Failure’s not flattering
When I woke up I was alone in bed and I rolled over to Alex’s side of the bed and saw that he had left a note on his pillow.
‘Didn’t have the heart to wake you so I wrote you this to say that I’m at school and just give me a text when you’re awake. A x’
I couldn’t help but smile and sent Alex a text to say I was awake and that I like the note he left on his pillow and I rolled out of bed and went downstairs to see Danny watching some crap on tv.
“Why the fuck are you watching greys anatomy?” I asked as I sat on the sofa next to him and Danny looked at me.
“Don’t hate Greys anatomy.” Danny said and I chuckled.
“I’m not hating it, just confused why you enjoy watching this when you do what they do for a living.” I said and Danny just shrugged his shoulders.
“Just reminds me on what I have to do after my day off.” Danny said and I stayed quiet as Danny was really focused on this tv show you could see him doing hand movements whenever they was in surgery like he was coping what they was doing so I just left him too it and went to the kitchen and saw it was a tip after the mor img rush of breakfast since nobody in this house understands time management and just leaves everything to the last minute so I decided to clean the kitchen for them.
I just finished doing Hallie’s washing when Danny came out and he frowned at me.
“Do you have any washing that needs doing?” I asked and he looked at me.
“We do But you don’t have to do our washing for us. We’re lazy but we’re not that lazy.” Danny said and I sighed.
“I have to keep busy as if I don’t keep busy then the memories will come back and I’m not strong enough to have the memories right now so I need to keep busy.” I said and Danny frown at me.
“Have you ever seen a doctor about the memories or about anything else?” Danny asked and I sighed as I looked at him.
“I never had the time. At the moment I don’t want anything to do with the doctors. I’m just grieving over mum, I’ll be fine soon.” I said as I put the kettle on for me and Danny to have a drink.
“Fancy going to yours after you’ve had something to eat and drink?” Danny asked and I nodded and made myself and Danny a drink but I wasn’t hungry so I didn’t have anything to eat.
“What are going to do with the house after you’ve sorted through it?” Danny asked as he carried a box down the stairs for me and I was staring at this door which lead to the basement.
“I can’t live in this house.” I said quietly as I heard Danny put the box down on the floor and I heard him walk over.
“So What you going to do?” Danny asked.
“Sell it or burn it to the ground.” I said and Danny looked at me and at the door.
“Why don’t you go down there?” Danny asked and I looked at him.
“He did those things to me down there. The room never got sorted once he was gone as I couldn’t cope and I was busy looking after mum.” I said really quietly as I looked back at the door.
I felt someone get hold of my hand and I looked down and saw that Danny had hold of my hand and I looked at him.
“Another time?” Danny asked and I looked back at the door and took a deep breath and let go of Danny’s hand and walked towards the door and opened it and I slowly started to make my way downstairs.
I pulled on the light string which turnt the light on and as soon as the light was on I could see everything and all the memories came back.
I walked over to the tatty mattress on the floor which had handcuffs round the beam which was supporting the house.
I looked at it and saw it still had the blood stains on it and I looked at my arms and put my hand over them.
“Jack, you don’t have to do this. Me and Alex will sort this out for you if it’s too much for you to cope with.” Danny said carefully and I looked at him.
“I can cope with it.” I whispered and Danny walked over and gently pulled my hand off my arm and he looked at my arm.
“No you can’t, you’ve hurt yourself and you didn’t even realize it. I’m not going to put you through this, me and Alex will come back and we’ll sort this room out for you.” Danny said and I looked at him.
“Why are you being nice to me?” I asked quietly.
“You are family now. Family needs to stick together and you are such a nice lad to have any of this happen to you.” Danny said and I looked down.
“Let’s Leave Yeah, Alex should be home by the time we get home.” Danny said and I smiled a little as I followed Danny out of the basement.
We left most of the stuff we had sorted back inside, it was just Hallie’s stuff and some sentimental stuff for me but other than that I had no reason now to set foot back in that house again and for me it felt like some weight had lighted from my shoulders.
I was lead on the bed lost in thought when I heard someone walk into the room and the crawled onto the bed and cuddled into my back and kissed my cheek.
“Where’s Hallie?” I sniffed not realizing that I’ve been crying and Alex rolled me over so i was facing him.
“Dad and Danny have taken her out for a meal as a treat, if that was okay with you?” Alex said and I nodded as I just looked at his chest.
“Danny said what happened today. Just know I’m very proud of you and if you want to talk to someone then I’m always here. Right beside you.” Alex said and I looked at him and smiled as Alex lent forward and kissed me softly which I returned.
“How was school?” I asked and Alex smiled as he rolled onto his back where I cuddled into his side.
“Same shit different day. Asher is after this girl he wants to get balls deep in.” Alex said as he got himself comfy around me.
“That boy is definitely a liability. He’s going to end up with the biggest slap soon.” Alex said and I chuckled slightly just enjoying being close to him.
“So my mates from England are coming to stay next week for 3 weeks, are you going to be okay with that?” Alex said as I cooked us something to eat while Alex was leaning against the side watching me.
“You don’t have to ask for my permission, you haven’t seen them since you left England. Don’t let me stop you.” I said and looked at Alex.
“Yeah I know but I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable in your own home especially after what happened.” Alex said and I frowned at him.
“What after my mum died and the fact I had to clean out the house where a awful lot of things happened to me and then going to the room where those things happened. Is that what your talking about?” I spat and Alex looked at me shocked.
“Yeah Jack.” Alex said softly and I sighed loudly as I looked down and away from Alex.
“Just because I’m completely and utterly broken doesn’t mean I’m going to stop you seeing your friends.” I said quietly.
“Don’t talk about yourself like that Jack. There’s nothing completely and utterly broken about. Yes you have been through a lot but that doesn’t mean your as broken as you think.” Alex said as he moved and put a hand on top of mine.
“I am Alex. Just don’t bother trying to understand.” I said quietly and moved my hand away from his and went to walk of but Alex caught hold of my hand.
“I will try and understand because we are in this relationship together. Jack I want to help you but I can’t if you are just going to build this wall around you and not let me in. I’m right beside you Jack and I’m not going to give up on us because you think you are this monster because of what they did to you.” Alex said and I felt myself begin to cry and I walked into Alex’s arms and held him close to me as I cried and Alex just returned my hug and tried to comfort me.
“I’m just going to have a shower.” I sniffed as I pulled away from Alex.
“Okay, just don’t do nothing stupid okay. I’m right here if you need me to come with you because you don’t trust yourself.” Alex said softly but you could also hear the seriousness in his voice.
“I’m going to Okay. Just keep an eye on the food.” I said quietly and Alex nodded and I went to turned around but Alex stopped me and he lent forward and kissed me which I returned.
“I’ll be right here if you need me, just shout.” Alex said and I nodded and went up to Alex’s room.
I don’t know how long I was in the shower for but all I knew was that I fucked up pretty bad considering the shower floor was red from where I have just self harmed.
“Jack you Okay in there?” I heard Alex say from the other side of the shower curtain.
“I..I..I fucked up Alex.” I said quietly and the shower got pulled back by which point I was on the floor crying again.
“Oh Jack.” Alex said sadly and I heard him take some item of clothing off and he got in the shower with me.
“I’m sorry, please don’t hurt me.” I sobbed as I turned my head towards the wall.
“Babe look at me.” Alex said softly and I shook my head.
“I’m sorry, please don’t hurt me.” I said quietly over and over again.
“Jack, I’m not going to hurt you okay. I need to look at what you have done to yourself. Will you let me do that?” Alex said softly but I just shook my head still saying what I was saying over and over again.
Alex got out of the shower and I heard him quickly walk out the room and he quickly came back to the bathroom again.
“I don’t know dad but he’s proper freaking out and he has self harmed and I don’t know what to do.” Alex said quickly to someone.
“Yeah he’s still awake. Please come home.” Alex said and I have no idea what the other person said but Alex just hung up and got back in the shower with me and sat on the floor as I stayed saying the same words and stayed as small as I could in the corner.
The next thing I knew was someone else was in the room and I was being moved from the shower.
“Don’t take me there, please don’t take me down there.” I said as I began to panic in the persons arms.
“Jack I’m just going to put some pants on you.” I heard Alex say as he sat me on the bed and I looked around me but I was still trapped in whatever the fuck was going on in my head.
I moved back on the bed until my back hit the head board of the bed.
“He’s not going to let us get anywhere near him.” Alex said as another person showed up in the room.
“He needs his wounds looking at and he can’t going around bollock naked Alex.” The person said and Alex sighed loudly as he carefully walked over and sat on the bed next to me which made me looked at him.
“Jack, I know your frightened at the moment and you think that me and dad are going to hurt you but we’re not, we are going to help you put your pants on and then look at what you have done to yourself.” Alex said softly and I looked at the other person and Alex moved on the bed and made me look at him.
“Focus on me. Don’t look at dad just look at me.” Alex said and I nodded.
“ I need you to put your pants on.” Alex said softly and offered me some pants which I looked at for a second and took them from him and quickly put them on which made Alex smile at me.
“You’ve hurt yourself so I’ve got Peter here to look at what you’ve done to yourself. Is Peter allowed to come over and look at your injuries?” Alex said and I nodded which made Alex smile as he looked at the other person in the room.
“I’m going to stay right beside you okay. I’m right by your side.” Alex said quietly as he moved so he was next to me and I watched the person look at my injuries and put bandages on them.
I was lead on the bed with my back facing the door and I had just gone mute on everyone, even Hallie.
“Babe.” I heard Alex say as he climbed into bed.
“Baby roll over and look at me please.” Alex said and I closed my eyes and sighed loudly and I rolled over to look at Alex.
“You scared me so much Jack.” Alex said and I saw a couple of tears roll down his cheek which made me reach out and wipe them away.
“Don’t fucking do that to me again okay.” Alex said and he pulled me into a hug which I returned and Alex held me tightly which I made me hide my face into his neck and mess with the hair at the bottom of his head.
“I’m sorry.” I whispered and Alex pulled back and looked at me.
“Please get help for this Jack. Please I don’t beg people but I’m begging you to get help.” Alex sniffed and I looked down.
“Don’t ever go back to that house again Jack. Promise me you won’t go back to that house again.” Alex said and I smiled and I linked my little finger with Alex’s which made me looked at Alex.
“I promise I won’t go back there.” I whispered and Alex lent forward and he kissed me hard which I returned as Alex rolled me onto my back as we started to make out.
I pulled back and looked at Alex.
“I’m not ready.” I said quietly as I looked away with my cheeks going red.
“It’s okay, I can wait for you. I’ll always wait for you.” Alex said and he kissed me again which I returned and Alex rolled off me and lead next to me and I shuffled closer to him and he put a film on for us both to fall asleep to.
“I’m sorry for everything.” I whispered and Alex squeezed my arm gently.