Once I was back home, Jack had just been on tour for a couple of days. Taco was waiting for me at our house, my mom had come to check up on her the three days that neither Jack nor I were there. It was actually quite weird coming back home to nothing except a cat. I sort of expected the feeling of finally being somewhere familiar to be way more exciting. But then again, that was only because Jack always hyped it up. Of course, it was way more exciting if I actually had somebody waiting on me. I knew for a fact that if Jack had been home, I would have been jumping up and down to be back. It was nothing like that.

My mom had offered to come pick me up, but I told her not to bother because we arrived quite late at night. Instead, I took a taxi home and arrived at my house in the dark just past midnight. Even John told me he would want to drive me home, but I said that there was no need. We lived on opposite sides of the city, there was no point in making him stay away from his family even longer than necessary.

So, coming home was quite a letdown. Tour had been so fast paced and thrilling, and then I suddenly had to get used to not doing much with my life anymore. I even considered calling Jack and just telling him that I was going to come to visit him in Europe anyway. But I promised my bandmates that I was going to stay at home so that we could start writing more songs and work on the ones we had already made demos for. Other than that, we also often met up with Colton to discuss record deals. While most of them rejected us when I was busy with it due to us not having anything to show them, they now had demos and live videos to look at. Suddenly, many came pouring in and we were overwhelmed with the choices. We didn’t want to choose the wrong one, and so could never make a final decision. At least we had already made three piles: No, Maybe, and Freaking Amazing. We mainly focused on the ‘Maybe’ and “Freaking Amazing’, but record labels kept being switched between the two. It was impossible to choose.

Whenever we were freaking out over that or working on songs, I decided to help out at my mom’s cafe again. It might have been even more boring to stand behind a counter and take people’s orders and serve them, but it was worse to not do anything on the days we didn’t do band things. Plus, my mom also started teaching me how to make some of the more difficult cakes and also how to decorate them. I was promoted from only being able to bake basic things to making the cool stuff. But I mainly just helped out with the customers.

I was standing behind the cash register not really doing anything. There were rush hour moments, but there were also moments when everything went really slow and we didn’t have many customers. Normally the calm came right after having to run around, just like this time as well. I definitely needed to be able to breathe for a while, but that was only possible after quickly wiping down all the tables again.

Harry walked past me to go to the door that led from the back to the customer area. He grabbed his backpack on the way and waved at me. “Well, I’m done for the day, I hope you don’t suddenly get bombarded by customers.”

“I’m sure I’ll do fine,” I laughed back and wiped down the counter again to keep myself busy.

“That’s what I think every time, but I swear this place is attracting more and more people each day.” He went through the exit so he was now standing across from me.

I nodded, having realized it especially since I had been gone for a little while. “But it’s only a good thing.”

“True, true.” He nodded and leaned onto the counter on the customer side. Although his shift had ended and he was initially planning on leaving, he now seemed like he wanted to chat for a little while longer. “I haven’t heard anything recently about you and Jack, how’s that all going?”

“I believe quite well.” I shrugged but also leaned in a little to keep the conversation going. “No trouble lately. He surprised me by coming to visit me on tour for an evening, which was pretty awesome. My bandmates made bets on whether or not he would propose, which he didn’t do. But now I have to wait till he comes back and then we’ll be going on that family vacation.”

“Maybe he will propose during the vacation!” Harry wiggled his eyebrows in a suggestive and excited way, propping his head on his hand.

I frowned a little and thought out loud while I shook my head lightly. “I’m not sure how I’d feel about that. I mean, we just got back together after a huge fight a short time ago… And I always have been a bit turned off by the idea of getting married, but it doesn’t appal me as much anymore. Even if he does ask, I would have to say no because I’m so unsure.”

“Ugh, you’re such a buzzkill,” he groaned and rolled his eyes. “I wanted to freak out with you about how much you’d love it, but of course I have to be friends with the one girl who has such a negative view of marriage!”

“I don’t have a negative view! Everybody I know who is married is happy, I just don’t think it’s for me.”

“But why?!” He sighed dramatically and grabbed one of the plastic stirrers from the small cup holding them all.

“I don’t know, ok?” I breathed out loudly back. “Just the idea of getting proposed to makes me feel weird inside.”

“Maybe it’s excitement, but you don’t know that it is!” He nudged with a wink.

I shook my head and scrunched up my nose. “No. If anything, it’s the opposite.”

“Okay, well then maybe you just aren’t ready yet.”

Nothing gave me any signs that Jack was even thinking of asking me to marry him again soon, so I wasn’t going to fight back too much. People just often didn’t understand that not everybody wanted to get married. I myself didn’t even completely understand why I felt so uncomfortable about it. My parents had been married for long and still loved each other, my aunts and uncles that were married were all happy, my grandparents stayed together for their whole lives. There was no real reason that made me frown at marriage, but I just didn’t like it for myself. It also wasn’t that I was afraid of commitment, because I was ready to spend the rest of my life with Jack. Something was just holding me back, but I couldn’t find out what.

“What are you guys talking about?” My mom appeared behind me and looked between me and Harry.

“About how she’s a buzzkill and doesn’t want to get married.” Harry glared at me while he was saying it, not even glancing at my mother.

“Tell me about it,” my mom agreed and put a hand on my shoulder, “I’m never going to attend a wedding of one of my children or ever have grandchildren.”

“Don’t make me feel guilty, now!” I whined and shrugged my shoulders so her hand would fall off. If she even dared to use Cam against me…

“Hey, I’m just saying.” She raised her hands up in defense. “I’ve already long accepted that neither are going to happen. There used to be a time that I was afraid of being a very young grandmother, but that has passed now too.”

Of course a comment about Cameron’s rowdy behavior as a teenager. It was almost like she was hoping it would have happened now that he wasn’t here anymore. I knew that my mom always wanted to eventually be a grandmother, but she didn’t need to try and guilt trip me into doing something like that because Cam was going to do it.

“You know that Cam was going to propose to Tay, right? You would have gotten your wedding then.” I might have said in a slightly snappier tone than I meant. She had lost a child and I had to consider that it was hard for her, but she didn’t need to make me feel less worthy because of it.

My mom tried to stay calm, but I could sense that she was hiding her anger. “I actually did not know that, thank you very much.”

“Yeah, he flipped his car when he wanted to come over to pick up the engagement ring, which he asked me to keep safe.” I pushed myself away from the counter and started cleaning the coffee machine even though it wasn’t necessary.

I didn’t know how it suddenly escalated into this, but it did. Ok, maybe I had subconsciously pushed it into this direction, taking my mom’s comments way too personally. I could have just taken them light heartedly and turned it into playful banter, but I chose the other route. It was just impossible for me not to react like that as soon as Cameron was somehow involved. Everything kept hitting me hard even though it wasn’t supposed to. I felt like I was responsible for everything that Cam had done and was planning on doing in the future.

I tried to push away the tears while I was lamely polishing the metal part of the machine, trying to avoid my reflection at all costs. My mom came up to me and touched the small of my back in what was supposed to be a comforting manner. “Ireland--”

“Don’t touch me.” I seethed and then it all came back again.

I was standing at the scene, the car in front of me, the crowd of people chattering behind me. Jack gripped my shoulders with his two strong hands, and I freaked out on him. The next moment, I was standing with my parents and Cameron’s limp waxy body was being dragged out of the scrap metal. The scratches and bruises along with the cuts and tears were boring through my eyes, engraving a permanent image into my mind.

I threw the cloth onto the counter and rushed away to the bathroom. I was probably getting some weird stares from the few customers that were sitting at the tables, but I couldn’t even think about that at the moment. All that was going through my mind were the horrible images and that I had to get away. The bathroom was the easiest place to go. Lucky for me, nobody was inside and I easily locked myself up in one of the stalls. I slid down the wall and sat down on the floor, not caring that it wasn’t the most hygienic place to sit.

I was trying to keep my tears at bay and keep my breathing leveled, but it was way more difficult than it sounded. The medication had been working so well for a while now, I never got more than a bit panicky during tour, but it was letting me down this time. Here I was, trying to hold back the full blown anxiety I was starting to feel along with the scene that kept replaying in my head. My body wanted me to cry so bad, but I wouldn’t let it.

But I had to do something.

So, I shakily got my phone out of my back pocket and unlocked it. I skipped the messages app and went straight for the phone despite not trusting my own voice to speak normally when the time came. Passing all the latest phone calls I had with Colton and the others, I went straight to Jack’s contact and tapped the phone number. I kept taking deep breaths while my arms felt like they were going fall off at any moment. After a few dial tones, it went straight to voicemail. I tried three times more, but never got a response and didn’t feel like actually leaving a voicemail or text behind.

I was about to scream out in frustration when I noticed the time. It might have been three pm for me, but that meant it was nine pm for Jack. He either had just gone up on stage or he was already a few songs into the set. Of course he wouldn’t answer and it wasn’t his fault. So, then the tears started flowing freely.

I tried to stay as quiet as possible, wiping my tears as soon as they fell. Fortunately I did so, because not much later two girls walked in. It was my queue to walk out again or else I would be creating a hold up. I grabbed a piece of toilet paper and quickly dried up my tears before throwing it in the bin provided and standing up. Slowly I unlocked the door and walked up to the sink to wash my hands. The two girls were still standing at the mirrors.

“Oh my god, you do work here!” One of them gasped when she saw my reflection and turned around to see me in real life. “Can I have a picture, please?”

Although I hadn’t expected anybody to recognize me, I didn’t want to ruin this experience for them, but I really didn’t feel up for taking a picture while my eyes were still red and the dread hadn’t left me completely yet. My voice was even shakier than I had expected as I apologized, “I don’t know… I feel like I might pass out any second. I don’t want to give you a horrible photo by looking pale and sick.”

“Oh, no. Are you ok?” The other asked, concern and worry spread across her face.

“Yeah, I just feel a little sick,” I tried to shrug it off for their sake, “I don’t want to get you guys sick as well. But I’ll happily sign a cardboard cup for you instead.”

“Oh my god, that would be awesome!” They both said at the same time and gave me a bright smile.

So, that’s exactly what I did. I went back behind the counter to grab the cups, ignoring my mom as I passed her. The girls stayed on the other side and followed me to the till. I grabbed the Sharpie we had to write the names of people on their cups when they ordered take away beverages, and quickly scribbled my name on both of them, adding a small smiley face to make up for not taking that picture with them. They both did a little giddy dance when I handed them each a cup.

“Thank you so so much! I’m going to cherish this forever!” The girl who approached me initially freaked out and hugged the cup to her chest. “I might even frame it!”

I smiled at both of them as they left the cafe, and turned around myself to go to the staff room. I saw that my mom had been glancing at me, wondering what was going on, but she took her eyes off me when she noticed I had caught her. Once again, however, I decided not to talk to her. I threw off my apron and went to collect my bag.

“Ireland, sweetheart…” My mom’s soft voice appeared behind me.

I decided to forget about putting on my jacket, putting it over my arm instead and quickly hung my bag from one shoulder. I didn’t even care that my shift hadn’t officially ended yet and pushed past her to the exit. “I’m going to go home.”

Not much later, I was in my car (well, technically Jack’s car) and had driven off. I didn’t pay much attention when on the road, but I managed to come home without any accidents occurring. As soon as I entered the house, I let myself fall face first onto the couch, kicking my shoes off in the process. I screamed out into the pillow, more mad at myself than anything else. I was blaming myself for getting another attack.

I didn’t know how long I was lying there for, but it was long enough for Jack to find time to text me back. Instead of calling me after seeing I had tried calling him multiple times after each other, he just sent me a simple test asking me if I was okay. I rolled my eyes. It definitely wasn’t normal for me to dial his phone number more than twice, did it seem like I was doing alright?

I really contemplated not texting him back and just acting like I hadn’t seen his messages, but then he sent a few more messages.

Jacky Baby: I just want to know if everything turned out ok before I change
Jacky Baby: What happened?
Jacky Baby: Do you want to talk about it? I’m up for FaceTiming in like half an hour

I accidentally unlocked my phone by keeping my finger on the home button for too long, causing me to enter the message app and actually see all his messages. That wasn’t the problem, though. The problem was that I had read-receipts on only for our messages. So, the whole ignoring thing wasn’t exactly an option anymore, was it? I just stared at the screen with bloodshot eyes, not sure how to reply. Yes, I knew I needed to tell him, and I actually also wanted to talk, but I didn’t feel up for it. I was way too tired and looked way too horrible.

Jacky Baby: Isle?
Jacky Baby: I can see you read my messages. What’s going on?
Jacky Baby: Did I do something?

I sighed and decided to send something back to calm his nerves.

Me: I’m fine.

It was the worst message to send to anybody if you wanted to stop them from worrying. First of all, everybody knew that ‘I’m fine’ meant the complete opposite. It always meant that there was something going on, but that they were trying to hide it. Then I also added a full stop at the end of the sentence, that never meant anything good either. Nowadays we live in a society that frowns upon the use of a period in texting. It always meant that it was the end of something, that there was nothing left to say. Usually, it was used to signal that you were mad about something. That wasn’t the case this time, but it could have seemed that way.

Jack definitely took it that way, because shortly after his name popped up in large letters on my screen and my phone started buzzing dramatically. I groaned, still lying on my stomach with my arm outstretched, and buried my face into the pillow again. I really didn’t feel like talking right at that moment. So, I let my phone ring until it made Jack go over to voicemail instead.

He tried calling me twice again right after that, but I just ignored it every single time.

Jacky Baby: Ireland?
Jacky Baby: What’s wrong?
Jacky Baby: You’re scaring me. Did something bad happen?
Jacky Baby: Just answer the phone
Jacky Baby: I don’t want to seem like an asshole but I don’t know what I did wrong

I let my phone drop to the floor, where it continued to buzz non-stop. Either he was sending me another string of text messages or he was trying to call me multiple times after each other. Eventually it just turned into a background noise that didn’t catch my attention anymore. Time just went by and I refused to move, but eventually the buzzing stopped.

A couple of minutes later, however, the doorbell rang. I frowned, wondering who would want to come visit me. My first suspect was my mom either trying to apologize or trying to show me that I was wrong. But when I opened the door, it wasn’t her. It was actually a brunette who was slightly smaller than me.

“Lisa, what are you doing here? Were we supposed to hang out this evening?” I asked her, not remembering we ever made plans. Usually I wouldn’t have forgotten if we had. It would have just added to making me feel like a shitty person.

She shook her head and briefly glanced at the phone held in her hands. “Jack told Alex to tell me to check up on you because you’re not answering your phone. Jack’s freaking out because of it.”

“Oh, I just woke up… I fell asleep,” I easily lied. I really was exhausted, so it seemed like I had just woken up from a nap, but I actually hadn’t. Falling asleep would have been such a great idea.

“And you didn’t wake up from him trying to contact you?”

“No?” I yawned along with it.

“Well, you’ll probably want to call him back and tell him that you’re ok.” She told me sternly and seriously.

I nodded and stretched, making my back crack. “What time is it there?”

“Like two am or something.”

“Well, I can’t call him then. I don’t want to wake anybody up.”

“Trust me,” Lisa gave me a look that I couldn’t quite read, but it seemed like she was trying to lecture me a little, “Jack can’t sleep right now anyway because you’ve gotten him so worried.”

“Ok, well I’ll call him back then,” I promised before pointing inside with my thumb. “Do you want to stay and order a pizza and watch some sappy movies?”

“Um, sure, I don’t have much better to do.” She nodded and stepped inside.

The place didn’t look very lively with me not having turned on any lights since I came home, but that could easily be fixed. Although I hadn’t felt like talking to Jack through the phone, I didn’t mind some actual face-to-face company. If anything, having Lisa here would actually make me feel a little better.

Oh, and I did call Jack after ordering the pizza for me and Lisa. Just like she had said, he was wide awake and waiting for me to call. He answered after one dial tone. I told him as much as that I had another flashback and had another panic attack because of it (which caused him to want to wake Alex and force Lisa to come back, to which I told him Lisa was still with me), but I didn’t tell him about the little dispute I had with my mom. I first wanted to see if things worked themselves out before getting more people involved. This was something my mom and I were going to have to fix, as much as I dreaded having the conversation.

Notes

I wrote this ages ago. I would have forgotten completely about it if it weren't for me referencing back to it in the most recent chapter I wrote. Damn, I'm so behind on things. I need to step up my game!
Also, this story won't be updated for at least another three weeks. I'm going on vacation and won't be writing then, so it might still take another extra week before I do finish.