Just Another Reason I Could Never Forget You

I blundered toward the pounding door, still feeling the effects of last night and all the alcohol I’d consumed. The bus was, clearly, no longer moving, meaning I really should have been up and setting up my booth by now, but the late night I’d had last night had caused me to sleep way later than normal. I pushed open the door with a foul look on my face, determined to make whoever had just woken me feel as uncomfortable as possible.
An excited scream escaped my lips when I finally realised just who was stood in front of me. Marissa copied the action and I jumped from the bus, throwing my arms around her, still shrieking. She wasn’t supposed to be here. She was coming with us for a week after the few days break we had, not now. I heard a couple of bus windows and doors opening as Marissa and I continued to hug each other, jumping around to show our excitement at seeing each other again.
“Jesus fucking Christ, Jasey. We thought you were being murdered,” Jack grumbled from behind Marissa. I ignored his words, though stopped screaming and finally pulled away from my best friend, who looked just as happy to see me as I felt in seeing her.
“What are you doing here?!” I shrieked, inspecting her and noting just how much she’d changed over the last couple of years. She was no longer an awkward eighteen-year-old, but an absolutely stunning 20-year-old.
“I couldn’t wait! You were too close, so I set off early this morning. I missed you so much!” I shrieked again, hugging her once more quickly.
“I can’t believe you’re here!”
“Me? I can’t believe you’re here!” She laughed. “I mean, we pretty much thought you were dead some days, at least you knew where I was.”
“I’m so sorry, Marissa,” I muttered, shifting guiltily at her words. I hated cutting her out like I had, and if I hadn’t been hurt so much by Alex, I might never have done it, but I couldn’t be reminded of him right then. I glanced over at Jack, who was still stood in the doorway of All Time Low’s bus, looking remarkably amused by the reunion he was witnessing. “You’re my best friend; I wouldn’t have done that to you if I had a choice. My parents were supposed to at least let you know I was okay.” She looked shocked when she realised I’d been in contact with my family, making it clear they hadn’t passed along the message to her.
“It’s fine, you’re here now, and we have so much to catch up on it’s unreal,” she told me, waving off my apologies quickly. “We’re going for lunch. Me, you and Jack, I wanna know everything. Oh! And bring that boyfriend of yours.” I chuckled at her words, glancing behind me to see John stood in the door of our bus, the others peeking out behind him also.
“What do you think? You up for lunch with my crazy best friend?” He nodded, a wide smile spreading across his face.
“I’d absolutely love to go out for lunch with your crazy best friend. Maybe she can explain this whole Jasey thing to me.” My stomach flipped at his words, realising I hadn’t in fact explained anything to John or the others about why everyone in All Time Low kept screaming ‘Jasey’ at me. I plastered a smile back to my face as I turned back to Marissa.
“That’s settled then. Marissa, this is John. John, this is Marissa, my absolute favourite person in this entire universe.”
“Go get dressed, Jasey,” she laughed at me, backing away and toward Jack. “We’ll meet you out here in ten minutes.” I nodded quickly, returning to the bus to get ready.
“So, are you going to tell me about this whole ‘Jasey’ thing, or am I really going to have to wait until your other best friend explains it to me?” John asked as I finished up my makeup. He was fully ready and was leaning against the bunks behind me, while the rest of the band had wandered off to figure out their own food.
“It’s my name, John,” I sighed, screwing the lid back on my mascara and putting it away. “Jasey is my middle name. That’s what I went by in school because I absolutely hated the name Holly.”
“So, you’re Holly Jasey Rae?” I nodded, checking that I was completely finished and my makeup hadn’t smudged. “As in, Jasey Rae?” I nodded again. “Shit, Holly. That Jasey Rae?”
“What other Jasey Rae do you think there was? Like he came across twenty other girls with my name while he was dating me?” John muttered quietly behind me and I rolled my eyes, turning from the mirror to face him. “Look, I did it deliberately. I didn’t want everyone to find me, so I went by Holly. I didn’t even know he’d written that song until I came on this tour. I had no clue at all, which is exactly what I wanted. I didn’t want him in my life after what he’d done.”
“I thought you would have told me at least,” he muttered. I sighed, standing up and moving toward him.
“I meant to, at some point, but it just didn’t seem relevant, you know?”
“Okay, fine, but was that why you were upset the other night?” I nodded. “He’s an asshole.” I chuckled lightly, trying not to remember the night before as I wrapped my arms around John. I tried to ignore the feeling of guilt welling up in my gut as I, once again, remembered the feeling of Alex’s lips on my own. I should have been thinking about John’s lips, which were so close to me, within my reach even, but I couldn’t. I didn’t know if I felt too guilty, or if it was the ease at which I could reach John, but I didn’t have his lips at the forefront of my mind.
“We’ve dealt with it,” I told him. “He apologised for that and some other shit and I had my own crap to apologise for too.” I sighed, realising just how little of my life before Arizona that John actually knew. This wasn’t the way to be friends with someone, let alone someone you were thinking of pursuing a relationship with. “I swear I’ll tell you it all later, alright? It’s a long ass story. Alex did more wrong, but I did a hell of a lot of shit too. We were both assholes.”
“It’s okay, Hol. I don’t need to know,” John assured me. “I’ll ask my questions if I need to, when I need to, but I know who you are now and that’s all I need, alright?” I nodded, pulling him closer as he kissed the top of my head.
“You’re amazing. Have I ever told you that?” I looked up at him, his smile the first thing I saw.
“Once or twice, but it’s always nice to hear.” He quickly pushed a kiss to my lips, which I returned quickly before I could allow thoughts of Alex to return to my head. Maybe that was all it was. Maybe it was just because Alex had been the most recent kiss and all I needed was one kiss from John to forget Alex.
It was a fairy tale, no doubt, but I could pretend.
I had this picture of us as we exited the bus. We were chatting and smiling and just generally a happy looking couple, the cool couple everyone is jealous of because we clicked. Alex is off to one side, but we don’t notice him as he pouts and scowls and whatever he needs to do, instead we walk away, hand in and hand and go meet my old best friends for lunch.
We almost made that a reality.
We exited the bus, happy and smiling and cute as can be. However, Alex didn’t stay in his corner unbeknownst to us. He marched straight over and said, “Hey, Hol, can we talk a sec?” and I had to confront the previous night head on, our bullshit excuse for a fight about nothing. I apologised to John, excusing myself quickly. I maintained a look of calm disinterest, trying not to show the irritation I was showing.
“What?” I snapped, the moment John was out of earshot. Alex dragged me out of view too, knowing this was going to get heated.
“About last night—”
“No. No, ‘about last night’,” I snapped once more. “Last night didn’t happen, okay? Whatever the fuck you did with Sammy, I don’t care. I’m not here to play games, I’m not a fucking child.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You seem to be sorry for a lot lately.” I folded my arms, trying to make my point. I had no internal conflict. There was no Alex vs John, it was John and that was it. I knew (even without lying to myself) that what Alex did was wrong. As far as he was concerned, I was with someone else and he had no right to do what he did.
“I know, alright? I’m an asshole.” I scoffed. He could say that a thousand times and it wouldn’t quite cover it.
“I mean, yeah, ignore the fact I’m with someone else and you know it, you made out with some skank, kissed me, then what? Went back and slept with said skank?”
“No! Absolutely not, no! She left. I, uh, I made her leave.”
“Great,” I drawled, sarcastically. “So, you’re half an inch less of an asshole, congrats.”
“It won’t happen again, I swear.”
“You’re damn right it won’t.”
“Can we just be friends?” I rolled my eyes, pursing my lips. This is exactly what I had asked of him 24 hours before and he had already fucked it up. “We said we wouldn’t do this to Jack, and now Maria’s here…”
“Oh, screw you. You don’t get to blackmail me into being your friend.” He was actually thoroughly making me angry now. He’d gone from massively an asshole, to unquestionably an asshole. I know I needed to at least seem civil so John wouldn’t ask questions about what had happened, but that in itself made me squirm. I hated hiding things from him, especially planning to hide things from him. I honestly disgusted myself.
“I’m not! I just—please, Holly. Can’t we just try and be friends one more time?” I could see him all but pleading with me, seemingly desperate and I knew he deserved to be this flustered about what had happened, but his reminder of Jack and Marissa stuck with me. I didn’t want to bullshit through this again.
“We’re not friends,” I told him. “We are civil. Not even for my sake, or yours, but for Marissa. She doesn’t need dragging into our shit while she’s here, okay?” His shoulders fell, apparently relieved by my words as he nodded slowly. “But let me get one thing straight Alex: you do not get to pull that shit on me, you got it? I am with John. I am not with you. You need to forget that.”
“Already done. I swear.” I rolled my eyes and shook my head. It was not already forgotten, or last night wouldn’t have happened. I didn’t bother to say goodbye, simply turning on my heel and returning to John with a smile on my face.
I tried to ignore the argument I had told myself to counter Alex’s own words. If we had both forgotten about how it felt to be together, I would have pushed him away immediately, I wouldn’t have all but fallen into his arms when he had another woman in the back. I wouldn’t have been having to hide anything from the boy I was falling for.

Notes

Yay! Marissa's here!