I'll Put My Future In You
I'll Give You Nothing But Truth
The beautiful brown eyes of my five year old, the eyes that matched her fathers, stared up at me as we worked together to tie her shoes.
"Mommy," she started slowly, "what if no one likes me? I don't want to be all alone in school."
"Sweetheart, you're so sweet and you love to play. Plus, your mom makes some of the best cookies any of those munchkins have ever tasted. You'll have friends in no time. Now, grab your backpack and we'll get gone."
Lucy nodded frantically, sending her dark hair swirling around her face. She glanced up at me before carefully climbing off of the couch and running to the kitchen to grab her book bag off of the table.
"Do you think any of the other girls will like Toy Story?" she asked as I worked on buckling her car seat. "Aunt Stephie said everyone loves Toy Story."
I sighed at the mention of his sister, my best friend, and smiled at her through the rear view mirror. "Lou," I laughed, "you are definitely my child. Stop worrying so much. You'll be perfectly fine."
Lucy laughed and nodded her head. I heard her dig around in her backpack and let out a cry of happiness when she found the Hello Kitty ring pop Stephanie had thrown in there the day before.
Watching Lucy grow up without her father had been hard, especially because I had done the same, but I knew it was for the better. Or, at least, I thought I did when I made the decision. He didn't have time for a child, I didn't either but that didn't really matter.
I never could bring myself to regret the decision. I never wanted children but the day I found out about Lucy, that all changed. I couldn’t help but plan my whole future around her from the moment I found out. Everything would have changed if it weren’t for her. It just goes to show you, everything really does happen for a reason.
The California traffic drove me to the brink of insanity as we sat, waiting, in one of the many completely stopped lanes. Lucy paid no mind to the others around her as she sang along to the music on the radio. I’d started her early on the classics like Motley Crue and Nirvana, and I even threw in a little pop-punk. Her father’s band included.
One of their songs started to play and Lucy’s smile grew. She danced around in her car seat and belted out the words she knew by heart. It stabbed at a little portion of my heart but knowing she would always be close to him in this sort of way made me happy.
As we sat, stuck in the early morning traffic, I wondered if this was how women who’d slept with rock stars and got pregnant from a one night stand felt. Obviously this had been a high school relationship, not a one night stand, but it was sort of the same. Did they play the music for their children or ignore the fact that these men ever existed? There’s an app for everything. Except what to do if your child, whose father is a rock star, ever starts wondering.
“Mommy, that truck is moving.”
I looked at the lane in front of me and saw that traffic was, in fact, moving. I grinned at Lucy through the rearview mirror, “Thank you, darlin’. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
She laughed and squirmed in her car seat. “Mommy, are you sure they’ll like me?”
I smiled and glanced at Lucy in the rearview mirror. “Darlin’, you’re worse than me. I love you and I’m positive all the other kids will, too. I’ll tell you a secret but you have to promise you won’t tell anyone else.”
Her eyes widened slightly and she nodded her head as quickly as possible. “I promise I won’t tell anyone!”
“Not even Aunt Stephie?”
“Not even Aunt Stephie,” she cried, wanting to know.
I grinned as her childhood curiosity got the better of her and carefully pulled into a parking spot. With the vehicle turned off, I unbuckled my seat belt and turned in my seat to face her. “It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks of you. You are a special, beautiful little girl and I love you more than you will ever know. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of you because at the end of the day, I hope you know that there will always be someone who loves you unconditionally.”
While Lucy sat there quietly, I got out of the car and began to unbuckle her car seat. “Mommy,” she began, watching me, “does daddy love me as much as you love me?”
I faltered but didn’t stop unbuckling. When it was all done, I swallowed and looked her in the eye. “I’m positive he loves you very, very much sweetheart. One day, he’ll get to tell you that in person, okay?”
She nodded and grabbed her backpack from the floorboard. “I love you, mommy. I’m sorry about daddy.”
“You’re too old for your age, sweetheart. Don’t worry about it. Let’s just go find your classroom.”
The rest of the morning went off without a hitch. I took Lucy to her classroom, met her teacher and several of the other parents, and even volunteered to come and read to the class later in the month. When all was said and done, I left her to make friends and smiled when I noticed she had two little girls sitting with her, one who was holding a Woody doll and the other who was holding a Jessie doll. Guess other little girls liked Toy Story just as much as she did.
I couldn’t help but let my thoughts stray to Lucy’s father as I left the school on my way to work. He lived in California, not too far from where we lived, but was hardly ever home. He’d dated a Playboy bunny, something he’d always wanted to do, and the band was doing better than ever. I was happy for him.
While I sat in traffic, thinking about how things might have been different if I had actually stuck around to find out what he wanted to do, I almost failed to notice my phone ringing. The caller ID read Stephanie and I grinned, knowing she wanted to know all about Lucy’s first day.
“Steph, Lucy loves kindergarten. She found two little girls who like Toy Story just as much as the two of you do. Her teacher is nice, too. She kind of reminds me of my mom but without all the snarky southern ways.”
“McKenzie?”
I almost dropped the phone when his voice came through instead of Stephanie’s. “I, uh, well, uh, hi?”
“Who is Lucy?” There was so much suspicion in his voice I almost puked.
“Uh, can I talk to your sister please, Jack?”
“No. You can tell me who Lucy is.”
“Lucy is my daughter,” I muttered, my head on the steering wheel as I waited in more traffic.
“Jack, give me the damn phone!” I heard some mumbled arguing and then a thump before Lucy’s voice came over the line.
“I’m so, so, so sorry about that. Hang on; I’m heading to my room. He just grabbed my phone and started going through the contacts and he saw your name and he freaked out because I’ve been talking to you for the past five years and he had no idea what happened to you.”
“I’m obviously alive,” I huffed, unsure of what to feel. “Holy shit. That’s not how I expected our first conversation in five years to go.”
“Yeah, well, he’s pissed. And he just left. He doesn’t know Lucy is his. He thinks you’re married and living the white picket fence dream now. He doesn’t know you live in California, either, so you know, I think you’re safe from him beating in your door.”
I groaned and threw my head back against the seat as I pulled into the parking lot of the hospital where I worked. “Goddammit,” I almost yelled, “fuck.”
“Okay, well, rage later. I want to know all about Lou’s first day!”
I recounted everything to Stephanie, still mentally freaking out about talking to Jack. I hadn’t planned on talking to him at least until Lucy was grown and gone. “I don’t know if I want him to know.”
Stephanie huffed on the other end of the line. “Kenny, it’s his kid. Don’t you think he should at least know about her? I mean, you left him without a word. He was fucked up for a while over this.”
“Steph, I can’t tell him. Not now, anyway. It’s been five years. He’ll think I want something from him or he’ll think I’m lying. He’s too busy for a kid, anyway. He’s living his dream.”
“And that’s stopping you from living yours, Ken. You barely made it through college the first time. There’s no way you’re going to be able to go to med school until Munchkin’s at least thirteen. Maybe if you told Jack, things would be a little easier. He’s great with kids; he always wanted a family with you. Maybe he’ll just accept it all without question. I mean, he wants some sort of explanation for why you’ve been gone for so long.”
“Just change my name in your phone and don’t invite me anywhere if he’s going to be there. I’ve got to go. I’m in the hospital parking lot and I’m almost late. I’ll call you this afternoon so Lucy can tell you all about her day.”
I hit the end button on my phone before Stephanie could respond and let my head fall to the steering wheel yet again.
“Fuck.”
"Mommy," she started slowly, "what if no one likes me? I don't want to be all alone in school."
"Sweetheart, you're so sweet and you love to play. Plus, your mom makes some of the best cookies any of those munchkins have ever tasted. You'll have friends in no time. Now, grab your backpack and we'll get gone."
Lucy nodded frantically, sending her dark hair swirling around her face. She glanced up at me before carefully climbing off of the couch and running to the kitchen to grab her book bag off of the table.
"Do you think any of the other girls will like Toy Story?" she asked as I worked on buckling her car seat. "Aunt Stephie said everyone loves Toy Story."
I sighed at the mention of his sister, my best friend, and smiled at her through the rear view mirror. "Lou," I laughed, "you are definitely my child. Stop worrying so much. You'll be perfectly fine."
Lucy laughed and nodded her head. I heard her dig around in her backpack and let out a cry of happiness when she found the Hello Kitty ring pop Stephanie had thrown in there the day before.
Watching Lucy grow up without her father had been hard, especially because I had done the same, but I knew it was for the better. Or, at least, I thought I did when I made the decision. He didn't have time for a child, I didn't either but that didn't really matter.
I never could bring myself to regret the decision. I never wanted children but the day I found out about Lucy, that all changed. I couldn’t help but plan my whole future around her from the moment I found out. Everything would have changed if it weren’t for her. It just goes to show you, everything really does happen for a reason.
The California traffic drove me to the brink of insanity as we sat, waiting, in one of the many completely stopped lanes. Lucy paid no mind to the others around her as she sang along to the music on the radio. I’d started her early on the classics like Motley Crue and Nirvana, and I even threw in a little pop-punk. Her father’s band included.
One of their songs started to play and Lucy’s smile grew. She danced around in her car seat and belted out the words she knew by heart. It stabbed at a little portion of my heart but knowing she would always be close to him in this sort of way made me happy.
As we sat, stuck in the early morning traffic, I wondered if this was how women who’d slept with rock stars and got pregnant from a one night stand felt. Obviously this had been a high school relationship, not a one night stand, but it was sort of the same. Did they play the music for their children or ignore the fact that these men ever existed? There’s an app for everything. Except what to do if your child, whose father is a rock star, ever starts wondering.
“Mommy, that truck is moving.”
I looked at the lane in front of me and saw that traffic was, in fact, moving. I grinned at Lucy through the rearview mirror, “Thank you, darlin’. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
She laughed and squirmed in her car seat. “Mommy, are you sure they’ll like me?”
I smiled and glanced at Lucy in the rearview mirror. “Darlin’, you’re worse than me. I love you and I’m positive all the other kids will, too. I’ll tell you a secret but you have to promise you won’t tell anyone else.”
Her eyes widened slightly and she nodded her head as quickly as possible. “I promise I won’t tell anyone!”
“Not even Aunt Stephie?”
“Not even Aunt Stephie,” she cried, wanting to know.
I grinned as her childhood curiosity got the better of her and carefully pulled into a parking spot. With the vehicle turned off, I unbuckled my seat belt and turned in my seat to face her. “It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks of you. You are a special, beautiful little girl and I love you more than you will ever know. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of you because at the end of the day, I hope you know that there will always be someone who loves you unconditionally.”
While Lucy sat there quietly, I got out of the car and began to unbuckle her car seat. “Mommy,” she began, watching me, “does daddy love me as much as you love me?”
I faltered but didn’t stop unbuckling. When it was all done, I swallowed and looked her in the eye. “I’m positive he loves you very, very much sweetheart. One day, he’ll get to tell you that in person, okay?”
She nodded and grabbed her backpack from the floorboard. “I love you, mommy. I’m sorry about daddy.”
“You’re too old for your age, sweetheart. Don’t worry about it. Let’s just go find your classroom.”
The rest of the morning went off without a hitch. I took Lucy to her classroom, met her teacher and several of the other parents, and even volunteered to come and read to the class later in the month. When all was said and done, I left her to make friends and smiled when I noticed she had two little girls sitting with her, one who was holding a Woody doll and the other who was holding a Jessie doll. Guess other little girls liked Toy Story just as much as she did.
I couldn’t help but let my thoughts stray to Lucy’s father as I left the school on my way to work. He lived in California, not too far from where we lived, but was hardly ever home. He’d dated a Playboy bunny, something he’d always wanted to do, and the band was doing better than ever. I was happy for him.
While I sat in traffic, thinking about how things might have been different if I had actually stuck around to find out what he wanted to do, I almost failed to notice my phone ringing. The caller ID read Stephanie and I grinned, knowing she wanted to know all about Lucy’s first day.
“Steph, Lucy loves kindergarten. She found two little girls who like Toy Story just as much as the two of you do. Her teacher is nice, too. She kind of reminds me of my mom but without all the snarky southern ways.”
“McKenzie?”
I almost dropped the phone when his voice came through instead of Stephanie’s. “I, uh, well, uh, hi?”
“Who is Lucy?” There was so much suspicion in his voice I almost puked.
“Uh, can I talk to your sister please, Jack?”
“No. You can tell me who Lucy is.”
“Lucy is my daughter,” I muttered, my head on the steering wheel as I waited in more traffic.
“Jack, give me the damn phone!” I heard some mumbled arguing and then a thump before Lucy’s voice came over the line.
“I’m so, so, so sorry about that. Hang on; I’m heading to my room. He just grabbed my phone and started going through the contacts and he saw your name and he freaked out because I’ve been talking to you for the past five years and he had no idea what happened to you.”
“I’m obviously alive,” I huffed, unsure of what to feel. “Holy shit. That’s not how I expected our first conversation in five years to go.”
“Yeah, well, he’s pissed. And he just left. He doesn’t know Lucy is his. He thinks you’re married and living the white picket fence dream now. He doesn’t know you live in California, either, so you know, I think you’re safe from him beating in your door.”
I groaned and threw my head back against the seat as I pulled into the parking lot of the hospital where I worked. “Goddammit,” I almost yelled, “fuck.”
“Okay, well, rage later. I want to know all about Lou’s first day!”
I recounted everything to Stephanie, still mentally freaking out about talking to Jack. I hadn’t planned on talking to him at least until Lucy was grown and gone. “I don’t know if I want him to know.”
Stephanie huffed on the other end of the line. “Kenny, it’s his kid. Don’t you think he should at least know about her? I mean, you left him without a word. He was fucked up for a while over this.”
“Steph, I can’t tell him. Not now, anyway. It’s been five years. He’ll think I want something from him or he’ll think I’m lying. He’s too busy for a kid, anyway. He’s living his dream.”
“And that’s stopping you from living yours, Ken. You barely made it through college the first time. There’s no way you’re going to be able to go to med school until Munchkin’s at least thirteen. Maybe if you told Jack, things would be a little easier. He’s great with kids; he always wanted a family with you. Maybe he’ll just accept it all without question. I mean, he wants some sort of explanation for why you’ve been gone for so long.”
“Just change my name in your phone and don’t invite me anywhere if he’s going to be there. I’ve got to go. I’m in the hospital parking lot and I’m almost late. I’ll call you this afternoon so Lucy can tell you all about her day.”
I hit the end button on my phone before Stephanie could respond and let my head fall to the steering wheel yet again.
“Fuck.”
5/24/13