Back to My Heart

I was standing and looking at myself in the mirror with less than five minutes till I was due to walk down the aisle to get married the man of my dreams, but doubts were starting to creep through my mind. I should be ecstatic because I love my fiancé dearly and he’s the one person who I trust with my life more than anyone I have ever trusted in my entire existence aside from one person that is and I’m not talking about either of my parents. I am talking about someone I have known since preschool; we became friends quickly and thought that nothing could break us apart. We progressed to becoming a couple when we hit eighth grade and were envied throughout our high school years; what broke us six years ago is something I try not to think about since it is incredibly painful.

"Ready, Astrid?” my mom asked.

She was about to head into where the ceremony was to be held which meant my dad was about to walk me down the aisle. I put on the best smile I could and nodded.

"Yeah." I said in the strongest voice that I could muster.

"See you, soon, sweetie. Erik's gonna be speechless when he sees you. You are stunning."

"Thanks, Mom."

Everybody loves Erik; he's the ideal man. He is chivalrous, charming, hilarious and can easily make anyone laugh, especially me and is a hopeless romantic, perhaps more than me at times. I met him six years ago which was about a year after I moved back home aka Baltimore which was a long distance from where I was living which was in Hawaii with my ex who I am truly missing and wishing was here right now.

We were out on a date at an amazing restaurant celebrating our eleven year anniversary which was astounding to me. Eleven years together and we're only twenty-four years old, but we are such a strong couple and seemingly unbreakable. When our order came, I noticed someone from both our pasts walk toward us; this someone would hardly leave us alone during high school because she had such a huge crush on Zack. She never succeeded in doing anything to break us apart, but here she is now and I have such a huge knot in my stomach.

"Astrid? You okay?"

Was it that obvious?

"Remember Lorelai?"

"Unfortunately. Why?"

"She's walking toward our table."

"We haven't seen her since graduation. What could she possibly want?"

The second she grazed her hand across his shoulder, I was ready to pounce; I didn't care about what the damn spectacle would look like because that's how much hatred I have toward her. He shook her hand off immediately.

"What the hell are you doing here, Lorelai?" I asked angrily.

"I'm on vacation and have every right to be here.”

I scoffed.

“You always have some kind of agenda. I don’t even see you with anybody.”

“Yeah. Fuck off, Lorelai.” Zack said.

“Now, is that any way to speak to a lady?”

“You’re trash. There’s a difference.” I said.

She went ahead and kissed him; he pushed her off.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” I yelled right in her face.

“You should see your face right now. It’s so red.” she laughed.

“I call you trash and you don’t even try to defend yourself. Do you have any dignity? He was never into you in high school, and he’s not into you now. He never will be into you. Can’t you get that through your thick skull?”

“I’m never gonna stop. Ever. Perhaps, maybe, I’ll move here and try to destroy you two.”

“You’re such a psycho.”

“I’ll leave, but I’ll probably see you two lovebirds later.”

She then turned toward Zack.

“Bye Zack.”

As soon as she was out of eyeshot and earshot, I began to cry.

“I fucking hate her.”

“She’s never gonna break us apart. I love you way too much for anything to destroy us.” he said, placing his hand over mine.

I began to smile.

“I love you, too.”

I was on the verge of tears, but I quickly pulled it together.

“Ready to go?” my dad asked.

“Absolutely.”

I took his arm and with my heart pounding against my chest, the doors opened and the music began to play. Erik smiled as soon as he saw me; I smiled and continued to walk. When I reached him, he took his hands in mine.

“We are here today to unite Erik Peter Reaser and Astrid Daisy Morrison in holy matrimony...”

I can’t do this. I can’t fucking do this.

“I can’t. I just can’t. I’m so sorry.”

My heart belongs to Zack.

“Astrid!”

I ran as fast as you could with three-inch heels on.

“Astrid! Where are you going?” Erik called out.

“My heart already belongs to someone else.”

And I left without another single word. I grabbed my purse on the way out of the church, but I didn’t know what I was going to do next aside from heading home. When I got home, I tossed my heels, not caring where they landed and dashed up to what was Erik and I's bedroom. I removed my wedding gown and put something casual on before sitting on the bed.

"I have to get back to him, but how do I even attempt to do that?"

He's on social media, you idiot. Figure it out.

I swept through his social media accounts and found out he was still in Hawaii.

Should I even go back? He could be with someone else.

Just go.

What if he isn't? I'm gonna have to send for my things.

What's important is him. Take what you need and go. If he moved on, you can take a little vacay and come back here.

But, I broke Erik's heart.

Follow your heart. He will move on and things will get easier.

Okay. I'm gonna do it. I'm heading to Hawaii.

I found a flight which would be one around midnight and booked it before I packed what I absolutely needed and was out of the door in a matter of minutes. The influx of texts and calls I had been ignoring were irritating me, but I had to answer just one.

“Astrid! What in the world are you doing?! You left Erik at the altar.” my mom yelled.

No hi, hey or hello. That’s great, but that’s also to be expected.

“Heading to Hawaii. I’m probably not coming back. If I don’t, sell my car.”

“What’s in- oh!”

“Yeah, Mom. Zack is there. I’m still in love with him and I think it’s worth trying to get him back.”

“Ok. I understand. I’ve forgotten how cute you two were together. Good luck, sweetie. Go get him. I love you!”

“I love you, too.”

I hung up and sighed. The drive to the airport was a relatively short one, but I knew the flight would be the complete opposite; at least that’s going to give me time to figure what I’m going to say to him. Getting on that plane, I was exhausted and on the verge of sleep.

Roughly a month after our disastrous dinner, Lorelai was still there and wouldn’t let us be. Sure, we put out a restraining order on her a couple of weeks ago, but that hasn’t stopped her; it was driving me crazy and I was debating on leaving here altogether. I sat on the couch and waited for Zack to come home, so we could talk. When he came home ten minutes later, I was worried about how this conversation was going to go.

“Astrid? You wanted to talk?”

I gulped.

“Yeah.”

He walked over and sat next to me.

“There’s something I really need to talk to you about.”

“What is it?”

“I wanna leave Hawaii.”

“Why?”

“I think you know why. Lorelai won’t leave us alone and has been making us miserable. She’s not gonna stop!”

“Astrid, we’ve built a life here. I’m not gonna leave just because of her.”

“I understand that we’ve built a life here, but I’d rather be happy and away from her.”

“Where do you suppose we go? Hmm? Back to Baltimore? There’s a reason I moved here. It’s beautiful and I’m able to surf. Not to mention, I help clean up beaches and that brings me a sense of purpose and fulfillment.”

“I’m not enough? And it’s not like you don’t have a sense of purpose and fulfillment anyway. What does All Time Low do?”

He was speechless.

“If I can’t get a word out of you, I’m just gonna leave.”

“Astrid...”

“Unless you say you’re gonna come with me, I’m done and not coming back.”

He didn’t say a single thing, nor did he move. My heart starting to break as I packed my belongings, but when I was about to leave, I regrettably looked back at Zack.

“Please don’t do this.” he pleaded.

And with a tear running down my face, I walked out the door and my heart broke. I just left the man who I had known since I was four; twenty years down the fucking drain.

“What did I just do?” I asked, sobbing in my car at the airport.

Moving on. That’s what. He said he loved you, but wasn’t even willing to leave for you. You don’t need him.

That was true, but it didn’t mean that I wasn’t heartbroken and in several amounts of pain.

When the plane landed, I was rested and eager to get off the plane, through the airport and to find Zack.

“Do you need any help?” a guy asked as I rolled my two suitcases.

My purse was on my left shoulder as well.

“I’m okay, but thanks.”

I needed to get out of here as soon as possible. Once I got into my taxi, I told the driver to go to where I lived with Zack; hopefully, he still lived here. When I arrived, I slowly got out of the car; I was anxious and my stomach twisted into knots. After I got my belongings out of the trunk, I tapped the car and he left. I looked around the corner to the driveway and saw his car in the driveway. I faintly smiled and went to knock on the door, however when I finally knocked on the door, I was ready to puke. I knocked again after ten seconds. Again, no answer.

Is he intentionally ignoring me or-

“Astrid? Is that you?”

I knew that voice; I turned to my right and saw our-my former neighbor.

“Terry?”

I walked over and hugged him.

“Longtime, no see. How are you?”

That’s a loaded question.

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“Yeah. A lot has gone since I left, let alone the past twenty-four hours.”

“You know I don’t know why he didn’t go after you.”

“He told you about it?”

“Yeah. I’m so upset with him about that. I saw how much you two loved one another and you two were so happy, up until that crazy bitch, of course.”

I made a face.

“How’s he been?”

“Miserable. You broke his heart.”

“He broke my heart when he wouldn’t fight for me.”

“After all this time, why are you back?”

“That’s a long story.”

“I have time.”

“Two years after I moved back home to Baltimore, I met a guy named Erik and he was everything I could’ve ever wanted. We were together for three years when he proposed. We were supposed to get married yesterday. I was having doubts just a few minutes before I walked down the aisle. After the priest began his speech, I told my fiancé I couldn’t go through with it and where my heart was before I left...”

When I finished my speech, he was speechless.

“Wow. You really do still love him.”

“I want him back so badly. Has he moved on to someone new?”

“I can’t answer that for you. You’re gonna have to speak to him about it.”

“But, where is he? His jeep is here, but he won’t answer the door.”

“That’s because he went for a walk... about twenty minutes ago.”

“Did he say where he was headed or was it just a walk?”

“I suppose he went to where he usually goes on a Sunday morning.”

It took me only a matter of seconds to figure that out.

“Mind if I leave my things with you?”

“Not at all. Go ahead and talk to him.”

I nodded and off I went. Instead of walking, I ran to where I hoped he still would go to relax. I found him gazing at the ocean as he sat on the edge of a cliff; I was less fifty feet from him, but I couldn’t move any further.

Astrid, just do it. Everything’ll be okay.

I went another twenty feet before stopping again.

“Zack?” I asked breathlessly.

When he turned his head, he looked like he was in disbelief that I was really here.

“Astrid? What are you doing here?" he said, standing up.

I walked more and he met me halfway. I wanted to kiss him something terrible; I clearly didn't feel the same way about Erik at the altar yesterday.

"You want the short story or the long story?"

"I'll take either."

Fuck.

"Well, I met somebody two years after I moved back home. We were supposed to get married yesterday, but I had doubts from a few minutes before I was to walk down the aisle. I couldn't continue on with the ceremony just seconds after the priest started to speak. I told my fiance I couldn't do it. When he called out to me, asking me about where I was going as I was dashing down the aisle, all I said was that my heart belonged to someone else."

"And you're here now, just a day later."

"Actually, less than a day, but yeah." I said, brushing hair out of my face.

The way he was looking at me was the way Erik looked at me yesterday; the smile on my face was ever apparent. He gently caressed my left cheek before going in for a long and way overdue kiss that was electrifying. I continued on with the kiss, not wanting to let him go. After five wonderful seconds, we parted and I saw that amazing smile of his.

"I missed you and I was an idiot." he said.

"I missed you and so was I."

"You weren't the idiot. Trust me. I should've went with you."

My heart melted.

"How about we talk over lunch?"

"I like the sound of that."

We made a short trek to our favorite place for lunch as we walked hand-in-hand together; it felt so natural like no time had passed, like it was just yesterday we were holding hands.

“I have to ask. Do you know what happened to Lorelai?” I dared to ask.

Her name made me nauseous.

“After she heard we were broken up, she found me at the beach and went over and kissed me, saying that she finally won. Obviously, I pushed her off me and I took this as the last straw and had her arrested for violating her restraining order. Haven’t seen or heard from her since.”

I got teary. We finally won.

“Why are you crying?”

“We won. That bitch is gone.”

I wiped my tears.

“Yeah. We won." he said, laughing.

"Don't laugh." I said, trying not to laugh.

"Sorry."

Smiling, I shook my head.

"That's okay. Can I ask you something else?”

“Of course.”

“Has there been anyone else? You know, since I left?”

“Three, but no one has ever lived up to you. Those relationships never lasted all that long either.”

”No one has ever lived up to you.”

I couldn’t help but blush and smile.

“No one?”

“Not a single one. I always hoped you’d come back... as idiotic as that may sound. I never stopped loving you.”

“That is so wonderful to hear.”

He smiled back.

“What do you wanna do after this?” he asked.

“Can we head back?”

“You mean home?"

"That's exactly what I mean."

Home. I cannot wait to go home.

Notes