“Underneath the lights of the motorway, that’s where I go to keep your ghost away. We used to be such a burning flame, now we’re just smoke in the summer rain.”


The day of the Gaslight Anthem concert dragged on forever, I tried so hard to be hyped up for our set but all I could think about was taking Caroline out. I planned to take her out for dinner before the show, then we would walk to the venue together. The restaurant we would go to would be laid back, nothing romantic because this couldn’t seem like a date. I didn’t want Caroline to feel pressured, but I really wanted it to be a date. I kept hoping she would reveal some kind of love for me back, but it never happened; hopefully tonight would be the night.
As the day finally came to an end, I tried not to run to Caroline’s bus to get her. When she came outside, I had to refrain myself from bringing her back inside and doing unspeakable things to her. She was wearing high wasted leather pants and a white tank top, her black bra showing from underneath.
“Ready to go?” she smiles at me, and I thought I would die.
“For sure. You look nice tonight.” Definitely an understatement.
“I look good every night.”
I laugh and shake my head. Ain’t that the damn truth.
Our Uber picks us up, and takes us to downtown Houston, leaving us at the nearest Chipotle. That’s what Caroline wanted and she got it. Perfect for a “friend date”. She’s silent during our meal and I wonder what she’s thinking about. I start to get nervous because she’s never quiet for so long.
“So, are you pretty excited for the show?” I ask, hoping to kick start a conversation.
“Definitely.” She responds, and takes a big bite of her burrito. I decide to leave it silent for a while. After we eat, we stop by a bar and get a few drinks and play a round of pool; I let her beat me and that gets her talking.
“Ha! In your face! I can’t believe I finally beat you at something!” She’s dancing around me, and I start to think it’s just the beers but she’s cute, so I’ll take it.
We get to the venue and go through the motions, waiting in line, scanning our tickets, finding a place to stand for the show. I can tell Caroline is disinterested with the opening bands, but she still nods her head to the beat in respect. Whenever Gaslight finally came on, her demeanor completely shifted. She danced, she sang, she cried, she even grabbed my hand a few times whenever she got really excited. Whenever they played their song “Mae”, I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. She sang every word flawlessly, never missing a beat. I never wanted to kiss her more than now. But that fucking promise hung around in the air, and I couldn’t do it. I wanted to kill the man who did this to her, the man who killed my chance to be with the girl I loved. I wanted to kiss her, I wanted to tell her I loved her more than anything, to promise I would never hurt her, I would always be for her and no one else. I wanted to be hers. But Caroline was her own, and that’s all she would ever be.

The drive home is quiet as we try to come down from the high of the concert. I can hear her breathing calm down, almost like she’s falling asleep. I’m about to do the same when she speaks up.
“Excuse me? Can you pull over here? I’ll pay extra if you wait for a minute.”
I listen to her go on with the driver about how she won’t be long, and it’ll be a really nice tip.
“What’s going on, Caroline?” My voice is heavy with concern.
“Follow me.” She says and gets out of the car, running into the woods along the highway.
“Caroline, what the hell?” I call out as I chase after her. She’s got to be out of her fucking mind.
“Hurry up! It should be right here somewhere!”
Whenever I finally catch up to her, she’s standing at the opening of the walkway over the interstate, trying to catch her breath. “What the hell? Are you still drunk?” I ask her.
“Definitely not. I’ve always wanted to go in one of these.” She stares at the steps, pondering if she should even do it. I look over at the caged bridge, it’s rusty and looks like no one has been up here for years. I reach to grab her hand but she’s already halfway up the steps.
“Caroline!”
“Don’t be a pussy, Alex!”
I take a deep breath and follow her up.
“Wow.” She gasped, taking in the view. It was around one in the morning, and the traffic had died down quite a bit. Yet still a few late night traveler’s making their way to their destinations lit up the highway, headlights dying off in the distance. “This is beautiful. What do you think?”
I watched the wind blow her long brown hair into her face and thought no matter how pretty the view, she was all the more beautiful. “It’s amazing.”
She looked up at me, tears forming in her eyes.
“Are you okay?” I could feel some kind of tension forming between us and it made me nervous, like I had done something wrong. Maybe I had been too pushy tonight, maybe this was a mistake; I crossed the line by taking her out. I braced myself for the end of it all.
“Alex…” she whispered so softly I almost missed it, then she turned to me, and placed her fingertips on my jawline, tracing them down my skin. Her touch sent electricity down my spine. The realization of her body language and what she was doing sent me into panic mode.
“Caroline, you don’t have to-“ She cut me off with her lips against mine, standing on her toes to barely brush them together. I turned my body to face hers, and it was like a green light for her. She deepened the kiss and I felt like my body was going to explode. I’ve never had a kiss like this before, one you could feel all over, on every inch of your body. I put my arms around her slowly to make sure it was okay and she welcomed my embrace. When our tongues met, I had to fight back every urge to press her up against the wall, to take her clothes off, to fully see her. But I knew Caroline, and I knew it took every ounce of bravery in her to kiss me, so I let her do just that. I needed her to feel safe with me, she had to know I could never abandon her. I had to show her somehow.
The remainder of the night, we made out. We kissed in our driver’s car, and I made a mental note to add to his tip for having to endure this. Caroline’s hand made it’s way into my lap, the closeness of it to my dick made me involuntarily moan against her lips. She squeezed my thigh, and I thought I would die if I didn’t have her in my bed tonight. We kissed outside of her tour bus for a while, and I dreamed that she would let me come in. But she didn’t, when she pulled away she looked defeated.
Her lips were red and swollen, and she pouted a little making me want to kiss her more. But it was over for the night.
“What does this mean for us, Caroline?” I whispered, pushing a strand of hair back behind her ear.
“I don’t know, Alex…” She whispered back, breathlessly. I could see a fresh pool of tears filling her eyes, and I could tell she was scared now and it burned me inside that she could feel that way.
“I love you.” I said it, and I knew now I wouldn’t be able to stop. “God, I love you, Caroline. I swear to God…it’s me and you forever, if you’ll have me.” My voice shook on my last words, but I didn’t care. If I was going to cry, it was going to happen and I didn’t care if I looked like a major pussy; she had to know.
“I’ll never hurt you. I’ll always be for you. I know it’s only been two months but I’ve never felt something so extraordinary. Everything is so different with you.”
She reached out and wiped away a tear that slipped out of my eye, and kissed me softly one more time.
“Goodnight.” She whispered against my lips, her voice breaking. She went inside, and my feet felt glued to where I was standing. I felt like I waiting for her to come back for an hour and tell me she felt the same. I knew I had fucked up. What had I done?

Notes