Just Another Reason I Could Never Forget You

“Hey, how you doing?” John asked softly as I opened my eyes. He had shaken me awake only a few moments ago and I groaned as he spoke to me so soon after waking. The shitty, fed up feeling I’d fallen asleep with lingered in my chest and I just wanted to sleep some more. I didn’t even have the energy to want to run from this, just the desire to hide from my problems. I didn’t want to face Jack or Alex today, nor did I want to have to explain my shitty mood to Marissa. They weren’t getting here until early this afternoon as far as I knew, but it was easier to begin hiding before they got here than have to suddenly start hiding when they arrived. “I made you tea,” he offered, holding the cup up a little higher so I could see it. The concerned look on his face made me want to curl up even more. I didn’t want him to be worried about me; I didn’t deserve it.
“Thank you,” I muttered, though made no move to sit up or take the cup from him. I knew we had gotten in to Charlotte in the middle of the night, having woken around 4am for a glass of water and found we were stationary. The boys had all been asleep, which meant I had gotten my drink and immediately returned to my bunk completely unmolested by unwanted sympathy.
“The guys have gone to set up for you,” he tried again. I didn’t respond at all this time. I was just so done. All I did was cause damage and create drama. I wanted to go home. If I didn’t still have my stupid stubborn streak that was telling me to prove Jack wrong, I would have been planning my trip home already.
And then there was Marissa. If I broke her heart again, I wouldn’t forgive myself, and Jack most definitely wouldn’t. But that was it. John would be home in two weeks and we’d go back to normal. Everything would be great.
“Just come up front,” he said, beginning to quietly plead. That made me feel worse. I couldn’t even stay hidden without causing more damage. “We can watch a movie and I promise I won’t make you move after that.” I nodded slightly, beginning to push myself up from the bunk. I watched as his eyes began to light up a little, and I felt a little better for not dragging him down with me. He moved out of my way as I trudged out of the bunk, moving slowly through the bus and promptly sinking into the sofa like a rock. I curled back up almost immediately.
He offered me the cup once more, a brief look of surprise crossing his face as I took it, wrapping my hands around the porcelain and trying to make it seem like I felt better than I had the night before. I didn’t. I felt worse than I had done in years.
“What do you want to watch?” He asked.
“I don’t mind,” I shrugged. I was beginning to wish I had something to contribute, beginning to feel like a drama queen all over again, but I didn’t. I had nothing. He frowned a little but continued on as if everything were normal.I saw him pick up The Breakfast Club, putting it in before joining me on the sofa.
“I’m sorry,” I muttered half an hour later, my head resting in his lap as he stroked my hair gently. He was invested in the film, but I wasn’t paying any attention. I had moved from my corner within minutes of John sitting down, curling up next to him. I could see his small smile reflected in the screen across from us when I laid down, but I didn’t say anything.
“For what?”
“For being so pathetic.”
“You’re not pathetic.”
“I am,” I insisted. “Alex had to rescue me a couple of days ago from this guy I basically hooked up with the day he and I broke up, and then Jodie. It’s been stupid. And then—” I hesitated. He didn’t say anything, waiting expectantly. “I had a fight with Jack. The other night.”
“Is that why you called me?” I nodded, trying not to get myself upset once again as I remembered what he’d said to me.
“I was upset. He’d said some shit and I missed you and you were literally the only person I wanted to talk to.” I tried to explain myself quickly, not sure why but feeling like something I was about to say was going to be misconstrued. I didn’t want him to think he’d been an ego boost or anything.
“What did he say?” He asked softly, trying to fully understand where my mood had come from. I hesitated again, unsure what to tell him. A lot of it had been based on my bullshit with Alex, but I’d made my decision. I had introduced John to my parents as my boyfriend. That had to count for something.
“Something about being an awful person because I let Alex walk me home. Apparently, that means I’m leading him on. Oh, and I aren’t invested in our relationship as much as you are, so I must be leading you on too.” I shook my head, trying to appear nonchalant, hiding the fact that the memory of this alone had me on the edge of tears. “I just create drama wherever I go, and then I bail and hurt everyone.”
“I’m about two years further into this relationship than you are. Don’t worry about it, sweetheart.”
“That doesn’t help,” I told him, my stomach squirming. “It just reminds me how awful I’ve been to you for the last two years.”
“We’ve been through this: you haven’t. That shit is on me.”
“Yeah, because Caroline would agree with you on that.”
“Okay, the pair of us getting drunk and her finding us fucking spooning the next morning wasn’t the best move on either end, but it takes two to tango.” He chuckled a little as I cringed at the memory. The abuse that had been hurled at both of us, for something I didn’t think twice about was astonishing. Truth be told, I knew even then that sleeping in the same bed as a guy who had a girlfriend was a bad move, no matter how innocent I insisted it was. It was innocent, for me, but literally everyone we knew made it out to be more than it was. I suppose that reiterated Jack’s point: I create drama. I feed on it.
“See: I create drama. Everywhere I turn and everything I do just automatically becomes a hundred times more dramatic.”
“Again: if I wanted to make that relationship work, I would have done. Just because our main issue was you doesn’t mean you’re to blame. I’m to blame. Stop beating yourself up.”
“I can’t help it,” I replied, still utterly forlorn. This conversation wasn’t making me feel any better. “Now that we’re actually doing this, I can’t understand why it took me so long. Why I wasted the last two years and then conveniently allowed my life to blow up again.”
“You took your time because your asshole ex-boyfriend cheated on you.”
“Can you stop?” I asked, sighing with frustration as he began to attack Alex again. I was trying to be Alex’s friend right now and John hating him didn’t help me. “I’m sick of the pair of you doing this. I know he hurt me and thank you for caring, but that’s enough now. I just want to enjoy the time we have left on this tour.”
“Okay,” he said simply, though he hesitated for a moment. I felt his lips pressing against the side of my head and sighed once more, though this time a little happily. I wasn’t by any means less fed up with my situation, but the fact I’d rectified one piece of drama I’d created meant I was on my way.
By the time the film ended, I was starting to feel a little more like myself. I was still rattling around in a hollow feeling, but John had allayed at least a couple of my doubts. My main distress, however, was Jack, and nothing John could say would make me feel better about that.
As it was, I’d made my way out to the venue, kicking any stone I came across with my hands jammed in my pockets as I tried to figure my way out of this one. The boys had done an acceptable job at setting up for me, but I still had a few things I needed to play about with as the guys began their soundcheck.
I began trudging back to the bus around halfway through their soundcheck, having finished setting up and just not ready to face any more human interaction unless I had to, when I bumped (literally) into Alex.
“Sorry,” I muttered.
“My bad,” he grinned, showing me his phone, which he had apparently been engrossed in.
“I didn’t know you guys were here already,” I told him honestly, looking around to see if I could see Jack or Marissa making their way over. That was way too much for one outing.
“I flew out this morning,” he told me, shrugging. “I figured you were driving with Marissa so I didn’t want to intrude.” I nodded a little, gnawing my lip as I tried to figure out how to excuse myself. I didn’t want to have this conversation, nor did I want to be with anyone who would remind me of the last few days. “Are you alright?” I could hear the concern in his voice as my chest tightened again.
“I don’t wanna talk about it.” I hoped that my blunt reply would tell him to let it go, but he only frowned at me.
“Marissa said John had come up—”
“I don’t want to talk about it, Alex.” I knew where he’d been going with that train of thought, but I’d rather he thought John meeting my parents had been a disaster, instead of having to admit I’d seen Jodie, admit I’d fought with Jack and that I was just done. I still wanted to go home and just get on with my life the way it had been for two years now, ignoring everything as I always had done, but I’d reattached myself to these people and I’d promised I wouldn’t do that again. For now, I would settle for being back on my bus, alone, reading a book while I ignored my problems.
“Sorry,” he muttered. “I didn’t mean to—I just don’t like seeing you upset. We’re supposed to be friends, right?”
“I’m just exhausted,” I told him, sighing. “It’s been a weird couple of days and I just need a break.”
“Did something happen in Baltimore?”
“Yes.”
“Okay,” he replied, somewhat shocking me. I had expected him to push more, to force me into snapping at him and leaving on a sour note. “If you want to stay in tonight, Vin and Matt can always cover for you. They won’t mind.”
“Thank you,” I smiled. “But I’ve gotta deal with my shit. Hiding is what got me here in the first place.”

Notes

A little late and a little shorter than I intended, but my arthritis has been an absolute bitch for about a week now, so my roll with writing has come to a screeching halt.
I'm 25 going on 85. </3