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Just Another Reason I Could Never Forget You

Nine.

The crowd had finally fully left and I was left to pack up alone. I sighed, sitting in my chair facing all the work I had to do and trying to take a breath before I started. I had so much to think about from tonight that I didn’t know where to start. Did I start with his admission of having wanted to marry me? The way he was so sad throughout it? Did that mean I would forgive him for everything? Of course it didn’t, but my love for Alex still caused an ache in my chest when I thought about it. I sniffled quietly, feeling my eyes beginning to sting with a fresh set of tears.
Who could deny these butterflies? They’re filling his gut.
I turned away from the main arena, standing up and beginning to pack away to hide my tears. He must have known, somewhere inside, that I felt those butterflies too. That we were perfect for each other before he did what he did. Alex was the only one I ever listened to when he called me out on my shit, and I was the same for him. We fit together perfectly, boosting each other when we needed it and knocking each other down a peg when we got a little too big for our boots.
If I’m honest, he had been my best friend at the end of the day. I’d trusted him with almost everything I had.
“Jasey?” I heard quietly behind me. My chest ached even more at the sound of his timid voice and I let a sob escape my mouth, unable to contain my pain any more. “Holly, are you-? What?” I turned to face Alex, allowing the tears to find their way down my face as I looked at him.
“I didn’t know, Alex. I’m so, so sorry,” I told him, placing my hand over my mouth as another sob escaped me. “I should have picked up to someone. You weren’t supposed to love me, it was supposed to be a lie.”
“Holly. Jesus fuck, would you sit down? Breathe.” I dropped into my chair, doing my best to control my tears. I felt irritated with myself for having ignored the band so thoroughly for the last couple of years. At least I would have been prepared for all of this and I wouldn’t be acting like such a child right now. Alex rubbed my back soothingly, shushing me as I started to calm down. I didn’t know why I was so upset by it all, considering everything I was beginning to realise, but I couldn’t help myself. Just because he hurt me didn’t mean I had to be ecstatic that I’d hurt him right back.
“I thought about picking up the album,” I told him slowly when I’d finally stopped sobbing. I was still crying, but I was calm enough that it wasn’t impacting my speech too much. “I wanted to see how you guys were doing. I kind of wish I did now, and maybe you wouldn’t be seeing me melt down like a child.”
“You didn’t know?” He asked softly. “I figured with the way John and everyone talked about the album you would have heard something before now.” I shook my head, leaning back so that Alex could no longer keep his hand on my back. He backed away quickly, though didn’t leave the booth. I supposed they all must have met before the tour, before John had known anything about Alex, but hearing him say his name so casually still threw me off balance. All they’d done in the last two days was talk shit about each other, and he was just acting like they’d had in depth discussions about music. About me.
“I mean, I knew about Dear Maria, but I actively avoided you guys. I’d turn stereos off if I heard your voice, no matter whose they were. The boys picked it up pretty quickly. I didn’t even know you guys were going to be here until I’d already agreed to work.”
“I’m sorry.” I shook my head quickly. I didn’t want to hear this. I didn’t want to have him beg for my forgiveness for the pain he’d caused. I wasn’t ready to grant him that, even after all this time. “Not about what happened. I mean, yes, I’m sorry about what I did, but I mean the album.” Alex let out a frustrated sigh, running his hands through his hair roughly. “I couldn’t talk to anyone about you. Nobody would even so much as say your name most days, thinking I’d go off the deep end or something. I don’t know. I just had to deal with it, you know? So I wrote, a lot in fact. Some of them I thought you’d be so angry you’d hear them and call just to bitch me out, and others were just to let you know…” He paused for a second, looking at me uncertainly. “Just to let you know that I did love you, that I didn’t ever lie about that. We were too young for what we had and I was scared, but I always loved you. You needed to know.”
“Alex, I – “
“Don’t worry, Hol. I just wanted you to know that I wasn’t trying to, you know, use what we had for my own gain. I was trying to work through it; to cope with what I’d done to us.” I opened my mouth to respond again, wanting to tell him I understood, that I did a lot of stupid things to deal with what had happened between us; that I wasn’t angry with him about the album anymore.
“Holly, you’re not even a little done,” John laughed, as he walked over to me. I looked up, startled, seeing his face drop as he noticed my tears and Alex on the other side of the booth. “Is he bothering you, Holly?”
“Don’t worry about me, I’m gone,” Alex seethed, glaring at John as he pushed past. My gut was screaming at me to call him back, to tell him I understood and I wanted to be friends at least, but I kept my mouth shut, brushing away my tears instead.
“What the hell was that all about?” John asked, sending me a confused look as I began to pack up quickly. “What did he say? Why are you upset?” I took a breath, steadying my voice before replying.
“Didn’t you hear that song, John? He was so sad.”
“It’s a sad song,” he responded, clicking his tongue in annoyance. “I can write a sad song and not mean a word of it. I’ve heard it before, and, yeah, it’s cute and he’s heartbroken, but it doesn’t mean anything.”
“It means everything,” I snapped. Did he need to be so infuriatingly blasé about this? I get that he didn’t like Alex, I get that he didn’t like me hanging around Alex, but that didn’t make it any easier for me. I wanted to work through the shit we’d caused each other, get on with our own lives instead of dwelling on teenage mistakes. Why was he making that so difficult for me? “It means I wasn’t as stupid as I thought I was. It means he loved me and I wasn’t the only one. It means, somewhere, somehow, he knew how much pain I was in and he cared, beyond his own ego.”
“So, what? You forgive him now and everything’s A-Okay?” I rolled my eyes, though I knew he was just keeping an eye out for me. He was my best friend for a reason, and he was way too protective of me sometimes.
“No, I don’t forgive him. He still broke my heart over nothing. That doesn’t just go away.” I paused, taking a breath once again to think over what I was about to say. I knew if I said this the wrong way John would either get even angrier at Alex, get angry at me, or both, instead of understanding that it was just a way to deal with things. Surely, he of all people would understand that. “I’m just not angry about the album anymore. My name is fine, I don’t care. My pain wasn’t just mine, it was his too, so that’s all fair to use. This isn’t just about me, it’s about him and our friends too. I get that now.” John clicked his tongue again, picking up a stack of shirts and putting them in the correct box under the table.
“Can I still hate him?” I laughed lightly, nodding. I hadn’t expected that response, if I was perfectly honest. “Good. Because he’s still an asshole and I do still hate him.”

Notes

Comments

@settle for me.
Two words. Character Development. SHES SO SHALLOW RIGHT NOW. I've met people like her and they make my blood boil and skin crawl.
I'm not one to talk about stories being too long... it's difficult.

@gamble with desire.
I'm not sure Jasey knows what she wants to be honest. :')

@aweirdkindofyellow
I always forget how much you dislike her. But, you'll have to see how this goes! I need to cut a load of stuff I already have written because it doesn't fit in a chapter in a way that makes sense and I don't want to go on too long. The first time I wrote this sequel it was like... 17 chapters long, and now I'll be lucky if I finish under 50.

Ooooh yay she’s hitching a ride with Alex! I’m not happy John hurt her by breaking up with her, but I’m kinda glad he did it because he’s just been weird this whole time. And Jasey really wants to be with Alex, I can tell!

@settle for me.
I'm scared that Holly will get back together with Alex. I'm scared that she will continue to be a brat. I'm scared that she only cares about herself.