Jack has been in the hospital for 49 hours and 7 minutes of his 72 hour stay (not that I 'm counting.) I'm currently laying next to him on his way-to-small-for-two-people hospital bed and playing with the dyed blonde pieces of his soft hair. I have only left his side once, and that was too get us both clothes for the stay. The nurses tried to, and were supposed to, make me me leave after visiting hours were over, but Jack used some heart string pulling mix of pity and concern to get them to let me stay. I wasn't here to see the performance, but I'm sure it was something about how he needed me and if it weren't for me he wouldn't be alive, blah blah blah. I'm glad he did it though because I really didn't want to leave.

In the past 49 hours and now 23 minutes Jack has become really distant. Sure I am pressed against his body in a hospital bed, but he's not melting into my touch as he usually does. His kisses seem stiff, words rehearsed, almost like he didn't really want me anymore. I let the feeling shrug off my shoulder, but I can't seem to quiet shake it.

The worst thing about this was seeing Jacks parents react. They of course didn't know about this before and when they arrived there was a lot of awkward explaining and tears. Most came on Joyce's part, but Jack and Bassam shed a few too. I really hated being in the room when this happened. It really made me wonder how my parents react. I'm sure my dad would care a bit more than my mom. He always seems more loving than her. I feel like my mother would get more angry than anything, no where near the lines of the sobbing Joyce Barakat. My mother would probably ask why on earth I would do this, and I have it so good what could she do better? I wouldn't have any answers though. I would probably lay there and not talk to her if I'm being honest. My father on the other hand would just hug me and say he loves me and tell me he was always here to talk. That's all I really need, a hug.

Jack's parents have since left with my promises to stay with him as comfort. Jack has been asleep for about an hour. I tried to join him, but in about 3 minutes I realized it was futile and instead resorted to allowing my thoughts to drive me crazy. I haven't self-harmed once since he's been here, which I guess isn't that long, but I'm used to doing it everyday. The thing is though I don't have the urge to do it anymore. I don't feel like I need that cool blade pressed to my skin or that I need to see the blood. The pain doesn't seem intriguing anymore. I guess this would be good if it weren't for the fact that as that urge goes down, the urge to kill myself goes up. Never in my life have I wanted to die so badly. Its like if I were walking down the street and someone held a gun to my head I wouldn't run, I wouldn't bargain, I wouldn't do anything but stand there and let them shoot me. I still know I won't kill myself, especially after seeing Jack's parents react, and knowing first hand how Jack would feel if I did. I just really really don't see the point in progressing in life and that's really concerning. I don't want to kill myself, but I have become so apathetic about everything that I don't see any other end, and I'm scared. All I want to do is lie in my bed and not move, or better yet fall asleep and wake up when not everything feels pointless anymore. I wonder if I'm depressed? Is this what being depressed feels like? (A/N real question please answer in comments if you can.) However I do refuse to say that I'm going to stop cutting because I know that one day I will pick that blade back up and when I do I don't want to be disappointed. So I won't pick up that blade until I feel like I need to, but when I do need to it won't be relapse. I tried to stop once, about 3 months after I started. I quit for 3 weeks before relapsing and cutting deeper than ever do to my own disappointment. So this time I'm not quitting, I just don't want to do it anymore. Who knows, maybe one day the urge will just disappear completely.

There's one thing I'm holding on to though. That falling feeling. The one for Jack that just grows stronger everyday. I really want to fall completely in love with him. I want to know that he loves me back, and I want to see how it will play out. So maybe I owe Jack my life more than he owes me his, because while I was the one to drive him to the hospital he is the one that is stopping me from going there in the first place. But this distance he's putting between us scares me, because what if it's more than I want to think. What if he's lost interest in me or thinks I'm not worth his time? What if he thinks that I don't deserve him after this...episode? I hope it's just the emotional shock of the whole situation, but I don't know.

I move my hand down the side of his arm and lightly trace the gauze on his wrist. There were 4 cuts, all deep, all horizontal. Horizontal, that's what lets me know that this was a true accident, that he wasn't trying to die. My finger moves back up his arm and to his neck where I place I light kiss. I trail my lips up to his ear where I whisper, “Never leave me,” my finger coming back down to trace his forearm. That's when the sleep truly hits me, and I bury my face into his hair.

Right before my brain shuts off entirely I hear a tired whisper above me, “Wouldn't dream of it,” my lips pull into a small smile and before I can respond, sleep pulls me under completely.

Notes

#emilywritesherlife

Btw i do not condone self-harm, do not let the fear of relapse stop you from recovering, i believe in you. If you want to talk my tumblr ask is always open (emilyisnotsocial) you don't have to follow me, its open to all, or you can message me on here.


~Thank you very much for reading, love you guys lots and lots. Don't be a silent reader~