Dear Sister, Here's Some Advice

I was unsure what exactly happened right after my seizure. There were still people creating a wall between me and the fans trying to get a peek at what was happening. I couldn’t remember falling off my chair nor could I remember my friends rushing to help me. Everything was still a complete blur.

It took a while before I could sit up and try to comprehend everything again. At first, I couldn’t even remember waking up that day let alone actually going to our signing. I was more than confused about lying on hard dry grass. My right shoulder and arm felt bruised, and I couldn’t even reason that it was due to it breaking my fall.

Eventually, it did all come back to me. I remembered the horrible feeling I experienced before I blacked out, wondering why it I didn’t take it as a warning. Even though I could recall the main events of the day, it didn’t lessen my confusion all that much. Now I was just wondering why it happened in the first place.

I thought they had gone along with the cancer, but I was proven wrong. There was always a small possibility that this hadn’t been one of my ‘usual’ seizures, but knowing my health record that wasn’t very likely. Somehow they snuck their way back into my life. It made sense, though. The seizures weren’t due to me having cancer or due to any of the medication or chemotherapy. That wasn’t how they worked. They were due to the small knock I got during the car crash that threatened my life.

I had just gotten so used to not having them, despite it only having been just over half a year, that I completely forgot they were still possibly a threat. Now I was going to have to have another three or six month seizure-free period before I could even think about getting in a car, that was unless I was too unpredictable.

Either way, I didn’t have to think that far ahead just yet. For now, I left the signing and was brought to the first aid post. While very unsure of the situation, the others did stay to finish the signing, but only after I ensured that that was the right thing to do. We couldn’t just turn away fans after they waited in the hot sun for so long.

The medics were unsure whether to call an ambulance or not just to make sure I was ok. It took me quite long, my speech still slow and uncertain, but I eventually managed to tell them that there was no need to do so, that it was quite normal for me to have seizures and that it would only create a large bill. It was only okay to call if I was unresponsive for a long period of time, just like when people faint.

So, I got a nice lanyard to wear along with the one holding my backstage pass (I did combine them a little later so I wouldn’t ever forget one). All it said was to make sure nobody called an ambulance unless the seizure took to long, I was out too long afterward, I told them to, or if I hit my head really hard. I didn’t know who was going to be around when it happened next. It was only a safety precaution, just like people who wore things notifying people not to try and jump-start their heart again. Only, mine was a little less serious.

The next thing to do was call Jack who was on tour himself. I just hoped he wouldn’t freak out too much and convince me to quit the tour, or worse have him cancel dates again.

I facetimed him, feeling like seeing each other while I told him what had happened was more appropriate than just calling him. Even if he could only call and not videochat, it was way better than sending him a text… even if it would have been so much easier. It was way more difficult to talk than I expected.

“Hey, Isle!” Jack smiled brightly with earphones in, seemingly still on the bus. “I didn’t know we were going to facetime now?”

“No,” I shook my head and swallowed with difficulty. I wanted to tell him that I called him to tell him something, but I literally couldn’t get it out. The words flowed in my mind, but my mouth couldn’t make the sounds. “I… I… I… j-just… I…”

“What’s wrong?” he asked, worry spreading across his face. I knew it sounded like something bad had happened and I couldn’t emotionally handle it. But I was fine inside, just not on the outside.

I decided to try to stay away from using ‘I’, feeling like it might have been the reason why I kept getting stuck. “At the s-signing,” I managed to get out this time but had to take a second to collect myself before continuing my sentence. “I… I… I… I…” I breathed out in frustration, now knowing for sure I had to avoid the word at all costs.

“Isle?” Jack’s uncertainty shone through, using my nickname; a nickname that I wouldn’t have been able to say out loud right now.

“S-seizure,” I finally said after trying to form it ever since I got stuck again.

“Oh, fuck.” He frowned, the concern now becoming concrete. “Is everything fine, do I need to come over?”

“I… I…” Once again, I was repeating the same sound over again. It really was starting to get on my nerves. All I wanted was to say that I was fine, but my body wouldn’t even let me do that.

“It’s okay, speak in broken English if it’s easier for you. I can figure out what you’re trying to say.”

I nodded, unsure of how to say what was on my mind without sounding passive aggressive by just saying ‘fine’. Guess I had to be a bit more detailed, then. “Feel fine, except for the s-speech thing.”

“How did it happen?” He questioned, way calmer than I expected. Maybe he assumed freaking out wouldn’t help me at all, maybe he knew my speech was often slurred right after a seizure and was hoping this would go away as well despite the fact that it was way worse than usual.

I shrugged as I watched one of the medics put a bottle of water next to me. “Dunno. T’was very unexpected. S-should have noticed it before, though. The usual s-signs, yet s-still thought it was dehydration or s-something.”

“Hmm…” Jack hummed, his eyes briefly focused on something happening in front of him that wasn’t me on a small screen. “You should probably contact Val and tell her.”

“Doing that next,” I agreed. If there was a chance that I had to start taking medication again to get better, then I wanted to know so early on. I didn’t need to be hanging around suffering from seizures longer than necessary. “Thought you were more important.”

He smiled softly. “So, what are you going to do about your show? Are you going to cancel it or have you already played today?”

I looked at him as if he had just said the strangest thing ever. Well, in some way he had. The idea had never even crossed my mind. He was making it seem like there was only one option; the option being to cancel the show. Sure, he was technically right. I was stuttering like crazy. But to cancel a show? Was he insane?

“What? Are you crazy?” I literally asked him.

“Are you sure you can sing?” He pointed out, trying to turn it away from the fact that I had a seizure and that I had to be careful. That didn’t matter all that much to me, and he knew it. He knew the actual show was more important.

“Migh… igh… igh..” All I wanted to say that I might be able to, but I obviously couldn’t even get that sentence out.

“Hey, it’s your call, I just don’t want you to push yourself too far. It’s okay to take a step back if you need to due to your health.”

I didn’t want to agree, but I knew he was right. If somebody asked me for my given name and surname, I wouldn’t have been able too. Both names had the sound I kept getting stuck on and couldn’t get past. I couldn’t talk about myself in the first or third person.

“But the fans…” I sighed, remembering how many had been out waiting for the signing.

Jack gave me a look showing sympathy. He would do anything to still be able to play a show even in the worst of conditions. “Well, I think they’d understand. It won’t be much better if you do go up there and either can’t get a word out or have another seizure.”

I could already imagine the embarrassment if I started stuttering during songs or the panic the fans would experience if I collapsed again. Still, there had to be something I could do. “How about the other’s play an acoustic show without me?”

“That sounds reasonable. It’s more important for you to get better. Trust me, it’s better to take a day off and miss one show than push yourself and make it worse in the long run, causing you to cancel more shows.”

I nodded. Jack was the only one that could suggest this and not have me freak out and do it anyway. It sounded cliche, but he could twist the situation in a way that would make me listen. He knew I didn’t like thinking about just myself, so he took the fans into account. It really did work.

“Okay… I… I… I…” I tried to snap out of it, almost having forgotten that that sound just didn’t work out for me. “Will tell Colton.”

“Good, you should probably go do that soon before he cancels everything while I should go get myself some food. I’ll call you again later okay?”

“Okay.”

“If anything happens, just call me.”

Notes