On my mind
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Mentions self harm and eating habits
Jack's POV
"Mum seriously there is nothing wrong." I said since I was sat at the table while mum was making me something to eat since I haven't eaten since yesterday.
"Really? You haven't eaten since yesterday and even then you hardly ate anything." Mum said and she turned round and looked at me.
"I wasn't hungry, anyway I had to get some stuff sorted for Alex." I said and mum sighed.
"Jack you need to focus on yourself, more than focusing on Alex." Mum said and I rolled my eyes.
"I'm fine, everything is still as how it was before I met Alex." I said as mum put a sandwich in front of me which made me want to gag and push it away but I had to show mum that there was nothing wrong.
"If everything is fine then how come you've started to wear your hoodies and shirts again. Are you self harming again?" Mum said and I looked at her.
"Seriously? So I start wearing shirts and hoodies and everyone thinks that I'm self harming again. That's not the case." I said.
"Well that's what you did before. You are starting to hide things from us again Jack, are you getting bad again? Be serious here Jack." Mum said and she sat at the table.
"That was before, what have you always told me? Look for the future and not in the past, guess that's a load of bullshit to you. So do you want me to go and strip down to my pants so you can actually see that I haven't been self harming and that I am not losing weigh!" I spat and pushed the food away from me, stood up and walked up to my room and sat on my bed trying not to do anything as I knew mum would walk into my room at any moment.
"Jack!" Mum said after me as she walked up the stairs and walked into my room.
I looked at her and I could see the hurt on her face.
"What? You just going to stand there and tell me about what I have just said was a load of lies or what?" I said sarcastically and mum looked down and she walked over to my bed and sat on it.
"I'm not going to say anything like that. But I'm worried about you Jack, we all are. After what happened between you and Samir and Omar still missing I can understand if your angry at all of us because we've been focused on finding Omar." Mum said.
"So what your saying is that I'm angry because I'm not the center of attention because that's not the fucking case. I'm angry because you all think Im getting bad again when I'm not. I am fucking fine and yeah I'm pissed of at Samir because of what he did to me because all I wanted today know where Omar was." I said seriously and got off my bed and pulled a jacket on.
"Jack where you going?" Mum asked.
"To go and see Alex." I said and walked towards the door but somehow mum managed to get to the door before I did.
"You are not going to see him Jack. That boy is trouble and you know this and yet you still choose to hang around him and his other friend." Mum said and I rolled my eyes.
"I am going to see him, you are not going to stop me. Alex isn't trouble if he stays on his medication then he's just like me off his medication yeah his different but that shouldn't matter to you because you should be happy I actually have friends for once in my life! But because you don't approve of Alex you don't want me to be friends with him!" I said slowly losing my cool.
"You say that and then he'll hurt you and then who are you going to run too? Me! You'll come running to me crying your eyes out about it! Can't you see I'm trying to protect you!" Mum said.
I walked towards her and since I was taller than her I just towered over her.
"Next time I won't go running to you. I'll go running to my blades instead how about that." I said quietly and mum got out of my way and I walked off and went to see Alex.
"So if I keep this up I'll be out of here by next week." Alex said with a huge smile on his face and I could t help but smile a little at this.
"That's great to hear Alex." I said quietly and just picked at his bed covers.
"Hey is everything okay?" Alex asked seriously and I nodded.
"Don't bullshit to me Jack, I can see you are not okay." Alex said and I just sighed.
"Everyone thinks I'm getting bad again." I said quietly.
"And are you? Look you don't have to lie to me Jack, hell Im in inpatients right now out of us two your aren't the fucked one." Alex said and I smiled slightly.
"I don't know Alex. Yeah I admit my habits I had are slowly surfacing again but I don't feel like I'm getting bad." I said deciding not to lie to Alex as he would find another way to get the answer out of me.
"Just so fed up with everyone riding my ass asking me questions and then when I decide I want to wear something different that's it I'm self harming again and all that shit." I ranted and looked at Alex.
"Sorry I don't mean to rant at you, you've got your own problems to worry about." I said quietly as I looked down again and Alex chuckled quietly.
"Rant away, I'm pretty much problem free at the moment so I'm free to listen to your problems." Alex said and he looked at me and he smiled.
"But I feel like I'm putting more stuff on top of what you have ticking in your head." I said and Alex put his finger on my lips which made me look at Alex again.
"Don't worry about me, I'm good at the moment so you can talk to me and I'll try and help you the best I can." Alex said quietly and I just sighed.
"When did you start feeling bad again?" Alex asked softly.
"Before Samir pushed me down the stairs. Ollie caught me doing one of the things I need to do so I don't freak out." I said quietly and looked back down again.
"Remeber Ollie saying something about that. But it hasn't gotten any worse has it?" Alex asked and I just shurgged my shoulders.
"I find myself looking in the mirror more and finding all the faults and I've started to do more exercise than what I did when in recovery. I find myself wanting to self harm more, sorry if that makes you triggered or whatever." I said and looked at Alex who had a worried look on his face.
"Christ don't look at me like that you're beginning to look like my mum." I said and Alex frowned at me.
We sat in silence for a while and it was starting to bug me.
"Please say something." I whispered and Alex made me look at him.
"I'm sorry." Alex said softly which made me look down but Alex made me look at him again.
"Your eyes are gorgeous. Has anybody ever told you that." Alex whispered which made my cheeks heat up and Alex chuckle.
"Now you might find this stupid but your nose is cute." Alex said and I looked at him.
"No it's not, it's huge and out of line with my face." I said and Alex smiled.
"Now that's where I will disagree with you because it means I can do this." Alex said and he moved and he kissed the end of my nose.
"Why did you do that for?" I said but it came out more as a giggle which made Alex smile.
"Because you are very cute. I couldn't resist." Alex said with this cocky smile on his face.
"I'm not that cute." I said quietly and look down but again Alex made me look at him.
"You fucking shitting me?" Alex asked and I shook my head.
"Well that has made it very clear to me that you have been with somebody who made you feel very little about yourself. Somebody who put you down so much that you don't even believe how beautiful you really are." Alex said and I moved my head out of Alex's hold and looked down.
"It doesn't matter." I whispered.
Alex stayed quiet and we sat in silence for while.
"I wasn't always like this." I said as I cuddled into Alex's side and he messed with my hair as we had moved from his room to outside where in our own way was watching the sunset.
"What happened?" Alex asked softly.
"I was with someone and they always picked the faults and never the good and that's how my BDD developed because I thought they loved me but they never did. Now I have to live with the fact that I have a mental health problem and it was all their fault." I said quietly and moved away from Alex and looked down and I felt Alex put his hand on my knee.
"How old was you?" Alex asked.
"I was 14 and the other person was 16. I was diagnosed with BDD 2 months before I was 16 after I had a serious breakdown and fainted on the bus while I was running away from home so I was forced to go into inpatients because I was seriously underweight and had infected cuts." I said quietly and I felt Alex squeeze my knee which made me look at him.
"That part of your life doesn't matter anymore. You have your whole future to look forward too and we have many more sunsets to watch." Alex said and I smiled.
"This you asking me out?" I asked and Alex chuckled and shook his head.
"No, not yet but as soon as I get out of here I'm going to take you on a proper date because being in inpatients kinda fuck things up a little but I'll soon be free after 4 months." Alex said and I chuckled.
"I'll look forward to it." I said and kissed Alex's cheek and Alex smiled so I just rested my head on his shoulder and we watched the sunset the best we could before we went inside and I went home.
Jack's POV
"Mum seriously there is nothing wrong." I said since I was sat at the table while mum was making me something to eat since I haven't eaten since yesterday.
"Really? You haven't eaten since yesterday and even then you hardly ate anything." Mum said and she turned round and looked at me.
"I wasn't hungry, anyway I had to get some stuff sorted for Alex." I said and mum sighed.
"Jack you need to focus on yourself, more than focusing on Alex." Mum said and I rolled my eyes.
"I'm fine, everything is still as how it was before I met Alex." I said as mum put a sandwich in front of me which made me want to gag and push it away but I had to show mum that there was nothing wrong.
"If everything is fine then how come you've started to wear your hoodies and shirts again. Are you self harming again?" Mum said and I looked at her.
"Seriously? So I start wearing shirts and hoodies and everyone thinks that I'm self harming again. That's not the case." I said.
"Well that's what you did before. You are starting to hide things from us again Jack, are you getting bad again? Be serious here Jack." Mum said and she sat at the table.
"That was before, what have you always told me? Look for the future and not in the past, guess that's a load of bullshit to you. So do you want me to go and strip down to my pants so you can actually see that I haven't been self harming and that I am not losing weigh!" I spat and pushed the food away from me, stood up and walked up to my room and sat on my bed trying not to do anything as I knew mum would walk into my room at any moment.
"Jack!" Mum said after me as she walked up the stairs and walked into my room.
I looked at her and I could see the hurt on her face.
"What? You just going to stand there and tell me about what I have just said was a load of lies or what?" I said sarcastically and mum looked down and she walked over to my bed and sat on it.
"I'm not going to say anything like that. But I'm worried about you Jack, we all are. After what happened between you and Samir and Omar still missing I can understand if your angry at all of us because we've been focused on finding Omar." Mum said.
"So what your saying is that I'm angry because I'm not the center of attention because that's not the fucking case. I'm angry because you all think Im getting bad again when I'm not. I am fucking fine and yeah I'm pissed of at Samir because of what he did to me because all I wanted today know where Omar was." I said seriously and got off my bed and pulled a jacket on.
"Jack where you going?" Mum asked.
"To go and see Alex." I said and walked towards the door but somehow mum managed to get to the door before I did.
"You are not going to see him Jack. That boy is trouble and you know this and yet you still choose to hang around him and his other friend." Mum said and I rolled my eyes.
"I am going to see him, you are not going to stop me. Alex isn't trouble if he stays on his medication then he's just like me off his medication yeah his different but that shouldn't matter to you because you should be happy I actually have friends for once in my life! But because you don't approve of Alex you don't want me to be friends with him!" I said slowly losing my cool.
"You say that and then he'll hurt you and then who are you going to run too? Me! You'll come running to me crying your eyes out about it! Can't you see I'm trying to protect you!" Mum said.
I walked towards her and since I was taller than her I just towered over her.
"Next time I won't go running to you. I'll go running to my blades instead how about that." I said quietly and mum got out of my way and I walked off and went to see Alex.
"So if I keep this up I'll be out of here by next week." Alex said with a huge smile on his face and I could t help but smile a little at this.
"That's great to hear Alex." I said quietly and just picked at his bed covers.
"Hey is everything okay?" Alex asked seriously and I nodded.
"Don't bullshit to me Jack, I can see you are not okay." Alex said and I just sighed.
"Everyone thinks I'm getting bad again." I said quietly.
"And are you? Look you don't have to lie to me Jack, hell Im in inpatients right now out of us two your aren't the fucked one." Alex said and I smiled slightly.
"I don't know Alex. Yeah I admit my habits I had are slowly surfacing again but I don't feel like I'm getting bad." I said deciding not to lie to Alex as he would find another way to get the answer out of me.
"Just so fed up with everyone riding my ass asking me questions and then when I decide I want to wear something different that's it I'm self harming again and all that shit." I ranted and looked at Alex.
"Sorry I don't mean to rant at you, you've got your own problems to worry about." I said quietly as I looked down again and Alex chuckled quietly.
"Rant away, I'm pretty much problem free at the moment so I'm free to listen to your problems." Alex said and he looked at me and he smiled.
"But I feel like I'm putting more stuff on top of what you have ticking in your head." I said and Alex put his finger on my lips which made me look at Alex again.
"Don't worry about me, I'm good at the moment so you can talk to me and I'll try and help you the best I can." Alex said quietly and I just sighed.
"When did you start feeling bad again?" Alex asked softly.
"Before Samir pushed me down the stairs. Ollie caught me doing one of the things I need to do so I don't freak out." I said quietly and looked back down again.
"Remeber Ollie saying something about that. But it hasn't gotten any worse has it?" Alex asked and I just shurgged my shoulders.
"I find myself looking in the mirror more and finding all the faults and I've started to do more exercise than what I did when in recovery. I find myself wanting to self harm more, sorry if that makes you triggered or whatever." I said and looked at Alex who had a worried look on his face.
"Christ don't look at me like that you're beginning to look like my mum." I said and Alex frowned at me.
We sat in silence for a while and it was starting to bug me.
"Please say something." I whispered and Alex made me look at him.
"I'm sorry." Alex said softly which made me look down but Alex made me look at him again.
"Your eyes are gorgeous. Has anybody ever told you that." Alex whispered which made my cheeks heat up and Alex chuckle.
"Now you might find this stupid but your nose is cute." Alex said and I looked at him.
"No it's not, it's huge and out of line with my face." I said and Alex smiled.
"Now that's where I will disagree with you because it means I can do this." Alex said and he moved and he kissed the end of my nose.
"Why did you do that for?" I said but it came out more as a giggle which made Alex smile.
"Because you are very cute. I couldn't resist." Alex said with this cocky smile on his face.
"I'm not that cute." I said quietly and look down but again Alex made me look at him.
"You fucking shitting me?" Alex asked and I shook my head.
"Well that has made it very clear to me that you have been with somebody who made you feel very little about yourself. Somebody who put you down so much that you don't even believe how beautiful you really are." Alex said and I moved my head out of Alex's hold and looked down.
"It doesn't matter." I whispered.
Alex stayed quiet and we sat in silence for while.
"I wasn't always like this." I said as I cuddled into Alex's side and he messed with my hair as we had moved from his room to outside where in our own way was watching the sunset.
"What happened?" Alex asked softly.
"I was with someone and they always picked the faults and never the good and that's how my BDD developed because I thought they loved me but they never did. Now I have to live with the fact that I have a mental health problem and it was all their fault." I said quietly and moved away from Alex and looked down and I felt Alex put his hand on my knee.
"How old was you?" Alex asked.
"I was 14 and the other person was 16. I was diagnosed with BDD 2 months before I was 16 after I had a serious breakdown and fainted on the bus while I was running away from home so I was forced to go into inpatients because I was seriously underweight and had infected cuts." I said quietly and I felt Alex squeeze my knee which made me look at him.
"That part of your life doesn't matter anymore. You have your whole future to look forward too and we have many more sunsets to watch." Alex said and I smiled.
"This you asking me out?" I asked and Alex chuckled and shook his head.
"No, not yet but as soon as I get out of here I'm going to take you on a proper date because being in inpatients kinda fuck things up a little but I'll soon be free after 4 months." Alex said and I chuckled.
"I'll look forward to it." I said and kissed Alex's cheek and Alex smiled so I just rested my head on his shoulder and we watched the sunset the best we could before we went inside and I went home.
I really like the chapters and how long they are, great work! Can't wait for the Jalex to happen!
8/5/17