Alex–

It was a regular day in the beginning of spring. We were trying to get everything done and recorded for our new album as we sat in the studio, awaiting for the finished product as guitars were being tracked. The process seemed like it was taking less time than our past albums, seeing as this one was being recorded by ourselves and our producer and good friend, Mike Green. Jack was spinning himself around in a black swivel chair which was obviously getting on Zack’s nerves and making him grit his teeth together and tap his leg on the floor in a rather fast pace. I smiled at him and in return, he rolled his eyes, making me laugh harder than I thought I would.

“Jack!” Rian yelled. “Knock it off, dude. It’s getting old.”

Cassadee came through the door, taking everyone by surprise. She wasn’t supposed to come in today, or so that’s what Rian told all of us. But she was here with an excited, yet panicked look on her face. “Hey!” She greeted all of us with her little, squeaky voice that none of us could say “no” to. “Guess who I just talked to.” She looked directly at me and sat down near Rian, keeping her brown eyes steady on me.

“Am I supposed to guess, or…?” I asked. She laughed and finally opened her mouth to tell me, but I didn’t even think I wanted to hear the name she was about to say. I had a feeling that it could be really bad, like one of my bitchy exes that I wanted nothing to do with. I hope it isn’t Meg – good God, I didn’t not want to see her ever again in my life.

“How about I just tell you?” She asked, her excited stature gone in an instant. Her shoulders shrugged down and she let out a sigh. I laughed a little because she can go completely bored in a second when no one wants to play her juvenile guessing games. I nodded, waiting for an answer. “Does the name Lana strike a chord with you at all?” A smile crept its way back on her face, but my heart sunk at the syllables of her name. Lana. A name I haven’t heard in over a year in a half. Lana, my favorite ex that I loved to hate, that loved to hate me.

In the corner of my eye, I saw Jack swing around in his chair with his eyes shot wide open. He almost didn’t want to hear that name as much as I did. “Wait,” he started, “Lana, Lana? As in Alex’s long time sweetheart Lana?”

Cassadee shook her head with a small smile on her face. Cass thought we were meant for each other, even though all the shit we put each other through.

“So, uh, how’s she doing?” I really did want to know, I’ve missed her every day since she’s been gone, but I’ve tried not to let my anger show since then, even when I know it has shown through the songs that I write. I didn’t want to sound desperate, either. If any of the guys knew I wanted to see her again, they’d probably kill me.

“Okay from what she told me.” Cassadee stopped and looked at me with a face full of mystery. “She asked about you, you know.” She tried to be nonchalant, to hold her giddy ways back, but it was impossible for her to do so.

“So,” I sighed a sigh of relief, “what did you tell her?” I was like a little kid who was eager to hear secrets.

“I told her that you haven’t forgotten about her, even though she’s never mentioned. I told her I was going to send a copy of the new album as soon as it was finished, before it was released.” She looked down at the floor with her eyes exploring the wooden tiles and her fingers tapping against her face.

Next to her, Rian exhaled loudly through his mouth, making a face of anger. Someone that was never angry was suddenly frustrated and looking irate. Zack looked quite annoyed also, and Jack and Mike just looked like they didn’t know what to do or say to stop me from thinking of chasing after her for the thousandth time.

“Seriously,” I almost screamed, “if you have something to say, just fucking say it and don’t tiptoe around your words.” I was getting filled with rage, knowing that I was about to get shit on by my best friends with their words.

“Terrible idea, man.” That was all Rian could say, but his face told me that he was holding back much more.

“And?”

Zack cut Rian off as soon as he opened his mouth. “Don’t even think about it, dude. You two have fucked each other over so much that I don’t even know why you want to try again.”

“And what if we’re meant to be together, huh?” I realized that I never was able to sound like a man when I talked about her and my feelings that revolved around this one single, perfectly imperfect girl. She was everything that dreams were made of for me: Perfect, long chestnut hair that she never kept up – she let it fall all over and get ratty throughout the day without being bothered. Those green eyes that brought me to my knees whenever I would think about them. That raspy, high pitched, silky voice that was almost indescribable, but when that voice spoke my name from those perfectly pink lips, I immediately felt at home. Soft and smooth skin, a lovely porcelain face, and a fashion sense that nobody ever understood, but loved at the same time.

Even when we argued, I felt like I couldn’t resist her. Though her heart was beyond repair and her mind was twisted, we did love each other. She was in her own world while I was off in mine. The photographer and the rock star – two completely different angles through different lenses. I had a hard time keeping us together, I usually started fights and was unfit for a long-term relationship, but that didn’t mean anything.

Everyone was rolling their eyes and Rian stood up to grab something. He pulled a folder of lyrics and music off of a table and started to open it. “Listen up,” he said while flipping through the papers and scanning the words.

“You’re the break lines failing as my car swerves off the freeway, it kind of feels like sabotage. Why can’t you just be happy for me?”

He went to another page, a different song from the looks of it.

“Thanks to you, I’ve lost my touch. I struggle to find the sense in making sense and giving a semblance of a fuck. And thanks to you for all the nightmares, there’s not a night I sleep quiet and complacent without my medication…And I’ll spend my whole lifetime with your lifeline wrapped around my throat.”

And yet, another song, a different page as I started to feel like bigger shit than I already did.

“I was never good enough to be anything but remedy to all of your constant pressing needs and I never learned. So I painted a picture of the things I wanted most to color the darker side of all my brightest hopes. But there was a monster standing where you should be. So I’ll paint you wings and I’ll set you free."

He stopped, looked over at me, and I felt like I had been defeated by a guy who had a picture perfect relationship. In fact, that’s what all of his relationships were: perfect, untouchable, and like a movie. That’s what Rian stood for; he was the perfect boyfriend who always chose the perfect girlfriend.

After a prolonged silence and thoughts rambling through my head, he finally spoke. “Does any of that sound like love to you? Like you were meant to be together? Please, tell us.”

I needed to run away from this studio, just for a little while. Before I picked up my jacket and stormed out, I had one last thing to say to try to defend myself. “There’s good songs about her on there, too. Along with the other catalogs, I mean fuck. We weren’t that bad, but thanks for nothing.” It was all too much to handle right now, it wasn’t something that I wanted to discuss with anyone.

The only thought on my walk through the city was running into her. Fuck, I wish Cass would’ve told me where they saw each other, but it’d be a joke if she was still there. I was hopelessly hopeful.