Back to My Heart

It’s a new year and Zack and I have officially been married for over a year, which is astounding. Since then, I have gone off of birth control, and although I know getting pregnant isn’t exactly the easiest process, I have had an incredible amount of trouble doing so. Each time I’ve been fertile, we’ve had sex just for that, but there have been no results. I’ve grown weary and frustrated; after all that we’ve been through, you’d think we’d catch a break, but no, it’s all been a number of failures.

“Good morning.” Zack said, kissing my cheek.

I was feeling especially tired this morning, so when I didn’t answer, he sat down and pulled me closer as I continued to eat my bowl of cereal on the couch.

“What’s wrong?”

I just put another spoonful of food into my mouth instead of answering him. He responded by setting my bowl on the table and turning to look at me; I smacked him in the shoulder.

“Zack! Give me my bowl back.”

“Talk to me first.”

“My food’s getting soggy. There. I talked to you.”

He touched my arm and turned to look at me.

“Astrid.”

“I’m just tired and frustrated about us trying to have a baby. It’s been over a year.”

Tears began to cascade down my cheeks; he pulled me into his lap and I continued to cry into his shoulder.

“It’ll happen. I promise.” he said, rubbing his hands up and down my back.

“Don't make promises you can't keep." I mumbled.

"Why can't I?"

"My body's clearly out of whack, so who knows what's gonna happen.”

“We’ll be okay, no matter what, whether we have our own child or we adopt.”

“You’re so full of optimism. You know that?” I said, smiling.

He responded by kissing me.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Only an hour later, I was outside on our back porch reading when a sudden feeling of nausea hit me. I barely made it to the bathroom where I emptied what little content was left in my stomach into the toilet. Realizing what could possibly be going on, I brushed my teeth, then located a pregnancy test I had bought just a week ago. Luckily, I hadn’t peed in a while, so I opened it up and used it; the five minutes that passed couldn’t have gone by slower.

“Astrid?”

I hadn’t even heard him come through the door. I looked at the test and had a huge smile on my face; I need to tell Zack now. He was in the living room and I bombarded him with a hug.

"Someone's happy." he said, wrapping his arms around me.

"Someone's pregnant."

"What? Really?"

I showed him the test and he had on the same smile as I did.

"It's about damn time." I said.

“We need to celebrate.”

“I want to head to the obstetrician before that. I wanna be sure.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

I set an appointment for Tuesday which means it’ll be in a couple of days... two long days. My heart was pounding against my chest sitting in the waiting room; I laid my head on his shoulder until my name was called; he held my hand.

“Astrid?”

I let out a sigh and stood up. Once I changed into a gown and sat up, I began tapping my foot.

“Why am I so anxious? I shouldn’t be.”

“I get it. I’m anxious, too. We’ve been trying for so long.”

I nodded and turned to kiss him right before my doctor walked into the room.

“Hello. I’m Dr. Porter. You must be Astrid.” she introduced herself.

“Hi. This is my husband, Zack.”

"Hi."

"Ready to see what's going on?" she asked.

"Definitely."

It wasn’t long until a picture of my uterus showed up on the screen. I watched the screen as she searched.

“Here we are. You see that small blob? That’s your child.”

And then, I heard a heartbeat. My hand went over my mouth as I was trying not to cry.

“And there’s a heartbeat.”

“How far along do you think I am?”

“I’d say seven weeks. Congratulations!”

When she let me change and had left the room, I kissed Zack.

“I can’t believe it. I’m actually pregnant. I’m gonna be a mom.” I said with a few tears running down my face.

“And I’m gonna be a dad.”

He was getting a bit emotional himself.

“How about I change and we go celebrate?”’

“I like that plan.”

About a month-and-a-half later, we decided to tell our friends and family. Yeah. We didn’t even tell a single friend about it which was quite difficult; I have trouble keeping secrets, especially one like this.

"Hey." he said from behind me.

I was opening up my laptop, so we could Skype both sets of parents at the same time.

"Hey."

"Excited?"

"More than you'll ever know."

He sat next to me and wrapped an arm around my waist, but not before kissing my belly.

"I love you." he said to our baby.

I had to hold back the tears because I did not want him to see me cry. Once all our parents popped up on the screen, I just wanted to blurt out the fact that I'm pregnant. After greeting them, my mom spoke up.

"So, you two have all four of us here. This must be big news."

"It's big news." I said.

"It's huge news." Zack said.

I bit my lip to keep the giggle I was holding to come out.

"Well, what is it, honey?" my mom asked.

"I'm pregnant." I squealed.

Zack laughed, clearly amused. Everyone let out sounds of excitement and happiness at our major announcement.

"How far along are you?" his mom asked.

"About twelve weeks. We found out at seven weeks."

"That is beyond amazing. How long have you been trying?" my mom asked.

I sighed. Zack pulled me into him.

"For over a year. I still can't believe it's happening."

"Me either. We were getting frustrated." he said.

They had no idea how frustrated we were feeling.

"All that matters is that it's happening. You two deserve to have a beautiful family." my mom said.

My heart melted when she said that. We all spoke for another five minutes before disconnecting. Suddenly, I realized how tired I was and felt like taking a nap.

“Wanna nap with me? I’m exhausted for some reason.” I asked, wiping my eyes.

To be quite honest, I've had some trouble sleeping for the past three days or so.

“Is it normal to be this tired at this point?"

"Yeah, but I'm sure it'll go away. Anyway, the nap?"

"I'll never turn that down."

I smiled and kissed him.

“I love you.” I said.

“I love you, too.”

Fast forward seven months, I’m twenty pounds heavier and ready to give birth to our beautiful baby boy, but he apparently has different plans.

“Why’s he so stubborn?” I asked as I got dressed for the day.

Zack was sitting on the edge of our bed simply listening to what I have to say.

“I wish I knew, but he clearly gets that trait from one of us. Someone who is only in a bra and panties right now.”

“Shut up, Zack.”

He moved and kneeled in front of my stomach.

“Tell her, I’m right.”

“Don’t be an ass.”

“You love me.” he said, standing up.

“Usually.”

When he looked into my eyes, I couldn’t help but kiss him.

“I love you, too.”

I just decided to laugh and bury my head into his neck; he kissed the top of my head. I then felt a liquid drip down my leg which certainly wasn’t urine.

Fuck. It’s time.

“We need to go.” I said.

“What do you mean we-“

I gestured for him to look at my leg.

“Oh, shit.”

“Help me change.”

Once I changed, he grabbed my bag and we were out the door. By the time he started the car, I screamed out in pain.

Great. The contractions have begun.

I actually reached for Zack as we hadn’t moved yet.

“Astrid?” he asked as I grabbed his arm.

“Contraction. I’m fine.”

“You sure?”

“Please just go.”

I let go a few seconds later as it passed. I felt a little better as I laid in a hospital bed, but I knew that wasn’t gonna last.

“How you feeling?” he asked.

“Okay.” I said, rubbing my belly.

It turns out I was already eight centimeters, so I didn’t even have time for an epidural which was what I was wanting.

“Guess someone’s not stubborn anymore.” I said.

He laughed.

“He must’ve heard you.”

I smiled slightly.

“Let’s just hope he comes quickly now. I can’t believe I’m not gonna get that epidural that I want so badly.”

Contraction.

I laid a hand on my stomach while Zack held my other hand. Roughly an hour later, I reached ten centimeters and it was time to push while I squeezed the hell out of Zack's hand.

“Ready?” he asked, stroking my hair.

“As I’ll ever be. You?”

“Definitely.”

It took just forty-five minutes for him to arrive and he certainly made his presence known. Zack kissed my forehead while they cleaned him off and checked him out.

“Does this cutie have a name?”

I smiled.

“Grayson Zane Merrick.”

We had such a difficult time picking out a name that when we finally did, it was such a relief. When they handed him to me, I felt an emotion that I was all too familiar with, but it was different... a different kind of love: instantaneous and maternal love.

“Hi, there, Grayson. I’m your mommy.”

He looked up at me with eyes I have known and loved nearly my entire life: Zack’s. I teared up and smiled... again.

“You are so beautiful. I love you.” I said, caressing his face.

I looked up at Zack and he nodded; he knew what I was thinking. I handed Grayson to his daddy.

“Hey, buddy. I’m your daddy.”

He smiled up at him and my heart melted.

“I love you.”

I truly couldn’t have been happier at that moment. Three years later, we were blessed with twins, a son who was named Asher James, and a daughter named Maisie Jane. After having such trouble to even become pregnant the first time that when we discovered that I was having twins, it was remarkable. Heck, the fact that Zack and I found our way back to each other, it was remarkable and none of this amazing joy we have found would be possible and both of us could not be more blessed.

Notes