Lana–

California was beautiful this time of year, much warmer than the East Coast, that is. Two days ago I decided to come see my sister in all of her glory and success on her first movie debut. It wasn't a failure and that made her extremely happy, making me happy for her in return. All of those years of film school finally paid off and I was one proud little sister. We didn't always have the best relationship, but as time moved on, we grew closer. I watched my feet scrape and click against the pavement in my new shoes that I bought for the special occasion of being away from Maryland.

The sun was beating down on me making it feel warmer outside than it actually was, but thanks to my light leather jacket, it made me feel like I was burning as I walked to the store which was a few blocks away from my sister's home.

The second I walked into the store, I saw a familiar face that I hadn't seen in a over a year. I hope she didn't see me, but knowing Cassadee, she sure as hell did. I tried to manage my way around the store and grab the food and supplies that I needed while in complete ninja mode. I didn't want to see her, even though we used to be best friends until I took off on Alex, that is. Today was not the day to revisit my past, even though it was inevitable because of the small girl making her way around the store like I was.

A few more items before getting to the check out counter and I was out of here, totally unnoticed.

"Lana?" Shit. "Is that you?" I didn't want to turn around, instead I wanted to run, but I knew damn well that either way, I'd be screwed. It took me several seconds to work up a fake smile and turn around to face the one true girl friend that I abandoned. Her voice didn't seem too happy, but I was scared to face her, scared to be yelled at for what I did. I missed her, and the guys, and most importantly, I missed Alex.

"Hi, Cass." I finally turned around to greet the girl with a huge grin on her face. Maybe she wasn't that mad at me after all, maybe I was over thinking the worst possible outcome. I smiled at her, and I couldn't tell if it was real or fake.

"I've missed you," she said as she stepped closer and threw her arms around me, making me flinch and taking a while to respond and hug her back.

"You have no idea," I started, "I'm sorry for leaving you behind, I didn't mean to do that to you." I was really sorry and she needed to hear it right away, even if it was blurted out and scrambled. I sighed and shook my head.

"I understand, Lan, you needed to get away from him. I'm just so glad to see you, though. How have you been?" Cassadee has always had a tendency to go on and on when it came to casual conversation. Most of the time I was astounded by it and would go on for hours with the conversation, but this time, I just wanted out the moment it started.

"I've been fair, honestly," I smiled. "At least I'm not sure how to put it otherwise." Both of us broke out into small chuckles while standing in the middle of the isle. "How about you, girly? It's been so long."

"Too long," she added. "I've been really good. Rian and I are going well and I'm starting on my solo career. So, it's been pretty fantastic."

"I'm glad you're happy, Cass." And I was glad that she was happy, I wanted nothing else but happiness for her. She deserved it more than anyone in the world because somehow, she became one of the only perfect people to step foot on this planet. "So, how are the guys doing? And how's Alex?"

Cassadee smiled wide after hearing me speak his name for the first time outlaid in months. "They're all doing really good - they're working on a new album as we speak and since it's going so well so far, I'm giving you a copy as soon as it's done with the final production." She was too sweet sometimes. "And as for Alex, he's doing okay. I can tell he misses you, Lan."

I slowly nodded my head, trying to keep my face emotionless and my voice in tact so I didn't have a whirlwind of emotions destructing every cell in my being. "That's good to hear." And it was, but I wanted nothing more than to get my friends back and to have Alex at home with me, where I've always wanted him to be. He was my home and I obviously took that for granted.

"I have to get going," she finally said, "but I won't tell the guys that I saw you if you don't want me to."

"Tell them what you want." I let out a small, uncomfortable laugh. We said our goodbyes and finished picking up all the food that we needed. I didn't see her exit the store after that, but if I did, I would've dropped to my knees and begged her to take me back to the studio with her so I could make a public apology to everyone there.

I wanted nothing more than to feel his calloused finger tips on my skin, stroking my cheek. I wanted to stare into his big brown eyes and feel safe in this world of violence and heartbreak. I knew deep down that it was never going to happen again and that I was on my own from here on out.

My story could never be completely told without part of Alex's story included in mine. You see, he was my world and we had each other for however long that we could handle it. Sometimes I wish I could forget about his existence, but even if I tried, it would be a failure due to All Time Low's high fame in of being the hometown heroes in Maryland and Maryland was a place I was never going to give up. I thought that he was going to be my happy ending, a happy ending that involved us laying together, with me nestled in his arms as we waited for the sun to come up together so we could finally get some shut eye.

The odd thing is, is that when I look back on all the time we spent together, neither of us ever did anything that was too wrong. Our personalities were different which made us clash in every which way, but that didn't mean our hearts and likes were so out of this world that we couldn't stand each other. We argued because we cared, but we also argued because we thought we could and we thought we knew that at the end of the day, we'd both come running back to each other, even if it was done after one drinks too many. I'd cry, sometimes he'd even cry, and we'd make up happily and stay that way for a few days. And that was just us. Whether it was because we loved too much that we argued, or whether it was that we didn't care enough, I guess we'll never know.

The walk back to the house wasn't much of a thrill, my mind was eating me alive with all of these old memories. The good and the the bad. I swore under my breath and dropped my cotton bags on the sidewalk so I could reach for my iPhone. Looking through my music I tapped the one name that I hadn't in such a long time and played one song that I never wanted to hear again. "Too Much" came blasting through the small speaker. He had wrote it around the third time that we broke up. Yes, it happened that much. Actually, we broke up more times in high school than I can count, but we decided to forget about all of those.

Alex was right, we should've made some changes, but we didn't. And we didn't even after the song was made. We suffocated each other, which made both of us go off the deep end one too many times. So why did I feel like I needed him back suddenly? It felt as if a tidal wave suddenly crashed into my body and washed up all of these remaining feelings, memories, and thoughts that I didn't want to think.

I need to find a reason to feel like everything was meant to be let go. Take it slow, cause I can't be on my own.

Exhaling deeply, I stood up and brushed myself off. I fucked up royally and I knew it so well that couldn't even allow myself to cry.

Notes

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