Love Feels Like War

Jack’s P.O.V.

Sitting in a booth at McDonald's with an Oreo Mcflurry, I came to the conclusion that ditching out of the venue had been a pretty good idea. Ashley had been in the middle of telling me about the time she had gotten tossed into the air in the middle of a crowd by a quarterback-sized dude during one of her first shows between bites of her M&M’s Mcflurry.

“Then when I hit solid ground, people just stepped on me!”

I couldn’t stop myself from laughing, “What the fuck is wrong with them?”

“I have no idea and they only got back when I ended up getting sick.”

“That’s so shitty and you still wanted to perform the way you do after that?”

“Yeah, I just don’t crowd surf as often.”

“But you’re saying that you still do it though.”

She chuckled, “On occasion.”

“You’re nuts.” I say with a shake of my head.

“Says the person that has had a tendency to run around naked in front of strangers.”

“At least I don’t get myself hurt in the process.”

“You are hurting others though.”

“How?”

“Their eyes.”

“Oh, fuck you!” I shouted as I threw the receipt at her, but she swatted it away before it could hit her as she fell into a fit of giggles.

As soon as my own laughter subsided I remarked, “I should’ve started hanging out with you earlier on.”

Her cheeks gained a pink tint as she shrugged, “Better late than never I guess.”

I nodded in agreement before glancing at the clock on the wall beside me, sighing as I saw what time it was. “We should probably start heading back.”

Ashley frowned slightly, but she slid out of the booth regardless murmuring, “It is getting pretty dark out.”

I followed suit by getting to my feet, “I wonder if they’ve noticed that we’ve been gone all this time.”

“They most likely have.”

“They’re gonna be pissed.”

“How long have we been gone?”

“Around two or so hours.”

She groaned as she ran a hand through her golden hair, but she quickly seemed to shove aside whatever was bothering her. “Well, before we have to face the music, I just wanted to let you know that I appreciated this little outing of ours.”

“It was really fun, we’ll have to try to do it more often.”

“You know something Jack, I think you and Nicole will work things out.”

“What do you mean?” I ask, confused by her suddenly bringing it back up.

“I’ve known her almost all of my life, I know when she likes someone because it’s so rare for her. I just want you to know that she definitely has a thing for you and I think what happened with Devin was probably not what you thought it was. The guy is super affectionate, almost to a fault.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because you’re a cool guy and I think you deserve to be happy.”

“Have you given up on me already?” I asked teasing her slightly.

“As if I even had a chance with you.”

“I never said that you didn’t.” I point out truthfully.

I had been so hung up on Nicole, on the chase of getting her attention, that I didn’t see that someone else was just waiting for me to notice them. It was sort of shocking that even though Ashley had some form of my attention now she was trying to steer me back to her friend because she figured that was what I truly wanted. If I’m being honest, I have no fucking clue what I want right now.

“God, this is so messy.” She muttered as she placed her hand over her face and shook her head.

“We’ll figure it out eventually, but for right now, let's just enjoy the tour and then work it out along the way. Okay?”

“Deal.” She said as she held out her hand to shake mine, but I just pulled her into a tight embrace.

She chuckled softly as her arms slowly wrapped around me mumbling, “I forget that everyone involved with All Time Low are firm believers in hugs.”

“You’ll get used to it.”

I felt her body suddenly tense as she inhaled sharply, making me lean back to read her expression, but her eyes were fixed towards the windows behind me. I let her go to peer over my shoulder to see what had her looking like a deer caught in the headlights and found Shaylynn glaring at us.

Ashley moved out of my hold and approached the exit with hesitant steps. Despite knowing what I was about to head out into, I did the same because I knew there was no real way of avoiding it that didn’t involve me booking it back to the tour bus.

As soon as we were outside Shay demanded, “What the hell were you two thinking? Everyone back at the venue has been searching for you, worried that something might have happened. If you both wanted to play hooky, you could have at least told someone instead of letting us all panic for no reason.”

“Don’t blame Ashley for this,” I cut in as I motion towards myself. “It was all my idea. In fact, she hadn’t wanted to do it until I talked her into it, so just go easy on her.”

“Fine, but I don’t think you understand what you might have just done.”

I raised an eyebrow at her, “What are you talking about?”

“I didn’t come out here looking for you both by myself, in fact it wasn’t even my idea to do it.”

That’s when what she was saying clicked, Alex, she had gone out searching with him. If he had seen that hug or any of what happened today, he’d be crushed. What the fuck had I been thinking? I had been hurting my best friend without a second thought.

“Am I missing something?” Ashley questioned, still looking somewhat like a scolded child.

My mind was now racing a million miles a second, I had to go to make this right. I shook my head as I rambled, “I can’t explain right now. I have to go fix this.”

Without another word, I took off in the direction of the concert venue, hoping that Alex would at least hear me out.

Alex’s P.O.V.

I fought to keep a level head while also trying to prevent myself from hyperventilating at the same time, which was never an easy task. The whole way back to the venue, I couldn’t stop myself from trying to make sense of what I had witnessed. It was just a simple hug, so why was I freaking out? No, it wasn’t about that, it was because the girl that I like and my best friend ran off together like they were in an old romantic movie. What happened to him ‘helping me get with her’?

I let out a frustrated groan, it felt useless to get upset over someone I was never involved with and yet here I was. When I reached the bus I found only Rian inside pacing back and forth between the bunks, but as soon as he heard me clear my throat he froze.

“Has anyone found them yet?”

“Shay and I did a couple of minutes ago.”

“Where did they even go?”

“They were just down the road from here,” I explained as I grabbed a bottle of bourbon from the counter and a plastic cup.

“What the hell were they doing?”

I filled the cup up halfway before tossing it back and then replying, “Going on a date I guess.”

That got him to frown deeply, “Alex, there’s no way-”

“You know what?” I cut him off, tossing the cup in the trash and putting the bottle back. “It doesn’t matter what they were doing. I’m done fighting for her interest. She has always made it crystal clear who she’s attracted to and I think it’s time that I take the hint.”

“I don’t get it though, why would Jack take her out if he has been trying to help hook you two up?”

“Shit, I don’t know and I don’t care. I’m just going to call it a night.” I mutter as I head for my bunk.

“I’ll be up here if you need anything,” Rian responds as he goes to sit on the couch and pulls out his phone. “Just get some sleep, today’s been a lot on all of us.”

I gave a dry laugh in agreement as I kicked off my shoes and pulled back the curtain away from my bed. I wormed my way inside before pulling it back tight, leaving me in total darkness. The longer I laid there, knowing that sleep was the furthest thing from my mind, the more frustrated I became with this whole situation. Since when do I let myself get so worked up over someone else this quickly? I had to admit to myself that I was being completely ridiculous.

I rolled over on my side, tugging my cover over the top of my head, now feeling restless. The sound of the bus door opening caught my ear a few minutes later, but I only paid close attention when I heard a new voice.

“Have you seen Lex recently?” Jack questioned while sounding out of breath.

“Yeah, he’s in his bunk getting some rest. Where are you going?”

“I need to talk to him.”

“Not right now you don’t. Would you mind telling me why you ran off with Ashley today like that?”

I could almost see the look of irritation on Jack’s face as he asks his own question, “What are you, my mom? I asked her if she wanted to get out of here because she looked like she was having a day that was just as shitty as mine.”

“Since when? Last I saw you, you had been pumped about getting Nicole to stay.”

“Well, things changed, okay? When I went back, I found Devin getting ready to kiss her and she didn’t appear to be trying to turn him down.”

“Did you actually see him do it?”

“No…”

“Then how do you know that they actually kissed?”

“I mean, I guess I don’t know for sure.”

I let out a sigh too quiet for them to hear, Jack had a tendency to do things like this.

“Besides why would she kiss someone else when not even two hours beforehand she admitted to liking you, a bit aggressively to be honest. Dude, you let your mind get ahead of itself too much sometimes.”

Jack let a long sigh, “I know and then I do dumb as fuck stuff like this.”

“What did you and Ashley even get up to?”

“We went to an arcade and then went to get Mcflurries at McDonald’s.”

“Well, that seems harmless enough.”

“Yeah, but I can only hope that Alex will see it that way too. I wasn’t trying to steal his girl.”

That’s when I decided to finally join the conversation and I pulled open the curtain calling out, “You don’t have to worry about it.”

Jack’s head whipped in my direction, “Hey man, were you awake for all that?”

“Never was able to go to sleep in the first place.”

“Well, either way, I just wanted you to know that nothing happened between me and Ash. It was strictly two friends trying to catch a break.”

“That’s totally fine. I’m not mad at you.” I tell him, surprised by the truth of it. “If anything, I should be thanking you for what you did.”

“Why’s that?” Rian asked, looking concerned and confused.

“Because it helped me realize that she isn’t someone I should be pursuing. I shouldn’t be seeking out anyone for me to get romantically involved with when I should be focusing on this tour.”

“Since fucking when are you this person?” Rian continued because Jack appeared too shocked to speak.

“Since I figured out she will never like me like that and I need to get over it. The idea of Jack trying to push us together sounded fun at first and now it’s just starting to hurt because I know it’s not worth it.”


Both Jack and Rian gave me saddened looks now, but Jack finally decided to be the one to speak up again, “C’mon Alex, you can’t be serious. How can you change your mind just like that?”

I shrugged slightly as I said, “I don’t think I really have a choice either way.”

Ashley’s P.O.V.

“Listen Ashley, I think you’re a cool person and all, but what the hell is wrong with you today?”

I could only blink for a second at Shay’s blunt question, she usually was never like this, but I understood where she was coming from. We walked in silence for a moment as I did my best to collect my thoughts into something that might make sense to her. I glanced over at her discovering that she appeared to be in deep thought herself.

“To be honest, in the past I’ve had an issue with quite literally running away from my problems when they were too much. I went along with Jack because escaping for a little while made sense to me at the time.” I explain even though it embarrassed me to have to own up to that habit.

“Couldn’t you have at least left a note behind?”

“You’re going to think I’m an idiot, but neither of us seemed to even think about it.”

Shaylynn let out a huff of air as she muttered, “Maybe you and Jack are perfect for each other after all.”

I bit at the inside of my cheek, feeling guilty and yet somehow thrilled at that notion.

She must have been able to read my expression somewhat as she adds, “Without saying too much about something that isn’t my place to tell you, I think you need to be careful about how you spend time with Jack.”

“And how would I do that?”

“First off, I’d suggest that you don’t run off together like that again, just for the safety of you both. Other than that, just be aware that what goes on between the two of you might hurt other people.”

A thought instantly flashed through my mind, “Nicole doesn’t know, does she?”

“She probably does, but I don’t know for sure.”

“Fuck, she’s never going to forgive me now.”

“But, I’m not only talking about her.”

That confused me enough to make me halt, “Do you have a thing for Jack too?”

“What? No, I…” Shay stammered as her face contorted like she had just eaten a lemon, but then she lowered her voice, “I actually sort of like Liam.”

I let out a surprised laugh, astonished that she was willing to confess something like that out loud to me. “Well, our little Lima bean will be delighted when he finds that out.”

“Please don’t say anything to him.” She pleaded with a worried look in her eyes.

“Alright, your secret is safe with me, but just so you know, I think the feeling is mutual for him. He lights up like a firework when you’re around.”

Her face became even pinker at that, “I guess that’s a good sign.”

“You can rest assured that Liam had a better grasp on what his emotions are compared to the rest of us in the band. So, yeah, that’s a really good sign.”

She chuckled as she cast her eyes in the direction in front of us, as if that would hide her ever darkening blush.

I couldn’t help smiling slightly at Shay’s behavior, noticing the stark change in it from earlier. So I remark, “I’m glad to see that this tour is still going well for at least somebody.”

Her expression faltered somewhat, making me regret my words. She recovered it swiftly, trying her hardest to make her smile reassuring as she tells me, “It will find a way to get better and in case you haven’t heard, your band mates got Nicole to stay.”

“I bet they’re all still pretty pissed at me though.” I mutter as I picture what will probably be waiting for me on the bus, but it wasn’t like I didn’t deserve it.

“I think you all just need to have a discussion as a group of friends and not just as a band.”

My overactive imagination began to take over as I thought about what that discussion would look like. “What if they want me out now since I’m the one that has been causing all of the problems?”

“I don’t see them doing something that drastic.”

“You’d be surprised. Devin and Bree got in an argument about whether or not ‘Rock Your Body’ was a better song than ‘Cry Me a River’.”

“Aren’t those Justin Timberlake songs?”

I nodded with a sharp laugh, “They are. The two of them didn’t speak to each other for almost a week even though the rest of us tried to explain how ridiculous they were being.”

“‘Cry Me a River’ is obviously the superior one.”

“Don’t let Devin hear you say that.” I point out, making us both laugh despite my worry.

My chuckles died away as we approached the LLC bus, dreading what I had to go face.

Shaylynn rested a hand on my shoulder murmuring, “Don’t worry, you’ve got this. Make sure you keep in mind what you all started the band for and that should help you maintain a clear head.”

“Thanks.” I say as I gave her the bravest smile I could muster before turning to open the bus door. I climbed the stairs hesitantly, fretting over what kind of backlash might be awaiting me.

“Well, look who decided to finally reappear.” Bree remarks as soon as we make eye contact, giving me an unreadable look as she sits her water bottle down. “Hey, Ash is back!”

As much as I wanted to protest having the rest of the band come to confront me right away, I knew that I didn’t really have any other options. I was a bit shocked to see that only Nicole stepped into the tiny kitchenette space, maybe the boys didn’t want to bother with me at this point. There was a storm of emotions in Nicole’s expression and I could only brace myself for which one she would decide to release on me first.

“Well, I will leave you two to it then. If you need me, I’ll be in my bunk catching up on my Netflix shows.” Bree states as she grabs her drink, nods to us both, and then heads back to the bunks.

As soon as we were alone, Nicole chose to speak at last, “So, I think it’s time we talked about everything that’s been going on lately.”

Nicole’s P.O.V.

Ashley reminded me more of a deer in the headlights than any one had ever done in that moment and the first words out of her mouth surprised me. “Nothing happened between me and Jack, I promise.”
I tried with all my might to ignore the twist in my gut for the moment, but the sound of my voice betrayed me as it came out too high. “What were you two doing then?”

She proceeded to explain their little trek around town, how it had been more of Jack’s idea than her’s, and his reasoning behind it.

“Wait,” I interrupt before she can go on. “He thought that Devin and I kissed? That’s gross!”

“Hey! I’m not gross, I’m a solid seven and you all know that!” Devin shouts from somewhere in the back of the bus, clearly listening to us.

“I know that, Dev. You just aren’t my type.”

“And you are not mine. My dream girl is Maria Brink.”

“I can’t say I’m surprised,” I murmur to Ashley without thinking. Now wasn’t the time to be joking around with her.

Ashley let out a small laugh, “That’s pretty much what I told Jack. I said that I usually can tell when she’s into someone and that someone clearly wasn’t our bandmate.”

“Well, if that’s true, why have you been trying to get with him this whole time?” I question as my irritation returns at full force.

She chewed at her lip for a moment before speaking, “I kept telling myself that I wasn’t letting go of my little crush on him because I wasn’t completely sure how you felt about him. If I’m being honest though, I knew that you had a thing for him from the start, but…”

“But, what?” I prompted after she trailed off and her gaze drifted to the floor.

“I guess some part of me is still hung up on all that had happened with Chris and…” She trailed off as the expression of shame twisted her features. “I’m still not sure if it was more of a payback thing-”

I instantly cut her off at that. “You and I both know I had nothing to do with that mess. I never ever entertained Chris’s bullshit for even a second.”

“I know!” She protested as her hands shot up in defense. “I know that, okay? It really struck me just how ridiculous and cruel I was being when I was hanging out with him earlier.”

“When exactly did it occur to you? After you got caught?”

“No, it was from the moment he started telling me about what he’d thought he had seen between you and Devin, which was right when we got to the arcade. It was the first place we went. I did my best to assure him that you obviously had feelings for him and I knew that in my heart that I had no place of getting in the way of that anymore.”

All I could do was blink at her for a moment, unsure if I should trust what she was saying. Had she really tried to vouch for me while she had run off with him?

“I understand if you don’t believe me or care about why I did what I did, but I can promise you that I am telling the truth.” She adds before letting out a heavy sigh. “I guess that’s the only explanation I can give you right now and to say that I truly am sorry that I’ve been hurting you during this tour.”

Now that I was feeling unsure as to what to say to her about this whole issue, I decided to address something else that was still managing to eat at the back of my mind. “Did you and him talk about how you feel about him?”

“A bit.”

“And what did he say? How does he feel about you?”

She swallowed hard and was clearly having a hard time meeting my gaze as she murmured, “He seemed to be having a hard time with that.”

I nodded in understanding, some part of Jack saw Ashley as another option if things didn’t work out between him and me. I wasn’t sure if Ashley saw it the way that I did, that I was now in her shoes. Jack might just be on his way to becoming my own Chris and I wasn’t about to let that happen to me.

Things were awkward on the bus for the rest of the night and the rest of the morning, thankfully though today was a day of driving to the next venue. The bus was quieter than it had ever been before and it was unsettling, to say the least, but I decided to fill up the void by practicing in the back of the bus so I wouldn’t disturb the rest of the band too much. I hadn’t failed to notice that Jack hadn’t texted me at all since last night and that was probably a good choice because I wasn’t sure what I might say at this point. I did my best to force my focus on the guitar in my lap and not the guitar player in my head, but that seemed to be a losing battle.

My thoughts suddenly took a back seat when the bus bounced as if we had hit a massive pothole.

“What the hell was that?” Liam questioned as his head shot out of his bunk.

“I think we have a flat,” Bree called from the front of the tour bus. “Anyone know how to change a tire?”

“Fan-fucking-tastic.” Devin grumbled as he pulled out his phone. “We’re musicians, of course we don’t know how to do that.”

“That doesn’t mean you wouldn’t know how to take care of a car.” Bree argued as she pulled over on the side of the road.

“For us it does. Hold on I’m calling ATL to let them know what happened.”

I sat my guitar back in its case before heading over to peer out the wind to find that we were parked next to an expansive field with only several rolls of hay dotting the landscape. Something like this just had to happen in the middle of nowhere. Could we not get a break?

“Okay,” Devin calls out a few minutes later. “They should be here in just a bit. Thankfully their tour bus driver can take care of this. I’m going to head out there to wait for them.”

Liam got out of his bunk to follow Devin at that and Bree was quick to join them, leaving behind only Ashley and me. I sat there in the silence for a beat before finally deciding to make my way to Ashley’s bunk. I gently pried back her curtain to find her staring up at nothing with her headphones in, so I gave her a soft tap on the shoulder. I waited for her to take out one earbud and for her eyes to drift over to me.

I gave her a weak smile before asking, “Would you mind helping me with this song?”

Notes