Running from recovery
One letter explaining it all, yet she still doesn't bother to call
Its been 4 days since I caught Zack cheating on me, he's tried talking to me in English, but I just ignore him. Brylee smirks a me whenever I see her, because she knows how she's made me feel and she's loving every moment of it. Adam doesn't know that I've started self harming again, I hate myself for it because Dad and Adam are doing everything they can to make me feel better, but its like Zack's ripped my world apart and left me feeling helpless, and even though I want to give him a second chance, I just can't bring myself to do it, because I know I wont be able to handle the pain if this ever happens again.
“Emma, its time to get up” Adam said softly as he walked into my room. I turned over and looked at him.
“You look like you've been crying again” He pointed out.
“That's because I have” I whispered back.
“There's only 6 more weeks left until we go home for 2 weeks” He replied.
“6 weeks is a very long time” I said as I turned and looked up at the ceiling.
“It'll fly by, Em. Trust me” He smiled. I sat up and looked at him.
“I miss him, Adam” I sighed.
“I know. But giving him a second chance is a bad idea. You can do this Emma, you're stronger than you think” Adam said as he came over and hugged me.
“You're the best brother in the world Ads” I smiled. He pulled out of the hug and smiled down at me.
“I know I am” He laughed. I laughed too.
“And you're very big headed” I added.
“Now get ready, Dad's giving us a lift” Adam said. I nodded and he left the room. I put on a blue and white stripped long sleeved top with black skinny jeans and my blue converse. Then I applied my eye-liner, cleaned my teeth then went downstairs. Mum, Dad and Adam were sitting in the kitchen eating breakfast. Adam slid a plate of toast over to me and I ate it all up.
“Right, you two go get in the car, I'll just get my shoes on and I'll be out in a minute” Dad said. Me and Adam got in the back seat of Dads car and waited about two minutes before Dad jumped into the drivers seat.
“Lets roll” Dad said and started the car. The drive was silent, but its what I preferred. I didn't really feel like talking today.
Dad parked just outside school and me and Adam made our way to our first lessons. Just as I was about to walk away from Adam to English, he pulled me into a hug. I pulled out first, smiled at him then carried on to English. I walked into class and slumped down into my seat. Zack wasn't here yet, which is good, except I found myself worrying about him, wondering where he was, if he was alright, because Zack Merrick is never late to anything. But all my stupid, uncontrollable worrying was for nothing, because about a minute after class started, Zack ran in and he looked terrible. No, not in the sense of unattractive terrible, he looked like he hadn't gotten any sleep and his hair was a mess. He apologised to his lateness then fell into his seat next to mine. He looked at me and smiled, I just turned away.
Miss Main ended class half way through and told us to do whatever we wanted for the last 45 minutes. I hated it when teachers did this, because nobody ever spoke to me. I put my earphones in and put on some Get Scared. Half way through At My Worst I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. I turned and saw Zack smiling at me. I sighed, took my earphones out and looked at him.
“What do you want?” I spat.
“I'm sorry” He said.
“That's it, is it Zack? Just a plain 'I'm sorry'? You really think that's going to fix everything, that I'm just going to come running back to you because you know how to apologise? Well think again” I half shouted. He pretty much ignored what I said and nodded towards my wrist.
“You're sleeve's rolled itself up.” He said. I looked down at my wrist, 6 cuts on show for the whole world to see. My mouth opened and closed uncontrollably as I looked between my wrist and Zack. I yanked my sleeve back down and avoided eye contact with Zack.
“Does Adam know?” He asked.
“No” I said. I didn't look at Zack when I said this, I just looked straight ahead.
“Do you want me to tell him?” Zack asked.
“Don't you dare say a word about this to Adam or so help me I will come to your house and” I didn't know how to finish my sentence, so I ended it there.
“And what Emma?” Zack smirked.
“I don't know, just don't you dare tell him” I said and then we were both silent.
“Is it because of me?” Zack asked about 5 minutes later.
“What?” I asked, I had completely zoned out.
“The cuts on your wrist, is it because of me?” He asked.
“Oh don't flatter yourself Zack” I replied. And with that, we were both silent again, he didn't talk to me for the rest of the lesson. And I was glad about that, because, if I'm honest. Every time he spoke to me, the wall I built against him crumbled down bit by bit, and I hated him for that. He knew the way into my heart, and he was definitely using that against me, and I'm determined to keep him out. For good this time.
School finally ended and I was glad to be out of there, now I could go home and try to forget the conversation Zack and I had this morning. I met Adam at the gate and we started walking home.
“Zack said sorry” I said after a few minutes of silence. Adam looked at me.
“And what did you say?” He asked.
“I told him that an apology wasn't going to cut it. Then I didn't talk to him again.” I said.
“Good. You don't need him, especially after everything that happened. I thought he was good for you, but he really wasn't.” Adam said.
“I wish we never moved out here” I sighed.
“Sometimes, I do too. Everything would've been so much simpler.” Adam agreed. We didn't talk about much after that, just about homework and teachers mostly.
We got home and I went straight up to my room. Adam said he was going to play on his Xbox for a bit, which meant I probably had about an hour or two to myself, and I hated myself for thinking about it, but I knew exactly what I needed. I closed my bedroom door then went and got my little box out of the back of my wardrobe. I pulled out a decent sized blade and sat down on my bed. I slid the cool metal across my wrist and felt the shivers down my spine. The blood came out in a perfect crimson dotted line and I smiled, it felt good, it made me forget Zack. It made me forget everything. I was in ecstasy, and in this moment, nothing could bring me down. Its strange how we find such relief in the things that are so bad for us.
After 15 minutes of sitting there with a blade in my hand, I had 15 brand new cuts on my arm. That was a lot, even for me. When I had bandaged myself up and cleaned everything away, I went downstairs to find a note on the fridge. 'Your mother and I are at dinner with my boss, pizza money on top of fridge x Dad' I reached up and grabbed the money then called Adam down so he could order the pizza.
“What's up?” He asked when he came down. I handed him the note, the pizza menu, the money and the phone. He read the note then ordered two large ham and mushroom pizzas, just like we always used to back home.
“So, how you feeling?” Adam asked. I leaned back against the sink and crossed my arms against my chest.
“I'm alright now, sort of.” I replied.
“You're lying” Adam pointed out. I just glared at him then I finally broke and started crying.
“I can't do this any more Adam, Mum hates me, Zack went and did that, everyone knows about it and they're high fiving Zack and laughing about it with him whenever I'm around, I have absolutely no friends, and I feel like such a burden on you and Dad all the time” I said as I looked at the floor. I didn't dare make any eye contact with Adam while I said this, I was ashamed that I was broken, I just expected him to tell me how much of a burden I really am and how I should just get over Zack but instead, he just left the room. I slid down on to the floor, brought my legs up to my chest and cried. Adam came back a few moments later with an envelope in his hand. He silently handed it to me and I ripped it open.
'Emma, if you're reading this, Adam was kind enough to give me a chance to explain myself a little more.
Brylee and I have a uh... history together. We've had sex before in the past, but I broke everything off with her weeks before you even started school here. I know I've made a big mistake and I beg you, don't harm yourself over me, I'm not worth it. I still love you Emma, so so much, and I wish I could go back in time and undo everything I did. You see, Brylee texted me asking for help with some homework, so I met her at the park because I said I wasn't going anywhere near her house, so we sat down and she must've seen you because she suddenly kissed me, and then you know what happened from there. I understand if you never want anything to do with me again, because I fucked up big time.
I looked up from the letter. Adam was sitting beside me reading and he looked up at me a few seconds later.
“It wasn't his fault Emma” Adam said.
“This changed nothing. I can't trust him again after this” I replied.
“I understand. Just don't do anything you'll regret” He said and pulled me into a hug. The doorbell rang and Adam got up to pay for the pizza. I threw Zack's letter in the bin then sat down and ate with Adam.
“Emma, its time to get up” Adam said softly as he walked into my room. I turned over and looked at him.
“You look like you've been crying again” He pointed out.
“That's because I have” I whispered back.
“There's only 6 more weeks left until we go home for 2 weeks” He replied.
“6 weeks is a very long time” I said as I turned and looked up at the ceiling.
“It'll fly by, Em. Trust me” He smiled. I sat up and looked at him.
“I miss him, Adam” I sighed.
“I know. But giving him a second chance is a bad idea. You can do this Emma, you're stronger than you think” Adam said as he came over and hugged me.
“You're the best brother in the world Ads” I smiled. He pulled out of the hug and smiled down at me.
“I know I am” He laughed. I laughed too.
“And you're very big headed” I added.
“Now get ready, Dad's giving us a lift” Adam said. I nodded and he left the room. I put on a blue and white stripped long sleeved top with black skinny jeans and my blue converse. Then I applied my eye-liner, cleaned my teeth then went downstairs. Mum, Dad and Adam were sitting in the kitchen eating breakfast. Adam slid a plate of toast over to me and I ate it all up.
“Right, you two go get in the car, I'll just get my shoes on and I'll be out in a minute” Dad said. Me and Adam got in the back seat of Dads car and waited about two minutes before Dad jumped into the drivers seat.
“Lets roll” Dad said and started the car. The drive was silent, but its what I preferred. I didn't really feel like talking today.
Dad parked just outside school and me and Adam made our way to our first lessons. Just as I was about to walk away from Adam to English, he pulled me into a hug. I pulled out first, smiled at him then carried on to English. I walked into class and slumped down into my seat. Zack wasn't here yet, which is good, except I found myself worrying about him, wondering where he was, if he was alright, because Zack Merrick is never late to anything. But all my stupid, uncontrollable worrying was for nothing, because about a minute after class started, Zack ran in and he looked terrible. No, not in the sense of unattractive terrible, he looked like he hadn't gotten any sleep and his hair was a mess. He apologised to his lateness then fell into his seat next to mine. He looked at me and smiled, I just turned away.
Miss Main ended class half way through and told us to do whatever we wanted for the last 45 minutes. I hated it when teachers did this, because nobody ever spoke to me. I put my earphones in and put on some Get Scared. Half way through At My Worst I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. I turned and saw Zack smiling at me. I sighed, took my earphones out and looked at him.
“What do you want?” I spat.
“I'm sorry” He said.
“That's it, is it Zack? Just a plain 'I'm sorry'? You really think that's going to fix everything, that I'm just going to come running back to you because you know how to apologise? Well think again” I half shouted. He pretty much ignored what I said and nodded towards my wrist.
“You're sleeve's rolled itself up.” He said. I looked down at my wrist, 6 cuts on show for the whole world to see. My mouth opened and closed uncontrollably as I looked between my wrist and Zack. I yanked my sleeve back down and avoided eye contact with Zack.
“Does Adam know?” He asked.
“No” I said. I didn't look at Zack when I said this, I just looked straight ahead.
“Do you want me to tell him?” Zack asked.
“Don't you dare say a word about this to Adam or so help me I will come to your house and” I didn't know how to finish my sentence, so I ended it there.
“And what Emma?” Zack smirked.
“I don't know, just don't you dare tell him” I said and then we were both silent.
“Is it because of me?” Zack asked about 5 minutes later.
“What?” I asked, I had completely zoned out.
“The cuts on your wrist, is it because of me?” He asked.
“Oh don't flatter yourself Zack” I replied. And with that, we were both silent again, he didn't talk to me for the rest of the lesson. And I was glad about that, because, if I'm honest. Every time he spoke to me, the wall I built against him crumbled down bit by bit, and I hated him for that. He knew the way into my heart, and he was definitely using that against me, and I'm determined to keep him out. For good this time.
School finally ended and I was glad to be out of there, now I could go home and try to forget the conversation Zack and I had this morning. I met Adam at the gate and we started walking home.
“Zack said sorry” I said after a few minutes of silence. Adam looked at me.
“And what did you say?” He asked.
“I told him that an apology wasn't going to cut it. Then I didn't talk to him again.” I said.
“Good. You don't need him, especially after everything that happened. I thought he was good for you, but he really wasn't.” Adam said.
“I wish we never moved out here” I sighed.
“Sometimes, I do too. Everything would've been so much simpler.” Adam agreed. We didn't talk about much after that, just about homework and teachers mostly.
We got home and I went straight up to my room. Adam said he was going to play on his Xbox for a bit, which meant I probably had about an hour or two to myself, and I hated myself for thinking about it, but I knew exactly what I needed. I closed my bedroom door then went and got my little box out of the back of my wardrobe. I pulled out a decent sized blade and sat down on my bed. I slid the cool metal across my wrist and felt the shivers down my spine. The blood came out in a perfect crimson dotted line and I smiled, it felt good, it made me forget Zack. It made me forget everything. I was in ecstasy, and in this moment, nothing could bring me down. Its strange how we find such relief in the things that are so bad for us.
After 15 minutes of sitting there with a blade in my hand, I had 15 brand new cuts on my arm. That was a lot, even for me. When I had bandaged myself up and cleaned everything away, I went downstairs to find a note on the fridge. 'Your mother and I are at dinner with my boss, pizza money on top of fridge x Dad' I reached up and grabbed the money then called Adam down so he could order the pizza.
“What's up?” He asked when he came down. I handed him the note, the pizza menu, the money and the phone. He read the note then ordered two large ham and mushroom pizzas, just like we always used to back home.
“So, how you feeling?” Adam asked. I leaned back against the sink and crossed my arms against my chest.
“I'm alright now, sort of.” I replied.
“You're lying” Adam pointed out. I just glared at him then I finally broke and started crying.
“I can't do this any more Adam, Mum hates me, Zack went and did that, everyone knows about it and they're high fiving Zack and laughing about it with him whenever I'm around, I have absolutely no friends, and I feel like such a burden on you and Dad all the time” I said as I looked at the floor. I didn't dare make any eye contact with Adam while I said this, I was ashamed that I was broken, I just expected him to tell me how much of a burden I really am and how I should just get over Zack but instead, he just left the room. I slid down on to the floor, brought my legs up to my chest and cried. Adam came back a few moments later with an envelope in his hand. He silently handed it to me and I ripped it open.
'Emma, if you're reading this, Adam was kind enough to give me a chance to explain myself a little more.
Brylee and I have a uh... history together. We've had sex before in the past, but I broke everything off with her weeks before you even started school here. I know I've made a big mistake and I beg you, don't harm yourself over me, I'm not worth it. I still love you Emma, so so much, and I wish I could go back in time and undo everything I did. You see, Brylee texted me asking for help with some homework, so I met her at the park because I said I wasn't going anywhere near her house, so we sat down and she must've seen you because she suddenly kissed me, and then you know what happened from there. I understand if you never want anything to do with me again, because I fucked up big time.
Just remember, I'll always be here if you need anything, I'll still stick up for you, I wont ever give up trying to make it up to you, even if you tell me to leave you alone, I'll always love you. And I'll always be sorry.
I looked up from the letter. Adam was sitting beside me reading and he looked up at me a few seconds later.
“It wasn't his fault Emma” Adam said.
“This changed nothing. I can't trust him again after this” I replied.
“I understand. Just don't do anything you'll regret” He said and pulled me into a hug. The doorbell rang and Adam got up to pay for the pizza. I threw Zack's letter in the bin then sat down and ate with Adam.
Notes
Thoughts? This chapter was a hard one to write, for many reasons.Comment/Rate/Subscribe<3
-AllTimeSloth xx
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12/5/13