TRIGGER WARNING
SELF HARM
SUICIDE

---

*Alex Pov*

I cleaned up the dishes from breakfast, and went to find Jack in the living room. He was still setting up the movie. He had a dvd version of it, but he always seemed to go for the VHS version if he could. I honestly think the only reason he still had a VCR was for this movie.
I went to my spot on the loveseat and put up the foot rest. It was electric, so if you put up the foot rest for both seats, it folded back into a small bed.

"Alex?"

"Hm?"

"You know there's more room on the couch right?"

I know. I did it on purpose. "Oh, I just kinda sat here because it was across from the tv. I can move if you want."

"Nah it's all good. I just didn't know if you were okay with sitting that close." He went to sit down, but he suddenly jumped. "Oh, hold on a sec."

He returned with a thin blanket. He knows me so well. I smiled and he laid it over me. Finally, he sat down and put his foot rest up. We had it adjusted so it wasn't quite all the way back, but we were half laying down. He pressed play on the remote.

Instinctively, Jack put his arm up across the back of the couch, and I scooted closer and snuggled into his chest. Once he put his arm around me, everything just kinda felt right again. Cheesy as hell, I know, but it was still true. Too bad that lasted a whole 60 seconds.

He Just pities you. He just feels bad about the Tom comment. He doesn't care about you anymore. You ruined that.

I tried to shake the thoughts from my head.

I felt Jack start to gently rub my arm. "Lex? What's the matter?"

Dammit, he knew me too well. "Nothing. I just-" I sat up and pushed away from him. "I can't do this, Jack." He tipped his head in confusion. "This." I gestured between us. "It doesn't feel right. I just," I couldn't find the right words. "I don't want to say the whole it's not you, it's me thing, but it's true. I just don't know how to explain it." I was frantically talking with my hands, as if the jerky movements would magically make my head clearer.

"Alex. Calm down. It's fine. I know what you're trying to say." He put down his foot rest. "I can sit on the other couch. It's not really a big deal." He didn't even sound slightly upset. I knew the thoughts weren't true. I knew damn well that he cared. He's the only one who ever has. It was just my anxiety getting the best of me again.

"No." I grabbed his arm before he could get up. "I don't want you to go. I don't know how to explain it. I want to be close to you. I just need some time before I can just jump back into how things used to be. There's so much going on in my head right now." I subconsciously started pulling at my hair in frustration.

"Hey, stop." He grabbed my hands and gently set them in my lap. "Here, I have an idea." He stood up and held his hand out to me. I gave him a questioning look, but went with him anyway. He pulled me over to the couch and sat down. "Lay down." I raised my eyebrow at him. "Come on, you can use my lap as a pillow." Then I realized what he meant. I curled up next to him and rested my head on his thigh. I smiled to myself. He started playing with my hair, and I automatically started feeling tired. "Is this okay?"

"Mhm," I mumbled, slowly giving in to my lack of sleep. He gently covered me with the blanket on the back of the couch.

About 10 minutes into the movie I was almost out. "Goodnight, Lex." Jack whispered. I could hear the smile in his voice. I fell asleep with the same smile on my face.

*Jack Pov*

I still don't know how he can sleep through the best movie in existence, but I let it slide because he was so cute when he slept. I looked down at him. He finally looked at peace. I know things have been bad lately, I just wish I knew how to help him. I hated knowing that he was hurting. I also hated the fact that I had to wake him up because it was almost time to go get Izzy from school.

I gently shook him, "Lex. Hey, you gotta wake up." He crinkled his noise and snuggled further into my lap. I giggled a little. "Alex, I know you're sleepy. You gotta get Izzy."

He jumped up at that. "Shit! What time is it!?"

"It's quarter to 2. She gets out in a half hour. It's like a 15 minute drive from here. You have time." He nodded.

"How long was I out for?"

"Long enough to miss the most beautiful piece of cinematic history." He rolled his eyes. "You fell asleep 10 minutes in."

"So I was out for an hour and 43 minutes."

"How-"

He cut me off. "I've literally seen it a million times. It's exactly an hour and 53 minutes long."

"Oh." I felt my face heat up a little. I should have known that. "Do you want something to eat before you go?"

"Thanks, but I'm good. Not to mention, you don't really have much food here."

That's because I don't eat much anymore. "Oh. I was gonna say we could pick up Taco Bell or something."

"I'm good. Thanks though. I gotta get going. Thank you for everything, Jack."

The door clicked shut, and I fell to the floor.

Don't leave me.. I can't do this on my own.

It was incredibly irrational to be upset that he had to get Izzy. He has responsibilities he has to take care of. I'm just afraid that he isn't going to come back. It was a bad idea to let him back in. I know he needs me, and I know he's sorry for everything he did, but it just hurts so damn much every time he leaves. He could easily just walk out on me again. He could just decide he's sick of me like he did last time. I can't handle being broken like that a second time. Last time it literally killed me.

I pulled myself up off of the floor and went to change my clothes. It was time to pay a visit to
May.

*May Pov*

"May your phone is ringing!" Marissa called from the other room.

"I'm sorry, I'm coming." I ran to the back room where my stuff was.

"It's Jack. You can take it." She handed me the phone.

"Thank you." I answered the phone. "Hey, Jacko. What's up?"

"Hey, May. Are you home right now?"

"No, I'm at work for another hour. What's the matter?"

"Oh, sorry. I didn't know you were working today. It's nothing. Just call me after you get off your shift."

"Really, it's fine. What's wrong? You don't sound okay, Jack."

"I just need to get out of here for a bit. It's complicated. You've missed a lot the last few days."

"Oh yeah, you never told me what happened at the party the other day! Hold on a second, Jay."

"Okay."

I walked to Marissa's office. "Hey, Jack is kind of having a life crisis at the moment. Is there any way-"

"Go. I can cover for you," she smiled, waving me off.

"Thank you so much!" I went back to the back room. "Hey, I'm getting off of work early. You can leave to come over now. I'll be home by the time you get there."

"Thanks, May." The line went dead.

"What would he do if you wouldn't have moved back here to Maryland?" I jumped at her voice.

"I don't know. He went to Alex's house the other day for a party. He never told me what happened, and he sounds pretty upset at the moment. I don't want to take any chances."

"Especially after what happened last time, I don't blame you."
I hugged her. "Thank you, Marissa."

"You're welcome. Now go before he beats you there," she laughed.

Thankfully I only lived 10 minutes away from the care center. Jack lived 20 minutes away, so that bought me some time. Thankfully there wasn't any traffic, so I got home in 10 minutes. That gave me time to pick up around the house a little bit before he came over.

I got most of the house cleaned up before I heard a knock at the door. I opened it to find a surprisingly clean Jack.

"Hey bro, I'm glad to see you finally cleaned up a bit." When I had seen him the week before, he hadn't showered in like a week, and his clothes were probably on their third cycle of being worn.

"I showered two days ago, and Alex did laundry," he explained.

"What do you mean 'Alex did laundry'? Wait a second, exactly how behind am I?" I dragged him to the couch in the living room. "First tell me what happened at the party. I'm guessing you ended up going."

He nodded his head. "Yeah. I managed to avoid him for most of the day until I had to use the bathroom. The bitch saw me sneaking out and went off on Alex. Then of course Alex and I got in a fight. I tried to leave peacefully, but he wasn't having it. He made a scene like he always does. He looked like shit though. His anxiety is so bad, May. It's worse now than I've ever seen it. He barely sleeps, and he constantly looks like he afraid that someone is going to take him. I mean, I guess that's what happens when you're constantly a prisoner to your own distorted mind, but he lives on his anxiety meds. He never used to take them unless he was really bad. It broke my heart. I can't stand seeing him like that."

"I'm so confused. Are you guys on good terms now or...?"

"I'm getting there," he snapped. "I tried to leave peacefully, but he kept trying to make a fight. Then he looked at Jax. Jax ran out to me and held on to me because he didn't want me to go. I physically saw Alex break a little. He told me I could stay and Lisa lost her shit. He finally told her off and said he wasn't going to have his kids hate him. May, she went off on him for having an anxiety attack during the party. She was throwing a fit saying he was making her look bad. It was awful. No one deserves to live like that."

"So you guys were good after that?"

"No. We were avoiding each other. Then Izzy told Alex that Lisa wanted the extra cups out of the pantry. So he went to get them. A moment later, Izzy told me that Alex couldn't reach and needed help. Naturally, I went in there to grab them, and the door slammed shut. Alex told me to get out, but the door was locked. He blamed me for closing the door, but I didn't touch it. We ended up screaming at each other and he called me a pathetic drunk, and I snapped and threw Tom in his face." My jaw dropped. Jack would never pull the Tom card. I didn't even have time to comment before he continued. "I didn't mean to. I regretted it as soon as I said it. It just came out. I was upset and I was trying to hurt him like he hurt me. I never meant to say that. He just fell apart after that. He was sitting on the floor sobbing and shaking. I felt horrible. I wasn't thinking, and I did the one thing that always makes him feel better. I held him. Or at least tried to. He fought me for a few seconds, but he ended up just collapsing against me. He was so broken, but he was so good at hiding it. He started to calm down, but he ended up freaking out on me again. Except this time, it was because he was sorry. He said he could never hate me, and we had a long talk about everything. He told me he couldn't tell me why he had to make me leave, but he said he didn't want to. Everything in me told me not to trust him, but it's Alex. I do trust him. So I believe him."

I knew exactly why he had to do it. I remember that night clear as day. I lost both of my little brothers. "So how did you guys get locked in the pantry?"

"Izzy locked us in there. She set the whole thing up because she was tired of us fighting. Surprisingly, we ended up sorta making up. We just sat there like that for a bit trying to figure out what went so wrong. He said he wanted us to be us again. The next night he called me a 3 in the morning. He had another night terror, but he didn't want to take his meds. I talked to him until he fell asleep. This morning I woke up to Alex standing next to my bed after he had dropped off the kids. The weird part was that I wasn't even really that startled. It just felt right having him there. Apparently he still had his key, and he had been over for like a half hour. He said something about being afraid to go back to sleep because of the nightmares. I let him climb into bed with me and we slept on our separate sides of the bed. I ended up waking up around noon to the smell of pancakes. He pulled me into the kitchen, and I noticed that he had done all of the dishes. Then he told me he did all of my laundry, too."

"So what's the problem if you guys are all good?"

"After we ate, Alex wanted to watch a movie. He let me win and we put on Home Alone. At first, we were sitting on the small electric couch, and we were just snuggling like we used to. Then he started freaking out about how he couldn't do this and that he couldn't just jump back in to how things used to be. So we sat on the other couch and he just laid with his head in my lap. He slept almost the entire movie. He looked so peaceful. I woke him up after the movie and he had to leave to get the kids, which is completely understandable, but once he walked out, I completely fell apart."

I honestly didn't even know what to say, so I just pulled him into a hug. Jack likes physical contact when he's upset.

"I just, I don't know." He had his head rested on my shoulder. "I'm so afraid, May. He could easily just leave me behind again. He could just change his mind that I'm too much of a hassle again. He could leave in a split second."

Memories of the hospital flashed through my mind. "Jack, I don't think Alex is going to go anywhere. If he's willing to sneak out to see you and jeopardize everything he's worked to hold on to, then I don't think he's going to leave. He really didn't want to hurt you like he did. I don't agree with what he did, and I'm still mad at him for what he did to you, but I get why he did it. I don't think you have anything to worry about."

He pulled away and looked at me. "What are you talking about? What do you mean he didn't want to hurt me? What do you know that I don't?"

"Jack, I want to tell you. I really do, but I can't. It's not my secret to tell."

"How do you even know what happened?"

"I guess I can tell you part of the story."

'It's been 2 days since Jack came over crying after the fight with Alex. I've never seen him so bad. I've seen Jack heartbroken before, but this, this was much worse. This was completely shattered. He was still incredibly upset when he left, but I haven't heard from him since. I was starting to get a bad feeling. Jacks not the type that would throw himself off of a bridge, but he was definitely a drinker. His drinking was always worse when he was upset. He hasn't left his house, so I know he hasn't been out at the bar, but I know he has quite the stash built up at his house.

I decided to call him.

Of course, no one answered. I called 3 times, and I still got nothing. Normally I'd just assume he's too drunk and lost his phone again (which he's done several times), but something didn't feel right. It's a 2 and a half hour train ride there, but I had to go see him. Something wasn't right.

I got off the train and quickly jumped in the cab that I called on the train. I was quite relieved to pull up to Jacks apartments and see his car in its spot. So at least if he is drinking, he isn't driving. That still didn't necessarily mean he was here though. I hesitantly rang the blank buzzer to his apartment. No answer. I tried again, but still no one answered. It was times like these that I was really happy I had a key to get into the building.

He's just sleeping. That's why he didn't answer. He's fine.

I stood outside of his door, my breath was caught in my throat. I was terrified of what I would find on the other side of the door. I swallowed hard and opened the door.

I was hit with the overwhelming scent of Jack Daniels and Stoli. Jack's two favorite drinks. I didn't see him anywhere, but the house was definitely destroyed. There were empty bottles everywhere. Some of them were busted, some of them were just knocked over. One of the dining room chairs was laying in the middle of the floor, it looked like someone had either fallen into it, or shoved it over. Jack wasn't an angry drunk or anything, but then again, I've never seen him so messed up before. There was no telling what he was capable of. I walked further into the apartment and closed the door. He didn't respond to the door making noise, so I suspected that he was passed out. The kitchen had quite a bit of glass shattered on the floor. I couldn't even tell if it was a glass or a bottle. I looked in the sink to see a mixture of dried up blood, water, and vomit in the side that didn't have dishes. It never went down the drain, so I was guessing that something was blocking the drain. I refused to stick my hand in I to drain it. It could wait a bit longer. I walked into the living room (It's on the other side of the kitchen), and I saw a bottle of Jack with a little bit left in the bottle. Next to it was a picture of him and Alex cuddling in their sleep from when they were teenagers. I remember taking that picture. Jack swore up and down that nothing was going on with Alex, so I decided to prove my suspicions. He's been completely honest about everything with Alex since then. I left the living room to check his bedroom. Sadly, he wasn't in there either. The only thing that I found was a shirt with a small amount of puke on the front. Jack never actually threw up on himself unless he was really messed up. Usually he always drunkenly tried to clean himself up, but he always made a bigger mess. "Oh my god."

I ran to the bathroom. Sure enough, I found something so horrible, that my worst nightmares couldn't even compare to the sight in front of me. There was a broken bottle of Absolut vodka next to the counter, judging from the amount of it on the floor, it was about halfway full when it fell. The toilet lid was up. I didn't even have to look to know that it would match the sink in the kitchen. There was blood smeared on the counter, mirror, and floor. The shower curtain was open and revealed a half full bubble bath. Jack is the only grown man I knew who took bubble baths by himself. The water had a slight pink tint, so I know that Jack had to of been in the water at some point. Despite the horrific state of the bathroom, it still wasn't the scariest thing in the room. Jack was sprawled halfway in the tub and halfway on the floor. He had a bottle of jack in hand, so I presume he was drinking it in the tub. I noticed his phone on the counter. He must've thrown it, and that probably knocked the vodka on the floor. He was mostly on his back in the water, but his head was propped up on the wall. It was dangerously close to the faucet. I stepped towards him, but I stepped in a giant puddle of soapy water. He must've fallen. I walked up to him and put my hand on his cheek. There was a little bit on blood smeared where it looked like he tried to scratch. He didn't react to my touch.

"Jack?" Nothing. "Jack wake up." I shook him, but he didn't react. I was starting to panic. I pressed my hand to his neck, but his pulse was so faint that I could barely feel it. I felt the tears slip down my cheek. "Jack! Please wake up!" I shook him again, harder this time. The bottle of Jack fell to the floor but stayed intact. I felt his chest. He was barely breathing. I grabbed my phone and dialed 911.

"911, what is your emergency?"

"I need an ambulance at 2128 Thames street. Third Floor. Apartment C-5."

"Okay, ma'am, they are on their way. Please tell me what is going on so I can inform the medics."

"It's- It's my little brother. He's passed out. He's bloody and barely breathing!" I rushed. I was crying so hard that I could barely understand myself. I was frantically looking around the bathroom trying to piece together the previous nights events when a small white bottle caught my eye. Tylenol.

"Ma'am? Are you still there?"

"Y-yeah. I just found an empty bottle of Tylenol by him. Oh my god. I- I-" I was starting to hyperventilate.

"It's okay, sweetie. Help is on its way. What is your name?"

"May. May Barakat."

"And your brothers name please?"

"Jack Barakat."

"The medics should be there any moment now. I want you to stay on the phone with me until they arrive."

"I- I- I can't." The reality started to set it. Jack took pills. He drank himself past the point of no return. "He- I-"

"May, everything will be alright. I need you to stay calm."
I heard a knock on the door. "They're here. Thank you." I hung up quickly and ran to the door. I threw it open to reveal 3 medics. "He's in the bathroom. Be careful of all of the glass."
I followed them to the scene. "Oh my goodness!" The only woman exclaimed. She turned to speak to me as the two men began to treat Jack. "Do you know what happened?"

"I- I-" I didn't want to say it. Then it would become real. She glanced down at the bottle in my hand.

"Oh honey, come here." There wasn't a lot of room for her to help the other two medics, so she helped calm me down instead. I didn't even have to tell her what happened. "Is there someone you'd like me to contact for him?"

I nodded, It would kill her, but I needed her, too. "My- my mom." She nodded and I dialed the number for her. Thankfully she didn't say the awful words to my mom. She just told her that he was going to the hospital.'

I didn't realize I had started to cry at the memory until I felt Jack hug me. "I'm so sorry, May."

"Do you even remember any of this?" He shook his head sadly. "Then I'll keep talking."

"You don't have to."

"Yes I do. You need to hear this."

'We all met up at the hospital, but my mom and I were not allowed to see him. I arrived about 10 minutes before her.

"May, what happened?"

I instantly broke down again. I didn't want to tell her. "Jack- um- he-" She pulled me in for a hug.

"You can tell me, May. It's okay."

"He- he- he tried to-" I choked on my own words.

She pulled back and looked at me with a serious face. "May, was this a suicide attempt?"
I knew she wanted me to say no. I knew she didn't want to accept the truth either. "I- I think so."
She closed her eyes a the tears began to spill down her cheeks. She always said she loved us equally, but Jack was a mama's boy. She was always a little bit closer to him than the rest of us.

"What happened to him, May?" I could tell she was trying to keep herself from breaking down.
"He used to be such a happy kid. What happened?"

I didn't want to tell her the truth, but I knew it was better than lying. "Alex." I gave her the details that Jack gave me and she finally broke down.

"How could he say such awful things to him? I thought he loved Jack."

"We all did, Mom. He lied. He fooled us all. He was just using him. He was using all of us."

"Now, May, does that even sound like Alex? You've known him forever. You've seen the way he looks at Jack. Does that make any sense?" I knew she wasn't going to want to believe it.

"No, but that's what happened. I'm calling him."

"May, it's the middle of the night."

"I don't care. He deserves to suffer. This is his fault."

"Please don't do this, May."

"No. I'm giving him a piece of my mind." My heartache was quickly replaced with anger.

The phone rang twice before he picked up.

"May?" He didn't even sound like he was sleeping. "What's going on? It's almost 4am."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Did I wake you up from your precious sleep?" I spat.

"What? No? What's wrong?"

"You're a monster!"

"May. I'm serious. Whats wrong?"

"You! You're what's wrong!" I was crying hysterically again.

His voice suddenly sounded very thin. "What do you mean I'm what's wrong?"

"You get to sit at home all cozy while Jack is in the hospital!"

"What- what do you m-mean he's in the hospital?" He sounded very scared. Good.

"Why don't you come up here and find out for yourself!?."

"No," he gasped quietly. The pieces were falling into place. I heard the phone hit the ground on the other end of the line. A bigger thump echoed seconds later.

My mother took the phone and hung up. "Keep your voice down! I know you're upset. So am I. Screaming isn't going to make it any better." She spoke calmly and rationally as always.

"I don't want to lose him, Mom."

"Me either, Hun, but we just have to stay faithful."

It was about 10 more minutes before a nurse came to get us.

"He's not completely stable, but you can see him now."

She lead us to the small room where another nurse was finishing hooking up some IV's.
He had cuts all over his arms, bruises on his torso, and a cut down the side of his face.

"We removed a lot of glass from the cuts on his arms. It looks like it was from falling, but considering the circumstances, they very well could have been self inflicted. On top of taking way more than the prescribed dose of painkillers, we also suspect that he may have had alcohol poisoning, so we made sure to pump his stomach and give him some charcoal."

My mom and I had the same confused face.

"Charcoal has medicinal benefits to the stomach. It will help him feel better a bit quicker. I'm not quite sure when he'll wake up though. We can't tell if he's out because of the alcohol or if it was from falling. Judging by the damage, all of the alcohol found in the apartment must have been consumed over a couple days. If it would have been all at once, he would've been long gone before you had found him. If he isn't up within the hour we will take him for a scan. Any questions?"

We shook our heads and she left. I finally got to take in my brothers state. They cleaned him up really well, so he looked nothing like the scene I found in the bathroom. Thankfully, the damage wasn't as bad as I thought. I mean, it was still pretty bad, but he no longer looked like he was going to die.

"Mom?"

"Yes, May?"

"I- I think I'm gonna move back to Baltimore. I want to be closer to you guys."

My mom smiled. "You can come back home if you want. Well, until you find a place of your own. I doubt you want to live with your father and I forever, haha."

My mom had the same habit of joking at inappropriate times. I was pretty sure that that was where Jack had gotten it from, but considering the circumstances, it made me feel a little bit better. "Thank you, mom. I'll definitely take you up on that."

A moment later, the doctor walked in. "I take it you must be May and Joyce. I'm Dr. Miles." He shook both of our hands. "After careful thought, we've decided that it will be best to keep him under surveillance for 72 hours on the 3rd floor. Just as a precaution. So after he's stable and able to move around and what not, we will move him. Once we move him, you won't be able to see him for more than an hour at a time, one person at a time, and you cannot bring anything in with you."

"So you're putting my baby brother in the nut ward?"

"We'll actually, it's the inpatient observation floor for psychiatric care."

"So, the nut ward," I confirmed.

"Do I need to fill out any paperwork for him?" My mom asked quietly.

"No, ma'am. He's not a minor, and considering he was brought in by ambulance, we have probable cause enough to keep him without paperwork." She nodded.

I zoned out for the rest of the conversation. I kept thinking about everything that had lead up to this point. How could Alex hurt him like this?

I felt someone shaking me. "May, wake up." It was my mom.

"You fell asleep a couple hours ago. It doesn't look like he's going to be waking up any time soon, so I'm gonna go run to Tim Hortons. Do you want anything?"

I shook my head. "I thought they were taking him for a scan?"

"They said with the improvement in his vitals, that they were gonna wait a bit to do it. Give him a bit more time. Anyway, I'll be back in a bit."

Over the course of 10 minutes, 3 different nurses had come in and checked his vitals. There was still no change. Come on, Jack. Wake up already.

Something made me look over at the door, and there was a very disheveled Alex leaning against the frame. He had a beanie on, but I could still see his greasy hair sticking out. His clothes were obviously dirty, it looked like he hadn't changed his clothes or showered in days. His face was puffy, and he had tear stains on his cheeks. The circles under his eyes were darker than his black sweats. I instantly recognized the wrinkled Ravens hoodie that he was wearing. Jack had been looking for it for almost a month. He clearly hadn't slept in days. His face was sunken in, and his skin was so pale it was almost gray. He looked like a walking corpse. I'm not gonna lie when I say it was satisfying knowing that he was suffering too. He deserved it.

"Are you happy with yourself?" He didn't reply, he just continued staring blankly at Jack. "This is all your fault." I could faintly see tears welling up in his eyes. Good. He deserved to feel pain.

"May..." His voice was barely above a whisper.

"Take a good look, Alex. They said he might not wake up." I could see him shaking.

"May..." This time his voice cracked. He finally walked in, weakly collapsing into the chair beside me, his face in his hands. He made no sound, but I could tell from shaking that he was sobbing. After a few moments, he looked up at me. "Wh-what hap-penned?" I could barely understand him.

"He tried to kill himself. He drank himself to the point of no return. He took a shit ton of pain killers. They said it looked like he cut himself up pretty bad, too." He continued sobbing and began pulling at his hair. He could no longer look at me. He was mumbling to himself.

"I- I never- m-meant for this to- to happen," he cried, his voice squeaking with every breath.

"Well what did you expect? He loved you more than anything else in the world. He trusted you with everything in him. He gave you everything. As if it wasn't bad enough that you threw it in his face by getting engaged after promising him you wouldn't jeopardize losing him, but then you blatantly turned your back on him. You got married. He stayed by your side despite how much pain he was in. You had kids. He stayed by your side and helped you take care of them when it was too much for you. He fought so hard to make sure you were happy. Then you tell him that you were just using him for sex. That he meant nothing to you. You made him feel like a mistake. Just garbage that had been in the garage for too long. A burden. He couldn't do it anymore. You broke him. No, let me rephrase that. You killed him." Every conversation that we'd had came back to me. I couldn't get the sound of Jack sobbing on the phone out of my head. He took the train to see me so many times just because he needed someone to hug him and tell him that he was going to be okay. He shared everything with me, and now it was time to make Alex pay for what he'd done.

"Stop! Stop it! J-just please! Stop!" He was crumbling beside me.

"Why? Can't handle the truth? How do you think it feels to the people that actually love him?"

"I DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT!" He screamed, suddenly jerking to stand up in front of me. "DO YOU HONESTLY THINK FOR TWO FUCKING SECONDS THAT I MEANT ANY OF THAT?"

He went from being shattered to completely livid. Alex doesn't normally yell, so I couldn't help but lean back a bit into the flimsy chair.

"What do you mean you didn't want to?"

He sat back down. "I had to do it. I do love Jack. I've been thinking about him non-stop since the fight. He has to hate me. I had to make up something to make him hate me. I had to make him never want to see me again. I've been so fucked up that I'm barely even here anymore. I've literally laid in a dark bathroom sobbing until I puked. I've lost almost 10 pounds in less than a week. I haven't eaten in days. The only reason I'm moving is because I keep forcing myself to drink water and juice. I had to do it, May. I never would've hurt him if I had a choice."

"Why did you do it then?"

"You have to swear to keep it to yourself. Jack can't know. No one else can know."

I nodded.'

"I can't tell you why he did it. I can promise you that he will tell you when he can. I'm still mad about what he did, but I don't hold it against him. I can just tell you that he had his reasons. He was genuinely upset about the whole thing. I've never seen him so broken in my entire life. I don't think he's going anywhere any time soon, Jack." He was staring blankly at the floor.

"I don't know, May. Alex is a great liar. Trust me."

"Maybe I should finish the story then."

'I couldn't stay mad at Alex. I didn't like it, but I decided to forgive him.

"Come here, Alex." I pulled him in for a hug. I could instantly feel how cold and fragile he was.

"I'll never be able to forgive myself, May. Especially if he doesn't wake up."

"He'll wake up. He'll be fine. He's strong. He's a Barakat. Barakat's don't just give up."

I saw my mom peek her head in around the door frame. The look on her face was sheer disappointment.

"May, can I speak to you outside for a moment?"

I nodded and let go of Alex. I didn't even get outside before I was met with "What the hell is going on here, May?!"

I turned so her back was towards the door frame and I could sneak glances inside. As I explained what Alex had told me, her mouth fell open in shock.

Alex stood up and walked next to the hospital bed. He hovered his hand above Jack's, afraid to touch him. I could tell he was talking, but I couldn't make out what his words were.

"I told you that didn't sound like Alex. I knew there had to be some other reason," she concluded.

My mom turned to look into the room. Alex was on the other side of the bed, hand reaching out towards Jack's face. I could just make out, "I'm so sorry, Jacky."

The second his hand made contact, all hell broke loose.

The heart monitor screeched, causing us all to jump. His heart stopped again. My mom and I rushed back in and Alex had his hands in the air. Nurses flooded the room.

"I- I swear I didn't d-do-" a nurse pushed him out of the way before he could finish.

They had warned us that he might fade out again. They had been having a hard time keeping him stable.

My mom and I sat in horror as the CPR failed. This might be the time they can't get him back.

"Doc, are you getting anything?" One of the nurses questioned.

"Nothing. Not even a faint pulse. Get the Defibrillator."

"Sir?" I looked over to see a nurse holding on to Alex. The color was completely gone from his face. His lips were turning blue. He was shaking so bad that the nurse was practically holding him up.

"CLEAR!" The first shock had the same results. Nothing.

I ran over to Alex to help the nurse support his weight. Tears were streaming down his face. I could hear him hyperventilating.

"He's- Gone."

Alex collapsed next to me.

"CLEAR!" They zapped Jack again. "I HAVE A FAINT PULSE!"

Alex wasn't breathing. "Doc! He's not breathing over here!" I didn't even notice I was crying. I was losing both of my little brothers. "His heart rate is so high that I can't even count it."

The doctor knelt down next to Alex and felt for a pulse in his neck.

"It stopped," they exclaimed simultaneously. They started performing CPR on him. The rush of nurses turned their attention to Alex. I looked over at my mom. She was gently running her hand through Jack's hair like she did when he was a child.

"Nothing yet." The doctor announced.

"Alex, wake up! He's okay! He's alive, Alex! Please, wake up!" I didn't know if it would work, but I had a small suspicion that he could hear me.

After a few more moments, his heart started again. I began crying even harder. I had literally just watched both of my little brothers die and be revived. They picked him up and laid him in the vacant bed on the other side of the curtain.

"When he wakes up, let us know. We just want to make sure he didn't hit his head when he fell." I nodded and went to join my mom next to Jack's bed.'

"So I wasn't crazy!" Jack suddenly yelled, pulling me from my memory.

"What are you talking about?"

"When I woke up, I remember thinking that Alex was there. You guys told me I was imagining it. I could sense him. I knew he was there. Or at least I knew that he had been there."

"Oh. We would've told you the truth, but we didn't want you to get your hopes up that he would come back. I'm sorry, Jacko."

"I saw him, May." I tilted my head in confusion. He suddenly looked very serious. "I saw him after my heart stopped. He was holding me, apologizing. He told me he loved me. He was begging me to stay with him. Then he was gone. Everything went black again. That must have been when my heart restarted. I had no idea that he died that night, too."

"I honestly believe that if you never would have woken up, he wouldn't have either. He would've given up."

I could visibly see him flinch. "I'm so fucked up, May." He dropped his head in his hands.

"No you're not."

"I'm in love with my best friend. My married best friend. He has children. He has everything. I've done nothing with my life since he got married. I literally threw my life away because it hurt too much to do anything else. I let myself become an alcoholic because I couldn't make myself stop. I almost killed my best friend because I'm a weak piece of shit that tried to take the easy way out."

"Jack, none of that is true and you know it. The only reason I told you that is because you're worried that he's going to leave again. I'm reassuring you that he isn't going to leave. He couldn't even leave then." We both fell silent. "Can I tell you something, Jack?" He looked up at me. "I lied to you."

"About what?"

"I told you that I hadn't spoken to Alex since the incident. I have. I've kept in touch with him ever since the night in the hospital. He wanted to check up on you. He texted me at least once a week to see how you were. He called me countless times crying because he was so miserable. Every once in a while he would make a surprise appearance at my door. That only happened if he was really bad though. It was always the same thing. He begged me to talk him out of doing anything stupid. He missed you so much, Jack. He's not going anywhere. I can promise you that." Jack was silent. "Things are going to be okay, Jack. You guys are gonna be okay."

Jack's text tone began going off. The glint in his eye told me all I needed. It was Alex. "He- He said Lisa is going out of town this weekend for a business trip."

"Oh? Does he need a babysitter?" I wiggled my eyebrows suggestively.

"He wants me to stay over for the weekend."

Notes

I WARNED YOU THIS CHATPER WAS A SHIT STORM. Is anyone even reading this? Please comment, rate, and subscribe. I really hope I get all of my stats back on this story with the new account. I hope anyone who has stuck around to read this is enjoying it. I really like this story, and I'm glad I decided to share it with people. I have a lot of chapters written already, but I want to space out the updates so I don't run out of stuff to post while I'm working on new chapters. Anyway, enjoy!

-Em