Out of the Darkness

It was a pretty typical day when my life changed for the worse. My fiancé’s car was parked in the driveway when I came home from work. I opened the door and could hear the television on in the living room, but he was not there.

“Ethan, I’m home!”

When I didn’t hear a response with ten seconds, I was worried; I always heard him answer me back and walk into the living room and greet me with a hug and a kiss. He would say that he missed me and loved me before he walking into the kitchen where dinner was cooking and I would follow, smelling the wonderful of whatever he was cooking. He was always the better cook between the two of us and something was always in the oven or on the stove when I entered our beautiful home; I didn’t smell food cooking which was even more alarming.

“Honey, where are you?” I said, immediately dashing up the stairs toward our bedroom.

Maybe he had a long day and was so tired that he fell asleep; that was a possibility… rare, but possible. He wasn’t in there either and I got scared that I began panicking.

“Ethan, this isn’t funny. Where are you?”

I walked into our adjoining bathroom and screamed as I saw him with what looked stab wounds to his back and him lying on the floor near the sink with his phone by his right hand in a pool of his own blood; he must’ve tried to call for help, but wasn’t able to. I took out my phone and called 911, praying he was still alive.

“911. What’s your emergency?”

“My husband’s been stabbed.” I said hysterically.

“Where he has been stabbed, ma’am?”

“In his back.”

“Is he breathing?”

“No…”

I explained that he was stabbed multiple times and was lying in a pool of blood; I had a horrible feeling he was dead because how can anyone survive this type of attack and with this amount of blood loss. I sat on the edge of the bathtub and waited for the ambulance, but it was no use when the paramedics came. He was dead and never coming back. After they took him away and I answered their questions, I called my mother.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Mom.” I said tearfully.

“Sadie, what’s wrong?”

“Ethan’s gone.”

“Gone? Gone where?”

“He’s dead, Mom. Someone killed him. I found him in our bathroom after I got home from work.”

“Oh my God. Do you need me to come get you?”

“I was thinking of packing enough clothes for at least a few days and come over. I cannot stay here.”

“You are more than welcome to come over for as long as possible.”

“Thank you, Mom.”

I was granted permission to get some of my belongings, so I did that as quick as possible then left. I arrived at my childhood home with bloodshot eyes and a tear stained face. She opened the door and wrapped her arms tightly around me where I sobbed into her shoulder.

“Just let it out, baby. Just let it out.” she said, running her hand through my hair.

“I can’t believe Ethan’s gone.”

Somehow, I slept throughout the night, but I certainly didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning. I just wanted my fiancé back and for life to go back to normal; I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do without him. I never felt this way about any guy until him and I was a month away from being his wife.

“Anything I can get you, Sadie?” my mom said at the kitchen table.

“Unless it’s Ethan, then no. Nothing.”

She put on a sympathetic smile and kissed the top of my head; I tried eating the next day, but it just wasn’t happening. The day of his funeral was one of the worst days of my life, but even though he may have been put to rest, he certainly wasn’t at peace; his killer hasn’t been caught, and if he or she ever does, who knows how long it will be when that person will finally be brought to justice.

“How are you feeling?” my best friend, Ayla dared to ask.

We were leaving the cemetery aka his final resting place.

“Ok. I’ll feel better when his killer is caught.”

Days turned into weeks, then into months and eventually, a year passed and there were no leads into my fiancé’s murder which broke my heart… each day without a lead would break my heart just a little more. More time passed and I fell into a deep depression; I hit a breaking point during the five year anniversary of his death. My drinking escalated and I turned into a different person; me nor my friends or family recognized me anymore. I made a rash decision one morning and I planned on following through with by the end of the week. I walked into the bathroom… the same bathroom where I found Ethan dead and undressed, grabbing a new razor blade before stepping into my filled bathtub.

Am I doing this? Am I really going to do this?

I took a huge swig of my bottle of whiskey and sighed as I pressed the blade against my skin.

There's a little house on a perfect little hill
Just short of a fairy tale
There's a little child with a million ways to feel
Caught up in a hurricane

Paper thin walls
Angry words from down the hall
Something changed them
I think about him every now and again

Now there's a ghost in the back of this room
And I don't like it
I fall asleep with my covers pulled up
And try to fight it

I gotta say it's hard to be brave
When you're alone in the dark
I told myself that I wouldn't be scared
But I'm still having nightmares

I'm still having nightmares
(I'm wide awake, I'm wide awake)
(I'm still having nightmares)

Every little thing got me coming back around
Digging up old memories
Always used to be the one to let it go
Got my fears in a suitcase

I locked them away
In a place they wouldn't find
They still haunt me
I think about it every now and again

Now there's a ghost in the back of this room
And I don't like it
I fall asleep with my covers pulled up
And try to fight it

I gotta say it's hard to be brave
When you're alone in the dark
I told myself that I wouldn't be scared
But I'm still having nightmares

I'm still having nightmares
(I'm wide awake, I'm wide awake)
(I'm still having nightmares)

Now there's a ghost in the back of this room
And I don't like it
I fall asleep with my covers pulled up
And try to fight it

Now there's a ghost in the back of this room
And I don't like it
I fall asleep with my covers pulled up
And try to fight it

I gotta say it's hard to be brave
When you're alone in the dark
I told myself that I wouldn't be scared
But I'm still having nightmares

I'm still having nightmares
(I'm wide awake, I'm wide awake)
(I'm still having nightmares)

I gotta say it's hard to be brave
When you're alone in the dark
I told myself that I wouldn't be scared
But I'm still having nightmares
(I'm wide awake, I'm wide awake)

A knock on the door interrupted me.

“Sadie?” Ayla asked seconds later.

Go away. I want to be with the love of my life.

She pounded on the door.

“I’m so worried about you. Why won't you let me in?”

I heard her jiggle the doorknob.

“Because I don't care anymore. I’m ready to be with Ethan and you’re stopping that from happening.” I yelled downstairs.

When I heard no response, I pressed the blade against my skin once again and let the blood flow. I shut my eyes and waited for myself to be at peace.

“Sadie! No!” I heard as I began to drift away.

The next time I opened my eyes, I wasn't with Ethan. I was in a hospital room with an IV in my arm.

Damnit! Why am I still alive?

“You’re alive. I was afraid I would lose you.” she said, crying.

“Why would you save me? I was ready to die.”

“Why are you saying this? You still have people here who love and care about you.”

“But, not Ethan. He’s not here.”

“He wouldn’t have you wanted to die like that. You will see him again.”

“Who knows how long it will be till that happens. His murder is now a cold case and it might never be solved, Ayla.”

“Death is not the answer. It was hard losing him and I do miss him too; I certainly understand, but he would want to see you live your life and find love again.”

“How can I possibly find someone like him again? What if I don't want to?”

“You don’t have to, but you need to live your life and who knows, maybe his murderer will be caught and brought to justice.”

“You’re right.”

I hated admitting it, but it was true.

“So glad to hear you say that.”

I laughed.

“...and to see you smile.”

It's been so long since I smiled... like truly smiled and it felt great.

“Where are my parents?”

“They should be on their way in. You’ve been out for almost a day and you lost a lot of blood. I convinced them to get a good night's sleep.”

“Should I except the same reaction from my mom and dad?”

“Of course, maybe even more of one.”

I nodded and continued conversation until my parents arrived. My mom immediately rushed in and hugged me.

“Why would you do something so stupid?” she said, crying.

“Remember Ethan? His case? Then, you should know.”

“I hope Ayla gave you a good talking to.”

“Did you just meet her?” I said, smiling again.

I got a hug from my dad as well.

“Don’t know what we would have done if we lost you.”

“Well, I’m here and I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon.”

I may still be unhappy, but how could I possibly try again? I don’t need to see them cry like this ever again just because I want to see my fiancé again at this young of an age; this can wait until I’m much older because I know that I will see him again.

Notes

Lyrics and chapter title courtesy of Nightmares by All Time Low.