?