Just Another Reason I Could Never Forget You

I woke up the next morning to a pounding on my door. I’d gone to bed with my head swimming after I’d finished my call with Jack, pulling the covers over my head and just fucking crying. My mind wouldn’t process what anyone had said and I missed John. I couldn’t really go crying to him on this occasion, given I didn’t really think he’d appreciate “I miss you so much because I love you, but I also still love my ex-boyfriend and he keeps drunk dialling me.” The first half of the sentence, maybe, but definitely not the second. My phone had been ringing on and off half the night and I hadn’t even bothered to see who was calling, but I could guess that it was Jack and John. Jack calling to say he’d rescued our drunk friend and all was well (or, you know, not) and John drunk dialling me to say he loved me or some other sweet sentiment I didn’t deserve.
My phone started to buzz again on the table next to my bed and I simply pulled the covers further over my head as I began to question why I already felt like I was cheating on John. I had taken Alex out of the running for any sort of relationship two years ago (though I had only reconciled to my own decision about two weeks ago), so I’d never considered anything behind John’s back and not with Alex either, but I still felt like I was doing something wrong. But, then, being friends with Alex made me happy, he understood me and he very rarely judged me on anything I did. The only times he’d blown up at me were when he was directly involved. John, on the other hand, couldn’t really get his head around my slightly wilder side and he disapproved of a lot of things I did that I didn’t understand. I understood his disapproval of my friendship with Alex, that was a given and I didn’t blame him for it, but he got this look in his eye sometimes when I drank too much, or I made an overly crude joke at Kennedy’s expense and I didn’t like it. He was sweet and caring and he didn’t try to change who I was, but I wasn’t entirely sure I was the girl he thought I was.
“Jesus Christ, Holly,” I heard him mutter. “I’ve been calling you all night.” I didn’t move, but I did offer a grunt in return so he knew I was alive under the covers. I’d forgotten to lock the fucking door last night like an asshole. “Are you alright?” He asked after I didn’t show my face.
“I’m fine,” I replied, not hesitating as I knew the truth would only put us in a fight. My phone began to buzz again on the table and I groaned loudly, knowing now that it wasn’t John. I peeked out of the cover, tilting my phone so I could see the name. I froze as I saw Alex, taking a second or two to recover from the surprise before promptly rejecting the call. I could imagine he was calling to apologise and I wanted to make it clear to him that I was pissed. I wasn’t so much pissed as I was upset, but he didn’t need to know that he still got under my skin. I could feel John’s eyes on me as I pulled the cover back over my head. I didn’t want to deal with today. I wanted to mope about eating junk food and napping and then wake up tomorrow over it.
“Then why are you hibernating?” He asked. I opened my mouth to respond when my phone began to ring once more and I groaned even more loudly, pushing the covers down fully and glaring at it.
“Because my phone won’t shut the fuck up!” He raised an eyebrow at me before picking the device up off the table, frowning at the screen before swiping to reject the call.
“So, you haven’t been missing my calls, you’ve been pointedly ignoring them,” he said after a moment or so of silence. I looked over at him, seeing the frown still on his face and shook my head.
“No, I’ve been asleep,” I told him, which wasn’t untrue. “I didn’t even know you’d called until you walked in my bedroom and said you’ve been calling all night. Look through my phone if you don’t believe me. The only calls I’ve rejected are the one you just did and the one I did when you walked in.” I half expected him to shrug and believe me anyway, but he quickly opened my phone and scrolled. It wasn’t new, he and I were more than happy to let the other into our phones as we never had anything to hide. We didn’t do it often, but if I walked into the room and saw him on my phone, I didn’t bat an eyelid, and vice versa. We were usually only texting someone we both knew.
“What’s this?” He asked, eyebrows raising once again. I looked at him expectantly, waiting on more information from him so I could answer. He turned the phone so I could see and I took it off him so I could read.
Hey, I know I haven’t spoken to you since we left Tempe, but I just wanted to say that it’s been three years now and I still can’t imagine my life without you. Happy anniversary, babe. <3
I rolled my eyes at the text, realising I had never opened it after Alex called. It was typical of drunk Alex, especially if the last two years were anything to go by.
“It’s a text from Alex,” I replied simply. “He gets drunk and texts me shit sometimes.” He stared at me for a minute, his expression not changing, but I could feel his annoyance. I got it, really I did, but surely I was the one who got to be annoyed right now? Alex was the bothering me, not him.
“So, he does this a lot?”
“I wouldn’t say a lot,” I shrugged. “He really toned it down this year. Last year it was basically everything other fucking week.”
“So, your boyfriend from back home used to bombard you ‘every other week’ and you never bothered to tell me?”
“There’s a lot of things I never bothered to tell you, John. Like when drunk guys used to come into the diner and hit on me, or some asshole on campus whistled at me. It’s not a big deal.”
“That’s fucking bullshit and you know it,” he snapped. I scowled at him as my phone buzzed again, this time from Jack, and I rejected it once more.
“No, it’s not. You didn’t even know Alex existed until last year and seeing as though we weren’t together when all of this shit was happening, I can’t see why I have to tell you that my ex texts me on my birthday and Christmas or when he’s stupidly drunk and something reminds him of me.”
“Because up until a month ago, I thought the dude cheated on you and got over you in a fucking snap!”
“Up until a month ago, what difference did it make whether he was over me or not?” He scowled at me as he clamped his mouth shut, with no response to prove he was being reasonable. He wasn’t. He was jealous and it was fucking annoying. “Look, I’m not going into this any more. Alex is an asshole, sure, but he’s my friend and I tell him off when he’s an asshole now because apparently ignoring him doesn’t work. You’re my boyfriend, you, no one else. So, can you chill out and get into bed? I swear, I’ll turn my phone off.”
“No, it’s your anniversary today, so maybe I should just let you answer to your other boyfriend and go home.” I rolled my eyes at him, throwing my phone to the end of the bed.
“I think you’ll find that yesterday was our anniversary,” I replied, sarcastically. “And all I wanted was for you to be home, but you went out and had beers and that’s fine. But don’t give me shit about a relationship that ended over two years ago when ours only started two weeks ago and you’re already pushing my fucking buttons with this Alex shit. Just come to bed.”
“I don’t think I want to,” he replied, shrugging. He seemed less angry already and that’s all I wanted.
“Okay, how about I pick up the covers, leave my phone here, and watch a film on the couch?” I suggested. I didn’t really want to get up yet, but it seemed like the easiest way to placate John. He shrugged once more, which I took as a yes and began gathering my things.
John left while I had my back to him picking up my covers, but I soon discovered him in front of my TV, having already put a movie in and sitting in the far corner. I took it to mean he wasn’t annoyed with me, but left him to himself regardless. I didn’t want to end up in another fight just because I’d tried to cuddle up to him when he was still annoyed. For all I adored that he wore his heart on his sleeve, it seemed like all his emotions were on his sleeve and he felt them all keenly. I knew I was the asshole here, but I was still annoyed at his reaction. I had clearly not responded to Alex, hadn’t egged him on in any way, and yet I was in trouble because of it. I knew I was beyond rusty at this relationship crap, but surely I hadn’t gone that far wrong? I hadn’t been the best with Alex either, but at least that felt easy most of the time. I didn’t know how to deal with this side of John, his jealous side threw me through a loop, given he had been so easy going before now.
It took about an hour for John to really calm down. The first time he heard my phone buzzing in the other room, he stiffened and scowled, but I ignored it all, staring at the screen as if I hadn’t noticed. From there, he had slowly shuffled closer, first taking his shoes off and grabbing the edge of my blanket, despite the heat, then began edging closer to me each time he got himself comfortable. He stiffened less and less every time my phone buzzed, and I felt myself smile as he began playing with my hair after I moved slightly closer. From then on, everything was fine. Neither of us wanted or needed an apology, and I was just happy I had stood my ground this time instead of breaking down like last time.
“Hol?” He murmured, stroking my hair still as I lay my head in his lap. The movie had finished a while ago and I had taken to flicking aimlessly through the channels until I found something I could pay little attention to, but would still hold my interest if I chose to focus for more than 30 seconds. I hummed back to him, telling him to carry on. “I’m sorry, darling, but I’m going to disappear on you again tomorrow.” I turned my head to look up at him before responding.
“Where are you going?”
“We said we’d go film with the guys in Brighten,” he told me. “Nothing huge, doing some Christmas stuff basically just at one of the guys' houses. It’s why I didn’t come over last night.” I pouted at him, attempting puppy dog eyes from my spot. “Don’t look at me like that,” he chuckled. “You can come if you want, I just didn’t think you’d want to.”
“You have no idea how bored I was yesterday,” I replied. “If you don’t want me to come, I’ll grow up and do some grocery shopping or something, but it sounds like fun.” He grinned widely at me, pressing a quick kiss to my lips and pulling back. The easiness I had said was lacking in our relationship returned full force with his smile and I couldn’t help but feel my heart flutter. He glanced at his phone a second, seeing it was now past six, which was reasonable given he hadn’t actually made his appearance until after midday.
“I need food,” he told me, simply. “You wanna go eat out, or take out?”
“Take out,” I replied instantly, suddenly in the mood for Chinese food. He laughed again, shaking his head at me.
“Let me guess: chow mien and egg rolls?” I nodded, grinning. “You coming with?” he asked, knowing my favourite place didn’t deliver here and was in fact the one he always went to at home. I bit my lip a second, remembering the buzzing of my phone all day and slowly shook my head.
“If it’s alright with you, I think I’d better give Alex a call and tell him off for last night,” I sighed. “He needs to apologise to us fucking both and stop calling like he has. If I leave him much longer, he’s just going to get drunk and do it again,” I reasoned. I saw John’s eyes darken ever so slightly, before he shrugged.
“If you’re sure,” he told me. “But I do expect a nice apology from him,” he half joked.
“On it, sweetheart.”
John said his goodbyes within a few minutes, though never bothered to check my order as it never changed. My phone lit up as I walked into my bedroom around 10 minutes after John had left, Jack’s name on the screen. I sighed, not sure if it was actually Jack or if it was Alex, but picking up nonetheless.
“Hol?” He asked quietly when I didn’t immediately greet him. At least he didn’t sound drunk this time.
“You’ve got thirty seconds to say what you have to say and it had better be a good apology, Gaskarth,” I told him sternly.
“I know, I know. I think I remember most of what I said and Jack told me some earlier, but I get the gist I was a fucking asshole.”
“You’ve been excelling at asshole since we ran into each other. You crossed a line.”
“I know,” he sighed. “I saw the text I sent too and—”
“And so did John,” I snapped.
“Shit,” he hissed. “I’m sorry Holly, really I am.”
“It’s not enough, Alex. I’ve told you so many times, this needs to stop and it never does. You find another excuse to get drunk and make an asshole of all of us.”
“I know,” he groaned. “I don’t know why I do it,” he told me, honestly. “What do I expect? That you’ll suddenly decide you love me again?” I felt my breath stick in my throat at his words, not sure how to explain to myself that the most ridiculous scenario he could think of was what had happened. It didn’t change anything, I was still picking John, but it made me deeply uncomfortable nonetheless. “I gave up on you the day you left, I knew you wouldn’t take me back, but then I get drunk and suddenly calling you is the only thing that makes sense.”
“I’ve been there, Lex,” I told him, beginning to amble back into my front room and back to the sofa, “but you need to fucking put your foot down with yourself. You need to find someone else who’ll take your stupid 3am calls and won’t get annoyed with you.” I felt myself finally smiling as I thought of John, and all the times we were on the other end of each other’s drunken rambling at ungodly hours. We'd go to each other, get each other home or into bed safely and stay until morning. It had yet to get irritating.
“I’m working on it,” he chuckled lightly. I let out a long breath, thankful that we had got the difficult part over.
“Good. But you had still better apologise to John, and soon.”
“I will, I swear.”
“Hey, Lex, I gotta go,” I replied, flashing a grin over at John as he kicked off his shoes and made his way to the kitchen to grab a drink and separate our food containers.
“Someone more important come along?” he chuckled.
“Far more important.”
“Ooh, ouch. Harsh.” I snorted at his dramatics, rolling my eyes with a grin. “Alright. See you, Hol.”
“See you.”

Notes