More Than I Could Ever Dream Of

I woke up the happiest I ever felt the following morning as I thought about how well my date with Alex yet, but for some stupid reason, I wonder if he actually wants to go out on a third date. Because of my insecurities, I have that doubt when I shouldn't; only I would worry about a third date after the one before that went perfectly. Back home, I was one of the kids back home whose life was incredibly difficult financially and support system wise. You see, it was just my mom and I growing up as she was a single teenage mother since my non-existent father or 'sperm donor' did not care to acknowledge me because of one instance that my mom cheated on him. No grandparents, aunts, uncles... no other family supported us; my grandparents kicked my mom out of the house when she was just seventeen because of her being pregnant.

Needless to say, I was bullied growing up and managed to have a boyfriend senior year, but that relationship didn't even last half the school year since he cheated on me with a girl who had blond hair, unlike me who had red hair, and also whose family made more money. This naturally made me insecure in more ways than one and I never bothered dating until my sophomore year of college... community college(surprise, surprise) and that spun out a relationship which lasted a measly six weeks. Being hit with depression during college didn't help anything, as well as an unsupportive mother who didn't and still doesn't believe me about my diagnosis, I was at odds and when my longtime bestie offered a one-way ticket to LA, I took it and never looked back.

When I finally sat up in bed, I was startled by my phone; it was a text from my estranged mother.

For weeks, I had been feeling extremely sad and I did not know what was wrong with me because I never felt that way before. I made an appointment with my doctor and went on a day I didn’t have class. Turns out, I was clinically depressed which just made everything make sense and worse; it's enough that I had to live the way I did growing up, and now, in community college is when I am diagnosed. I could not catch a break apparently as I was now prescribed antidepressants that I will have to take for who knows how long. I hoped the support of the most important people in my life would help me out. I went home to see my mom after picking up my medication to tell her because I did not want to do it over the phone. She smiled as soon as I opened the door and she saw me.

"Hi, honey." she said, hugging me.

"Hi, Mom."

I walked in and sat on the couch so I could talk to her.

"Hey, how’s your day been so far?”

I sighed. I wished it was great, but it truly wasn’t.

“Ok, I guess. I went to the doctor today.”

“What’s going on? You never said that you had an appointment.”

“That’s because I’m an adult and can take care of myself.”

I plan on moving out after graduation next year with whatever money I have saved in my bank account.

“Fair point. Is everything okay?”

“Physically? Yeah. Mentally? Not so much. I was diagnosed with depression.”

“Depression? Really? I thought you were just sad.”

“It’s more than that. There’s a difference. It’s more than just sadness, Mom. There are mood changes, anxiety, loss or lack of energy… plus more. I don’t have all of them because there are several, but enough that I’m just sad.”

“It’s just sadness, Abigail. You’re 21 and going through a lot. It’ll pass.”

Tears brimmed in my eyes.

“Mom, it’s true. Why don’t you believe me? I’m your daughter. You know me better than anyone… you and Miranda.”

“I call bullshit. You’re just sad and your doctor is an idiot.”

I couldn’t take anymore as tears ran down my face.

Why doesn’t she believe me? You think that you can always go to your parents or in my case, my parent… my mother and tell them anything and they’re supposed to believe you. This is fucked up.

I left without saying a word and slammed the door; she didn’t even bother to say my name. I wiped my eyes and started my car, pulling out and hitting the gas. I got a bite to eat at my local diner drove to a spot where my best friend and I loved to hang out at growing up… especially as teenagers. I decided to call her and tell her what was going on with me since I knew she would be supportive of me.

“Hey, girl.” she answered.

“Hey.” I sighed.

“What’s wrong?”

“You know how I’ve been sad lately?”

“Of course. Did you figure out why?”

“Yeah. That’s one of the reasons why I’m calling. I went to the doctor today and I’ve been diagnosed with depression.”

“Oh, Abby. I’m sorry.”

“Thank you, Miranda. It’s nice to finally have an answer and someone who believes me.”

“Are you telling me that your Mom… your amazing Mom doesn’t believe you?”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying. She says that I’m just sad and that I’m 21 and going through a lot. Also, she said it’ll pass. Even after saying it was more than just sadness. She doesn’t fucking believe me. It’s fucked up.”

“It’s incredibly fucked up. I cannot believe your Mom would act like this after all you two have been through.”

“I’m flabbergasted. She’s supposed to and doesn’t. I don’t think I can even live in the same house with her. Do I just move out or do I wait till I graduate? I just can’t deal with her.”

I was on an emotional rollercoaster… so much that I’m beginning to sob.

“You need to breathe, honey. Everything’s gonna be fine.”

“You can’t know that.”

“I do. And you wanna know why?”

“Because I’m your best friend and I love you.”

“I love you, too.” I said, sniffling.

“You wanna come to see me? I can send you a ticket if you’d like.”

“How about a one-way ticket?”

“Abby, don’t you think that’s a bit extreme? This just happened.”

“I know. I just don’t know how much more I can take. I couldn’t go to a nice college like you and I’m stuck here. I loved all the memories with my mom and when I met you, but I just don’t know anymore, Miranda.”

“Well, I have a suggestion. You take plenty of time to think this through, and if you feel the same way as you do now, I will send you that ticket. I promise.”

“Really?”

“Really. Just let me know what you decide and I’ll do it in a heartbeat.”

“You’re the best.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“I’ll talk to you soon. Ok?”

“Take care.”

“Will do. Bye.”

“Bye.”

I hung up then wiped my tears. I truly did have the best friend in the world. Didn’t I?

After two weeks of thinking, I made my decision and called Miranda to let her know I wanted that one-way ticket to L.A. and she sent it as soon as possibly could; I was overjoyed, and although my mom was upset, I left and haven’t been in contact since. Despite her calling and texting me now and then, I never responded and don’t ever plan on doing so.

Abigail, please talk to me. I miss you.

I fought the urge to throw my phone; I should be used to it by now, but I'm not. I texted Miranda directly afterward.

Guess who tried to get a hold of me?

A few moments later...

Ugh. Your mom. What'd she want this time?

She's all too familiar with her doing this, her being the former awesome mom I had and she loved nearly as much as me.

She misses me and wants to talk.

She's become pretty pathetic. I hate to say it.

Yeah. I agree.

I shook my head and started to tear up. She fucked up big time, and now, it has severely affected our relationship and it makes me sad; she's gonna miss out on when I'm not struggling, hopefully developing a relationship with Alex and when I have kids on my own. All I can do now is focus on me and what I want out of life.

Notes