Burn Bright, Fade Fast

Alex didn't want to die. He just…didn't want to be here anymore. It was something that he'd felt for a long time but hadn't been able to put into words for years. He really did love touring, loved sharing his music with the world. Still, late at night, after the shows and the partying and the drinking, Alex would lay in his bunk, desperately wishing for the familiarity of home, where he didn't have to deal with all the stress and all the people constantly telling him where to go and what to do. But going home also meant days on end of not talking to anyone, of the crushing loneliness and feelings of being unwanted.

The perpetual sadness only fueled Alex's self-hatred. He had no right to feel this way. For fuck's sake, he was living the dream! He'd turned his greatest passion into a career. He was a rockstar, out on the road with his best friends in the entire world. There was nothing more he could ask for. So then why did everything feel so wrong?

Alex was sitting on the cold tile floor of his kitchen, back pressed against the cabinets and knees drawn to his chest. A bottle of pills was clutched tightly in his shaking hands. There was something terrifying, yet oddly comforting about how easy it was to just…end it all. But did he really wanna go through with this? Could he go through with it?

He thought about his parents, his friends, his band. Everyone would be sad at first, sure, but they'd get over it. They would move on. The world would keep turning.

He wished he could feel something other than numb.

The sudden sound of his front door opening and slamming shut made Alex jump. He definitely hadn't been expecting anyone.

"Alex! You weren't answering my texts, so I'm breaking into your house!" Jack's unnecessary shouting broke the heavy silence.

Shit. Alex could feel his heart pounding as he dealt with the conflicting thoughts running through his mind. His first instinct was to get up, brush himself off, and pretend that he wasn't completely falling apart at the seams. But some small part of him wanted to just break down in front of Jack, screaming and crying that he was hurting, that he was miserable and fucked-up and-

"Alex?"

He looked up to see Jack staring at him from across the room.

Jack, meanwhile, stood frozen as he took in the sorry sight in front of him. He just couldn't accept that this was Alex, his Alex, curled up on the ground, hair a tangled mess and eyes once so full of light now a dull brown. He'd never seen this Alex before, and quite frankly, it was scaring the shit out of him. He quickly crossed the room, dropping to his knees in front of Alex.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Jack asked softly.

Alex averted his gaze and kept his mouth shut. He didn't trust himself to speak.

"Alex, talk to me. Please." Something was so very, very wrong, and Jack hated the feeling of absolute helplessness he was experiencing. When Alex stayed quiet, Jack reached out to put a comforting hand on his arm.

Not wanting to be touched (and yet so badly wanting to just be held), Alex jerked his arm away, causing the previously forgotten pills to rattle in their plastic container. Before Alex could even process what was happening, Jack had grabbed the small bottle and was holding it like a bomb that could go off at any second.

Jack felt like he was going to be sick as it dawned on him what he may have just walked in on. He hoped to God he was wrong. "Did you-"

Alex shook his head, tears clouding his vision. "I wasn't gonna do anything, I swear."

"But you were thinking about it."

There was a moment where they just stared at one another, both of them terrified but for entirely different reasons. Then Jack was throwing himself forward, wrapping his arms around Alex and pulling him into a tight embrace.

Alex struggled to break free but soon gave up and buried his face into Jack's shoulder as the tears finally spilled over.

"Why didn't you tell anyone?" Jack asked, blinking back tears of his own.

"I don't know! I didn't want anything to change…I didn't wanna be treated differently."

"I won't treat you any different, I promise," Jack said reassuringly. "I just want you to know that you can talk to me. Call me, text me, come to my house, whatever. I don't even care if it's three AM. Just please don't keep this to yourself. You're my best friend, and I don't know what I'd do if-" He squeezed his eyes shut, unable to finish the thought.

"I'm sorry," Alex said with a pained sob. He sniffled and wiped away a few stray tears, which were quickly replaced with new ones. "You can go if you want. Don't force yourself to be here just because you feel bad for me."

Jack took him by the shoulders and held him away at arm's length, forcing Alex to look at him. "I'm not leaving. And I'm not here because I feel bad for you. I wanna help, so please just tell me what I can do."

Alex thought for a moment. "Can you just stay? For a while?" It was a stupid thing to ask, and he could feel his face heating up from embarrassment.

Jack nodded with a look of sincerity. "I'll stay as long as you want me to."

"Thanks," Alex said quietly.

A comfortable silence fell over the room.

"Do you…wanna watch TV or something?" Jack eventually asked. He was desperate to do something normal, something to get Alex back to himself.

Alex was laying down on one side of the sofa while Jack sat on the other end. They mindlessly flipped through channels, watching whatever looked mildly entertaining as the sun sank below the horizon, painting the room gold.

The only light left was coming from the television set and the soft glow of the moon when Jack realized that Alex had finally fallen asleep. Careful not to make any noise, he grabbed a blanket that had been draped over the back of the sofa and covered Alex with it. Jack studied his tear-stained face with a small frown. He knew that nothing had been fixed, not really. But just making it from one day to the next is an accomplishment all in itself, isn't it?

He looked out the window, up towards the cloudless sky. The stars were beautiful that night.

Notes

Thanks for reading! This was actually the first one-shot I ever wrote, but I really enjoyed writing it and would love to take requests for more, so if you have any ideas that you'd like me to write for you, please leave a comment or message me here or on tumblr @satellites-n-stars. I'm most comfortable writing angsty stuff, but I'm totally open to other things. Ships are fine as well. Likes and comments much appreciated :)