Just Another Reason I Could Never Forget You

“Okay, Johnny, I’m gonna get going,” I told him, as he loosened his grip on my hand. The show was over and everything packed away, so John and I were saying our goodbyes in front of his tour bus. I didn’t know where Alex was, but I felt like that was a good thing. I had no idea where he was staying for the next two nights, nor did I feel like I wanted to know. I was taking the next two days out for my own fucking good. I needed this. Aside from his trip to England, this was the longest John and I would be spending apart since ’07 and I knew the time apart would, at the very least, allow me to see the million ways I took advantage of him, or to actually realise he was what I wanted. Again, this was for both of us.
“I’ll miss you, darling,” he told me. I felt the slight fluttering in my stomach at his words and allowed myself to smile up at him.
“I think I might miss you too.”
“Oh, be still my beating heart,” he laughed. “Don’t have too much fun without me and promise you’ll enjoy your gossiping with your best girl friend.”
“I always enjoy gossiping with Marissa,” I told him. “We have pillow fights and braid each other’s hair.”
“If you say so.” I heard Marissa calling from behind me, clearly having already said her goodbyes to Jack. I told her I’d be a minute, turning back to John one last time. “Drive safe, alright? It’s late and this place has actual weather.”
“I’ll be perfectly okay,” I promised him, leaning onto my tiptoes as I pushed a quick kiss to his lips. I felt like this was a real goodbye. I didn’t know if I wanted to leave anymore, but I knew I had to. Somewhere in me, I felt like this was the last time I would taste his lips and I wanted to savour it. I had to convince myself that this wasn’t our last kiss, but the thought of going off to sort my head out made me feel like I would come back and not want him. I was genuinely afraid that I would come back and not want him. I didn’t know what that told me, all I knew was that I was scared.
Marissa and I were on the road home before I knew it. Despite the fact we wouldn’t be in her apartment until gone 2am, she’d insisted on leaving tonight while the traffic was all but non-existent on the road home. The longer we got together, the better. Not even for the bullshit Alex and John drama, but for catching up and spending time with her like I used to. I’d missed her every day I was gone. The only thing that had stopped me calling was that feeling like she’d be too angry to talk to me. I should have known better.
For the next few hours, we rattled off nonsense. The pair of us deliberately avoided the topic of boys, or at least current boys. We were more than happy to discuss high school and all the shit I used to pull, the shit I’d been adamant I hadn’t pulled in years. I had marginally pulled it once since Alex and I got together, and, surprise, surprise, it had been on John. Marissa caught me up more on her life, as I had pretty much monopolised the conversation since she’d arrived that morning. She went into specifics of the summer I’d left and all the shit they’d gotten up to without me (for once leaving out how upset she’d been, knowing I’d heard it more than enough), before continuing with a blow-by-blow of the last two years and everything she thought was important that had happened.
Walking back into my old apartment felt surreal.
I had a flashback of the hundreds of thousands of times I’d stumbled in through those doors blind drunk at 2am or hungover after some sort of escapade. Almost nothing had changed. Our old TV had been replaced with a shiner new flat screen, which I assumed was Jack’s addition, and pictures of the pair of them sat on the shelves and walls. Other than that, it looked exactly as I had left it. It still felt like I lived here.
“I’d tell you where everything is, but I think you know that by now,” Marissa chuckled next to me. I smiled, looking over at her. “You want something to eat? I think I’m too wired to sleep right now.”
“Me too,” I told her. “Food would be nice.” I dropped my bag behind the couch before following her into the kitchen, leaning against the countertop as she rummaged through the freezer. I was still having nostalgic flashbacks, remembering our first night here and sitting up drinking wine and almost burning the building down cooking pizza until it was black. That night had our neighbours hating us for longer than I cared to admit.
I wanted to say I was entirely comfortable where I was, being back in my apartment where I had so many memories of me and Alex, of me and Marissa, of everyone I had spent the last two years trying to forget. It felt strange to be facing this like I was. I wasn’t the kind of person who confronted shit head on. I buried my head in the sand and lived in denial for as long as I could muster. It wasn’t healthy, I knew that, but it didn’t stop me from doing it. I wouldn’t have met John if I hadn’t run away from my feelings, but that didn’t make it the right thing to do. If I hadn’t been in such denial about whatever the fuck it had been that had damaged me all those years ago, I wouldn’t have squandered my youth getting trashed at terrible parties and sleeping with whoever would have me; I wouldn’t have ended up in Alex’s bed that weekend three years ago. I needed to man up.
“Pizza?” Marissa asked, turning around from the freezer and showing me a pepperoni pizza. I nodded, trying not to show the discomfort I was beginning to feel. I loved it here, I loved Marissa, I even still loved Cockeysville, but my gut was still screaming at me that I shouldn’t be here. My phone vibrated in my pocket and I pulled it out as Marissa started our late-night meal.
Enjoy Maryland darling. Jared got me drunk, but I’m going to bed now. Miss you already.
I suppressed a sigh, staring at the message from my remarkably led-on best friend. For once, I didn’t feel guilt rolling through me as I put my phone down on the countertop. I didn’t miss him. Was that wrong, or was John just drunk and missing me sooner than was normal? I tried to remember how long it had taken me to start missing Alex way back when but came up with nothing. I always knew when I would see him next, we always had plans and when I left I’d been too angry to miss him. Was I jaded? Totally, but I still didn’t know if I was supposed to miss John or not.
Marissa and I migrated back to the living room 15 minutes later, our pointless frozen pizza now cooked through. I wasn’t even hungry anymore, it now being long past 2:30 in the morning and I was beginning to lag. Not enough that I wanted to sleep, but enough that my appetite had disappeared.
“How are you doing?” Marissa asked as we sat down in front of the TV, beginning to pick apart our food. I glanced around the room, seeing my terrible attempt at painting the wall hadn’t been painted over, but that wall was now covered in Marissa and Jack’s pictures and I realised just how jarring it was.
“I, uh, I don’t know. It’s weird,” I admitted. “Like, this place feels like home, but it doesn’t at the same time, you know?” I scanned the room once more, my eyes landing for the first time on a picture to the right of the TV. It looked like our prom, but I’d never actually seen the pictures in the end. We’d gone old school and our parents had taken the pictures on a film camera, my dad having a rather expensive hobbyists camera he’d brought out for the occasion. Long story short, I hadn’t even seen a preview of our shots. My dad didn’t have a dark room or anything, so he’d sent them off to be developed. I’d been gone by the time they came back.
I hardly felt myself moving over to the picture, seeing even from the couch that it wasn’t just Jack and Marissa in the image. I looked at Alex and I in our ridiculous formal attire; we looked happy. I glanced back and forth between our faces and Jack and Marissa’s and I couldn’t see a difference. How had two weeks changed so much between us? I ached for the return of that feeling. Yes, I was beginning to feel something similar for John, but that didn’t mean I didn’t want to go back to that girl who felt what she did.
“We have tonnes,” Marissa told me, almost making me jump. I was absorbed in my inspection, but not enough that I forgot she was there. It was irrelevant. All I could see was Alex and I smiling broadly and him holding me like nothing was wrong, because nothing was wrong. We were perfect. We were insecure kids, but we were perfect. “They came a few days after you left.”
“I figured,” I replied, tearing my eyes away from the photograph. “I’d been counting down the days waiting for them. I’d been so excited.”
“Weirdly enough, it made me and Alex bond.” She pulled a face, not sure if she was amused or annoyed by it. I moved back toward her, sitting down and waiting for her to continue. “I dunno. Jack was being all pissy and wouldn’t even look at them unless it was just him and me, but Alex was excited to see them.” I nodded, knowing that’s how I’d expected him to react. I was glad something about my expectations were on the mark. I had known him once. “He came over that night and we went through them and talked about you, and which ones you’d love and which ones you’d hate.” She sighed. “I did try and be angry with him, for you. But, he knew what he did was awful, he knew he deserved to hurt the way he was hurting, and he loved you. I had to stick to him, because he loved you as much as I did.”
I could hear her defending herself, her actions, and I didn’t know what made her think she needed to. I understood. I’d done a shitty thing too, so I didn’t blame her for sticking with Alex. He’d become her friend in the months before, and he’d been Jack’s friend for years, so I got it.
“When he showed up in Tempe, I figured you were behind it,” I assured her. “He couldn’t piece shit together like that on his own. You don’t have to explain yourself to me, Marissa.”
“I know, but I don’t want you to think I gave up on you the moment you were gone, because I didn’t. I was upset and even a little angry, but I understood. I tried to put myself in your shoes and I just couldn’t even come close to imagining the pain you felt. I wished you’d let me help you but I knew why you needed to leave.”
“Can we stop discussing boys?” I half laughed. “I feel like it’s all we’ve done since I came back and I miss you. Screw the guys for tonight, let’s just be us.”
“I’m with you on that one.”

Notes

A little late (like 11:20pm and I'm at work in the morning, oops), but I've literally just finished writing this chapter, so have at it.
It's quite filler-y, but I think we needed another calm chapter. I'm sick of dropping Holly in all the drama. She needs to breathe sometimes.