Dirty Laundry

Leaving out the back of the venue, Brian put on his sunglasses, pulled his beanie down low and pushed the hood on his sweatshirt up. He knew there would be fans around the venue already and hated having to deny anyone for a picture or an autograph but knowing the conversation he was about to have, his heart just wasn’t in it and he didn’t want to ruin someone’s experience with him if they noticed him. He knew a beanie and a hood wouldn’t make him invisible but he hoped he’d at least blend.

Riley on the other hand just had her sunglasses on because of the bright sun. Fans really didn’t know who she was since she didn’t allow Alex to post about her or Summer on social media. In the beginning, she claimed it was because she ran a business and had a child and didn’t need unnecessary attention to be out there. Later Alex came to the conclusion on his own that Riley also didn’t want any pictures of her to get back to anyone she knew back home.

Alex managed to post about Riley and Summer a bunch of times though - finding a loop hole in the system. He’d only post the picture if their faces were hidden. There was a lot of pictures posted of Summer from behind and the side of Riley’s face. He never posted their names or tagged Riley’s personal Instagram (which was set to private, was under a username that spelled her name out in scrambled letters and her profile picture was the symbol of the Deathly Hallows from Harry Potter.)

The walk to the Starbucks was short but quiet. Both Riley and Brian were overthinking every single thing they wanted to make sure they said to each other.

Entering the building, Riley spotted an empty table towards the back and immediately started to make her way towards it. Only after a few steps could she sense that Brian was no longer behind her. She turned around and found him staring up at the menu above the counter.

“If we’re going to sit in here, we should probably order something,” he said with a shrug. Riley agreed and got on line behind him.

After ordering himself a Venti-Iced-Black-Coffee with one sugar, Brian turned to ask Riley what she wanted but she had already ordered her Grande-Iced-Peach-Green-Tea-Lemonade, no sugar, light ice with the second barista.

“If I would have known your Starbucks order hadn’t changed a bit, I would have just ordered for you,” Brian said, trying to lighten the mood as they waited for their beverages.

Riley laughed softly. “I see you finally stopped pumping your coffees with unnecessary flavors and sugar.”

Brian shrugged. “Drinking black coffee is really the only proof I have that I’m somewhat of a functioning adult these days.”

Riley laughed softly again as another uncomfortable silence fell over the pair.

It felt like an eternity, but finally both of their drinks were prepared and they took a seat across from each other at the empty table Riley spotted when they first walked in.

They stared at each other, taking turns sipping from the cold drinks in front of them, silently daring the other to speak first.

“So how is this going to work? Do you want me to just start talking or do you have specific questions you want to ask?” Unable to stand it anymore, Riley spoke first.

Brian let out a big breath. “The only question I have is why?”

Remembering Alex’s advice before she left the venue, Riley was prepared to be one-hundred-percent honest with Brian. She had no reason not to be.

“I thought I was protecting you,” she admitted.

“Protecting me?” he scoffed. “You lied to me, destroyed our friendship and every friendship you had in Arizona and then disappeared for years. How was that protecting me?”

Riley took a deep breath to best keep her emotions in check. “When I started to have second thoughts about keeping the baby, I had to take into consideration how that would affect your life. I knew if I told you I was going to keep the baby and give up the opportunity I had in London, you would have given up the tour. And I knew how important that was to you, and the rest of the band and the label and everyone else involved. I didn’t want to mess everything up because I was changing my mind.”

“What made you change your mind?” Brian asked. This was probably the question he wanted an answer to the most. “We talked about our options endlessly and I thought you were pretty confident with the decision we made together.”

“I thought so too,” she shrugged. “But then I made the mistake of reading these essays posted online from other women who had gone through the same thing. A lot of them said they had a hard time dealing with it in the beginning but eventually they realized they made the right decision and were able to get on with their lives. A lot of them even went on to say that later in life when they finally did have a baby, they felt that same baby found their way back. I liked that idea. But then I read about the women who could never get over the guilt and I started to identify with them more.”

“Why didn’t you talk to me about this?”

Riley shrugged. “I knew you would ultimately just go along with whatever I said I wanted.”

Brian was silent for a moment while he debated that argument in his head. He didn’t want to admit it, but she was right. He probably would have just done whatever she wanted.

“I know what I did was wrong. And I know the excuses I’ve made for myself probably sound like bull shit. But I was scared. And I was stupid.”

“Look, I guess I can appreciate your attempt at trying to protect me but this is just on a whole other level that I can’t even comprehend yet.”

Riley just nodded. “I’m sorry.”

“When I dropped you off at the clinic, is that why you didn’t want me to go in with you?”

“I guess,” she shrugged. “I hadn’t completely made up my mind yet. When I walked in there, I didn’t know if I was going to go through with it, if I was going to tell you, if I was going to stay if I didn’t go through with it. I had no idea.”

“Obviously, you eventually made up your mind. So, what happened?”

“I was filling out more paperwork in the waiting room and halfway through one of the questionnaires it just clicked that this wasn’t what I wanted. I ripped all the papers up, told the lady at the front desk that I was leaving and I ran out of there so fast.”

“What did you do for all that time? If I remember correctly, you didn’t call me to come get you for hours.”

“I walked around for a bit until I found a coffee shop that I sat in the back of just crying to myself while I tried to figure out what the hell I was going to do. And somehow I came up with this plan and convinced myself it was the best and only option I had.”

“Do you know that I thought about it every year on that date? Talk about never getting over the guilt. After you left, I started to feel like I made you feel like you had to go through with it. I blamed myself for you leaving the way you did. I blamed myself for all of it. But little did I know you were off in London, pretty much getting everything you wanted.”

“That’s not fair, Brian,” Riley snapped. “I had to work three and four times as hard as everyone else. No one really takes a pregnant twenty year old seriously. I juggled two jobs, internships and a full school schedule, oh, and taking care of a damn baby, so it’s not like everything was just handed to me when I got there.”

Brian sighed and took a sip of his drink while he got his thoughts together. “I hope you don’t expect me to feel bad for you.”

“I don’t expect anything from you,” Riley replied.

“Once you got your life together in London, how come you never reached out to me? I’m sure I still would have been angry one or two years later, but probably not as much as I am now, almost nine years later.”

Riley sighed. “I was embarrassed. At that point I knew I did the wrong thing and since you never tried to contact me, I figured there was no point.”

“You were waiting on me to contact you? Riley, you told me you wanted nothing to do with me while you started your life over in another country. I tried to convince myself that you just did that because you were nervous about everything that was going to change for you. I thought that I would wait a few days, call you and we’d make up over the phone. But then I called you and you changed your God damn phone number. After that, you really thought I would try and find you? I got your message loud and clear, Riley.”

Riley ran her hands over her face in frustration. She felt like they were talking in circles at this point and at this rate, they were never going to accomplish anything.

“Look, Brian, we can sit here and argue the past for another hour but what’s the point? Neither one of us can change the past. Trust me, if I could, I have plenty I’d like to change, but it’s not possible. So, instead of focusing on that, let’s just focus on now.”

“What about now?” Brian asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Where do we go now? I’m not going to ask you for anything with Summer. I’m not going to ask you for money or anything like that. If you want to be in her life, I want that as well, more than anything.”

“You’re suggesting I just waltz into her life now? She’s spent the last eight years thinking her father wanted nothing to do with her. If I try to be in her life now, she’s just going to hate me.”

“No,” Riley shook her head. “She’s not going to hate you. I will make sure she’s well aware that it was my fault you weren’t in her life all these years.”

“Right,” Brian nodded. “So then she’ll hate you and then you’ll start to resent me over it.”

“Brian, that’s not…”

“I think we should just leave everything as is for now,” Brian interrupted.

“What? Why?”

“Because I don’t think I’m ready to deal with this right now. Talking to you and hearing your side of things helps, but I’m not in a place to do the dad thing yet, okay? I just need more time.”

“Okay?” Riley repeated. “I don’t know if it’s okay… What’s going to happen with us?”

“Us?” Brian laughed. “Riley, we haven’t been an us in nine years. Did you really think after one talk everything would go back to normal?”

“No, I didn’t think things would just go back to normal, but I thought you’d want to try a little harder instead of just running away.”

“Sorry, Riley,” Brian shook his head, standing up slowly. “Running away is your thing.”

“That’s not fair,” Riley mumbled to herself, looking down at the table.

Brian sighed and tried not to feel bad for her. He had to keep telling himself this was all her fault. He was entitled to handle the situation however he felt fit.

“Look, I have to get back to the venue to get ready for the show. Are you ready to go?” he asked.

Riley shook her head quickly, fighting back tears as best she could. “You go ahead. I’m going to stay back and finish this,” she said, gesturing to the cup in front of her, but refusing to look Brian in the eye.

He could hear the strain in her voice to know the threat of tears were coming, but he couldn’t let it bother him. “Alright. I’ll see you back there then.”

“Yeah,” Riley said, mostly to herself, keeping her attention on the cup in front of her as Brian walked away from her.

She didn’t know what she was expecting when she agree to talk to Brian, but she was certainly hoping it would have ended better than it did.
***

Notes

So, that wasn't a complete disaster...

How do you guys feel about a time skip? Nothing crazy, probably just a few months. The real bulk of the story is still to come (believe it or not) but some time needs to pass first. I think I'd prefer passing that time with a time skip instead of wasting time with filler chapter. What do you guys think?