It suddenly became a lot more crowded when the car arrived at the venue for the awards. There were kids screaming at everybody who walked past and looked in their direction, there were reporters and photographers everywhere, and the carpet was full on artists. I had only ever taken the back entrance before. This was my first time actually being part of the people who were supposed to walk over that carpet and into the venue. And I had nobody else from my band there to help me through it all.

Of course, I had Jack and his friends, but that was way different. He wasn’t doing the same things as I was. Sure, I could take the same car and technically walk with them. But I wasn’t part of the band. I wouldn’t do interviews with them and I wouldn’t take pictures with them. I knew all of that without even having to be told so. There was no reason for me to be anywhere but in the background. And I didn’t really mind that, I was just unsure what to do while they were doing whatever they had to.

Other than that, I was prepared. I knew where I had to sit, I had the emergency seizure medication I had managed to pick up somewhere after Val prescribed it for me, I had taken the medication I got for the occasional anxiety I had, I just hadn’t prepared myself mentally. Oh, and I didn’t have any ideas for an acceptance speech, but that most likely wasn’t necessary either. The band was up for an award, but actually getting it made no sense. We were all honored to be nominated--even though it was for a song I had nothing to do with and still only featured Cam--but none of us thought we would actually win.

Jack and I were the last two to leave the car, but I held him back for just an extra second. “Just so you know, I will be standing to the side when you’re doing interviews and getting pictures taken.”

“Okay,” Jack nodded to show that he had heard me, “but if you feel like you need me, don’t hesitate to pull me away. Like, there are quite a few flashing cameras here and it’s really busy, I’d rather have you break off an interview than have you pass out or have a seizure.”

“I know,” I confirmed our game plan. We shared one last short kiss before exiting the car.

As soon as Jack came out, the crowd went wild yet again. He smiled in the general direction before shuffling us closer to where the others already were. They themselves hadn’t actually reached the carpet yet, but they had gotten a little further already. When Jack said it was going to be crowded, he wasn’t kidding. It was like we were in the pit at one of the main stage warped tour shows.

I was just trying to keep my cool, hoping the sheer amount of people wasn’t going to make my anxiety flare up despite having taken my medication. My entire life, I hated crowds, but it now always reminded me of the pressurised feeling when I looked at the wrecked car and my brother being pulled out of it. I couldn’t even make it through our own signings. My seizures had gotten better, especially with the medication I took whenever I felt any symptoms coming up, but the PTSD worked a little different than that. The chemicals made me feel a lot more at ease, but it was much more than just small particles in my brain. It wasn’t like all my memories and feelings were erased. So, all the chattering, all the different faces and voices, all the questions, along with the heat, was just too much for me. I could always run away, but that was a lot more difficult here, hence why Jack told me to warn him if I felt like I was going to pass out or even had the feeling I was going to get an anxiety attack. People were more likely to get out of his way if he needed to be somewhere than out of mine.

Almost as soon as we got on the carpet, I already had to take a step away because the guys were being photographed non-stop. I stood to the side, looking around awkwardly while waiting, until I noticed somebody was beckoning me over where all the reporters were. Me being me, I expected them to want me to move out of the way or help them get an interview with the guys. I was definitely surprised when I found out they actually wanted me for an interview.

“Hi…” I smiled when I was still thought the female interviewer was going to ask me if I could get All Time Low to come over to her.

“Hey,” she chirped back enthusiastically. “How are you today?”

“Oh, I’m good!” I said with a surprised tone. “I mean, all my band members abandoned me, but I’m good.”

“So that’s why you arrived with the guys from All Time Low?” She both asked and stated to keep the conversation rolling. After I confirmed it, she wiggled her eyebrows, “so no secret romances going on there?”

“Umm…” I frowned. I knew she wanted to know whether or not I was hooking up with them. But one, that was an extremely inappropriate question, and two, most people only knew who I was because I was dating Jack. “No… no secret romances.”

“You seem unsure about that,” she laughed.

“Yeah…” I chuckled along awkwardly, trying to be polite. I really was unsure, but more about her question than my relationship with Jack.

“So, you’re up for an award, best music video, how are you feeling about that?” she asked next, catching me off-guard yet again. It seemed like she did know a little about the band.

“I didn’t really have anything to do with it, but it’s pretty excited. The others were super excited when they found out we were nominated, and I’m sure my brother would go nuts if he was here.”

“Although it’s from before you were in the band, it’s probably still an honor,” she reworded before transitioning yet again. “But, speaking of which, are you guys going to come out with any further projects along with the new album you put out?”

“Not at the moment. The album was recorded and mixed in such a short amount of time, and right after we went on warped tour, so there hasn’t been a lot of time to do anything else. But, who knows, maybe in the future,” I explained, probably giving the most generic answer there was. We really never really had thought about it, but this interview could cause us to start thinking about it.

“Of course, of course. It must have gone past so quick. It seems like you guys got signed, released music, and went on tour in a matter of weeks.”

“That is practically how it happened,” I agreed with a nod, seeing Jack out of the corner of my eye standing somewhere to the side and the others not with him anymore. “One day we’re in LA signing the deal, then we’re writing the songs, then soon after we were recording, and now we’re out on tour.

She asked me two more quick questions before letting me go. After ending the interview, I said goodbye and made my way back over to Jack, who had decided to do a quick interview instead of standing around. He, however, was also done, so I didn’t have to wait for him anymore.

“Where are the others?” I asked him, not seeing them anywhere close to us anymore, a few bands who had overtaken us blocking the view.

“They’re already further down,” he told me as he grabbed my hand and started walking.

“Why didn’t you go with them?”

“Cause I was waiting for you! I promised I wasn’t going to let you fend for yourself, and I wasn’t going to break that promise,” he explained, making me smile up at him. A few steps later, fans started screaming again and there were more flashes. “Also, I think some people would like to take pictures of us together.”

Yet again, I didn’t know why people would want that, but I went along with it. Jack knew a lot more than me. Although we never actually had anybody take proper photos of us as a couple, we still sort of knew how to pose. Jack knew a little from all the photos he took with the band, and I knew a little from usually being behind the camera. It was quite the generic award show couple photo, but it was the only thing we really could do.

Eventually, we got back to the rest of All Time Low and they were asked to do a couple more interviews, which Jack also participated in. I only got one more short interview that asked me about the new album, warped tour and getting moved up to a main stage. Still, it was all more than I had expected.

The next part to get through was the actual award show. It wasn’t bad at all. The performances were great and it was amazing to see Jack play live again. Whenever there was another award to be given out, the fans always cheered enthusiastically and waited in anticipation. It was a great first award show for me--I had been to one before, but I was only a plus one back then.

When the award we were nominated for came up, I was sure we weren’t going to win. Well, to be honest, I wasn’t sure. I felt like there were going to be a lot of pity votes. Either way, I secretly was hoping we didn’t win. If Charlie had been there with me, I would have been more than happy to. But now, I really dreaded it. There was no way I was going to go up on that stage, accept an award, and give a short acceptance speech with all those people out there. No way.

It was just my luck, though. I couldn’t even remember the award being presented and the nominees being named. It all happened way too fast, blurring it all together as one single moment to remember. My heart dropped when my band’s name was called out again, only this time to announce who had won.

Jack hollered loudly and nudged me to congratulate me. The others were also all loudly clapping. But I couldn’t match their enthusiasm. I just wanted to wake up and realize it was another artist, or I wanted to go back in time and decide to stay back with Charlie. The only reason I still came out was to see Jack.

“I can’t go out there by myself.” I shook my head, glued stuck to the seat.

“Well, we can’t go with you,” Alex responded. It wasn’t that they physically couldn’t, they just didn’t want all the attention to go to them. “Even Zack managed to do it once!”

“He’s right,” Zack shrugged, accepting the fact that he was very shy. “You just have to say thanks, and you’re good to go. There’s no need to say anything special.”

Still, it didn’t make me want to get up. Jack decided I needed one last push and said, “I know I promised I wouldn’t let you do anything by yourself, but I have nothing to do with this.”

“I have nothing to do with his either!” I grumbled, pushed the chair back, and got up.

For some reason I always became bitchy before I had an anxiety attack. Maybe it was just because I was anxious about everything and everything agitated me. Jack knew that too. He tried to grab my hand to calm me down before I left, but I moved it out of reach as I started making my to the stage.

The crowd was still cheering and clapping, but I had to remind myself to breath. In. Out. Take confident steps. Left. Right. Breathe. In. Out. Walk. Left. Right. Breathe. In. Out. Walk. Left. Right--

Cameron.

For the first time, thinking of him during my heightened anxiety calmed me down instead of making it worse. Usually, the thought of him triggered all the memories. Now, it reminded me why I had to do this. If he were here, he would be running, jumping up and down, speaking just a little too fast, overjoyed. I couldn’t be the one to ruin this moment for him. He was up there with me on the stage, I could do it just fine.

In no time, I was hugging the people who presented the award and was handed over the actual physical thing. They backed away and I had to go up to the microphone. And I was fine. I felt like I had done this before.

“So, umm, this is unexpected…” It was strange hearing my voice echo through the speakers. “For anybody who’s confused, I had nothing to do with this video, or song, or album for that matter, so I don’t think it’s right for me to be thanking you. If Cam were here, he would be rambling on and on, his excitement getting the best of him. This was one of his dreams and you guys are great for making it come true. Thank you.”

Notes

I took a few months between this part and the first one xD oh my god. I'm so sorry guys.