Don't Get Your Hopes Up

Alex takes a deep breath, closing his eyes. He digs his teeth into his bottom lip, and though he doesn’t believe in God, he sends up a short prayer to whatever entity that may or may not exist to get him through this. Fucking hell, he’s nervous. Jack hasn’t even showed up yet and Alex already has the strong urge to put a bullet in his head. He can’t believe that he’s going to do the, going to bare his soul and finally reveal the carefully hidden secret that he’s kept to only himself for years and years.

He’d wondered earlier if he should have bought chocolates or flowers or wine or fucking something, but Alex also knows that he’s pathetic enough as it is. Showing up with a girly gift like that would surely make Jack laugh in his face. He’s all but pacing around his living room, staring at the clock ticking thunderously on the wall. He just wants this night to be over, no matter how it ends.

On one hand, things could go well. Jack could feel the same way and be ecstatic. They’d end the night blissfully, kissing and tumbling into bed just like Alex has always wanted. But the fact of the matter is that the world hates Alex and he doesn’t have a lot of faith in this scenario. In reality, Jack’s probably going to be disgusted. He’ll probably hit Alex at least once, that is, if he doesn’t just go ahead and beat the shit out of him. Maybe he’ll curse at him, denounce him and regret every minute of their friendship.

Maybe he’ll never speak to Alex again.

Obviously Alex doesn’t want that, but he’s sick to death of keeping his true feelings a secret. It’s been an exhausting twenty-nine years and Alex just doesn’t have the energy that it takes to hide it anymore. Even if Jack hates him for his feelings, at least he won’t have to wonder what might have been.

He’s had the urge, more than once, to grab a bottle of Jack Daniels out of his cupboard, but he needs to be completely sober when he tells Jack how he feels. If he’s buzzed at all, Jack may believe him to be kidding. And Alex knows that he can’t do this more than once.

His breath hitches when there’s a knock at his door. He shuts his eyes and then takes a deep breath, his eyes scanning over his house. It’s decorated for the holidays and honestly, it’s an idealistic setting. The lights are low, besides the ones on the tree and the icicle lights hanging above his door. If Jack does feel the same way, then it’ll be a Christmas miracle and he’ll have his beautiful decor to back it up. If not, he’s never decorating for Christmas again.

He opens the door and gives his best friend in the world a smile. Jack looks perfect, as he always does. He’s clad in gray jeans, a black leather jacket, and black boots. His hair and his beard are expertly groomed and his signature key necklace is hanging from his neck. He honestly takes Alex’s breath away, as he always does. Jack is smiling back at Alex, his hands in his pockets.

“Sup, dude?” he asks, stepping inside.
Alex’s hands are shaking as he closes the door behind Jack. “N-nothing much, just hanging out at home. It’s nice to be on break.”

It was only a few days before Christmas and so, the band was on break. The guys were all in Baltimore at once, which was strange. But tonight, Zack and Rian were not invited. Alex loved them, of course, but this was something he simply had to do alone. His phone was off and in another room, far from reach. He’d even shut his dogs up in his bedroom to keep them at bay. Regardless of how Jack felt about his confession, he had no plans of even seeing anyone else tonight.

Jack nods, taking off his jacket and hanging it on Alex’s coat rack. The two of them were so close that Jack never hesitated to make himself at home. “Same here. My mom won’t stop forcing junk food down my throat, though. I swear, she goes crazy during the holidays,” he says with a chuckle as he settles onto the sofa.

“You sure she’s forcing it?” Alex asks with a wry smile, shifting nervously from one foot to the other.

Jack laughs, shaking his head. “Get off my back, dude.” He frowns, noticing Alex’s edginess. He pats the spot on the couch beside him. “So, you wanted to talk about something with me?”

Alex takes another deep breath and bites his lip. With a nod, he sits down beside Jack and crosses his ankles. It’s now or never.

“What I have to tell you, it’s not…It’s something I’ve kept a secret for a long time. And yeah, you don't even have to tell me — you and I aren’s supposed to keep secrets from one another. But the truth is that I couldn’t tell you this. It’s just too personal and honestly too fragile-”

“Hold on,” Jack interjects, holding up a hand. “Dude, it can’t be that bad. You know you should never be afraid to tell me something, right?”

Alex nods and whispers, “r-right. Of course. I know that.” He sighs. “I just don’t want you to hate me.”

Jack furrows his brow. “Dude, I’m not gonna hate you. There’s literally nothing you could do to make you hate me.”

Alex chuckles lowly and shakes his head, eyes downcast to the floor. “This just might.”

“What is it, then?” Jack asks. “Are you gonna tell me or just keep being cryptic for the rest of the night? You’re really freaking me out, man.”

Alex’s face falls and his teeth sink into his bottom lip again. “Fine, yeah, you’re right. Look, Jack, I love you. I’m in love with you. And I have been for quite a long time.” It comes out quickly and he’s kind of proud of himself for not throwing up or crying or passing out. He’d also expected there to be word vomit, but he kept it at a minimum. But even still, he can’t bring himself to look up at Jack. He’s terrified to see his face, terrified to hear his response. He’s awaiting rejection, but he just can’t take disgust. That will kill him.

“Oh, Alex,” Jack says softly, and Alex’s stomach drops immensely. He still doesn’t look at Jack, but he just knows that he doesn’t feel the same. He’s about to be friend zoned. Hard. “I’m so sorry,” he whispers.

Alex bites his lip hard, trying to stop the tears that are pricking to his eyes. He’s embarrassed and already heartbroken and he kind of just wants Jack to get out of his house.

“Look at me,” Jack breathes, gently pressing a finger against Alex’s chin, tilting his eyes up to meet his own. He’s smiling softly and sadly, which breaks Alex’s heart even further. Alex blinks and a few lone tears start to slide down his cheeks. He hates everything right now.

“Wh-what?” Alex sniffles. He doesn’t break eye contact with Jack and his heart is pounding insanely hard in his chest. He wants so badly to just disappear.

Jack’s frown deepens. “Alex, please don’t cry. I’m sorry. It’s just…You’re my best friend, y’know? I just don’t see you that way.”

Alex drags his teeth over his bottom lip, trying to distract himself from the extreme emotions that are all pummeling him at once. He’s embarrassed and exhausted, miserable and uncomfortable. “I…Right,” Alex whispers as a few more tears escape from his eyes. He sniffles. “No, I-I understand. I honestly didn’t expect you to feel the same.”

Jack clicks his tongue, reaching a hand up to wipe at Alex’s tears. “You don’t need to cry,” he whispers.

Alex shrugs. “I’m sorry. I can’t help it…I mean, you don’t have to stay here and try to make me feel better. I-I’ll be all right. I was prepared for this.” To a point, he’s lying. He’d tried to prepare for this rejection, but it’s much worse than he’d been expecting. He’d really thought that Jack would have just punched him and ran out, but here he is. He’s sitting here with Alex still, whispering nice words and wiping away his tears. In some ways, that’s worse. At least if Jack would have left, Alex could have gone to bed and cried himself to sleep. Because he’s still here, Alex has to sit with him and try not to completely fall apart, effectively embarrassing himself even further.

Jack shakes his head. “No, no. I’m sorry…I just hate that I don’t know what to say. I mean, you’re my best friend and you always know what to say to me. I just…I can’t pretend to love you when I don’t. That would be cruel.”

Alex sniffles and nods. He agrees, but for some reason, Jack’s words set him off even more. Hearing Jack flat out say that he doesn’t love him hurts him straight to his core. He’s felt immense pain before, many times. He can recall multiple times in which Jack’s been drunk and sober and just blatantly made out with girls and guys right in front of him. In those situations, Alex had adjourned to his bunk and sobbed into his pillow, especially when it was a guy. How unfair it seemed to be that Jack could be attracted to a guy — just not to Alex. His chest hurt so badly sometimes, to the point where he just wanted to quit the tour altogether. But today, this is different. He’s hurting so much that he’s ready to just drink bleach. Before he knows it, his tears are thickening and one after another until he’s full out sobbing. Soon, Jack’s pulling him into his strong arms and holding him tight. This just makes Alex cry harder as he fits his face in the junction between Jack’s neck and shoulder.

Jack sighs, pushing his fingers into Alex’s hair. He holds him tightly for a few moments as he sobs, but he soon pulls away to wipe Alex’s tears away again. “We’re gonna be okay,” he whispers. “I promise. This doesn’t change anything.”

“How can you say that?!” Alex protests. “It changes everything! How are we supposed to be normal when you know what you know? You’re going to constantly have your guard up and that’s unfair.”

Jack shakes his head. “No, Alex. I don’t…I don’t want anything to change. Nothing will change. You’ll be my best friend forever.”

Alex snorts. “Doesn’t that just sound perfect. Jack and Alex — bffs forever and always.” He rubs his eyes as more tears come to them. “That’s fucking stupid, Jack, and that’s n-not how it’s gonna be and you know it. You’re going to grow to hate me-”

“Alex, that’s not true!” Jack interjects.

“-If not now, then later,” Alex says quietly. “If not later, then much later. It’ll happen eventually.”

Jack takes a deep breath. “Alex, just trust me. This one time. Please.”

Alex shakes his head brokenly. “I-I can’t. I just can’t.” He goes to turn away from Jack, but Jack grabs his shoulder and pulls him back, forcing Alex to look at him. Alex gasps for air as his eyes meet Jack’s. Everything is happening so fast and he wants to end, but he should have known that Jack would be this level of stubborn. He always is.

“It’s gonna be okay,” Jack says, barely over a whisper. And before Alex can protest once more, he can both see and feel Jack leaning in to kiss him. He knows that he should stop him, but the feeling of Jack’s warm, slow breath against his mouth, his beautiful, slightly chapped lips moving with his own. His eyes close immediately and he just barely kisses Jack back. The kiss is soft and hesitant, as if both of them are afraid of ruining something, probably because they are. At least Alex is.

That’s why he pulls away after a moment with a gasp. He stares at Jack, completely shocked and hurt. Tears well up in Alex’s eyes and he jerks away from him. “Wh-what is wrong with you?!” he exclaims.

“Alex, I-I’m sorry-”

Alex shakes his head, standing up quickly and violently. “You literally just told me that you don’t want to be with me! That you don’t love me! And now you’re fucking kissing me! What the fuck, Jack?!”

Jack jams his hands into his pockets and sighs. He opens his mouth to explain, but Alex doesn’t let him.

“I don’t understand,” Alex whispers. “I don’t understand at fucking all! Why would you play with my feelings like this?! Why would you do this to me?!” He starts sobbing then, turning away from Jack and hiding his face in his hands.

“I don’t know,” Jack says finally, defeated. “I just…I wanted to make you feel better. You’re so upset and-”

“You wanted to make me feel better?!” Alex exclaims, turning to face Jack again, tears streaking his face. “What in the fuck would kissing me solve, Jack?! What, you felt that sorry for me? I’m so pathetic that a tiny little kiss from Jack Barakat would cure everything?!”

“That’s not what I meant at all,” Jack mutters. “I don’t know, Alex. I don’t know what to do. But more than anything, I don’t want to lose you and I’m so scared that I’m going to.”

Alex watches, confused as tears fill Jack’s eyes. Alex wants more than anything to just soften, run into Jack’s arms, and tell Jack it will be okay. But he’s frozen to his spot on the floor. “You don’t know the first thing about friendship, Jack. You really don’t.”

Jack swallows hard, wiping at his eyes. “I don’t, huh? It’s not like I’m fucking doing my absolute best to keep us friends. It’s not like I’m totally at a loss as to what to do. But I’m trying.”

Alex snorts, shaking his head again. “Trying. As if getting my hopes up and burning them to the ground is trying. No, it’s fucking cruel.” Tears begin to spill down his cheeks again and he closes his eyes, not wanting any of this to be true. He wants it all to go away and he just can’t look at Jack right now, too hurt and humiliated.

The second time that Jack kisses Alex, he doesn’t see it, he feels it. His eyes are shut tightly and his body stays stiff as tears cascade down his face. Jack presses his lips to the corner of Alex’s mouth very gently, to the point in which Alex can barely feel it. But he does feel it and it breaks his heart again, makes him want to pull away. He places his palms firmly on Jack’s chest and tries to push away, but Jack’s mouth is still on his, and soon enough, his arms wrap around Alex, too. Jack is holding Alex closely and tightly and there’s nowhere for him to go. Not that he really wants to.

Jack’s lips slowly become less gentle, his tongue caressing Alex’s in an attempt to deepen the kiss and calm Alex down. And, of course, Alex is utterly powerless when it comes to Jack. He can’t help but kiss him back, as the brokenness in his chest flutters away and is replaced with a certain kind of happiness that he’s only ever experienced the times that Jack has kissed him on stage. Except this time, Jack isn’t pulling away and running around a stage. Against Alex’s better judgement, he presses his lips and tongue against Jack’s.

It’s heaven, absolute and utter heaven. Alex has never felt this kind of pleasure in his entire life. He’s dreamed about it for years, of Jack’s lips on his own, his strong arms holding him in place and his body pressed so close to his own.

Heaven. 

Before Alex can register it happening, Jack’s pushing him to his sofa, the back of his legs hitting the cushions. Jack pulls away for just a moment, to gaze up at Alex. Alex wants to flip out, convinced that Jack’s regretting this, but he doesn’t have time. Soon enough, Jack is flipping Alex onto the couch completely so that he’s flat on his back. Jack gives Alex a small smirk before climbing on top of him and kissing him again, but much harder this time. Alex’s lips begin to hurt and he’s breathless, but he will not stop kissing Jack no matter what. It’s hot and wet and he’ll never grow tired of the flavor, sweet and instantly addicting. Their kisses are quick and scorching, with teeth biting and tongues sliding. Jack’s hands are everywhere, combing through Alex’s hair, shimmying down his arms, wriggling into his shirt. His fingertips ghost over Alex’s stomach and Alex wants to hold his breath as the calloused digits skim up, dangerously close to nipples. He wants to hitch his breath, but Jack’s lips are still fixed to Alex’s like glue. Alex gasps against Jack’s mouth when the pads of his thumbs finally press against his nipples, whining when he begins to roll the beads in between his fingers.

Alex moans, bucking his hips up against Jack’s. Jack pulls off for a moment, looking Alex in the eye, which gives Alex anxiety yet again. But Jack just grins, kissing Alex again and rutting down against him. Alex moans again, louder this time and Jack grins again, wedging a thigh between Alex’s legs. Snaking his tongue even further into Alex’s mouth, he begins to roll his hips down against the other boy’s and Alex has his eyes closed, afraid that they might roll back into his head. If he thought that kissing Jack was amazing, he didn’t know a word to describe this. It’s everything to Alex and he’s relieved that he’d decided to wear sweat pants tonight in place of jeans.

He reaches up, digging his fingers into Jack’s hair as he ruts up against him, whining and tugging as Jack speeds up his hips. They don’t talk at all, but that’s okay to Alex, because words, regardless of what they are, are scary. He’d much rather let his body do the talking, and Jack’s, too because they seem to be on the same level, at least in this department.

Alex doesn’t even bother to alert Jack when he feels the heat in his stomach start to tighten. He doesn’t want to fuck anything up, doesn’t want Jack to stop until he’s reached his climax. He bites down on Jack’s lip hard as he comes, probably splitting his lip in the process. But Jack doesn’t seem to mind at all, coming right after him and squeezing Alex’s hips so tightly that Alex knows he’s going to have finger-shaped bruises. Jack places a tiny kiss onto his lips and then pulls Alex’s exhausted body close to him. Alex wants badly to talk to Jack now, to find out what the hell just happened, but he’s so tired and terrified of scaring Jack away. He’s holding Alex, and maybe it’s pathetic, but Alex just isn’t ready to let that go.

Before he knows it, he’s drifting off in Jack’s arms, with the younger man gently running his fingers through his hair. He knows that he’s a goner. He’ll be asleep in a few minutes, that is, if he lasts that long.

And he’s right, because when he wakes up, it’s a few hours later and Jack’s gone. He frowns and jumps to his feet, running around his house. Panic is setting into his chest and he has no idea what to do. Tears fill his eyes as he checks every room, calling Jack’s name. When he opens his bedroom door, the dogs run out to greet him, but he can’t help but ignore them, looking aimlessly for Jack. He’s sobbing by the time he’s looked in every room in his house (even the closets), but he still manages to look out of his front door. It’s freezing and a light snow is falling down, with only faint streetlights lighting his vision. His heart sinks when he realizes that Jack’s car is gone. Jack is gone. Alex feels foolish for everything, for doing what he’d done with Jack, for believing that Jack could have possibly felt something for someone as pathetic and broken as Alex. If he wasn’t so defeated, he might have laughed at his own misfortunate. But the truth was that he was too miserable to feel much else.

With a heavy heart, Alex goes back inside and drops onto the sofa, crying loudly, face down in the cushions. What makes everything even worse is that the fabric smells like Jack and it just stabs Alex’s heart with the reminder of what he’d had only a short time ago. God, it just hurts so fucking much, which is why he’d held off on telling Jack for so long. He’d at least thought that he would feel relieved once Jack knew the truth, but he doesn’t. In fact, he feels even worse than he did before. He wishes that he would never let go of his dark secret. But he did, and now he’s going to have to live with Jack’s reaction.

Jack had said that their relationship wouldn’t change, but Alex knew that it would. How could it not? He’d seen the shock on his best friend’s face. Then again, Jack had also kissed him, and then on the couch…

But Jack hack had also left right after. Surely, he regretted what they had done. Alex knew that he had to. There was no way that someone as gorgeous and perfect as Jack could want someone as pitiful and plain as Alex. He was stupid to think so.

A small wet tongue and a whining sound are what makes Alex sit up and wipe his eyes. Peyton and Sebastian are sat in front of him, looking at him worriedly, at which Alex can’t help but smile softly. He reaches down and strokes them both before a glint of light catches his eye. His phone is flashing with a notification of Jack’s name. His stomach simultaneously drops and twists. He’s terrified to see what Jack has to say, but he also knows that he has to look. It’s a text and it immediately breaks his heart.

Alex,

I’m sorry that I just left like that. I guess I’m a coward, but I just need some time to think. I’m not sure what happened between us, I don’t know what came over me. I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you anymore than I already have. I’m sorry that I didn’t even have the guts to call you, but I just can’t face it yet. Give me some time and I promise we’ll talk about this. Just, please don’t expect too much.

Don’t get your hopes up.

And in retrospect, Alex should have told himself that from the very beginning.

Notes

I realized this evening that I haven't posted a plethora of my jalex fics here, so I'm gonna do that now. I know the audience here is not very large, but that's okay! I hope you guys enjoy! :-)