Hello, emotional compass. Please call your bestie when you’re out of class and not being molested by your sasquatch, she’s in need of your guidance xo
I sighed as I closed my phone, looking around my empty apartment with nothing to distract me. Tour had ended a handful of days ago and I had spent that entire time wrapped up in John, going on dates and lounging around my apartment ignoring our friends’ calls. It had been nice while it lasted, however John had succumbed to their pestering an hour or so ago and gone for ‘band practice’, which this soon after the end of tour usually only meant beer in Kennedy’s garage with their instruments laying around uselessly. I’d barely unpacked, definitely hadn’t started laundry and all I wanted to do was catch up with Marissa.
I had yet to hear from a single one of my east coast friends since Jack had left after the Vegas show with the promise of calling me ‘once he was done boning’ (hence my text to Marissa instead of just calling her) and Alex had avoided me like the plague that entire day. I didn’t begrudge him that, given what had happened the last time the two of us had been in that city together, but I did however miss his sarcasm and the way he brought out the stubborn side of me. I wanted to tell him all about my run in with Jenny, but I also didn’t want to rush him. Jack told me to be careful with him and I knew being away from him was the only way I could control myself and not confide in him like I always used to.
“Did you just call me a sasquatch?!” A voice shrieked through the phone as I picked up to Marissa’s number. I snorted loudly, realising she had been with Jack, who was always reading other people’s texts, especially Marissa's.
“You’re hairy, you’re tall, you’re molesting my best friend. Yes, I called you a sasquatch,” I replied in faux boredom.
“I’m not doing it right this second,” he scoffed in response. “She’s making me breakfast.”
“Dude, it’s,” I paused, glancing at my clock which read 11am, “1 in the afternoon. That’s not breakfast.”
“Well, it for damn sure smells like pancakes, so that sounds like breakfast to me.” I laughed into the handset. Jack still sounded like the Jack I’d known since I was prepubescent.
“Ugh, I miss people making me pancakes,” I whined. “I hate living alone.”
“Aw, boo, does John not make you pancakes?”
“He normally buys in breakfast,” I admitted. “But this morning he went for band practice and left me all alone and hungry.”
“So, go out and buy some, asshat.”
“I would, buttmunch, but that defies the point of having someone do it for me.”
“Well—”
“Jack, are you on my phone?” I heard Marissa ask from further away from the phone.
“No—”
“Yes, you are. Why are you on my phone?”
“Because Jasey called me a sasquatch!” I stifled my giggles as the pair bickered, waiting for Marissa to snatch the phone and tell him to go eat his pancakes elsewhere.
“So, not only are you using my phone, you’re reading my texts now?”
I heard him spluttering, trying to find an excuse that didn’t make him sound the asshole and coming up short.
“Alright, out of bed and give me my phone. You can have your pancakes in the kitchen and go bother your parents.” He muttered out a goodbye to me before handing off the phone. I could picture his pouting and moping, and I stifled another giggle, knowing Marissa didn’t mean a word she’d said to him. “Okay, why did you call my boyfriend a sasquatch?” I let out the laugh I’d been holding finally as I settled back into my sofa.
“I don’t know, because he’s tall and hairy and it’s funny?” I replied, still amused by myself.
“For you,” she muttered. “I have to listen to him complain.”
“This seems like a choice you made all on your own, sweetheart.”
“True,” she sighed. “So, what did you want?”
“Nothing, I need my emotional compass.”
“Oh, what did you do now?”
“Why do I always have to have done something?!”
“Because it’s you, Jase,” she laughed. “You’ve been in trouble since the day I met you.”
“I was not in trouble the day we met!”
“You were. Mrs Yenner sent you out of class for distracting me.” I laughed again, conceding defeat as I remembered when Marissa had been sat next to me in first grade and we had immediately clicked and I had talked her ear off for an hour straight before I’d gotten into trouble.
“Yenner was evil,” I insisted. “She didn’t understand our bond.”
“The point stands: what did you do?”
“Nothing, as such,” I started slowly. “I mean, I told Jenny off the other day at the show, but that isn’t why I called.”
“You told her off?” She gasped and I rolled my eyes.
“A little,” I shrugged. “She was on my case about Alex because she’d seen us together and I just lost my cool a little. I told her I knew she didn’t like me, but that John loved me and I wasn’t going anywhere, so she’d better get used to me.”
“I thought you were going to play nice,” she sighed.
“I was,” I shrugged. “I acted oblivious to all her passive aggressive bullshit but the moment she called me out on comforting Alex, I lost it.” She remained quiet on the other end of the line and I rolled my eyes. “I did say that’s not why I called.”
“Okay, what’s up?”
“While I was telling Jenny off, I kinda realised I love John?” It was half a question, not really sure what else to say to her. I was admitting it aloud, I was allowed to question myself. Marissa was my emotional compass, she told me what to do and what to say and I played along like a champ when I wasn’t being a stubborn little shit.
“Yes, and?” I sighed dramatically, not sure what else she needed me to say.
“And what do I do?”
“Well, you tell him? I’m not sure what advice you need here, Jase. You love the boy, you let him know, or you keep it a secret until it tears you both apart and you have to leave the state. Your choice.”
“So, you’re not going to question me? Or nag me about Alex? Or tell me to think on it before I say anything?”
“What’s Alex got to do with this?” She asked knowingly. I could almost see the amused look on her face as I landed myself in shit with her. I scowled, unhappy with her tactics.
“Nothing. Just someone seems to think I still have feelings for him.”
“Here’s the thing, Jase,” she started. “Between the two of us, we both know you still love Alex, just like we both know you love John, you just love them both in different ways. I could see it the moment I spoke to you about him. So, go ahead and tell him if he’s who you’ve decided you want. They would both understand if you chose the other, so don’t worry about the backlash because they’d both forgive you. All I want to know is what you have out there aside from John and his friends? What are you planning to do with yourself, because I can’t see you working temp jobs the rest of your life.”
“I don’t know,” I replied honestly. “I dropped out of school because I couldn’t concentrate with all the shit going on around me and I didn’t see the point in trying, but I still don’t know what I’d get out of it if I went back, you know?”
“So, why don’t you try?” I sighed into the phone once more and mulled it over. I still didn’t see the point in it, honestly. Maybe it'd be good to have some focus again, but I didn’t think I honestly had enough energy for it.
“I don’t know, Marissa,” I replied honestly. “I know I’m not gonna work temp jobs forever but I also don’t think ASU is the school for me right now, nor do I want to leave Arizona.”
“Well, why don’t you come check out Baltimore?” She asked slowly.
“I told you, I don’t want to leave Arizona.”
“I didn’t say leave Arizona, I said check out Baltimore. Come see us for a few days, check out your options and I can show you around. Just get a feel for what you can do and then see if you can do it at ASU.”
“Like I said, I don’t know. I’ve just got home and I don’t really want to leave John, you know? It’s the only time we're really going to have to ourselves for a while.”
“Just promise you’ll think about it.”
“Of course I’ll think about it,” I laughed. “I trust you to make most of my decisions, so of course I’ll think about it.”
“Good, now catch me up! I’ve had tour gossip off Jack but none off you.” I could tell she was pouting, desperate to hear the goings on, and so I obliged, jumping into anything and everything that had gone on during tour that didn’t involve me.

Notes

I meant to update this days ago, but instead I went to sleep. Don't judge me.
I'm also not sure how I feel about the next few chapters, so just bear with me.