Walls

It’s been about two months since my first date with Alex, we’ve been on so many other fun ones. Tonight he invited me to a concert so I’m looking for something to wear, I just bought some combat boots so I’m looking at jeans in a store. I found this pair of distressed super skinnies and I tried them on and they fit amazing, but after checking my wallet I didn’t have sixty-eight dollars extra so I put them back on the rack hugging my shoes and walked out of the store, I could find a pair at home. When I got home I walked in and Baltimore was waiting at the door.
“Is it almost dinner time boy?” I asked
He somewhat barked and wagged his tail. He was getting big, I loved it. I set my bags down and locked the knob on the door, I walked into the kitchen with Baltimore on my heels. I pulled his bowl down from the counter and filled it with dry food, I pet his head and went to retrieve my bags. I skipped into my bedroom and pulled my knew boots out of their box, I was in love with them even though they were normal combat boots. I walked into the bathroom and started the shower, as I was undressing Baltimore shoved the bathroom door open and looks up at me. I laughed at him and continued to get ready for my shower, as I showered my nerves were getting to me about the concert tonight. Concerts never make me nervous so it had to have been something else, maybe it was Alex. The thought of still being in a normal relationship where I’m not getting hit and forced into sex is still trying to warm up to me, the thought that one day Alex is just going to take a swing at me still haunts the back of my mind. I’ve had nightmares about it, with him just coming into my bedroom one day and taking a swing at me while I was doing laundry. When I got out of the shower Baltimore was barking in the living room, I wrapped my towel around me and rushed in there. He was standing at the door barking, I laughed and walked over there unlocking the door and opening it a small bit. There was a gift bag sitting at the entrance to my apartment, I pulled it in and closed the door. I sat down on the couch and pushed my hand into the bag and there was a box, I pulled it out and there was a card taped to it. I opened it and smiled.
Ryan,
I saw you shopping today. I don’t know if that sounds creepy or not but, I was going to walk into the store and surprise you but you went into the dressing room. When you came out with the jeans in hand and put them back on the rack and left, I went in and got the jeans for you. They weren’t too expensive which says that you didn’t take enough money with you. J I really hope I got the right size, I just picked up the ones that you put down on the rack.
See you tonight, Alex

I smiled and pulled the jeans out, they were the exact ones that I wanted to buy earlier. I took them into my bedroom and dried off, I pulled on a black thong and pulled the super skinnies on; Perfect fit. I pulled on a batman tank out of the closet and pulled it over my head. I pulled on a leather jacket and pulled my new boots on. Once I felt good about my outfit I ran into the living room and looked at the time, I was going to be late. I sprinted out the door and ran to the parking garage, once I was on the road I called Mack.
“Where are you?” She answered
“I’m on my way, I lost track of time while getting dressed.” I said
“Well hurry they go on soon.” She said
“If I don’t make it tell him I said good luck!” I shouted
“I will.” She said
I hung up and sped down the street, when I was close to the venue I heard them. The sirens approaching up the ass of my car. I let out an exasperated sigh and yanked my car over to the berm, I tapped my thumbs on the steering wheel as I waited for the asshole to come up to my car.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?” He asked in his ‘I’m a tough guy’ voice
“Because I was driving fifteen above the speed limit and probably because my back left brake light is out.” I said in the most monotone voice ever.
He looked upset as I jutted my licenses and registration at him before he could ask. He took it back to his car and ran them through the scanner.
“Since you didn’t give me an issue and I didn’t have to frisk you I’m just going to give you a ticket fining you one hundred dollars.” He said
“Okay.” I said
He handed me my stuff back and the ticket and I took off. After I was out of site of the cop I started speeding again. When I pulled into the venue I hastily parked my car and began sprinting to the back stage door, when I got there I pounded on it. Mackenzie came and opened it, she gave me a look and yanked me into the building.
“Why are you so late?” She asked
“I would have been here earlier but I got pulled over.” I said
“How much is the ticket?” She asked
“One hundred.” I said
“Since you paid my two hundred dollar ticket I’ll pay you one hundred dollar one.” She said
I smiled and she pulled me back stage, Jack was standing there watching All Time Low on stage.
“Look who came out of his hiding.” I said to my best friend’s husband to be
“Look who showed up late to her boyfriend’s concert.” He said hugging me
“Cops.” I smiled
“Are we paying a ticket Kenz?” He asked `
She nodded and he tapped my cheek, I looked out from the side stage at my beautiful boyfriend. The way he sings on stage just made my heart melt, and he does this thing with his legs that’s really cute and awkward.
“He’s doing the leg thing Ryan.” Mackenzie said
“We were sitting on the couch at his house yesterday and Jack said something and he did it while he was laughing.” I said
“You caught yourself a weird one.” She said
“But he’s cute.” I said
He looked over and I waved at him, he winked and looked over the crowd.
“So this isn’t the first time I’ve sang this song on stage but it’s the first time in a while. It has a whole new meaning now, this is Walls.” He said
The crowd cheered and I smiled as Mack put her arm around my waist.
“You two have a thing with beanies and batman.” She laughed
I pushed her with my shoulder and tuned into the concert
“Hey there, it's good to see you again, it never felt right calling this just friends. I'm happy if you're happy with yourself. Take off your shirt, your shoes. Those skinny jeans I bought for you, we're diving in, there's nothing left to lose. I'm gonna break down these walls I built around myself, I wanna fall so in love with you and no one else. Could ever mean half as much to me as you do now, together we'll move on, just don't turn around. Let the walls break down. I used to wear you like a ball and chain, I'd run and hide at the call of my name. It was obvious, you were too much for me. Oblivious, I was young and horny, in retrospect, I wouldn't do it again. Stop talking shit to every one of your friends, I'm not the same boy you knew back then. 'Cause I can break down these walls I built around myself, I wanna fall so in love with you and no one else, could ever mean half as much to me as you do now. Together we'll move on, just don't turn around. Let the walls break. I can't breathe, my body's shaking. You got away with the way you take me. 'Cause you break me down, you know you break me down. I'm gonna break down these walls I built around myself, I wanna fall so in love with you and no one else; could ever mean half as much to me as you do now. Together we'll move on, just don't turn around. Let the walls break down, let the walls break down. 'Cause you break me down Let the walls break down.” Alex sang
“Definitely for you Ryan.” Mack said
I ran my fingers through the front of my hair careful not to fuck up my beanie.
“Just to set the record straight that song is not for me… Sadly.” Jack said
“Please welcome Ryan to the stage.” Zach said
I looked over at Mack and she shoved me out there, resulting in me almost falling. I walked out to Alex who put his arm around my waist.
“You guys may have seen the pictures posted everywhere on the internet with her and I together. She’s my girlfriend.” Alex said
The crowd roared in cheers
“He did buy these jeans for me today.” I smiled
He laughed and kissed my cheek.
“Before you leave the stage you have to kiss him.” Jack said from his position on stage.
I smiled and leaned over and planted a soft kiss onto Alex’s lips.
“Thank you.” Jack said
I smiled at Alex and waved at the crowd. I was going to tell Alex everything tonight, everything.” I said
“Cute.” Mack said as I stood next to her
“We’re going to play one more song and then it’s over.” Alex said
“I’m going to do it.” I said
“Do what?” she asked
“Tell him.” I said
“What?” She asked looking at me
“I’m going to tell him everything. Open my heart up, I have to let him in someday.” I said
“Like everything?” She asked
“Everything.” I said
“I’m so proud.” She said
I smiled when my phone started to ring, I looked at it and it was Jimmy.
“I’ll be back.” I said
I walked away and answered my phone.
“Hey Jim.” I said
“So you and Alex?” He asked
“Yeah, I didn’t want to tell anyone until I knew how things were going to go. I mean dad knows.” I said
“How are things going?” He asked
“For the few months that we’ve been together things are great, but things are always great the first couple months.” I said
“I don’t think Alex is going to be like that Elliot kid Ryan, but if it happens I’ll beat the living shit out of him. No one will ever hurt my Ry Ry again.” He said
“Thanks Jimmy. Well I’m at a concert right now.” I said
“I’ll let you go.” He said
“I’ll talk to you later.” I said
“Have fun.” He said
I said my good bye and hung up, suddenly I was pushed against the wall I was standing near.
“Well I thought that was you my precious.” He said
I squeezed my eyes closed hoping it was a dream.
“Darling aren’t you happy to see me?” He asked
“Why aren’t you in jail?” I asked not opening my eyes
“They let me out. It’s really impolite not to look at me when you’re talking to me Ryan.” He said slapping me
I looked up at the monster I used to be in love with
“Leave me be Elliot.” I said
“Now that I’ve got you again, I’m never going to let you be. How much does pretty boy know?” He asked
I kept my mouth shut, he gripped my jaw and put all the pressure he could into it trying to break it
“Nothing!” I shouted trying to pull my face out of his grip
“What?” He asked
“He doesn’t know anything yet.” I said
“He doesn’t know about Hope?” He asked
“I never want to hear that come from your mouth you monster.” I said
I just raised his fist
“Mackenzie!!” I yelled
His fist came into contact with my face, then my chest, back to my face, to my ribs. Mackenzie came running in and yelled for Alex and the Jack’s. Elliot kept throwing punches when Alex came over and he and Jack pulled him off of me, Mackenzie pulled me to her after I sank to the ground and began crying my eyes out.
“Shh Ryan, shh.” She said rubbing my hair
I balled her shirt into my fists.
“Alex take her home, I got this.” I head Zach say
I looked up at Mackenzie and she was nodding at Alex, he picked me up and I clung to him.
“I’ll drive your car home later.” Mackenzie said kissing my head.
I nodded and cried into Alex’s neck, he walked me out to his car and set me in the back seat so I could lay down. He got in and sped home, when we got there he pulled me out and carried me to the elevator which was thankfully empty. He carried me into his apartment and set me down in the living room
“Are you okay?” He asked
I nodded and he examined my face
“Can I go shower?” I asked
He nodded and I walked away from him and into his bedroom, I took a hoodie and sweat pants from him and got into the shower. I showered off Elliot and got myself ready for all of the painful memories that were going to be said tonight. When I was done and dressed Alex was sitting on the edge of his bed.
“Who was that?” He asked
“Elliot, he’s my ex.” I said
“Did he always beat you?” He asked
“For the most part.” I said
He nodded
“I want to tell you everything Alex.” I said
He nodded and I walked over and sat on the other side of the bed.
“I’m scared Alex, I’m so scared.” I said
“Why?” He asked
“Last time I opened myself up to a man I got beat, I got beat all of the time.” I said
“I’m not going to hurt you, ever. You can tell me anything.” He said
I nodded and sat down across from him, I looked down at the floor.
“I once told you that I didn’t like to remember my childhood, that’s because it was awful. My mom was so into heroin that she didn’t care what happened to me, she let her druggie friends touch any way they wanted, they were allowed to rape me, inject me with drugs. One night a neighbor heard me screaming and they called the cops, that’s when my dad came and got me in the middle of a Korn concert. I was twelve when he first met me and he treated me like he’d known me my entire life, then I met all of the guys and I finally had a family. I was still beyond depressed so I tried to kill myself, I lost count of how many times but I either couldn’t do it, got caught, or was saved. I figured it wasn’t time for me to die so I would just slash my wrists. When I finally grew up I got my wrist tattoos, every time I want to I look at them, later on I got my music staff because I was always in the music scene, then I got my wings. My wings mean so much to me and it’s just the littlest reason. My dad calls me his Angel, his Angel that keeps him from living his life alone. He tells me I’m the best thing to happen to him. When I met Elliot I thought he was the one, I really did. Three months of perfect relationship and I fell for him, when I told him I was falling he just snapped, he made me move in with him and not to talk to Mackenzie, my dad, or all of the guys. I was beaten every night, every single night without fail. Then I wasn’t giving him enough so he would bound me to the bed and forcefully take it from me as I struggled at the ropes. It was all like a sick game to him, I was just a play thing that he could rape and beat whenever he wanted. I had to have breakfast cooked in the morning, or I’d get it worse, dinner on the table when he got home from work, or I’d get it so much worse.” I said
Alex looked up at me tears in his eyes.
“Don’t look at me different after this.” I cried
“Never.” He said
I nodded and tried to gain my composure
“I started getting sick in the morning so I snuck out while he was at work and bought a few tests, they all came up positive. I made a doctor’s appointment for the following day while he was at work, when I went in the told me I was four months in and it was a girl. I have a tattoo on the back of my right ear which you’ve probably never seen before but it says ‘Hope’.” I said pulling my ear down and showing him. “I was going to name her Hope Masters taking my dad’s last name because I knew Elliot wouldn’t want her. When I got home I set the ultrasound pictures on the bed so I could shower, I didn’t expect Elliot home so soon but he busted into the bathroom and ripped the curtain back, he demanded to know what the pictures were and I protectively held my belly. He asked if I was pregnant and I told him yes and it was his and a girl, he wasn’t having it he ripped me out of the shower and dragged me to the stairs giving me a hard shove. After my tumble I cowered naked on the floor, he came down and started kicking me in the stomach, when I started bleeding I knew I’d lost her. Few days later I got my tattoo, few weeks after that Jimmy from Avenged Sevenfold saw me and all of my bruises and found Elliot and beat the shit out of him. We sued and I won sending him to jail but he’s out now.” I cried
Alex pulled me to him holding me in his lap tightly.
“I lost my brother Tom, he was only my half- brother but I still loved him, he died from alcohol poisoning, he just drank too much. Our song Lullabies is about him and my rose tattoo, I pretty much spiraled into a shit life, depression, self-harm, drinking, I ignored everyone even Jack. I went through a lot of shitty relationships just based on sex to keep my mind off of Tom and my cutting. None worked out they either got tired of my mopping or I fucked it up some other way. Then Jack and I had this long talk our band needed me, the guys needed me. So I got back into the regular swing of things still self-harming but I quit eventually, then I met you.” He said
I looked up at him through my wet eyelashes and he tenderly kissed my wet lips.
“Zach got him, he got him good baby.” Alex said
I nodded and we laid down as I was falling asleep he started whispering to me
“I know you’re not ready for this and you’re probably not going to say it back but that’s fine with me. I just need you to know I’ve already fallen in love with you.” He said

Notes