I Have to Let You Down

Jack

I almost cried hearing my alarm go off this morning. There was no way I was going to make it to work. I was too hung over to think about working a full morning shift. I rarely ever called in, so I knew my boss would understand but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I needed the tips in order to pay my bills. I snoozed my alarm off and laid in bed trying to force myself out of bed.

“I gotta go potty.” Alexa told me and I sighed. I should have been happy that she actually told me she had to go, but I was so upset that I was really going to have to move. I was never drinking ever again. Maybe I could save myself some more time to sleep if I asked Alex to get her to the bathroom and get her some dry cereal so she could fall back asleep.

“Okay, Bunny. Do you think you can hold it until Daddy comes?” I asked, and she nodded. I smiled to myself, but groaned as the headache settled back in. I picked up my phone to call Alex, despite my brain begging me not to do it because of what happened last night.

“It’s five am.” He mumbled when he finally answered.

“Trust me, I know. Can you come take Alexa potty and get her some cereal, so I can get ten more minutes of sleep.” I begged, and he hung up. I scoffed ready to find the energy to get up and curse him out, but I heard his footsteps.

Alex came into my room, looking like a zombie, and picked up Alexa taking her to the bathroom. I quietly thanked him and closed my eyes. It seemed like as soon as I closed them my alarm was going off again. I didn’t have time to snooze again. I sat up and tried again to force myself out of bed. Any other day it was easier to do.

Alex brought Alexa back in with her cereal and helped her back into the bed. Then he handed me a bottle of water and I thanked him.

“Hungover?” He asked, and I nodded while taking a sip of the water. I was squinting trying to block out the light. He began to laugh, and I looked up and glared at him.

“What’s so goddamn funny?” I asked, ignoring the fact that Alexa was in here with us.

“You went drinking the night before work. What’d you think would happen?” He questioned, and I sighed. I couldn’t be mad at him, he was right. It was my fault I was struggling.

“I’m going to die.” I groaned.

“Just call in sick.”

“I want to, but I need the tips.”

“How much do you make a day in tips?”

“Two-fifty on a good day.” A lot of businessman came to my job for breakfast meetings and I’m pretty sure a lot of them were secretly in the closet and leaving me nice tips to get my attention.

“Alright I’ll give you that.” He said, and I glanced at him.

“What?”

“I’ll give you the money.” He clarified.

“What? why??” To say I was shocked was an understatement.

“Because you need a day off, especially today. We can all go something; once you sleep this off.” He shrugged.

“Okay and I meant I make three-hundred on a good day!” I joked, and he laughed. I was too exhausted to turn down his offer. I called my boss before it got too late and told her I had the stomach flu. They definitely couldn’t have me around food with that. She understood and told me not to comeback until I felt better. I could only miss three days in a roll before they needed a doctor’s note.

“She bought it.” I told Alex.

“Great now get some rest.” He told me and tried to walk out.

“No Daddy! BubbleGuppies!” Alexa told him and he turned back around. She pointed to the TV asking him to stay with her to watch TV. She was only going to be up for a few more minutes before going back to sleep for an hour or so. She was used to getting up this early with me so I could drop her off with my parents and then she would fall back asleep there.

“I’m going back to sleep, Alexa.” He told her, and she stuck her bottom lip out at him.

“Please!” She begged him and I knew it wasn’t possible for him to tell her no again.

“You can come lay down.” I told Alex. It was the least I could let him do since he was the reason I was able to take off.

“Cool, thanks!” He turned the light off and walked over to Alexa’s side. “Move over, Munchkin and move Corn too.” He told her, and she quickly moved back with her stuffed unicorn. Alexa climbed on to Alex’s stomach once he was down and he wrapped his arm around her. I watched as they both as the both crunched on her cereal and looked up at TV before I quickly drifted back off to sleep.

*****

I was so well rested when I woke up hours later that I could have kissed Alex. He literally saved me today. I looked over to see that it was eleven am. Alex and Alexa weren’t in bed with me anymore. I got up and went to go to the bathroom to do my morning routine. It felt great not having to rush and take my time. Now all I needed was something to eat.

I walked out of my room to the living room where I found Alex and Alexa sitting on the couch. Alex was playing a video game while Alexa was watching him.

“Dada!” Alexa exclaimed when she saw me, and I smiled.

“Hi Bunny.” I told her. I made eye contact with Alex but tried to walk off to get something to eat.

“Wow I can’t even get a ‘hello’ and to think I helped you out this morning from the kindness of my heart.” Alex teased, and I rolled my eyes at him.

“Hello Alexander.” I grumbled, and he chuckled as I went into the kitchen.

I walked over to the pantry to see if there was anything to eat. I grabbed my instant oatmeal and stumbled as I stepped back trying to get out of the pantry. I turned around to find Alexa standing right behind me with Corn. She was like my shadow the way she closely followed behind me sometimes.

“One day I’m gonna fall on you.” I told her, and she giggled.

I made my oatmeal in the microwave and went over the table to eat. Alexa followed and sat in the chair next to me. I was kind of happy that she wanted to be around me while Alex was here. Usually when he visited she would forget all about me.

“Daddy and me eated cereal.” She told me.

“Did you? Which kind?” I asked.

“Um the blue one.” She pointed to the box of Captain Crunch Berries and I smiled.

“That’s yellow, baby.” I told her.

“It’s whatever color she wants it to be.” Alex playfully scolded me as he walked in the kitchen. He was still in his pajamas and I wasn’t surprised. “Do you feel better?” He asked, and I nodded.

“So much better.”

“Good, I was debating calling the police on marshmallow since he supplied alcohol to a minor, but I figured I let it go this once.” He joked, and I scoffed.

“I bought my own alcohol cause they rarely ID there. And you bought alcohol for Cass and I like last Saturday.” I reminded him, and he laughed.

“Eh you’re almost twenty-one so it doesn’t matter.” He leaned over me and took a spoonful of my oatmeal. “Are you doing anything special for your birthday?” He asked with his mouthful.

“Umm I don’t think so. I might just go bar-hopping.” I shrugged. It was only a month away.

“That sounds boring.”

“I’m sorry, we can’t all be rock stars that spend their twenty first birthday in Vegas.” I said sarcastically.

“I barely remember that weekend.” He chuckled to himself and I rolled my eyes. I gave Alexa a spoonful of my oatmeal and pretended to feed Corn for her.

“What are we doing today?” I asked.

“Uhh I was thinking of going to the aquarium. Alexa should probably see some real fish instead of those ones on TV.” He said, and I laughed. She loved BubbleGuppies.

“That’s a great idea!” I told him.

I finished my breakfast and then we went to get dressed. The earlier we went, the less crowded it would be. I let Alex use my shower while I went to get Alexa ready. She was learning to dress herself, but I still had to pick out her outfit. I grabbed her pink unicorn shirt and her black leggings that had a pink polka dot tutu. I handed her each item of clothing and helped her change as much as I could with protest from her that she could do it alone.

“Alexa, your shoes aren’t even on the right feet.” I sighed and tried to switch them around for her.

“Noooo I can do it.” She whined and swatted at my hands. She wouldn’t let me switch them for her so I waited for her to struggle to do it herself. She finally placed them on right and I bent over to tie them. Once I finished, I grabbed her hair brush, so I could brush her light brown hair that resembled Alex’s natural hair color.

“Where are we going?” She asked me.

“To the aquarium.” I told her.

“What’s that?”

“It’s where sea creatures live. So we’ll see fishes, and octopus, and sea-horsies.” I explained and she began bouncing up and down excitedly.

“I want to go now!” She said happily.

“Okay, well you have to be still, so I can finish your hair first.” I bargained, and she quickly stopped moving. I chuckled and brushed her hair up into a bun. I placed her pink bow on and let her run wild. I just needed to do something with my boring hair. I took Alexa to the living room to watch TV and then I went to my room. I opened my bathroom door completely forgetting Alex was in there. His pale butt flashed before me as he was drying off and I shut my eyes.

“Oh I’m so sorry! I forgot you were in here.” I told him, and he chuckled.

“It’s cool and you can open your eyes.” He said. I opened my eyes to see that he had not covered up yet.

“Why are you still naked? Why tell me I can look?” I questioned as I covered my eyes again.

“It’s not like you haven’t seen all of my body before... or last night.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” I asked uncovering my eyes and turning red. I had a feeling I already knowing where he was going with this.

“Well you said you were thinking of me last night during sex. I just assumed you weren’t putting my face on that marshmallow’s body.” He shrugged.

“I should have went to work this morning.” I mumbled to myself and he laughed.

“Oh come on, that’s not a bad thing. Sometimes I think about you when I masturbate in my bunk. Does that make you feel better?”

“No Alex, It doesn’t. And can you cover up with your towel!” I scolded him. I couldn’t even react to what he just told me. I was so embarrassed, I was slightly shaking. He chuckled as he wrapped up with his towel and went to the mirror to mess with his hair.

“I don’t know why you’re so embarrassed, we used to date and fuck all the time so it’s only natural that we’d still be attracted to each other.” He said bluntly.

“Alex for the love of Christ can we please talk about anything else or..or how about we don’t talk at all?” I whined.

“Does talking about sex with me really make you that uncomfortable?” He asked.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because I-“ I stopped myself to think. Why was talking about sex with Alex so uncomfortable? Maybe because we aren’t together anymore right? He’s my ex so it’s not something easy to talk about with him. “...Because we aren’t together any more, Alex.” I went with my first thought.

“That’s such a bullshit answer.”

“Oh and what exactly do you think it is?”

“I think you’re still attracted to me and talking about sex with me makes you feel things you haven’t felt in a long time.” He was probably sort of right, but I was stubborn and hated to admit when I was wrong.

“Okay look, if you want to keep staying here then you can’t keep...bringing up our past sex life or our relationship in general. Our relationship now is barely platonic. So you can talk about our friendship or our co-parenting relationship but that is all. Is that clear?”

“Crystal.” He mumbled and went back to finishing his hair. I decided to just throw on a beanie to avoid having to stay in there with him any longer.

I walked out of my bathroom and went to the living room with Alexa. She was still sitting in the spot I left her, watching TV and coloring. I sat next to her and finally took a deep breath. I hoped that whole ordeal wouldn’t make our trip awkward for Alexa’s sake.

We waited twenty more minutes for Alex and then he finally walked out. He came into the living room and grabbed his wallet and cell phone.

“Ready?” He asked.

“Yep.” I grabbed my phone and keys and got up with Alexa. I handed Alex my keys, so he could drive us there. It was a twenty-minute drive from my apartment and I didn’t feel like driving for that long. He chuckled and followed us out of the door. I guess things weren’t uncomfortable.

Because of the lunchtime rush hour, it took us thirty-five minutes to get to the aquarium. I was happy to stretch my legs as we walked to the building. Alex held the door for Alexa and me to walk in first. I hadn’t been to the aquarium here since I was a child so much had changed. Alexa and I looked around in awe at the paintings and cool sculptures in the front while Alex got our tickets.

“Alright we’re good to go.” Alex said waving the tickets at us. We followed him to the entrance and he handed the employee our tickets to get us in. I chuckled to myself looking down the dark hallway knowing Alexa wouldn’t like this.

“Daddy I scared.” Alexa said, pulling at Alex’s pants leg.

“Scared of what, ‘Lexa?” He asked.

“It’s dark.” She mumbled, and I laughed. Alex gave me a playful scolding look as he reached down to pick her up. The aquarium was dark to illuminate the tanks the animals were in.

“Alright let’s go.” He chuckled, and we walked down the hallway.

We made a left turn and was able to see all of the small creatures in separate tanks. There were mostly different breeds of fish. I looked at the clown fish and instantly thought of finding Nemo.

“It’s Nemo!” Alexa exclaimed thinking of the same thing. “And there’s a Nemo! And another one!”

“Yeah they’re all Nemo fish.” Alex joked, and I hit his stomach.

“Those are clownfish, Babe.” I told her.

“They no look like clowns.” She said, confused and I chucked.

“That’s just the name of them.” I told her.

We continued looking at more sea creatures. Alex had to continue holding Alexa through each room. It was only a thirty-minute walkthrough, so he didn’t mind. We looked at the octopus and squids last before reaching a sign that said the 360 tank was coming up next. Alex and I both looked confused at the sign. We had never heard of that tank, I didn’t know what it was.

We walked around the corner to be caught off guard by a giant cylinder that we had to walkthrough to get to the exit. The entire thing was made out of glass and surrounded by water. There were hundreds of sea creatures swimming around it including three sharks. I froze in my tracks not able to take one step on the glass.

“This is bad ass!” Alex exclaimed immediately walking into the tank and taking a look around. Even Alexa seemed to like looking at everything around them. Alex noticed that I wasn’t by his side anymore and looked back at me. “What're you doing?” He asked.

“I can’t walk across that thing and get my daughter off of it!” I demanded, and he laughed.

“It’s not like it’ll break! The sign said it’s like quadrupled reinforced glass so like a bullet can’t even break it. And we definitely can’t, see look.” He bounced up and down on the glass and my heart began racing.

“Alex please stop!” I begged, and he realized I was really scared.

“Jack it’s like a ten second walk across. We can even speed walk if you want.” He walked over and placed his hand out for me.

“It’s fun Dada.” Alexa told me, and I sighed.

“What about the sharks?” I asked looking around the corner at them. They were swimming around minding their own business, but I felt like the second I stepped on they would start attacking the glass.

“I don’t think they can see us. It’s most likely a mirror on the other side. And those are like baby sharks.” He said, trying to help get rid of my anxiety. The sharks, even as babies, were bigger than ever other creature in the water.

I sighed and looked into the tank again and then back down at Alex’s hand. I was going to suggest I just walk all the way through back to the front and exit that way, but I knew Alex would drag me across before letting me do that. I took a deep breath and grabbed his hand. Then I took a shaky step on the glass. It did feel super sturdy, so I could sort of relax. I looked around as we walked across trying to enjoy the view instead of crying over the shark that was right over my head. Like Alex said, ten seconds later we were out of there and in the gift shop. I finally let myself relax and Alex let go of my hand to sit Alexa down to go pick something out. I watched as she moved around that store looking at everything they had to offer.

“You okay now?” Alex asked and I tried to hide the smile creeping up on my face.

“Yes, thank you.” I told him and he nodded.

“For a second I thought I was going to have to carry you too.” He joked and I playfully rolled my eyes.

“Shut up.”

“Daddy can I have this?” Alexa asked, holding up a light blue stuffed narwhal. I guess she thought it was related to a unicorn because of its horn.

“You don’t even know what kind of animal that is.” Alex told her.

“Ummmm ummmm it’s a sea unicorn!” She told him, sounding so sure she was right.

“It’s a narwhal but you can call it a sea unicorn.” I told her and she smiled.

She handed it to Alex knowing he was going to get it for her. We walked around the large store to see what else they had. There were many color items designed to capture the attention of small children like Alexa. We walked to another section of the store that was nothing but candy. Alex sighed knowing what was coming. Alexa was going to want every piece in the store.

“Can I get this?” Alexa asked holding up a bag of candy and I looked to Alex. He was the one who paid her dentist bill.

“I don’t know, HoneyBunches. Candy is only for good girls. Have you been good lately? I had to ask you twice to pick up your toys this morning.” He said and her eyes went wide with sadness.

“I a good girl! I promise!” She told him.

“You better be glad I can’t say no to those eyes. But this is the only candy you’re getting.” He said and held the candy for her. Alexa had my eyes large brown eyes that always came in handy when you needed Alex to give in. “You can get something too since you conquered you fear.” He teased me. I was going to ignore him but I saw a bag of candy blue sharks that I loved.

“I want this.” I said and handed him the bag.

“Ironic.” He mumbled, and I flipped him off while Alexa wasn’t looking. I hated real sharks, not candy ones. I grabbed Alexa a cute shirt that had the name of the aquarium and a picture of the cute sea creatures we saw. Alex picked up a hat for himself and we went to check out.

“I want a fish.” Alexa said as walked out to the car.

“Would you take care of it?” Alex asked her.

“Yes!!”

“We can stop at PetSmart and get her one.” I told him, and he nodded. He drove to us to a nearby shopping center that had a PetSmart. I knew I would be the one caring for this fish majority of the time, but they usually have short lives and it was better than cleaning up after a dog or cat.

Once we were in the store we went to the sea life aisle. Alex picked Alexa up so she could see the different fish in the tanks. She had to look into each one to see which one she liked best.

“I want this one.” She pointed to a blue and red Betta fish.

“Okay, I’ll get you that one.” Alex told her and pressed the help button. We grabbed a tank, food, and water drops for the fish while we waited for someone to come around and get the fish for us.

A few minutes later a guy came around to help. He looked shocked as he got closure to us.

“Oh my- Are you Alex from All Time Low?” He asked Alex quietly, still in shock. I was surprised at how nervous he was to speak to Alex. He wasn’t anything special...well to me I guess.

“Yeah! Are you a fan?” Alex asked him.

“Hell Yes! My girlfriend and I love your music. She’s not going to believe I met you.” He laughed. “Do you mind if I get a picture?” He asked.

“Of course not.” Alex said and sat Alexa down. “Jack can you take the picture for us?” He asked, and I nodded. The guy handed me his camera and he stood next to Alex. I took a few pictures for them and handed him back his phone.

“Thanks so much and sorry for freaking out.”

“No it’s cool, I’m always happy to meet a fan.” Alex told him.

“Sweet! So um what can I help you with?” He politely asked.

“We want to take that Betta fish.” Alex pointed out the one Alexa told us she wanted.

The guy grabbed a bag and the net to get the fish out with. We all watched as he scooped the fish up and put him in the bag. He handed it to Alex and Alex handed it to Alexa.

“Anything else I can do for you?” He asked us.

“Nope that’s all. We can check out.” Alex told him. We walked to the front and Alex bought all the items we picked up. He signed a sheet of paper for the guy’s girlfriend and then we left the store. Alex put Alexa back in her car seat and we got back in my car, so he could take us home.

“He was so scared to speak to you.” I said and Alex chuckled.

“Yeah it happens.” He shrugged as if it was a normal occurrence. “Alexa, what’s the name of your fish, Babe?” He asked her.

“Um I want to name her Molly.” She said and yawned.

“Molly? Where’d that come from?” He asked.

“BubbleGuppies.” Alexa and I answered at the same time.

“But it’s a boy fish.”

“How do you know?” I asked.

“It was on the tank. It said guys have bigger colorful tails.”

“Oh, well he can be a boy named Molly then.” I chucked.

By the time we made it back to my place, Alexa was asleep. Alex carried her from the car to my bed and laid her down. Then he took her fish and placed him in the tank along with water, water purify drops, and some food. We both watched as Molly quickly at all the food Alex fed him. He even ate the small pieces that fell on his colorful rocks.

“He looks sad, do you think we should of gotten him a friend?” I asked Alex and he chuckled.

“No, I think Betta fish are the ones that have to be in tanks alone cause they’ll attack other fish.”

“That’s not true, right Molly? You’re a good fish.” I said through the tank and he continued to swim around.

“That fish would kill someone if given the chance.” Alex joked, and I laughed. “I’m gonna go smoke, wanna come keep me company?” He asked, and I tried to hide my smile. He would ask me to join him outside when we were together just to spend more time with me.

“Sure.” I followed him out to the balcony.

Alex and I sat down in the chairs Cass and I had outside. We both sat in silence while Alex pulled out his lighter and cigarette and lit it. He took a deep breath and exhaled the smoke. My phone vibrated and I looked down to see I had a text from Nano.

Nano T.

Hey! I just won a gift card to The Keg Steakhouse at work. How about we go out Saturday to spend it?

Read 2:03pm

Dinner sound great, I was about to text Nano back to say yes but Alex began talking and it stopped me.

“Do you have any plans for this weekend? Rian is having a small party at his cousin’s house and I was gonna go. You can too if you want.” He told me. I think that was his nonchalant way of asking me to go with him.

“Umm what day is it?” I asked, dreading the answer.

“Saturday.” He answered, and I bit my lip. “It’s okay if you already have plans. I just thought I’d be nice and ask.” He shrugged.

“No, I don’t have any plans. That actually sounds like a lot fun.” I said. Spending time with Nano sounded nice, but the thought of Alex going to that party, getting drunk, and hitting on other people was driving me mad. I looked down at my phone to type a response out to Nano.

Jack B.

Hey, as much as I would love too I have to work overtime on Saturday. Maybe we can go out another day?

Delivered 2:06pm

Notes