Slow and Steady

I sat on the bathroom floor in my apartment with tears in my eyes and a pregnancy test in my right hand. I was in disbelief about the positive sign on the stick; I had no plans to have any children at ałl. If I would decide to have this child, he or she would be a result of a one-night stand who I’m sure doesn't live anywhere near the city I live in. I mean, how positively would he respond to this news? Would he be overjoyed and help raise this child or would he not even give a damn? I’m pretty sure the latter is going to happen if I tell him.

“What am I gonna do?” I sobbed to myself.

I stood up seconds later and wiped my tears. I pulled myself together quickly and walked into my room; I placed the pregnancy test in my nightstand drawer and crawled onto my bed where I ended up falling into a deep slumber.

I was ordering myself a drink when a man sat next to me.

“What’s a beautiful girl like you doing here all by yourself?”

I turned and smiled.

“Well, my friends are waiting for me, but...”

“But?”

“...we can change that if you’d like to be alone with me.”

“I like the way you think. Your place or mine?”

“That’s up to you...”

“Ronan. Sounds great...”

“Katya.”

He breathed my name. I left with him ten minutes later and had some of the best sex I’ve ever had. By early morning, I changed back into my strewn clothing and heels and exited his apartment without saying goodbye.

Three weeks later, I still had not made a decision as to whether or not I should keep the baby. I finally scheduled an appointment to see an obstetrician and it was this morning. I was hoping maybe I would make up my mind about having this baby. I had thought about my mediocre job as a postal worker and how much that would cover the cost of raising a child. Not to mention, I wondered about daycare and even considered contacting the baby's biological father. I did end up calling him and he never called me back; I let him know in a voicemail, so there's a dead end. I hated the thought of raising my potential child without a father, but what else could I do about that?

You can do this, Katya. Just take deep breaths and calm yourself.

I walked up to the receptionist and gave my name before sitting down. Four women at different stages of their pregnancies were in the waiting room and I looked down at my belly before touching it. I was feeling overwhelmed again and I hated it.

“Katya?”

She pronounced my name correctly and I stood up and followed her. My vitals were taken and questions were asked before I was left alone to put on a gown. I sat up on the chair while my heart raced.

“Good morning, Katya. Did I say that correctly?”

“Yes and good morning.” I said, smiling.

“So, I heard that you took a pregnancy test and are here to confirm it?”

“Yeah. Three weeks ago. I’ve just been too nervous to make an appointment.”

“That’s okay. Let's take a look.”

Seconds later a probe entered me and a picture showed up on a screen. What I saw was a small blob and it didn't take long at all to hear a heartbeat. I was speechless and covered my mouth with my hand... the same hand I was holding that pregnancy test in.

“Would you like to know how far along you are?”

I nodded.

“Eight weeks.”

“Wow.” I said smiling.

I paused for a moment.

“When can I expect a picture?”

I had to set an appointment to receive one, and once I did, I left and headed home for a couple of hours before I had to go to work. I couldn't think much of anything until I opened my front door and sat down on my couch. I held my hand over my mouth when I heard the heartbeat and asked for a picture.

Does that mean I want this child?

Of course, you do. Abortion’s off the table now, too. How could you even think of adoption either?

I want this child. I do. I can not imagine not being a mother.

I’m having a baby and going to be a single mother; I’m determined to be as great of a mom as mine was. However, I’m not ready to tell her, my father or anyone for that matter. I don't know what anyone’s going to think of a woman who is going to raise a child who was the result of a one-night stand. I plan to tell my parents first, but I have no idea when I’m going to tell them; that is just something I am sure of.

“This is crazy.”

I was looking at my stomach in the mirror when I decided to rub it. There was hardly any change, but I knew that my future child was the size of a raspberry which might not be enough, but the fact that I was pregnant and keeping him/her was amazing in-and-of-itself.

Notes