There was a permanent pout on my face as I walked into the back lounge. The entire bus was empty and quiet except for the one person watching TV in the back. Everybody else was out at catering, but Charlie and I had already had made our own lunch from leftovers in the fridge. Usually, Charlie would try to drag me outside to socialize with people, and I almost always did, but it was the hottest day of the entire tour. It was even hotter than the day I had gotten a seizure.

Charlie looked up as me as I sat down next to him and rested my head against his shoulder. At first he didn’t thinking much of it, but a frown formed as soon as he heard me sniffle to accompany my sad face.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, turning down the TV ever so slightly to show he was paying attention.

I shook my head, not trusting myself to speak. I wasn’t pissed at everything like I had been a while ago. Actually, I had been having a lot of fun recently. This morning I just woke up feeling sad. I had my reasons. It got a bit better over the course of the morning, but in a bus so empty, it was only getting worse again.

Charlie nudged me with raising the shoulder I was leaning against. I moved my head, sniffing again, and rubbing my eyes before any tears could threaten to fall. “It’s stupid. I shouldn’t even be crying.”

“Anything’s significant if it makes you so upset,” he told me, encouraging me to not bottle it all up.

“I miss Jack,” I mumbled and a few tears managed to escape from my tear ducts. I didn’t want to be upset, but I was just longing to be back in bed or on the couch cuddling with him.

Charlie sighed in sympathy and ruffled the hair on my head, bringing me closer in the process. “I know you do.”

“I don’t want to, though.” It had only been a few weeks and there were only a few left. But I was already sick from everything; the whole constantly being in other places in the world, only having a couple of days together, the entire hectic life without a constant to go back to. It wasn’t as bad before I joined the band, then it was just Jack going back and forth, but now our schedules were also clashing.

“Well, Tay’s coming with us for a couple of days. She should arrive in an hour or so,” he said, reminding me that there was going to be somebody that wasn’t the same five people to keep me company now. “Maybe she can take your mind off it for a while?”

“Maybe.” I nodded, but continued to snuggle against him.

We stayed in that position for over an hour, continuing to watch what Charlie had been watching on the TV. If nothing had interrupted us, we probably would have just sat there for hours on end not realizing the time passing by. Our focus was on whatever TV show started. The only reason we actually noticed it was way later was because John came in with somebody in tow.

“Look who I found!” he announced and stepped to the side so the other person could also enter the back lounge.

“Tay!” I exclaimed happily, jumping up are running to her to embrace her.

“Oh, fine, yeah, just leave me,” Charlie scoffed, turning off the TV and standing up himself. But he was nothing but smiling at me, giving me a the look that he told me so.

“I see you twenty-four-seven,” I rolled my eyes playfully as my hug with Tay ended again, “I haven’t seen her in ages.”

“We haven’t hung out all that often, but I definitely did miss it,” Taylor added with a smile before going to greet Charlie as well.

It was like all my worries about Jack were gone in an instant. First my excitement took over, making me feel more alive than I had been in ages. Then, it was time to tell Tay about all the amazing things had happened. Looking at all the days or weeks, only focusing on the positive events, definitely put me in a positive mood. And then, for the first time in a while, I actually went outside without something forcing me to, despite the hottest weather to date.

Maybe it was the fact that I brought my camera along that made the day feel like one of the best ones I had had. Every single time I brought it with me anywhere, it made everything way better. It was always going to be a passion of mine no matter what. I even occasionally brought it to parties. People would often happily pose and get so hyped by their picture being taken. Everything I snapped was between the usual cheesy party photographs and some really artistic pictures I didn’t even remember taking, whether they were accidental or if I was just a little too drunk to really focus.

Either way, just being out and taking photos made me happy. To have a friend who came along without hesitation only amplified that mood. The last time I had actually gone outside to take photos with a friend was the first time Jack and I properly hung out, what he had meant as a first date and I had interpreted in a completely different way. This, however, was just us exploring the grounds while I took pictures of anything remotely interesting.

“Do you think we’ll be able to walk around without being noticed?” I wondered out loud as we started to approach the part of the tour that was accessible to the public, or at least the people who had tickets.

“Without being noticed?” Tay repeated scoping around the area so see where she wanted to go. “Most likely, no. Without being followed? We can try.”

“If anybody is going to get recognized here, it’s going to be you,” I told her, feeling like I could just go on my merry way and not have to worry at all.

“Says the one who got moved up to main stage,” she teased back with a roll of her eyes as we started to go through the fenced gate.

“That wasn’t my doing! I’ve just got three amazing guys with me.”

“You’re the lead singer, you have quite a lot to do with it! You’re break away from just being ‘Jack Barakat’s girlfriend’ in these fangirls’ eyes. While I believe you’ve always been your own person, they’re starting to see it now too.”

“I’m not sure which one I prefer…” I mumbled mainly to myself as I started looking around for good shots to take.

Don’t get me wrong, I wanted nothing more than to be me, not somebody’s girlfriend. It made me cringe to think that I was just an ‘extension’ of somebody else. Nothing could be more wrong. But I was only recognized by strangers if they stalked Jack’s social media. Now I was being recognized more often. Yes, it was for something I did, but that wasn’t it. I liked being just boring old me. Maybe Warped Tour wasn’t the place to be to feel normal, it was almost certain my day could go on without interruptions back home. But still.

We managed to walk through the grounds for quite a while without anybody even giving us suspicious glances. I managed to take photos both of Tay, of people in the crowd, and of anything else that caught my eyes. The lighting both made for some very interesting and failed photos. It was harsh, ruining many pictures that were focused on a single person, but the stalls looked very dramatic with the sunlight casting sharp shadows.

But, as you can probably guess, I wasn’t just going to be able to catch up with Tay and take photos without something else coming up. Or somebody else… that being fans.

“E-excuse me?” a quiet voice came from my right as a short girl with bright pink hair stood there.

I turned to her and put on a smile, dropping my camera and letting it hang from my neck. “Hey. What’s up?”

“Could I maybe have a picture?” She asked softly, her phone in one of her hands.

But it was actually quite a confusing situation for me. “With me, with her, or with the camera?”

“Both of you… on my phone…” she clarified with a quick chuckle, finding humor in my question.

“Sure, just let me get Tay’s attention,” I told her and jogged up to Tay who was a couple of feet away from us at a different stall making small talk with the person behind it.

I tapped her on the shoulder and told her about the girl wanting a selfie with us. A grin immediately plastered on her face despite the fact that her band was on a hiatus now and she was working on other music. She knew way better how to deal with things like this. You could say I wasn’t really a ‘people person’. Maybe it had to do with the fact I used to have social anxiety all throughout my childhood. Maybe Jack was the only reason I broke out of my shell, and him not being around anymore was making me retract again. Maybe Tay just had way more experience than me.

No matter which reason was the right one, the girl still managed to get her photograph and I had a new experience. Stuff like this only showed me I had to get out more often. Away from the safety of the bus, away from the people I could now consider friends, and interact more with fans. I didn’t want to be known as the mean one just because I was really socially awkward. As I had learned this entire year so far, practice makes perfect.

If I was able to teach myself how to play the guitar to pursue my brother’s dream, then I most definitely could interact with people to do the same. There was nothing that could stop me… except for my nightmares. Luckily, I hadn’t had them in quite a while. The only thing that could seriously still fuck things up for me were my seizures. But I also hadn’t had trouble with them since that one time at the signing. Sure, I was still cautious, and everybody was always worried if I even felt a little dizzy from standing up too fast, but everything was going just fine.

Why I didn’t feel over the moon, though, I did not know. Everything was good. We were playing on the main stage, attracting a good crowd. My health was actually okay, not taking the one seizure into account. One of my best friends came to visit while I was touring around the country with my other best friends. Something simply felt off, and it wasn’t just me missing Jack. There was something else.

I just couldn’t put my finger on it.

Notes

Some Charlie and Ireland cuteness and some further bonding with Tay! Yay!
Can you guys figure out what's going on with Ireland and why she feels off?

Also, sorry for being gone. I'm sure everybody who still reads this, also reads Rebellious Youth. If not, I've updated everybody there. University has just been so busy. I'm back for Christmas and have started writing again. So, I'm trying to get out some updates before everything gets too busy again.