You Felt It Once Before

The room was spinning around me. The lights were dim, but they were a pretty blue. Arms were flying in the air around me as dozens of bodies pushed closer to one another, each of them screaming for their favorite band to take the stage. I could feel my stomach turn as so many different scents mixed around my nose. There was nowhere for me to go, no way I could escape. I was trapped in the middle of a crowd, and every time they called for the band, I was shoved a little closer to the bar that protected the stage.

If it wasn't for this stupid article I had to write, I wouldn't be here. My heart would be exploding in my chest, my head would be throbbing against my skull, air would still be forcing my lungs to rise and fall. I tried to tell my boss that this was a bad idea, that I just couldn't do it, but for the sake of the magazine I had to push through.

The lights were blinding my eyes. The calming blue had disappeared. It was replaced with a multi-colored flashing. No matter which way I turned my head, I could only see the crowd through a strobe. I could feel my stomach tighten. I thought I was going to be sick.

They were screaming louder now. So loud, I could have sworn I would go deaf. The only thing on that stage was a few mic stands and a drum set. I knew who they belonged to, though I wished I didn't. I wish I didn't miss those boys at all.

Moments later, four boys appeared on the stage. I could feel elbows crack me in the back, and if it weren't for the few people in front of me, I would have stumbled over. My body became so forced into those people that I thought my entire body would be crushed, but at that moment in time, I didn't mind the pressure. It was my heart that was in pain now. They stood so tall.. So proud. All Time Low was right there.

Rian Dawson, so sweet and smart, took his place behind the drums. He crashed down on them one good time, making the young girls around me scream so loud it could have broken glass. He didn't look much different, happier maybe, but not different.

Zack Merrick was off to the right. He had his guitar around his shoulder. He flashed a smile and a wave to the crowd, his large muscles making them melt. He had always been shy and reserved, so when he turned his back to the crowd and put his head down to play with his guitar, I wasn't at all surprised.

Then, there was Jack Barakat. He looked well. Much better than when I had last saw him. I could feel butterflies in my stomach when I saw his hair, he went back to the skunk look. That was always my favorite. He held his guitar high over his head and made a face at the crowd. Each of them let out a laugh. Jack always knew how to be funny. I thought it would be harder, seeing him again. That beauiful face and that lanky body. But instead of feeling pain, I just felt a tug in my heart. That used to be mine, that crazy boy that everyone loves.. And I ruined him.

I tore my eyes away from Jack and finally faced the one person I most dreaded to see. The rumors were true, age made him even more attractive. Standing there with a beanie cocked sideways on his head, with a goofy grin to match. I watched intently as he pushed his messy bangs to the side and stepped up to the microphone. I thought that after all these years, and all the distant I put between myself and that band, I would have no more love left to give him. But I was wrong. Staring at Alexander Gaskarth on that stage nearly put tears in my eyes. I remembered every little detail of our time together. I remember his rough fingertips on my face, I remember his gentle lips on mine, I even remember his taste.

I will never forgive myself for what I did to Jack Barakat, but I could live with that. It was walking away from the love of my life that kept me up at night. Not a day goes by that I don't remember his face, or long for his touch. I was only seventeen-years-old when I fell in love with Alex, and standing here now, twenty-three, I could still feel every emotion that I felt when we were together.

I didn't want to still be in love with him.

My eyes never left Alex, not even when someone would attempt to knock me out of the way. I stood firm, blocking out the rest of the world so I could soak in every moment of seeing his face again. The boy smiled brightly and began playing his guitar. I didn't know what he was playing, because despite being forced to come here tonight, I still kept All Time Low out of my life.

"I wish you could see your face right now, 'cause you're grinnin' like a fool."

His voice slowed my heart. The panic I was feeling just moments ago was slowly leaving my body. He was still the same old Alex. Well known, and well loved, but he was still my Alex. I smiled into the melody. He didn't even know I was in the crowd, it wouldn't hurt to lose myself in him just one last time. I closed my eyes and relaxed into the crowd. They were singing loudly, but Alex was louder. Even with their cameras and phones held high in the air, they simply swayed. Alex did always have a way of calming a beast.

My emotions were spinning out of control. It had been six years since I last heard Alex's voice, or even saw his face, but I felt these lyrics went straight into my soul. It pained me to think it was for any other girl, even Lisa, who I once took such pity on. He will always belong to me, whether he knows it or not.

My mind was wandering back to the first time Alex told me he wanted to meet me private. We were finally given some alone time together, and he pulled my hand close to my body just to ask how Jack had landed a girl like me. I knew as soon as I looked into his chocolate eyes that he had stolen me right out of Jack's arms. It was a mess, it was dangerous, and it hurt like Hell. But I'd do it all over again, just for one more day by his side.

I could hear the music starting to come to an end. My eyes fluttered open, sending tears down my cheeks.

"We never stood a chance out there, shooting love in real-time. So we'll take it over ice tonight, with a little salt, and a little lime."

I locked my eyes on his. He would close them for a moment or two, putting his whole heart into the words he was singing, but when they opened and he stared out at everyone; I feared he would see me in the crowd, but at the same time, I was hoping for it. I wondered if he missed me, if he ever thought of me. I even wondered how badly Jack would talk down about me if given the chance. A sigh fell from my mouth.

And that's when it happened, while I was so wrapped up in my messed up, Alex found me in the crowd. He was staring at me, but I felt like he was staring right through me. My heart started thumping again as my breath caught in my throat. Did he even recognize me?

"You're just a daydream away, I wouldn't know what to say if I had you."

My heart shattered. I watched in absolute shock as Alex ripped the guitar from his body, smashing it roughly against the stage. He threw his arms in the air when Jack Barakat came rushing to his aid. The crowd was sucking in their air, confused by the scene. I could feel all the eyes around me burning holes in my body when Alex pointed in my directoin. The look on Jack's face when he found me in the crowd made me want to hang myself. His happy facce went lifeless. His eyes became dark. Zack Merrick had to pull his wounded body from the stage.

Rian jumped up from his seat. He shot me a glace before he rushed to his bandmate. Alex was yelling, but it was too loud for me to understand what he was saying. All I really knew was that, he had his back turned to me, and Rian kept sending me dirty looks. It was a horror show.

When I saw Matt appear on the stage, I knew that he was going to cancel the show. It was for the best that we part ways, I knew that, but my heart had something else in mind. I tried so hard to keep my legs nailed to the ground. I failed. As soon as Alex went to walk off stage with Rian, I started pushing my way through the crowd. Nothing was going to stop me this time. Not the angry fans, not the accusing eyes. I let Alex go once, I wouldn't do it again.

"Alex, please stop!" My voice was booming through the silent venue. Even Matt stepped back from the microphone so I could speak. "Alex, please!"

But I felt all hope was lost.

Notes