Just Another Reason I Could Never Forget You

I didn’t bother calling Marissa once I left my parents’ house, instead choosing to roam the streets I once knew. I enjoyed pulling my coat closer to keep the body heat close and shut out the October chill. Considering I’d spent so long here hating the cold and wishing to be somewhere warmer, I did in fact miss it. I missed Maryland in the fall. Watching the leaves turn, the crisp morning air and the nights growing longer. I missed that midpoint between winter and fall, where you were curled up in a blanket and you were deciding if it was too early to put the fire on. I spent my time in Arizona lounging around in incessant sunshine, as if it had been an extended vacation.
I yearned for home. It wasn’t Arizona, it was Maryland. My family lived here, my childhood friends, almost all of my good memories. I didn’t need to live in Baltimore, I could move to Annapolis or Rockville, both close enough that I could drive home whenever the feeling took me.
I kicked the stones along the path, lost in my thoughts. I wanted to feel the feeling of dread I normally felt when thinking about facing my old life, but now that I was here, it felt like nothing had happened. I knew I would eventually run into someone I knew, but I wasn’t afraid of that. I would simply tell them Alex and I broke up and I went out west early for college. We were at that place in our lives where it had made no difference if I wanted to make a big move then or three months from then. I didn’t know why I’d been so afraid of their sympathy (or scorn), but I did know now that it didn’t matter.
I was in the centre of town before I knew it, seeing the lights of the place I had once worked at and the movie theatre Alex and I had seen Harry Potter at. Some things had changed, some things hadn’t. Time had carried on without me, but my nostalgia continued unbroken.
“Jasey!” I barely even acknowledged the voice calling my name, still trying to get used to people calling me by that name again. “Jasey Rae!” I flinched somewhat visibly, trying not to remember the other night and how much people knew about what Alex had done to me. But I also finally turned to face the direction of the voice, seeing a cocky looking blonde boy grinning at me in the doorway of a 7-Eleven.
“Oh, my God. Chase, hi!” I smiled back, embracing him in the same short hug I had always done as a teen, choosing to ignore the last time we had met. Apparently, he was doing the same, given that he hugged me back. “Wow, holy shit, I thought you would have moved away by now,” I said as we broke away from one another. It was true. Despite his lingering around high schoolers for a year after he graduated from his nice private school, Chase had been accepted at more than one Ivy league college, where he insisted he had every intention of attending once he made his mind up. Looking back, I didn’t believe the Ivy League lie for a second, but he was intelligent enough (and his parents had enough money) that he should have been accepted into a fairly decent college.
“I tried the whole college thing,” he responded, shrugging. “It didn’t work out, so I came home.”
“I feel you. College was not the best idea.”
“So, you’re back. For good?” He continued to smile easily at me, but the unwavering look he was giving me was beginning to make me feel uncomfortable. He felt a lot less friendly than he had three years ago. I don’t know what had made me feel like he was an easy fall back and not some sort of creep. Now I definitely felt like if we met at a party, I shouldn’t take any of the drinks he offered me.
“No, just visiting. I’m, uh, travelling with some friends I met out west.” I didn’t know what kept me from telling him why I was out here, the band and the guys and all the fun we were having, but it felt like he would make a deal out of it when there was nothing to make a deal of. Alex’s accusation of my having a type ringing in my head.
“So, you bonded with another bunch of guys, then?” He laughed, the easy laugh I had once mistaken for comforting. My stomach rolled at the underlying accusation.
“Boys are less drama than girls,” I replied, rolling my eyes. “Besides, it’s not like I’m fucking everyone I met out there. I’m selling merch for friends.”
“There it is,” he laughed again. “You always hang around the musicians. I should have seen that coming.”
I held back my frustrated sigh, looking closer at him. He looked washed out. His eyes were bloodshot and his hair was lacklustre. He wasn’t the easy going 19-year-old I knew. It looked like somewhere between then and now, or even before I left, something had hooked him. It was 6pm and he was wasted. On a Monday.
“Thank you,” I told him, my lip beginning to curl.
“For what?”
“For reminding me why I left this place to begin with. See you around, Chase.” I moved past him to continue my stroll down memory lane, though my rose-tinted glasses were wearing off.
“Hey, Jasey, don’t just leave like that, all in a huff.” His hand wrapped around my wrist, twisting me around to face him. I pulled my arm back to myself as quickly as I could. “You did that once before and I never saw you again. Let’s not end on a low note.”
“My boyfriend cheated on me and I left town. That had nothing to do with you.” I raised an eyebrow at him, utterly in disbelief. It was as if, in his warped mind, that I was too upset about his anger with me to show my face, despite what he had seen of Alex and I’s fight that night.
“Well, speak of the devil,” he snorted, looking over my shoulder. I felt relief washing over me as I saw Alex coming toward the pair of us, though it was only on my turning to face him that he recognised who he was walking toward. I saw him hesitate, but he looked me over, almost as if he could see the discomfort I was feeling releasing as I saw him, and made his way more determined over to me. “Well, ain’t this just déjà vu.”
“Baxter,” Alex nodded, the irritating macho greeting of a guy who didn’t like the person he was addressing. “Hol,” he smiled in his greeting to me. “How’s your mom?”
“She’s fine,” I smiled back, glancing at Chase and noting the confusion. It seemed like he was expecting another blow out like he’d seen last time, and I was more than happy to disappoint. “Almost as good as your mom, who made her way over after you told her where I was.”
“Yeah, sorry about that,” he chuckled. “The woman talks about you all the time. It’s infuriating. She scares off all my girlfriends.” I snorted softly. I liked this Alex. I liked this relaxed boy who wasn’t doing his best to ruin my current life. He was being a friend. I liked that. “Are you heading to Marissa’s?”
“Scenic route, yeah,” I shrugged.
“You want company?” I nodded once more, doing my best not to scream ‘oh god yes’ at him and show Chase just how uncomfortable he’d succeeded in making me. I hated feeling like I needed to be rescued, but it felt like the only hint Chase would take tonight was my leaving with another guy. Given that Alex was the closest, I would take his offer and run with it.
“Goodbye, Chase.” This time when I turned, I didn’t feel him reaching out for me. I figured Alex and I being civil had made enough of an impact upon him that he would be dumbfounded for a little while yet. We walked in comfortable silence for a little while, my hands jammed into my jacket pocket as we let our feet take us along the familiar concrete of our adolescence.
“Do you want me to leave you alone now?” Alex asked a few minutes later, well out of Chase’s eyesight. I looked over at him, his frowning face and the sagging shoulders of a man who didn’t know what to do with himself. I felt guilty. I know I shouldn’t, but I did. Something about the defeated look in the eyes I once loved caused me almost physical pain, to the point that all I wanted to do was cry and comfort him. I shook my head, not trusting myself to speak while I looked at him. Instead, I looked up at the darkening sky, taking a deep breath to soothe myself.
“I just want to wander,” I told him. “I want to go places I used to go, think about things I haven’t let myself think about in years, see things I promised myself I’d never see again.”
“And you want to do that with me?” I didn’t look at him. He’d either look hopeful or dejected and I didn’t know which I wanted to see the least.
“I miss my friend, Alex.” I sighed, not knowing what to say or when to say it. Here we were, stood on a street corner in my hometown as I played on the edge of a dangerous game. If Alex had any residual feelings for me, I would already be toying with them just by allowing him to walk with me, to give him the impression that I wanted him around. I did want him around, but I also knew I needed to keep my distance. Alex had made me feel things I’d never wanted to feel, both good and bad, and I knew he knew how to coax things out of me that I was adamant I would never admit or do. “I miss the boy I’d wandered these streets with. I want to come home, but I don’t even know where home is anymore.”
I allowed myself to look at him as my eyesight began to blur. Who cared if he saw me cry? I was done pretending to not be hurt. I’d been playing the angry card with him the last few days, and all I wanted to do was tell him I couldn’t look at him without my heart breaking again, that I loved John, but I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I wanted him to hold me, to tell me everything would be okay, that things would work out no matter what I did. I just wanted to be happy.
He hesitated, wanting to reach for me, but I could hear my words from yesterday in my own ears. ‘We’re not friends.’ He wanted to respect what I had said, but I didn’t want him to anymore. I wanted him to be the asshole. I wanted him to make things easy. If I was this confused now after only a handful of nice words in less than a week, what would I do if he played the nice guy? Would I hold my ground and choose John? Or would I be weak and uproot myself from everyone I had grown to love and fall into Alex’s arms?
“Come on,” he said softly, his hand on my back to prompt me to follow him wherever he was leading me. As soon as I began to move, his hand dropped. I didn’t know if I was grateful or not, but I did my best not to seem disappointed. It took me longer than I would have liked to admit to clear my vision, following Alex almost blindly until I succeeded. The moment I realised where we were, what direction we were taking, I knew where our final destination was.
There was a small hill in the park, not too far from my old apartment. It had a god awful 1960s concrete building in its side, we assumed for some sort of utility supply measures, but it came out well enough that we could simply walk onto the roof. We spent hours here, watching the sunset over our town with our friends, drinking or not depending on the mood, but always laughing, always happy. I never came here when I was bummed out, not unless I knew there was someone who would make me smile waiting for me. And so, I spent a lot more time here with Alex than I had anyone else. We were on the wrong side of the hill to be easily spotted or interrupted by anyone out for a stroll in the park, but we could see most of the town from our little spot.
Alex didn’t disappoint, leading me exactly where I had suspected, the pair of us sitting down as we always did, side by side with our legs hanging over the lip of the building. I took a breath, breathing in the crisp, clean air and the memories that rode along with it. I could smell the grass, reminding me of summers with Jack and Marissa, hear the cars passing by as they always did. I liked the invisibility of us. I liked watching people going about their day, oblivious to us, while we revelled in each other. John and I didn’t have this. We would sit in his back yard by the pool, sipping at whatever we had stolen from the fridge, being constantly interrupted by our friends. We tried making my apartment our safe space, but it lasted about a week before the guys started harassing us there too. I loved them, all of them, I really did, but how could they expect me to fall in love with their friend without letting us be?
“I found you once, you know?” Alex asked, kicking his legs against the wall as I looked out over the town. “In Arizona.” I hesitated, looking at him silently. Of course I knew. I doubted John remembered, but Alex had shown up at my door about six months after I’d moved there. John had answered and Alex had asked for Jasey. By then I wasn’t Jasey. I’d called out to ask him who was there and he’d come back only moments later to tell me about a boy named Alex, looking for some girl named Jasey. I’d frozen for a minute, before I’d rushed out to the parking lot, seeing it empty of all but the cars I recognised of the other residents. I didn’t know where he’d gone, but he’d been there.
I didn’t respond, looking away from him once again. What did I say? ‘Yeah, I knew you’d hauled ass out to Arizona and found me but I still ignored it’? Or did I lie? Tell him I had no idea? If we were to be friends, I wasn’t going to start lying. So, I held my tongue.
“Some dude answered and he said he didn’t know who Jasey was,” he sighed. I could see him frowning from the corner of my eye and I felt guilt in the pit of my stomach. I wished I’d called. “I’m pretty sure it was John, now I think about it. And I guess I know why he didn’t know who Jasey was.” I felt myself frowning now, having never explained to Alex that John didn’t know who I used to be, that he’d never connected the dots until now. “Jack told me you never told them your middle name.” I felt myself relaxing once more, turning to look at Alex. “I heard you in there. I heard your voice. I almost barged in until it dawned on me that you’d left for a reason. I deserved you leaving. You seemed happy and I figured you’d found someone. I didn’t want to ruin that.” He let out a bitter chuckle. “I’m figuring that out again now. Seeing you with John hurts, Hols, it does. But, I need to remember that you’re not mine anymore. I’m taking out my hurt on you and him, and you don’t deserve it. I promise I’ll do better.”
And there he went. I knew as soon as I wished he’d be an asshole that he’d stop. I’d spent the last week praying he’d be the nice guy I’d always known, but he’d played the asshole. Now I wanted the asshole, he was playing the nice guy.
“I almost called you,” I let out, having opened my mouth to say something diplomatic, and instead saying what I knew I shouldn’t. “Well, I almost called you a million times, but I knew you came that day.” I sighed, having now committed myself to total honesty with Alex. I wasn’t a liar, for the most part, honesty coming naturally to me. I could hide things, if I kept my mouth shut, but I was honest to the point of rudeness if it came down to it. “It was John, who answered. He was… I don’t know, it was September, we’d just enrolled at ASU, so we must have been studying.” I frowned, trying to remember what had been happening that day. Alex showing up was the only clear thing about the day. The rest of it had been a write off. “He told me it was you, but by the time I got outside, you were gone. I wanted to call so bad. I think I drank for the first time since I’d moved there that night and gotten so wasted I’m surprised you didn’t have a hundred voicemails, somewhere between crying my heart out missing you and screaming at you for daring to show up.”
I ran my hands over my face, before turning to face Alex. I wanted him to call me out, tell me I was an asshole for not responding. I wanted him to scream and shout, I wanted to goad him into turning back into the angry boy he’d been for days. I didn’t know what had switched inside him since the other night, but his anger had faded and I think he had finally realised I would walk out the door and never speak to him again if he continued.
“Honestly, I figured as much,” he responded. He was so calm. I was afraid he was still angry, but I knew enough about Alex to see that he wasn’t. He was genuinely calm.
“You know, I think you and John would actually get along.” I didn’t know where the thought had come from, but I knew they would. I’d always known they would get along. “I mean, if the pair of you put aside your egos for half a minute, you would like each other.”
Alex’s sigh was enough to tell me it was wishful thinking. I knew I would get the same reaction from John if I brought the subject up, but I couldn’t help but hope. They had a lot in common, even after music was disregarded. They were both intelligent and sweet and absolute momma’s boys. They were both cynical in the same breath as optimistic. But, I was standing in-between them. I was blocking them from seeing the good qualities in one another. John would undoubtedly be too jealous to consider speaking to Alex and Alex would continue to keep his distance while he found his footing within our new dynamic. I doubted another two weeks would be enough to make him comfortable enough to become friendly with John.
“My ego isn’t the issue here, Holly.” I watched him, but he was now avoiding looking at me. I wanted to push him to explain, but I knew it was no good, so I simply turned back to face our hometown. It was nearly dark now, the sun having set over half an hour ago and the street lights were turning on. I watched as a couple more flickered to life while I was waiting for Alex. “What do you want me to say?” He asked softly. I shook my head. “I know what you don’t want me to say, but that’s all I have.
“I’ve had girlfriends since you, and obviously you’ve had at least one boyfriend since me, but there’s a reason this hurts. I don’t know about you, but I know I haven’t felt anything like what I felt for you with anyone else. I know nothing about you and John, but I know what it’s like to hate the thought of you being near guys you’ve dated or hooked up with or whatever.” He chuckled dryly next to me before continuing.
“Nothing happened between me and Chase Baxter. I might have slept with his girlfriend, but the jury’s out on whether they were together then or not. Either way, there’s no reason for me to dislike him. Except, I know you and him hooked up a couple times and the thought of him touching you made my skin crawl, because the thought of you with another guy made my fucking chest hurt from the moment I met you.”
I had wondered for years what had happened between Alex and Chase to make them so tense at all times, and here it was. It was so casual and warranted none of the disdain they still held for each other. Chase had every right to dislike Alex if the girl had cheated on him for Alex, but Alex had always held the same level of anger and it was because of this? Because he’d been jealous?
“Is that enough? Do you need more? John might not be anything like me, but I can see in the way he looks at you that he loves you. I’m not blind. I’m not getting in the way of that for you. You deserve to be happy, you deserve someone who treats you like John does.” I glanced over to him, seeing him looking at me, his eyes soft, almost loving. While I wanted to, I didn’t hate the way he was looking at me. His hand briefly rested on the back of my head, pressing a quick and tender kiss to my temple. “I fucked enough of your life up. Be happy with John for me.”
I wanted to tell him everything.
I wanted to tell him about the relationship I had with John, and how it had started as a lie to protect me from him. I wanted to tell him it wasn’t even a real relationship, that I was a free agent, that John would understand. I wanted to come clean about every single lie I’d told since we’d met and what I’d really meant. I wanted to explain about Vegas and how I could have married him back then too. Alex had grown so much since we’d first met. He wasn’t insecure anymore, he knew his feelings and, while he still lashed out in the wrong ways, he was willing to fight for what he wanted until it was no good for either party. His backing off had shown me a more mature side to him and it was weakening the defences I had built.
Maybe that was it. Maybe I only wanted what I couldn’t have, which explained why I’d had John on the side lines for two years, waiting to be called up to play. It explained why I’d so quickly fallen for Alex in the first place. He was the bad boy with a good heart that didn’t want to be tied down. Of course I’d chased him.
I opened my mouth, ready to admit everything to Alex. I could see in his eyes that he knew I wanted to say something more, which only spurred me on.
But, reality called. Literally.
My phone began buzzing and I quickly discovered John’s name flashing up on my screen. My mouth shut firmly, the flashes of guilt I’d been pushing down all day returning all at once as I answered the call.
“Hi, darlin’,” he greeted. I could picture his lopsided smile and my heart began to race, only deepening the feeling of nausea the guilt was creating.
“Hey, cuteness.” I glanced over at Alex, seeing his body tensing as I continued my conversation. I stood up, moving toward the hillside and away from Alex.
“How’s Maryland? Do you miss me yet?”

Notes

Did anyone watch House? Because I'm re-watching it and suddenly I realise who I based Chase off in the original (looks wise). I hadn't watched it for years before I wrote him in to Don't Make This Easy. Hmm.
Anyway, opinions are always appreciated. <3