I tried not to cry as I left. I could not forget the look on Alex’s face, the vulnerability, when I had said these horrible words. I did not mean to hurt him, I was only panicking and this somehow came out of my mouth. But now it was too late. Once said, nothing can be unsaid.

I felt first sobs escaping as I arrived at the public toilet at McDonalds near to the hotel. I got in a stall. And I tried to purge, but it just didn’t work. I had to think of Alex too much, and I couldn’t bring myself to do it. So after 40 minutes of trying, I went back to the hotel. I really didn’t want to, but my phone was in there. And I felt the need to fix things with Alex. So I went to a flower shop and bought roses. Alex loved roses, and I desperately hoped he still loved me.

At the hotel, my anxiety suddenly was somewhere beyond tolerable. I couldn’t think anymore. What if Alex had taken my words serious? What if he was in a pool of his own blood, slowly dying? What if he was already dead?!

But it was all very different. I opened the room’s door. Alex was not lying in his own blood, but instead had his head in Rian’s lap. I could feel my heart break. Literally feel it break.

“Alex… Rian… What the fuck is going on here?” I heard myself say. Alex wanted to explain something, but I didn’t hear. Then Rian said something that made my heart feel like it was thrown into a mixer. “Jack, Alex told me he never loved you.”

I ignored Alex’s pleas, saying that Rian was lying. I had seen them both, about to kiss, Alex’s head in Rian’s lap. I went downstairs, into the lobby. I sat down on a cushioned chair, feeling numb. The events of just a minute ago were replying in my head over and over.

I remembered my phone. I wanted to call Zack, asking if he could pick me up, but it meant going back. Everything inside me refused to, but I had to.

I opened the door again, absolutely not expecting what was inside. Rian was sat on Alex, only in his boxers, having gagged Alex with his t-shirt. I could see Alex crying, it was obvious that this was not consensual. In that moment, something inside me snapped. My eyesight went red, and I punched Rian in his face. Hard. He fell over but was still conscious. I punched him again, and then kicked him in the balls. Rian was done, so I hurried to help Alex. I removed Rian’s t-shirt, and gently cupped his face in my hands.

“Alex. My baby dandelion. I am so sorry I didn’t believe you. I should’ve believed you, you would never lie to me. And most of all, I am sorry for telling you… to cut yourself. I shouldn’t have done this. Alex, I was so upset, and I sometimes am a dickface when I am upset. Alex…”

He hugged me, tears streaming from his eyes. “Jack, I forgive you. I don’t know what happened. I stood up and blacked out after you left, and when I woke up, Rian was there… and… I… he tried to…” His sobs get louder and he turns pale.

“Shh, my baby. It is okay now, I am here. Rian is out, at least for now. If he ever tries to touch you again, he won’t only be unconscious for some time, but more permanently. I will protect you. Shhh.”

Alex continued to cry and shake. I didn’t know what to do at first, but then I remembered the lullaby and I began singing it.

Alex was very scared, and I knew the whole thing would cause him even more problems than what he already had. His breathing became calmer over time and he fell asleep. Careful not to wake him, I picked him up and carried him to the bed.

Next, I went over to Rian, he was still a human after all. He was still passed out, and some blood was trickling from his nose. I was satisfied with what I had done and I was ready to face the consequences. I dialled 911 and let them take Rian. I told them he had tried to rape Alex and I had punched him only because of that.

Finally, I went to Alex and snuggled close to him. I hoped everything was okay for our relationship now, and with that thought I tried to sleep.

Notes

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-Laura