Failure’s not flattering
Trigger warning- self harm
I watched as they took mums body away after someone pronounced her dead which it didn’t take much of a genius to work out that she was dead, even Hallie worked that out but it was something to do with someone having being trained to be completely sure mum was dead.
After they took mum away I went straight up to my room and hid myself away from Alex and Hallie and I just stared at my wall for a really long time.
Someone knocked on my door and I heard them walk over and climbed onto the bed which made me roll over to see it was Alex.
“You need to have a complete break away from this house Jack.” Alex said softly and I shook my head feeling the tears form in my eyes.
“I can’t leave.” I whispered.
“I understand Jack, but you need time to get your head around this.” Alex said carefully.
“I’m fucking fine Alex! Just fuck off and leave me alone.” I spat and rolled over so my back was too Alex.
I heard Alex sigh loudly and then I felt him move from the bed and walking out of my room. I sighed loudly and just hoped this was a bad dream.
I don’t know how long it was when someone came into my room.
“Fuck off Alex I’m not in the mood.” I snapped.
“Would always help if I was Alex.” Someone said and they sat on my bed and I rolled over to see it was Alex’s dad.
“I don’t want to hear it.” I said quietly.
“You might not want to hear it but I like talking so you either listen or you just zone out.” Alex’s Dad said and I sighed loudly.
“Alex lost his mum and he went down the road you are going down. I was blind and stupid and Alex nearly died. I know it feels like Alex is probably suffocating you but he doesn’t want you to go down the same path as he did.” Alex’s Dad said.
“It’s too late for that to be honest.” I said quietly and Alex’s dad looked at me.
“I know you don’t want to talk about that’s fine. But Alex asked me and Danny if you and Hallie can stay with us until you feel better.” Alex’s Dad said and I looked at him.
“We possibly can’t do that.” I said quietly.
“Yeah you can. Because none of us wants you and Hallie to be in this house. Also the house is big enough for you two to join us.” Alex’s Dad said and I looked down.
“Just think about it, we’re downstairs looking after Hallie for you.” Alex’s Dad said and I smiled at him.
“Thank you.” I said quietly.
“Want me to send Alex up?” Alex’s Dad asked softly and I nodded.
“Okay, hang in there okay. It’ll get better in time.” Alex’s Dad said quietly and he got up and walked out the room.
I was zoned out when I felt my bed dip and I looked and saw Alex.
“So, am I going to get told to fuck off now?” Alex asked and I moved and cuddled into his chest and I felt myself cry.
I felt Alex’s arms round me.
“You going to come back with me and Dad?” Alex asked softly and I looked at him and nodded which made Alex smile as he lent forward and kissed my forehead.
“Do you want to start sorting some clothes out then?” Alex asked and I nodded as I sat up and looked round and looked at Alex who was staring at me since I didn’t have a top on.
“Can you not look at me, I’m hideous.” I said quietly and Alex sat up and he kissed a very noticeable scar which I hated.
“You are not hideous, you are beautiful.” Alex said softly and he looked at me and I looked down and got off the bed and sorted some stuff out I wanted to take me.
I somehow found a picture of when I was little and everything seemed normal.
I got up and walked out the room and I walked to the kitchen and threw the picture in the bin and just looked at it.
“Jack, is everything okay?” Danny asked as he walked into the kitchen.
“Yes. Everything is okay. Can you ask Hallie to sort so,e clothes and teddies out please.” I said and Danny smiled and he nodded and walked out the room.
I looked at the picture once more and closed the bin lid and turned round and suddenly felt really dirty and I walked off and went to my room and grabbed a towel and Alex looked at me.
“I need a shower.” I said and Alex smiled and nodded at me.
“Don’t have to tell me.” Alex said and I smiled at him and I walked to the bathroom and I purposely left the door unlocked because I knew something would happen and I had to make sure that someone could get in and help me as soon as they notice I’ve been gone for too long.
I started the shower and I looked round the bathroom in my hiding spots for blade and I found one which had a blade in and I walked over to the toilet and put the lid down and sat on it and looked at my hands and arms, my hands weren’t as bad as my arms but you could still see faint cigarette burn marks.
I decided arms was a no go and so I looked on my legs which was just a bad as my arms but not quite so I looked for a patch and I just ran the blade over my skin until I felt happy with what I had done to myself and then I got in the shower.
I walked back to my room feeling lightheaded as the cut I did to myself wasn’t exactly the smallest cut I’ve done.
I walked into my room and Alex stood up and looked at me.
“Jack. Is everything okay?” Alex asked softly and I looked Alex and smiled at me.
“Your really pale Jack, come and sit down before you pass out.” Alex said and he gently got hold of my hand and he walked me over to my bed and sat me down and I saw Alex looking down and then he looked at me sadly.
“Let me look at your leg.” Alex said softly and I shook my head.
“I’m fine.” I said as I stood up and walked over to get some pants where I quickly put them on and then I looked for a hoodie which I put on and I felt Alex’s hand gently get hold of mine and I looked at him.
“Your leg is bleeding and it needs medical attention.” Alex said quietly as he walked round in front of me and he knelt down and looked at the cut.
“Can’t get medical attention when my whole lot of savings just on mum and make sure everything was going to be okay with her. I have nothing Alex, I have no money to even do the basic for me and Hallie, I couldn’t work because I had Mum and Hallie to look after. You shouldn’t be mixing with people like me Alex, I’m toxic and bad news.” I said and Alex stood up and put both his hands on my cheeks and made me look at him.
“We’ll put you on our health insurance. You can get the medical treatment you need. I don’t believe there is even a bad bone in that body of yours. Despite everything that has happened to you, you had the right to be toxic but you aren’t toxic. You are just scared about what is going to happen.” Alex said softly and I shook my head and looked down but Alex made me look at him.
“You’ve got this okay. Just let us help you now because you deserve to be helped.” Alex said softly and he lent forward and kissed me which I returned.
“Boys you ready?” Alex’s Dad said as he walked in the room and me and Alex pulled back quickly and I looked down.
“Jack needs to go to the hospital but we need to put him on our medical insurance.” Alex said as I walked round him limping to put some trousers on.
“Let me look at you.” Alex’s Dad said and I looked at him.
“Don’t fuss its fine, it’s only a small cut. It doesn’t even hurt.” I said being stubborn about it.
“When we get back to mine, will you let dad look at your leg. It needs looking at Jack. Might as well use a surgeon while you’ve got one.” Alex said and I sighed loudly and I turned round and Alex’s dad looked at my legs since they was covered in scars.
“Shit Jack, are all these self harm?” Alex’s Dad asked as Alex left us so he could help Danny with Hallie.
“Yes.” I said quietly and looked away as Alex’s dad cleaned my leg up with a damp flannel which hurt a lot.
“Why would you do that too yourself? I’m not one to judge or give you a life lesson because one Alex has self harmed and two I’m not your dad. I have no right to give you life lessons because that isn’t my place.” Alex’s Dad said and I looked at him.
“My dad is in prison for abusing me and my older sister but I got the worse of it. My brother was in prison for being the other person in it.” I said quietly as I looked down and messed with my hands and Alex’s dad put a hand on top of mine which made me look at him and he smiled a sad smile at me.
“I know you don’t want to talk about it, but me, Danny or Alex will always listen to what you have to talk about. Never go running to blade because you are not worth that, you are never worth hurting yourself because of those horrible men. You are safe now and we’ll always be here to keep you safe.” Alex’s Dad said and I felt a tear roll down my cheek and I looked down.
Alex’s dad sorted my leg out for me and we went downstairs and then we went to Alex’s house.
“Jacky, do they live in a castle?” Hallie asked and I looked a her with a smile and tucked some hair behind her ears.
“Nope, I just live in a really big house.” Alex said and Hallie looked at Alex with a smile which Alex returned.
“But he really lives in a castle.” I whispered in Hallie ear and Hallie looked at me and smiled which I return.
We got to Alex’s house and Hallie just looked out the window and once the car stopped Hallie was straight out the car and was looking at the house and I got out the car and stood next to her.
“This our new home?” Hallie asked as she looked at me.
“Yeah, we’re going to live here for awhile.” I said and Hallie looked at me and smiled.
“I like this house better than our old one.” Hallie said and I smiled.
“So do I.” I said quietly as someone stood next to me and I looked and saw Alex with my duffle bag and Hallie’s bright pink princess bag.
“That princess bag suits you.” I said and Alex smiled.
“I’m gay, everything suits me.” Alex said and I chuckled.
“Why don’t you go inside and Danny and Peter will get you something to drink.” Alex said and Hallie went running in.
I looked at Alex who looked at me and smiled.
“Come on.” Alex said and he walked off and I followed him inside.
Hallie was running around happily and I smiled at her on how happy she was at the moment.
“Want me to show you Hallie’s room?” Alex asked and I jumped and I looked at him and nodded as I followed Alex upstairs.
We got to the room and Alex walked in and I followed and looked around the room.
“Alex this room is gorgeous.” I said as I walked over to the bed and sat on the bed and looked at Alex.
“As much as this room is really nice, Hallie will still want to get into bed with me.” I said and Alex chuckled as he walked over and sat next to me.
“Well she’ll be having to be fighting me for that one.” Alex said and I looked at him.
“That’s if you wouldn’t mind sharing my bed as the other rooms have t really been decorated since we got here as Dad and Danny have been busy with work.” Alex said and I smiled at him.
“I don’t mind, but Hallie wouldn’t give two shits, she will literally just fight her way into bed.” I said and Alex chuckled.
“I’ll just have to fight back then.” Alex said and I smiled.
“Want to take your stuff into my room?” Alex asked and I looked at him.
“I need some space, I’ll be outside if you want me.” I said and stood up and went outside.
I was sat by the pool lost in thought when someone sat next to me and I looked and saw it was Danny.
“We have food if you like to have something to eat.” Danny said and I shook my head as I looked in the water.
“I’m not hungry thanks, is Hallie okay?” I said and Danny smiled.
“She’s fine, she’s making everyone watch her Disney films, much to Alex hate.” Danny said and I chuckled.
“She’s a little cutie, can happily kidnap her.” Danny said and I looked at him.
“I’m living in your house, I’m sure Alex will know all the hiding places so don’t kidnap my sister.” I said and Danny chuckled.
“You coming to watch a film?” Danny asked.
“I just want some space at the moment.” I said and Danny nodded as he got up.
“Come back in when your ready.” Danny said and I smiled as I nodded and Danny went inside and I just thought about everything and I looked out to the pool and back at the house and sighed loudly and climbed into the pool and went under the water.
I felt myself being pulled out of the water and I started to cough and I threw up a lot off water and I was being rolled onto my side.
“What the fucking hell do you think you was playing at!” Alex said loudly as I looked at him and saw that he was breathing heavily.
“I went for a swim.” I said quietly.
“You nearly fucking drowned Jack!” Alex said as I stood up and walked inside but Alex caught up with me and he stood in front of me.
“What the hell is going on Jack.” Alex said.
“Nothing, I’m fine.” I said quietly.
“Jack you’re not fine, you self harms this morning and now you’ve tried drowning yourself. That isn’t you being fine.” Alex said and I looked at him.
“Hallie is better without me, I’m only going to fail her more than what I’m doing so already. She likes it here, so why should I keep on going.” I said and I started to cry and Alex caught hold of my hand and took me inside and we went up to his room.
Alex sat me on the chair which was in his room where he looked at me.
“Take you top off so you don’t catch a cold.” Alex said as he walked off to his wardrobe and I looked down and just took my top and I just put the wet top on my lap and looked back down again and I looked at my scars and I felt dirty and broken.
“Jack.” Alex said softly which made me jump and look at Alex.
“Let’s get you in the bath.” Alex said softly and I shook my head and Alex knelt down in front of me.
“I don’t care about your scars. I’ve seen your scars before and I just don’t care about them. What I do care about if you adding more scars on your body which I don’t want you to do.” Alex said softly.
“I have scars as well. I can show you if you want.” Alex said and I looked at him and Alex stood up and he took his top off and I looked and saw scars on his arms and one of his stomach.
“You don’t have to hide them in this house, it’s a safe place.” Alex said and I nodded slightly and Alex offered me his hand.
I took Alex’s hand and he gently pulled me up.
“Go and have a shower and warm yourself up. Then you can climb into bed and we can watch films and cuddle if you want.” Alex said and I nodded and Alex guided me to the bathroom.
“You can use my stuff.” Alex said and I nodded.
“I’ll leave the door open a little bit so you can shout me if you want.” Alex said and I smiled and Alex walked out the room leaving the door open a little bit and I went to have a shower.
I was cuddled in Alex’s side while Alex was asleep when his door.
“Jacky?” I heard Hallie whisper.
“Over here Hallie.” I said loud enough for Hallie to hear me but quiet enough that I didn’t wake Alex up.
Hallie walked over and she climbed onto the bed.
I wasn’t really going to move from Alex.
“Move Jacky.” Hallie whispered.
“Nope, I’m comfy here.” I said and Hallie pouted at me but Hallie then made herself comfy between me and Alex.
“Lex.” I said and accidentally hit Alex round the face which made him open one eye and look at me.
“What?” Alex said sleepily.
“Hallie is in bed with us. I thought you should know.” I whispered and Alex moved slightly so Hallie fell in the tiny gap between us and Alex went back to sleep again.