Shaken and Tried

I really really enjoy falling. I realized this about 3 years ago when we went on a family lake trip and my dad told me I could jump off the cliff. I was really excited because I had never been able to do so before because my mom wouldn't let me, but this time she wasn't there and she didn't have to know. Now this wasn't one of those organized by the company, tiled walkway 100% safety guarantee cliffs, no it was a rock jutting out of the side of a hill that you have to climb up to cliff, and there was no way off but to jump. I was standing at the top, knees knocking together and covered mud from the climb up, when I realized I had to jump. There was no other option and standing there was pointless. Fear was coursing through my veins, but with a simple moment of “why the fuck not” I simply walked off the cliff, no counting, no preparation, just jump. Just jump, it continues to be my motto when it comes to most anything. I had been told to keep my body straight, but when I didn't immediately hit water I opened my eyes and let my body go slack, causing quiet a painful landing, but I came out of the water after seeing the land rush past my view giggling like an idiot. I ended up going 4 more times and determined that, while I was petrified of heights, I absolutely love falling. It's the closest you can get to flying and I think that's amazing. I believe that's how I would end it all if it came to it. I'd find a really tall building or cliff or bridge, and just jump. At least my last few moments would be exhilarating.

The kind of falling I am experiencing at the moment, however, is a completely foreign one to me, and it's terrifying. This one requires a catcher, a person you trust enough to give you a soft landing. No water, no parachute, but a person. The person, in this case, is Jack. I'm falling for him, hard. While I can't yet say I love him, I've only known the guy 3 months, I can definitely say I will soon. Falling in love has always been one of my biggest fears. The way I see it, it can only end in pain. Either a) they don't love you back b) you break up later on or c) you love them for the rest of you life, learn to depend on each other for everything and then they die and leave you all alone. So yeah I'm scared, petrified even, but I'm not going to stop myself because like I said, I love falling and what's life without a little bit of pain.

This dawned on me when I woke up this morning. I was alone in my bed seeing as Jack didn't stay the previous night, and it seemed a little too cold and empty for comfort. I snap out of my thoughts and kick around my legs until they're untangled from the blankets before stumbling my way to the kitchen, happy that we have school off for staff meeting today.

After rummaging through the pantry and fridge and finding nothing, I see twenty dollars left on the counter with a note from my mother saying she wouldn't be home all day. I smile and run up stairs, calling Jack to say we were going out to lunch and to be ready in thirty minutes, before quickly getting myself ready.

I pull up outside of Jack's house 32 minutes later and lightly honk my horn to get his attention. My lips tug themselves into a smile at the beautiful boy, my beautiful boy, walking out the front door. No wonder he has me falling for him, he is absolutely perfect, beautiful in every way. Jack returns my smile and crawls into the passenger seat, buckling up only after he kisses me lightly on the lips.

“Where to beautiful?” I ask Jack while pulling away from his house.

He laughs lightly before answering, “I don't care, but I have twenty bucks so we should go to a movie too.”

**

Lunch was okay, we ended up just going to Jack in the Box, but lunch wasn't what I cared about right now. Right now I was sitting in the middle of a movie theater perfumed with the gag inducing scent of popcorn on sticky seats with the boy of my dreams cowered in my side. Jack chose some scary movie I can't remember the name of that I'm not watching and I'm about 109% sure its so he could hide in my neck the whole time and have an excuse. Not that I'm complaining though. It's absolutely adorable the way his eyes are wide towards the screen, hugging my arm and pressing into my side. The way he jumps every time something jumps out makes me giggle, and the light whimper he gives is purely heart-melting. I'm watching him rather than the movie and filling my gut with the best candy in the world (aka Reeses Pieces) while managing to hold in pee and drink an entire large coke at the same time. I busy myself with Jacks hair, twirling the blonde pieces in between my fingers and examining them in the dim light. I move my eyes down to his sleeve covered arm and think about what lays underneath. I try and remember where each scar is. The placement and color, and wonder why each one happened. He said when he first came out his dad didn't support him, and I wonder if there's still scars from back then. Perhaps there are, just layered under newer, pinker ones.

By the time the movie's over Jack is practically on my lap and I have barely managed not to piss my pants. You see I would have gone long ago but I didn't want to make Jack move or leave him alone when he seemed pretty scared. Damn, I must be falling for him if I care more about his comfort during a movie than the safety of my bladder and pants.

The car ride home is a silent one. Jack is still shaking a little from the movie, so I play with his fingers while I drive. The sun is beginning to set and we decide to go to Jacks house and have me stay the night. I don't feel like stopping at home so I guess I'll just steal Jacks clothes in the morning.

When we get back to Jacks house we immediately retreat to his room and begin a game of Mario Cart on his playstation. After about an hour we get bored and settle for cuddling on his bed and talking. I twirl the end of Jack's hoodie sleeve in my fingers and tug it light up his arm. I feel Jack's body tense slightly so rub his other hand with my thumb before feeling him relax again. I examine each scar, counting 63 visible ones. I counted my entire body once, I had 306 total, but only 20 on my arm, but I haven't counted in a while.

“How long have you...” I trail off.

Jack thinks a little before answering, “Um I think like a year and four months,” I've been about 7 months.

“Do you think you're gonna stop?” I ask.

“No, well yes because I don't really have the desire much anymore, but some nights I still do, so I'm not going to tell myself I'm going to stop just to be disappointed when I relapse.”

“Why don't you have the desire anymore?”

“You,” Jack replies simply.

“Oh,”

“But I promise to never go too deep, because I couldn't do that to us.”

“Me too,” I promise with him.

Little did I know that was a promise neither of us could keep.

Notes

Oh my god it has been forever, i am so so sorry. I have been crazy busy but i swear i will be better. I'm SO sorry

(I wonder if anyone will get excited to see that this updated)

~~Thank you so much for reading, i love you guys. Please don't be a silent reader, all comments are appreciated~~

p.s. you should check out my friends new story on piercetheveilfanfiction.com it's called Surprise, Surprise I'm alone and its really good :D
here's a link if it will work: http://www.piercetheveilfanfiction.com/Story/21392/Surprise-surprise-Im-alone/